Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).

I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding in April. The bride insisted that everyone wear the same dress (I figured) and shoes (pricey and uncomfortable, but I didn't complain). Nobody ever asked what my budget was. 

Now the MOH has rented a nice place for the shower and is making bigger plans than I expected, like having specific centerpieces, EVERYTHING matching (including food trays, what we bridesmaids wear, decorations, etc. Some of this I understand, but it's excessive). 

MOH is not insisting that everyone pay her, but is asking that we give what we can. This is all happening via a mass Facebook message between all bridesmaids and the bride. I sent her a separate message saying that I can't contribute money, but I will cook, set up, etc., whatever I can do with my daughter in tow (bride suggested that I bring my daughter since FI is working). MOH suggested that I find a babysitter because she needs as much help as possible to set up and we "only" have the place for 2 hours to set up before the shower starts. She also said, 
 
"Everyone is going through money issues, so I was only asking for it if people were able to help. I just want to throw the best shower that I can for (bride) because I know she would do the same for me like she did for (friend)'s wedding and I'm sure she would do for yours."

I'm annoyed. I'm a SAHM and while we have money in savings, I don't feel comfortable spending much more on this wedding. I feel like the mass FB thing makes me look like a jerk for not offering up money while everyone else is. The last line of that FB message also sounds to me like, "You don't have to, but you really should suck it up because that's what the bride would do." 

Besides what I've already done- the private message, offering food and help- is there something else I should say, or should I leave it at that? I'm planning on taking my daughter with me. I would have even offered to have the shower at my house, but it was never discussed before MOH rented a place. 

CN: I'm a bridesmaid and the MOH is being more demanding than I expected. Am I a jerk for being annoyed and not donating money to a shower that was planned without budgets being discussed?
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Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:c2adb56a-abb8-4614-a7c0-18adf7486eb8">Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding in April. The bride insisted that everyone wear the same dress (I figured) and shoes (pricey and uncomfortable, but I didn't complain). Nobody ever asked what my budget was.  Now the MOH has rented a nice place for the shower and is making bigger plans than I expected, like having specific centerpieces, EVERYTHING matching (including food trays, what we bridesmaids wear, decorations, etc. Some of this I understand, but it's excessive).  MOH is not insisting that everyone pay her, but is asking that we give what we can. This is all happening via a mass Facebook message between all bridesmaids and the bride. I sent her a separate message saying that I can't contribute money, but I will cook, set up, etc., whatever I can do with my daughter in tow (bride suggested that I bring my daughter since FI is working). MOH suggested that I find a babysitter because she needs as much help as possible to set up and we "only" have the place for 2 hours to set up before the shower starts. She also said,    "Everyone is going through money issues, so I was only asking for it if people were able to help. I just want to throw the best shower that I can for (bride) because I know she would do the same for me like she did for (friend)'s wedding and I'm sure she would do for yours." I'm annoyed. I'm a SAHM and while we have money in savings, I don't feel comfortable spending much more on this wedding. I feel like the mass FB thing makes me look like a jerk for not offering up money while everyone else is. The last line of that FB message also sounds to me like, "You don't have to, but you really should suck it up because that's what the bride would do."  Besides what I've already done- the private message, offering food and help- is there something else I should say, or should I leave it at that? I'm planning on taking my daughter with me. I would have even offered to have the shower at my house, but it was never discussed before MOH rented a place.  CN: I'm a bridesmaid and the MOH is being more demanding than I expected. Am I a jerk for being annoyed and not donating money to a shower that was planned without budgets being discussed?
    Posted by Nhev[/QUOTE]

    I would just leave it be.  Don't budge on the items/money/time that you have offered.  Just reiterate in which ways you can help.  He's her fault for throwing a party without checking that she has the support she needs to throw the party
  • No, you're not a jerk.  The MOH should have asked for everyone's budgets and what they were willing and able to contribute, privately, not in a mass message.  Guilting you into giving more than you can is also wrong.

    Give what you can and are willing to give, bring your daughter if you have to, and don't feel bad.  You should never go into debt or feel guilty for not being able to afford a party.
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  • You don't have to host anything so I would just reply, "Unfortunately I can not give any money towards the shower and since you have turned down my offer to provide food, I will have to step down as a host. I still plan to attend as a guest."

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  • Only two hours to set up? We only had two hours to set up for my actual wedding. 

