Moms and Maids

mom is stressing me out (rant)

ok so heres the story...througout my planning process my mom has been very weird. she started off ok and was suggesting things for me blah blah blah you know how it goes...well when i didnt go with anything she suggested she kind of got angry.

anyways, now i am dealing with a mother shut down. she no longer seems to want to talk about the wedding. everytime it gets brought up she shuts down. she was almost emotionless during dress shopping, didnt say anything until i fished for it.

shes constantly complaining about wearing a mother of the bride dress and how shes going to look like "a fat cow" yet she doesnt want me to help her find anything.

she doesnt want to talk about a shower and my fiances mom is trying to figure out details but my mom is shooting everything down. she doesnt seem to understand that you cant invite 70 people to a shower and expect them all to fit in our house in november (if the weathers bad). i dont want my guests sitting on a floor at my shower! no way!

she is constantly insulting things i want to do saying things like "thats ridiculous" or telling people "you have to keep in mind that this is ambers wedding". (sometimes i wish shed take her own advice)

she got mad and told me that a shower isnt in her budget (what?!?!?!) and when i suggested that she talk to my godmother, who has not been in my life since i was 5 and is trying to make a comeback, she flipped out. she and my dad are paying for the reception (venue, food) and she keeps making comments like "what do you think? that were made of money?" when the whole time, they had the option to say no and i couldve found something else. she doesnt seem to understand that my fiance and i are spending just as much (if not, more) as they are. she only sees what she wants to see.

so ive been stressed out with her and taking a break from planning, but the other day, my future sister in law said "yeah, when she said 'they should just elope' i knew we were in trouble" so i was like "what? when did she say that?" and she tells me oh at the sox game (meaning literally right after we got engaged!!!) seriously???? you cant be happy for us and say congrats, you go straight to "oh they should just elope"? thats ridiculous! thanks mom!Yell
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Re: mom is stressing me out (rant)

  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Traditions may vary depending on where you live but in our area the bride's mother does NOT throw a wedding shower for her daughter.  Often bridesmaids will throw a shower but it's not required.  Showers can be thrown by just about anyone, but not the brides' mom.
  • edited December 2011
    with our families the tradition is that the godmothers put it on and the bridesmaids help out. mothers only help plan it if need be. thats why i told her that she needed to tell my godmother that its time to step up and help out and she refuses because she doesnt like confrontation (unless its with me apparently) my fiances godmother lives across the country, thats why his mom has taken over planning. shes putting it together and telling his godmother what she needs to pitch in.
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  • edited December 2011
    Your mother is right, she should not tell your godmother to step up and throw you a shower. A shower is a gift not an entitlement. If your godmother wants to do this, she will let you know.

    If your fi's mother and godmother have volunteered to throw a shower for you, you may graciously accept their offer. The hosts of the shower get to determine how many guests will be invited and where the shower will take place.

    Your mother has told you a shower is not in her budget. She is very generously paying for the venue and food for your reception. That sounds very supportive to me. She may be shutting down every time you bring up the wedding, because she feels you are pressuring her to commit to more $$ toward your wedding.

    Your FSIL was rude to criticize your mother to you. And it was disrespectful of you to not stick up for your mom.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-stressing-out-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa8b58bf-f11c-4489-bb7f-bc7a277f17f7Post:36263a20-7c6f-4b30-8ef2-5644c972a20c">Re: mom is stressing me out (rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your mother is right, she should not tell your godmother to step up and throw you a shower. A shower is a gift not an entitlement. If your godmother wants to do this, she will let you know. If your fi's mother and godmother have volunteered to throw a shower for you, you may graciously accept their offer. The hosts of the shower get to determine how many guests will be invited and where the shower will take place. Your mother has told you a shower is not in her budget. She is very generously paying for the venue and food for your reception. That sounds very supportive to me. She may be shutting down every time you bring up the wedding, because she feels you are pressuring her to commit to more $$ toward your wedding. Your FSIL was rude to criticize your mother to you. And it was disrespectful of you to not stick up for your mom.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    I agree with all of this.  Why do 70 people need to be invited to a wedding shower?  I love my daughter, but I couldn't afford that.  She had 25 people.  It was at my home, I did the food, and the bridesmaids did the inviting/planning, because that is what we could afford.  If someone else wanted to give another one for a different group...that would have been fine.

    I'm not sure I'm thrilled with the way you talk about your godmother getting back into the picture and stepping up.  If she hasn't been in your life since she was 5, why on earth would you expect her to throw a shower from across the country for 70 people.  That's a LOT.

    Maybe you need to rethink your way of being on the whole shower thing.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My BMs started planning my shower about 3 weeks ago....look at my ticker.  There's no reason for you to be even thinking about this right now.  LET IT GO. 
    AnniversaryBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-stressing-out-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa8b58bf-f11c-4489-bb7f-bc7a277f17f7Post:96344b53-403c-41ec-9b88-9484a97edf6f">Re: mom is stressing me out (rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Traditions may vary depending on where you live but in our area the bride's mother does NOT throw a wedding shower for her daughter.  Often bridesmaids will throw a shower but it's not required.  Showers can be thrown by just about anyone, but not the brides' mom.
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    Just about every shower I have been to was thrown by the bride's mother, including my own.  The only one that wasn't, was because her mother is dead, so her aunt threw the shower.  It is not tacky or wrong for a mother to throw her daughter a shower.  In any way, shape, or form.
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-stressing-out-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa8b58bf-f11c-4489-bb7f-bc7a277f17f7Post:aa0bdfa1-224f-4d39-bf7d-e68df5370f8c">Re: mom is stressing me out (rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: mom is stressing me out (rant) : Just about every shower I have been to was thrown by the bride's mother, including my own.  The only one that wasn't, was because her mother is dead, so her aunt threw the shower.  It is not tacky or wrong for a mother to throw her daughter a shower.  In any way, shape, or form.
    Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]
    Traditionally, it IS wrong for the mother to throw the bride's shower.  However, it's kind of one of those traditions that has been set to the side and people seem to do it anyway.  My mother and I were not comfortable with her hosting my shower, so I didn't have one. I'd rather not have a shower than have guests side-eyeing my lack of etiquette.
  • amanda52602amanda52602 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Weddings are stressful..PERIOD! It does not matter if you are the bride, mob,moh, bm, or a guest. There are so many "traditions" that we all kinda freak. Also we all have an idea of what weddings are to be like as a young child, we dream about them...lucky for us...things have changed! We can have an affordable wedding, include or exclude any traditions we want, etc.

    As far as this shower thing...if its that important for you to have one...throw one yourself...it is not anyone's responisibility...keep in mind..it is your wedding...yet others are helping financialy...shoot i wish i had it like that. Be grateful! and do not over stress yourself about something that does not matter...if you want to stress yourself, worry about the dress..or more importantly the VOWS you will be taking to you FH...good luck to you!
    "I married the love of my life!"
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