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FMIL Involvement

daynie85daynie85 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
OKay ladies I have another question....
So in my family I am the only daughter and granddaughter (and the first one to get married) and my family is pretty close, so naturally I would like my mom and dad to give their input in wedding planning and help with that stuff. I went with my mom and her mom and aunt to go try on dresses and ended up picking the one and that was special for all of us (especially since her aunt has no daughters).

For all the other wedding stuff, I want to know how much I should involve my FMIL. We are not really close but there's no disliking each other or anything. We get along, but we are just not close (my fiance is wayyyyyyy closer with my mom and dad but they put more of an effort than his parents do).

Also, my fiance has 2 sisters who still aren't married. So he will be the first child getting married, but his mom still has the opportunity to go through all the dress stuff and all the other wedding planning with his sisters when they get married.

She's the type of person who won't try to push any ideas, but if you ask her she might give you some info or whatever. She just will let you do your own thing. So I don't want to offend her by not letting her in on anything at all, but I don't know how much I should involve her or whatever.

Any suggestions at all??

Thanks =)
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Re: FMIL Involvement

  • BinxRoseBinxRose member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You could try telling her a few things. If she doesn't seem that interested, then just stick to answering any questions she has about the wedding. If she is interested, then share (or even ask for input if you feel comfortable). I have the same relationship w/ my FMIL. We get along, but not super close. She's also not all girly, so I don't think she'd be very interested in all the details. I did invite when I was finding a dress, but that's also because she has all boys.
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Try to feel out how much she wants to be involved. In my experience it is pretty typical for the FMIL to be more hands-off unless she is really close with the bride. My relationship with my MIL is kinda like what you described-- we like each other but are not close. I was also unsure how to involve her or if I should. What I did was to write her a letter telling her that I just wanted her to know what we'd planned. I told her stuff like our theme, what I was wearing, etc. She didn't really get into it all that much and so I let her do her own thing till it got time for showers, which she was invited to and she did come.

    You could probably do something similar. Try to feel it out and see how she responds. If she is excited back, then invite her to more if you want her there. If not, no biggie.
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  • mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FMIL and I get along, yet we are not super close. FI and I have let her know what decisions and any bookings we have made regarding vendors and she asks about the wedding occasionally and if we have booked or planned A, B, or C. Other than planning the RD she isn't very involved. This seems to work for us. I asked her and FSIL (BM) if the two would like to go to DB and pick out their dresses together. 

    If she isn't bugging you about wedding related things now, then she probably won't. I would include her by keeping her updated on decisions you make, shop for her dress together, or invite her to a dress fitting.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I have a similar relationship with my MIL.  I struggled a bit to keep her involved - honestly I'm not even sure where I would have tried more (but I felt like I should at the beginning).  My parents went with us to check out venues because they were paying and it was in my hometown; I suppose I could have invited her to that.  Every other vendor H and I checked out on our own and/or we booked the first one because we already knew we'd be using them pending availability.  And then with all the little details it was basically just me thinking about it / comparing ideas, which I frequently did with my mom over phone or email - I wouldn't have really been comfortable calling up MIL like "Hey, I just sent you an email with three centerpiece options, which one do you like best?  The second? Ok cool.  Talk to you later"  Which is what several of my calls with mom were like, haha.

    MIL came into town to witness to our priest, and we all went out to lunch together.  I also went dress shopping with my mom and MIL on a little 'girls day'  (mom and MIL get along well).  I showed her a picture of my dress once I picked it (went with mom initially; then mom, g-ma and aunt once I'd narrowed it down).  I also included her in developing the guest list, and got her sign-off on the invite wording before we ordered them.  That was pretty much it, but she seemed fine with it (even though H is her only child).  I think if your MIL wants to be more involved she'll come to you; asking questions about what you have planned, etc.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    My MIL and I get along great.  I, however, didn't really include her in the wedding planning.  I just didn' tfeel like it was necessary.  When she asked about the wedding I told her what was going on but she never really seemed super into the planning aspect so I didn't push it.  Also, I am kind of a loner when it comes to planning things...sometimes it is just easier to plan by yourself rather than asking for opinions and ideas from everyone you see.  My parents paid for the entire wedding (lucky I know) so it is horrible to say but she really wouldn't have gotten a say in anything anyway.

    It is not always necessary to include the FMIL if you don't want to.  Answer questions when she asks them and say thanks when she offers ideas, but don't feel pressured to pull her into the planning process...she may not even want to be that involved.

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  • daynie85daynie85 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone for the advice!!!
    I think I might invite her to a fitting and maybe if there's a couple small things involve her in that (fiance's parents are giving us a little money but my grandparents are really paying for alot of it).
    And see where it goes from there I guess.
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