    Anyway, don't give in. This girl is crazy.
  • Thanks for all of your quick replies! I feel like I know what's right, but it helps to hear it from other people. 

    To clarify: She did take me up on my offer to put together a veggie tray (a nice glass one :)), but no cookies since there are already a few desserts. 
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  • Even if I had the money to contribute, I probably wouldn't just for the way she went about it.  She planned the big expensive event, she should've been prepared to pay for it.

    I wouldn't say anything further, you've told her you can't contribute financially, so I'd just leave it at that. 
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  • <div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:e2e499e1-2ad8-4c6e-b511-c22c044b9532">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]Only two hours to set up? We only had two hours to set up for my actual wedding.  Anyway, don't give in. This girl is crazy.
    Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]
    </div><div>RIGHT? There's not much to do, either. Food, table cloths, centerpieces (whatever they are), and lighting candles so the places smells good. I don't know... </div><div>
    </div><div>I feel kind of bad because she really is nice, but weddings change people! </div><div>
    </div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:e07b8ef8-4d8d-45bf-93d4-aad776851f26">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]Agree with PP's. What you offered was really nice, and if she misses out on that, then that's her fault. Not your own. Also, maybe I'm confusing this, but she wants the BM's to wear matching outfits to the shower?
    Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>No, you're right about the outfits. It's just LBDs, but still. It's just an added, "I know we can all do this for the bride! It's her special party," kind of thing. 

    </div>
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  • Do the veggie platter and help with the set up. She needs to accept that that is all you can do, and if she believes otherwise, she should have discussed the budget with all of the BM's prior to making a decision.
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  • She should have asked a budget from each girl if she was planning to ask for money. Otherwise, she should have planned a shower that she could throw on her own w/o the help of others. You're not being a jerk. She is. And what in the HAIL is she planning on doing that she only has 2 hours to set up?! And she wants you guys to match at the shower! This B sounds nuts!
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would think that the bride, if you are good enough friends for you to be in her wedding, would understand that you are on a tight budget, and not get upset that you don't have more money to spend on her.  At least, I'd hope so. 
  • Wow, is this the kind of MOH that thinks the wedding is 'her special day'? Sounds like she can't wait for her own wedding to get everyone in the matching dresses.

    The bride was out of line to by not asking you for your budget and making you pay for shoes, but you already know that.
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  • She was out of line to plan things and expect everyone to contribute without discussing budgets.  Just give what you can afford and don't worry about it. 

    The MOH in my sister's wedding did this, too.  I had initially agreed to contribute towards the cost of a scrapbook and some other stuff for my sister, and it was pretty pricey.  The MOH kept trying to add more costs for a brunch, etc etc etc.  I just told her that I could only afford the amount we all initially agreed on.  She was really nice about it and backed off.  But for a while, I was pretty anxious about it because it was more than I could afford at the time.
  • If I was the bride here and knew my MOH was behaving this way, I'd have to smack her.  MOH is out of control.

    That said, there's nothing you can do other than stick to your guns.  You have gone above and beyond already, you're under no obligation to cave to Captain Crazypants' demands. 
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  • Thanks everyone! 

    Honestly, I don't think it would bother the bride, not that she wants it to cause trouble or upset anyone, but she expects everything to be the best.

    I'll do what I already offered to do, enjoy the shower with my daughter, and let the worries blow over. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:50c2da62-7a79-4a53-9e13-e2f8a661f638">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone!  Honestly, I don't think it would bother the bride, not that she wants it to cause trouble or upset anyone, but she expects everything to be the best. I'll do what I already offered to do, enjoy the shower with my daughter, and let the worries blow over. 
    Posted by Nhev[/QUOTE]

    I think what you have agreed to do it enough, your not out of line.
    If she had brought up budget before hand, it might have been different, but she didnt.
    Just dont involve the bride in any of it, my MOH and BM's have involved me in their planning spats and drama and it sucks..alot.. puts a bride in a really akward position. I even went so far to cancel my own bachelorette because I was sick of the BS. Its honestly ruined planning and the time with my ladies.
    Good Luck!
  • Ditto jemmini6.

