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Confusing mom situation...

jrv59144jrv59144
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in Moms and Maids
My mom and I are close (not joined at the hip!) but close. I got engaged in September after dating my FI for 5 years. I have noticed that my mom hasn't been very excited about the wedding planning. I've imagined us picking things out together, building the centerpieces, etc. My FI and I have decided to pay for the wedding ourselves because we don't want to inconvenience our parents. We didn't discuss the financial situation with our parents so they wouldn't feel like we had an "agenda" or hidden motive. 

In a recent discussion with my mom, I expressed my concerns about her not being very enthusiastic. After some prying, she disclosed that me being engaged was a lot to take, and that although she likes my FI, she said he wasn't the man she pictured me marrying. Needless to say, I was crushed. Our conversation doesn't change anything, or doubt my relationship because I love my FI, and know he's perfect for me. But I'm just upset about her not being on board, or supporting me. Anyone else out there have this feeling? I feel like I have no one to discuss this with. If I talk to my FI he'll be crushed. 
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Re: Confusing mom situation...

  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom felt the same way, and it was tough, even for two years after we were married  Now, she's fine wtih everything, and shows the wallet-size wedding portrait pic to everyone.  So you need to keep assuring and reassuring your mom that you love her, and that marrying FI doesn't mean that you are abandoning here, and that knowing FI's paretns does not mean that you are choosing them over her.

    And you aren't getting married for nearly two years, so there's plenty of time to work on this...
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  • kellya01kellya01
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom was that way at first too.  She was like "are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy?"  And tried to plant seeds of doubt.  Really, it boiled down to this: I just told her YES every time, and she eventually backed off and realized that I had found my prince charming.  She isn't totally gung-ho into wedding planning yet, but she is more interested now.  We looked at invitations last week and we've talked about flowers quite a bit.  

    I've been trying not to bombard her with wedding ideas, etc, because I just don't think she's ready to let go.  
    July 16, Our Wedding Day, is also International Juggling Day!
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  • kimp67kimp67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe she'll come around in time to help you like you dreamed with the wedding.  You still have plenty of time to really start planning/buying things.
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Are you an only child? Are you her only daughter? If so, those can make it especially hard for a mother to see her daughter get married. It might be a lot for her to handle. If you really aren't getting married for two years, don't plan anything for a long time and work on the relationship your mom has with your FI.

    How long were you dating before getting engaged? That can be a factor as to why she's not all gung-ho on your FI. How long have you been engaged? If it's still new, she may just need time before she's excited about planning the wedding.
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    When is the wedding?  Maybe your mom just needs some time to get used to the idea.
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  • 91711owens91711owens
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My Fiance proposed to me in front of everyone at my 30th birthday.  My mom, pretty much stormed out of the venue right after he proposed.  She was the first person I was looking for right after it happened.  She has slowly warmed up to the whole thing, but not like we're going shopping together or planning anything.
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sometimes it hurts just a little to let go.  I love my son-in-law, but was not sure if he was good enough.  She's my only daughter...I'm not sure ANYONE would have been good enough.  My baby girl...

    Give her time, you have plenty.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • jrv59144jrv59144
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks everyone for all the insight! i hope she really will because i want my mom to be part of my wedding and the process more than anything. i value her and hope i can honor her during our ceremony. 

    but to answer the questions, we've been together for 5 years and engaged since mid september. i am the oldest of four children and i have a younger sister. i think it might have to do with being the first, but i just never expected her to not be as thrilled as i was. i'll definitely keep reassuring her, and work on the relationship with FI. it's just hard living in virginia while my whole family lives in iowa. ya'll are just wonderful!
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  • kellyb1487kellyb1487
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just remember that not everything in the next few years is about your wedding. Like PP have said you really don't need to be doing much besides looking at venues and if you 2 are paying for it yourselves you can go without your mom. As you get closer to the date she might get more excited, so just wait another year and don't bring up the wedding unkless someone asks you a direct question about it.
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