Guest List Ettiquette

KDtropicgirl · April 2012

My fiancee and I are paying for the majority of our destination wedding and we wish to have a small wedding. We are inviting no more than 95 guests total ( with the +1's) and was told by a certain family member that I am not following wedding ettiquette and need to give the parents of the bride and groom their own guestlists.
Do I have to give the parents their own guestlist? We really do not want people we do not directly know at our wedding.
Advise please!

Avion22 · April 2012

While I think it's good form to ask you parents if there is anyone that they would like to add to the guest list, I don't think you have to "give them their own guest list." If they are paying, then they do get SOME say in the guest list, but not if you're paying for it all.

lyndausvi · April 2012

No you do not have to give parents their own guest list.

Although if they are paying for some of the wedding I would throw them a few invites their way.

mdeidre · April 2012

If you are paying for things yourselves, then you have total control as to what goes on and what doesn't. If your parents are helping you pay for it, they have some say as to who comes, but that doesn't mean they have their "own" guest lists, it just means that if there are people they would like to come, then they should be able to invite them. It would be nice if they respected the couple's wishes to only have people they know in attendance, but the person holding the checkbook generally holds the power. Being a destination wedding, I doubt anyone you don't know directly would want to pay to travel and attend anyway.

mrandmrschisum · April 2012

My fiance' and I are paying for our wedding on our own. We're having a church wedding where everyone is invited however for the reception its only for close friends and amily. I' having a hard tie with this because they can come to the celebratory part of the reception I just can't afford to purchase dinner for everyone. How should I handle this?

Avion22 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8cbd4409-1945-4e8f-b42f-994a32ed411aPost:4153cc0e-e1b4-4671-9cba-4d6ba2ffcb50">Re: Guest List Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance' and I are paying for our wedding on our own. We're having a church wedding where everyone is invited however for the reception its only for close friends and amily. I' having a hard tie with this because they can come to the celebratory part of the reception I just can't afford to purchase dinner for everyone. How should I handle this?
Posted by mrandmrschisum[/QUOTE]

<div>This probably deserves it's own post. If these are members of your church who are notified of the ceremony via church announcement or bulletin, and it's common in your church for members to attend the ceremony only, then it's okay, as churches are public places and open to everyone. But you shouldn't invite people (via invitation) to the ceremony only. Imagine church-friend Betsy sitting next to Cousin Sue, and Cousin Sue says something like, "Wow, the church looks so beautiful! I wonder what they are doing to decorate the VFW hall for the reception!" And Besty goes, "What reception? I wasn't invited to a reception!"</div>

QueerFemme · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8cbd4409-1945-4e8f-b42f-994a32ed411aPost:4153cc0e-e1b4-4671-9cba-4d6ba2ffcb50">Re: Guest List Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance' and I are paying for our wedding on our own. We're having a church wedding where everyone is invited however for the reception its only for close friends and amily. I' having a hard tie with this because they can come to the celebratory part of the reception I just can't afford to purchase dinner for everyone. How should I handle this?
Posted by mrandmrschisum[/QUOTE]

The only way to "handle" this is not invite everyone to the wedding, or figure out a way to properly host "everyone" at the reception. Make your ceremony/reception not at a meal time, and do a casual appetizer/cake/punch reception instead of buying dinner for everyone. It is rude to invite people to your ceremony but not host them at your reception. There are a lot of food choices that aren't as expensive as a full plated meal. I would suggest seriously rethinking this decision.

lyndausvi · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8cbd4409-1945-4e8f-b42f-994a32ed411aPost:4153cc0e-e1b4-4671-9cba-4d6ba2ffcb50">Re: Guest List Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance' and I are paying for our wedding on our own. We're having a church wedding where everyone is invited however for the reception its only for close friends and amily. I' having a hard tie with this because they can come to the celebratory part of the reception I just can't afford to purchase dinner for everyone. How should I handle this?
Posted by mrandmrschisum[/QUOTE]

<div>Don't invite everyone to the wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>Change venues to a place where you can invite everyone</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

kateguess22 · April 2012

We are not asking our parents to submit their own guestlists. I could see this more in a younger couple where the parents are contributing financially to the wedding and it's a big social event where the parents want their friends to be a part of it. Not in a modern more intimate wedding that the bride and groom are paying for themselves.

littleluckypenny · April 2012

FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. We did not give our parents a guest list.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

I didn't give my parents a guest list either, but I did give serious thought to people they suggested I invite. Out of their suggestions I did invite some people I would not have otherwise invited, but not everyone they suggested.

