Are All Catholic Churches Like This?

clasic1129 · September 2011

My fiance is catholic and it's important to him to get married in a catholic church. We found a nice, historic church that meets both our requirements. I figured I would let my fiance handle reserving the church since I'm not catholic. No problem.
He called the church and was told that since he wasn't a member we would need to find our own priest and get permission from his church to be married in a different church. We couldn't reserve the church for the date we wanted until he did this. The other option was for my fiance to become a member of the church so we could use their priest and bypass the whole permission thing. We talked about it and my fiance decided to just join the church. Not a big deal.
When he called to check on him membership and reserve the church he was told that he would need to meet with the priest before he could make any reservations. He was so dumbfounded that he didn't think to make the appointment.
Since we both work during the church hours my mom offered to call and make the appointment for us. When she called the same woman told her that I had already called and made the appointment.
At this point I decided to just call myself and figure out what was going on. I called during some free time and after going around in circles trying to find a day and time that was convenient for us and the priest (the woman wouldn't tell me when he was next available. She insisted on me listed my prefered times.)
I made an appointment that is nearly a month away! She then made a point to remind me that I shouldn't book any reception venues until after the meeting in case the date we want isn't availble, which I completely understand, but at the same time that date is kind of important to me and I'm stressing that maybe she was telling me that because someone else has expressed interest in that date.
Are all Catholic churches like this? I don't really have a problem with meeting with the priest before booking the church, but I feel like this is something that should have been addressed when my fiance called the first time. Plus now I have to wait until we secure the date before I can book the photographer, DJ, florist...Please tell me I'm overreacting...if you can't tell from my rambling, I'm so stressed right now...

professorscience · September 2011

I know that's frustrating, but to be fair, there are a lot of churches that get a ton of non-members asking to marry there just to have pretty pictures in a pretty church. Not saying this is your situation. And yes, most churches require at least one person to be a member before they will marry you.

And they were right to tell you not to book anything until you're confirmed at the church. You'll have to have some meetings with the priest, and go through some pre-marital sessions (which can vary depending on where you are) before your wedding date can be confirmed. AND it is possible that the church can't marry you that day (for several reasons -- I can't imagine they wouldn't tell you if that date was unavailable). Please just remind yourself that your wedding day will be special no matter what day it is because it is your wedding day, and that the marriage -- not the reception, the cake, the photos -- is the important part. There's no point in making all those reservations if it turns out you can't get married on that day.

ootmother2 · September 2011

Generally, yes.

We found a lovely little church on Cape Cod with no membership requirement and the priest was very accommodating about booking the date right that day. There were the usual requirement of pre cana, and the groom had to be confirmed (he missed that changing schools at 14).

We booked the church and reception venue on the same day only to have to put it forward a week because the band was booked on the chosen date.

Some churches are very flexible, some not. Please don't stress, it all works out!

GL

ETA: The pastor was there to meet everyone that day and he set up the requirements. They were nothing other churches wouldn't require

ElisabethJoanne · September 2011

This sounds more than typical. There's going to be much more scheduling with the church, too. You'll have to take some form of pre-marital education/counseling, and likely special instruction because you're not Catholic. A nice, historic Catholic church could be in high demand for weddings throughout the year, and most Catholic churches have one or two daily services. Some have more.

I don't want to discourage you. The Catholic Church provides a world of help in preparing for marriage. (actually, more than a world) To do so, it can make preparing for weddings more difficult than it is for atheists. As a catholic, I wish the church and its members took as much care and attention in receiving all the sacraments as we do in receiving the sacrament of marriage.

Meg1036 · September 2011

Yep, this is all really typical (outside of the slight miscommunication that seems to have occurred, and a longer wait to meet with the priest than I experienced). We married at a parish we are members of; we also looked into the parish my parents attend. Neither would give us any indication of availability prior to meeting with a priest.

I understand the frustration. Just over a year ago, I was in your shoes because I wanted August of this year - and Saturday in August, really - for logistical reasons (I knew I would be finishing up my degree prior to that and moving after that). And eventually it worked out.

You will have plenty of time to book your vendors, so don't worry about that. A few may book up in the meantime, but my experience was that even when my first choice vendor was booked, there was someone else just as good who was available.

clasic1129 · September 2011

Thanks everyone! I keep reading that I should book photographers and things at least a year in advance, so when I heard the priest wouldn't be available until almost a month later I stated to freak. But it just occured to me that the places I've been looking at have to have more than one person working there, so I'm sure someone would be able to provide those services. I'm not particularly attached to any reception venue, so that's not a big deal.

And as professorscience mentioned, the only thing that's going to really matter years later is that we got married, not when or where.

cms4mf · September 2011

In Northern VA especially (not sure where in the DC area you are), there are so few pretty churches that a lot won't even let you join if you're not living within the parish boundaries. Esp. St. James in Falls Church girls try to get in that parish allllll the time just cause it's pretty! I hear DC churches are more lenient though.

chelseamb11 · September 2011

I think it really depends on the church. Our church would not let us book it in stone without talking to the priest first. However, they did "hold" the date until the meeting so that someone else didn't swoop in the meantime to get it. The first meeting with the priest is always really important because he really makes sure you are both going into this willingly and are able to be married in the church.

MopsieB · September 2011

Does your fiance belong to any church? This seems like a two-fold problem. If he did belong to a church, that should have been the starting point. Most churches require you to be a parishioner for a set amount of time before they will marry you. And everyone has to schedule a meeting with the church in order to secure their date. They don't make it easy. What I was alarmed and disappointed by was that we were both parishioners at the church where we wanted to marry and found out that the new pastor was charging $1K to both parishioners and non-parishioners alike-- even though he wouldn't be performing the ceremony and even though under the old pastor, it used to be free. Today's Catholic churches feel completely free to charge whatever they feel like to receive this sacrament. I don't feel it is appropriate or moral and once you do secure a date with the church, make sure to discuss the fees and feel free to negotiate down to something affordable. All churches should be required, in my opinion, to make the marriage fees that they collect, a line item in their annual revenue statement. I personally would like to know how much my parish is making on weddings and where that money is going. Good luck!!! And congrats!

_Dagney_ · September 2011

Generally it isnt that big of a problem because most people marrying in a catholic church are actually member of their church and they simply start the process by talking to their priest after mass.

Are All Catholic Churches Like This?

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