What is the right way to do this?

Heather & Nayt · December 2010

My DH and I got married back in 08 with a very fast JP wedding, my parents were the only ones there. (He was told he was deploying the next week) and we never had a wedding reception or gifts. So we have decided to do a vow renewal for our 5th anniversary (2013 but we want to start the planning early).

My questions is what is appropriate in this situation? I know we are paying for it all and I do not expect any help from my parents, but is a wedding dress inappropriate? Attendants? Do we treat this like a wedding we never had or a vow renewal since we are in fact married? I know we don't plan on registering since we have everything we need, and I don't expect people to get us gifts since most of our friends are very traditional and tell us that our time for that has passed.

Any and all thoughts would be helpful! TIA!

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_right-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb3b0be7-453a-448f-87b5-731122775a69Post:1d854628-44ef-4319-988e-ed4880b3a4f9">What is the right way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]My DH and I got married back in 08 with a very fast JP wedding, my parents were the only ones there. (He was told he was deploying the next week) and we never had a wedding reception or gifts. So we have decided to do a vow renewal for our 5th anniversary (2013 but we want to start the planning early). My questions is what is appropriate in this situation? I know we are paying for it all and I do not expect any help from my parents, but is a wedding dress inappropriate? Attendants? Do we treat this like a wedding we never had or a vow renewal since we are in fact married? I know we don't plan on registering since we have everything we need, and I don't expect people to get us gifts since most of our friends are very traditional and tell us that our time for that has passed. Any and all thoughts would be helpful! TIA!
Posted by Heather & Nayt[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Personally I think people only get one wedding, and you guys had yours already, so I think it should be treated and planned as a vow renewal, without the traditional wedding things like a wedding party and registries and things like that. You already seem to be very level headed by saying you won't do a registry, and I'm assuming all of your guests already know that you're married. I would probably side-eye someone doing a vow renewal if they wore a big fancy wedding dress, but I think a nice dress or a more simple wedding dress wouldn't be too bad. I definitely don't think vow renewals should have things like a bouquet and garter toss, or cake cutting or things like that. If you want to share a special dance that's fine though. </div><div>
</div><div>I have to say though that it's refreshing to hear that your friends are honest with you and say you've already had your time. Most brides that come on here wanting to do a big fake wedding say that their friends and family tell them that they have the right to have one and deserve it.

</div>

opalsky007 · December 2010

Treat it like a vow renewal. Have a brief ceremony, then head to the party and avoid the usual toasts and tosses and hoopla.

I think a wedding dress is fine, though I know others sometimes disagree. I think attendants are fine too if you'd like to honor your nearest and dearest, but keep it low key and don't make them wear expensive attire--just ask them to stand up with you.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I agree with beach. That is pretty much the consensus around here. Basically, you would invite some family and friends to witness the vow renewal and then perhaps take them out to eat or throw a party at your house or whatever afterwards.

kcscejal · December 2010

Ditto beach.

Simply Fated · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_right-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb3b0be7-453a-448f-87b5-731122775a69Post:1d854628-44ef-4319-988e-ed4880b3a4f9">What is the right way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]My DH and I got married back in 08 with a very fast JP wedding, my parents were the only ones there. (He was told he was deploying the next week) and we never had a wedding reception <strong>or gifts</strong>. So we have decided to do a vow renewal for our 5th anniversary (2013 but we want to start the planning early). My questions is what is appropriate in this situation? I know we are paying for it all and I do not expect any help from my parents, but is a wedding dress inappropriate? Attendants?<strong> Do we treat this like a wedding we never had or a vow renewal since we are in fact married?</strong> I know we don't plan on registering since we have everything we need, and I don't expect people to get us gifts since most of our friends are very traditional and tell us that our time for that has passed. Any and all thoughts would be helpful! TIA!
Posted by Heather & Nayt[/QUOTE]

You are, in fact, married. This is a vow renewal and should be treated as such. You didn't get the wedding you wanted, but you did have a wedding.

And the mention of gifts makes me think that you are hoping to get some of those. Your friends are right. Vow renewals, especially only 5 years in, wouldn't usually be a gift giving event, at least in my circle.