Examples of people I decided to invite:

Fathers best friend

Aunt & Uncle that I never see but always send christmas and birthday cards

Mothers close cousins from "back home" that she never gets to see. I've met them and quite like them as well

These are people that meant a lot to my parents. While they are not helping me financially, they are very helpful in so many other ways. Since I had enough room in the guest list, I went ahead and invited those people because I knew it would make my parents happy.

If either set of parents have people they'd like to invite that are not currently on the guest list and you have the room to squeeze one or two in there, then I think you should because it is a nice gesture. If you just do not have the room, I think they will understand.

laurenoliveira23 · April 2012

i asked my parents if there was anybody they wanted to come to the wedding and they gave us a small list. my parents havent said a set thing that they are giving us money for but here and there they are helping us out

as for my fiances parents - we havent asked them. - his parents arent helping

also - when i asked my parents they were also aware that we are on abudget and cant invite everybody they wanted to . my mom only gave me like 2 people she wanted there and my dad didnt give anybody haha

ThankfulSnail · April 2012

Since our parents are paying for our wedding, they are each making guest lists and we are adding our friends to their guest lists (within reason- not 400 friends or anything ridiculous). Since it sounds like you are paying for the majority of your wedding and your parents are contributing some, I would recommend you do the opposite- you make your own guest lists, then show them to your parents and ask them if there is anyone they want to add... again, within reason, maybe come up with a rough number of more guests you could accommodate. Say to your parents, "Here is our guest list. Is there anyone you feel should be added? We have room for X more people."

For the PP with the question about inviting people to the wedding only- I agree that this is only OK if they are church members who find out about it in church, anyone who receives an invitation needs to be hosted at the reception, as the reception is the thank-you to your guests for attending your wedding.

bonge · April 2012

We are paying for the wedding ourselves. Our parents are helping in small ways that they can & we are completely ok with that since we are adults living on our own for a long time.

My parents wanted their best friends when i asked, that was it. A total of 3 couples.

With his parents i gave them the pre lim list & asked if i forgot anyone. She added a cousin who used to be my fiances boss. That was it. I am glad it was so easy for us, but then again we invited ALL aunts & uncles whether we knew them or not, just to not have people offended.

DramaGeek · April 2012

My parents paid for the majority of our wedding and we paid for a few smaller things. ILs paid for the RD. Even so, we asked ILs who they'd like invited and fit them in. It's not necessary if they're not paying, but it's a nice thing to do.

Lisa50 · April 2012

You absolutely do not have to give your parents their own guest list.

If you and your fiance choose to do so, you may offer your parents the opportunity to suggest a specific number of people to add to your list. If you do that, give them a date by which they need to give the names and mailing addresses to you.

Good luck!

librababy · April 2012

We're paying for our wedding ourselves. However, FIL'S have been so helpful to us over the years and we're so close, I asked FFIL who he wanted from his side invited...he said he had about 8 people. Most of my guest list is FI's family and FMIL's side so she doesnt need to add anyone since all her sisters and brothers, neices, nephews, etc will be invited.

As for my parents... my mom has no one she wants to invite besides who I have invited and I am not asking my father for a guest list. I am inviting his brothers and sisters, etc. He has no say.

LtlAngL · April 2012

Hi! I'm just visiting...

I had a destination wedding in Jamaica about 2 1/2 years ago. The special thing about a destination wedding is that only people who are really close to you are willing to go to such an expense to attend the wedding.

We allowed our parents to invite co-workers, friends from college, and I even told my co-workers that I won't be giving out invitations to everyone at work, only people I knew from before I worked there, but if they happened to show up, I will set up a plate and spot for them. We invited a total of 185 people to be polite, and only 32 came. Those 32 were our closest friends and family members. 3 people from my job did put in the effort to just show up in Jamaica, and they made the party that much more fun and special.

Sooo...in my opinion, you can follow the "correct ettiquette" and you will still end up with exactly what you want.

Guest List Ettiquette

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