    I find it rude that she went ahead and booked a bunch of things for the shower and then expected the WP to pitch in.  I bet you aren't the only bridesmaid feeling the pinch, so I suggest you stand your ground.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:d604c6c5-0571-411a-a446-25c5cd81b0dc">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]You don't have to host anything so I would just reply, "Unfortunately I can not give any money towards the shower and since you have turned down my offer to provide food, I will have to step down as a host. I still plan to attend as a guest."
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    Love that!
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I had a similar situation with an MOH and the shower.  I was ok paying for my portion of the shower, but when it came to the group gift, I just couldn't afford what she was wanted.  So I emailed her privately that I was opting out of the group gift and would give something on my own.  So she replied back, copying the bride's mom!  I was pissed!  Thankfully the MOB had sense enough to say that anyone could contribute what we could since we were getting a gift certificate for the photographer.

    I'm sure your friend (the bride) would be upset to learn that any of her BMs had to go into debt just to give her a party.  I know I would be.  The MOH should have asked for a budget first.
  • I'm still not sure how, exactly, having all the BM's in matching dresses is going to enrich the bride's shower experience.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:ea281758-897a-4d7f-b2b1-adcc8a861315">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom). : Love that!
    Posted by myname1234[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes, that's a great way to put it!</div><div>
    </div><div>At this point, I still plan to help, but if it gets out of hand I'll keep that line in mind! </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:912d8d7c-1395-4e50-8c51-696e05250b3d">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had a similar situation with an MOH and the shower.  I was ok paying for my portion of the shower, but when it came to the group gift, I just couldn't afford what she was wanted.  So I emailed her privately that I was opting out of the group gift and would give something on my own.  So she replied back, copying the bride's mom!  I was pissed!  Thankfully the MOB had sense enough to say that anyone could contribute what we could since we were getting a gift certificate for the photographer. I'm sure your friend (the bride) would be upset to learn that any of her BMs had to go into debt just to give her a party.  I know I would be.  The MOH should have asked for a budget first.
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I would hope so, and I would be too. I've already made it very clear to my bridesmaids that I do NOT want them spending more than they can afford to spend or more than they feel comfortable spending. 

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:e46c398f-a783-4b76-a68d-6286b7d8909c">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm still not sure how, exactly, having all the BM's in matching dresses is going to enrich the bride's shower experience.
    Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

    <div>Right...I don't really understand, but she said so that people can distinguish us as the bridal party. Not that I mind wearing a black dress that I already own, but it's not exactly a dress up party and we aren't 13! </div>
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  • I know my showers will be low key, that is how i want them, not expensive affairs that people can't afford. I am not a fancy person so i do not want a fancy shower. 

    With that being said i already mentioned to the host to make sure she asks not tells the other girls if/what they can afford in private if they are able to chip in at all & not to expect them too & to base things off what they all can afford. I do not want people being offended because they were asked something ridiculous of them. We have the type of relationship that i could say that to her in a kind way without her getting offended one bit. 

    You are not out of line, the MOH sounds like she has gone off the deep end. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:e3b0c547-e2e9-4838-813f-bff0f32e86e5">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know my showers will be low key, that is how i want them, not expensive affairs that people can't afford. I am not a fancy person so i do not want a fancy shower.  With that being said i already mentioned to the host to make sure she asks not tells the other girls if/what they can afford in private if they are able to chip in at all & not to expect them too & to base things off what they all can afford. I do not want people being offended because they were asked something ridiculous of them. We have the type of relationship that i could say that to her in a kind way without her getting offended one bit.  You are not out of line, the MOH sounds like she has gone off the deep end. 
    Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]


    You made some good points. Maybe my experiences as a BM will help me to make this as easy and fun as I can for my BMs!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-in-friends-wedding-annoyed-cn-at-bottom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81529fd1-0c31-4fd9-b084-24cbc180a2cbPost:e2e499e1-2ad8-4c6e-b511-c22c044b9532">Re: Bridesmaid in friend's wedding. Annoyed (CN at bottom).</a>:
    [QUOTE]Only two hours to set up? We only had two hours to set up for my actual wedding.  Anyway, don't give in. This girl is crazy.
    Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]
    I agree. Bring your daughter with you and have fun. My parents took me everywhere when I was little. I've never been babysat. I'm sure you can set up for a party and have your daughter with you. I'm assuming the MOH doesn't have kids or else she would know how easy kids are to pack up and bring with you. I would not contribute any money since she didn't gegt together with you and plan the party. She's being unrealiatic.
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