Heather & Nayt · December 2010

[QUOTE] And the mention of gifts makes me think that you are hoping to get some of those. Your friends are right. Vow renewals, especially only 5 years in, wouldn't usually be a gift giving event, at least in my circle.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]<div>
Honestly, I really don't care about the gifts, I guess I put it out there to basically say no one even recognized our tiny wedding if that makes sense<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />. <div> I was thinking of just treating it like a vow renewal, and just wanted to make sure I was on the right track since I have a a cousin who is telling me to go all out, but I was giving her the side eye for it. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div></div>

Snippylynn · December 2010

Yeah, just say no to your cousin.

Simply Fated · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_right-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb3b0be7-453a-448f-87b5-731122775a69Post:eb0d01a8-f46b-4b30-8c1d-424935721233">Re: What is the right way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I really don't care about the gifts, I guess I put it out there to basically say no one even recognized our tiny wedding if that makes sense . I was thinking of just treating it like a vow renewal, and just wanted to make sure I was on the right track since I have a a cousin who is telling me to go all out, but I was giving her the side eye for it.
Posted by Heather & Nayt[/QUOTE]
Based on the advice your cousin and your friends have given you...

Friends - 1
Cousin - 0

The reason why no one recognized your small wedding with gifts was because they weren't invited to the ceremony, not because of it's size or the way it happened. And plenty of brides on here will tell you that just because people came to the wedding, doesn't mean they gave presents, anyway. So don't worry about gifts from people. Worry about enjoying the time you have with them. :)

Snippylynn · December 2010

So true Fated. There were several of my familiy members who didn't give us anything.

Birdie1483 · December 2010

Unless having the actual vow renewal ceremony infront of your friends and family is important to you, I would say you could just skip that too and just throw an anniversary party.

I have personally never really understood vow renewals after only a few years, because I feel like you wouldn't have really forgotten them in that short amount of time.

lyndausvi · December 2010

When I think of vow renewals I think of my grandparent'ss 50th. They had it at their church with almost 300 people. They didn't have attendants, just them and the priest up at the alter (it was a Catholic ceremony and mass).

After the ceremony we all went to a hall for a reception where there was an open bar, food, dancing, flowers, photographer, stc. They had a head table that included their children and their spouses.

Still a lot of people gave them gifts.

In my mind that is what a vow renewal should be like. No showers, BM in matching dresses, registries, etc. Just you and your DH say your vows and then having a great party.

srkropf · December 2010

You are correct, this should be a vow renewal. However, if you want to throw a big bash and do all the wedding stuff, I don't see a problem with that, as long as you foot your own bill. People may still want to give a gift, but I imagine it will probably be more cards of congrats than presents. Most are low-key, but you can do whatever you want at your party.

DramaGeek · December 2010

My parents just had their 40th anniversary in Sept and they did a vow renewal. It was like 1 part ceremony and 5 parts party, really. My mom wore a nice Calvin Klein cocktail dress and dad wore his suit. The only people at the front were the two of them and our pastor. Mom wore a corsage but Dad skipped the boutonnierre. They walked down the aisle together and then walked out together. It was maybe 10 minutes. Then we all partied, had dinner and cake (no cake cutting, just cake that was served to everyone) and I gave a short toast to honor my parents (I'm the only child). I think one person brought a small gift, but they didn't expect gifts by any means. Their party was awesome and totally the way a renewal should be done, IMO.

andy71781 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_right-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb3b0be7-453a-448f-87b5-731122775a69Post:eb0d01a8-f46b-4b30-8c1d-424935721233">Re: What is the right way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I really don't care about the gifts, I guess I put it out there to basically say no one even recognized our tiny wedding if that makes sense . I was thinking of just treating it like a vow renewal, and just wanted to make sure I was on the right track since I have a a cousin who is telling me to go all out, but I was giving her the side eye for it.
Posted by Heather & Nayt[/QUOTE]
you should stick around! giving the side-eye to e-snafus can be really fun. Your son is so so cute!

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