Wedding Etiquette Forum

Reassurances please

Last night we had a ridiculous 45 min argument with my FMIL over the guest list. Of her 6 siblings that live here in town, there is 1 that she says we cannot invite. This woman and her husband have never been anything but kind to me and my FI. Also, their son is the cousin that my FI is closest to. I said that we would invite them no matter what FI agrees and that began the argument, the majority of which I didn't understand since it wasn't in English. FI later told me that FMIL threatened that the rest of the family would boycott or that there will be fighting, both verbal and possibly physical, if we invite them and everyone shows up. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. By the month after the wedding, they may all be friends again and I'll look like the ss who didn't invite them.
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Re: Reassurances please

  • Why does your FMIL insist that they are not invited? Who is paying for the wedding?
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  • In my experience family feuds like that don't blow over. :/

    That sounds really messed up that she's willing to miss her own son's wedding because she doesn't like one of the guests. She shouldn't be trying to involve you in the family dispute by asking you and your FI to snub this person. If it is important to you and your FI to have them there invite them. Otherwise, you are both essentially involving yourselves in a fight that you have no business being in. Let her, or whoever else, be the one to embarrass themselves with their own extreme drama.

    The only exception I can see to this would be if they did something really heinous (molested someone, etc.), in that case I understand why the rest of the family would be upset by their presence. But, imho if his mother is willing to miss your wedding over this she ought be willing to at least clue her son into what the big deal is.
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • edited December 2012
    My parents are very generously paying for 90 percent with FI and I kicking in the rest. FMIL is not contributing. She is insisting because of some ongoing argument between her and her sister. And yet, I've seen them act cordially at multiple family functions over the years. ETA: I said I will put them on our portion of the guest list and not take them out of her 50 allotted guests. That didn't seem to help.
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  • I would invite them. PP is right that snubbing them would only involve you in their feud. Have FI tell his mom that their presence is important to him and they will be invited, case closed. Then seat them far from one another at the reception and if any of them choose to behave badly that will reflect badly on them. If you believe FMIL's claims that things will turn physical, try to hire security in case things get out of hand.
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  • FMIL needs to be consulted with less.  Since she's not paying for the wedding, the guest list is none of her business.  Her bahvior is appalling.  The only circumstances she could legitimately raise a concern if is someone had threatened her physically, or she suspected the person would show up high or naked.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • If she's not paying, she doesn't get to veto the invitation.   You're doing the right thing inviting them.  I completely agree that she's bluffing about not showing up. 
  • I agree that since she isn't paying she doesn't get the final say.  I do also agree that if there were some heinous thing that this sister did, it might be understandable but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Is your fiance appropriately standing up in this argument or is he taking a bit of a backseat?  I'm sure it must suck being in this position but you need to hold your ground.  Afterall, this is the wedding for both of you, NOT her.


  • Thanks everyone. It was a trying evening and I just needed to be sure I wasn't just being stubborn. Her reasons are not anything that would fall under the valid reasons to exclude them. So, I will be inviting them and will inform the 2 required security guards that if anyone begins to make a scene, they are to be escorted out.
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  • Also, your FI needs to calmly call his mother's bluff.  By that, he needs to say this matter of factly and then walk away from the conversation.  Something like, "Mom, I am hurt that you would try to get the family to boycott my wedding over your differences with your sister.  Doing this will permanently harm my relationship with you. If you do this, you are the one who will lose out.  You will be missed, but the guest list stands."

    He needs to not engage with her in an argument, he needs to state the facts and be done with it.  As long as he refuses to further discuss this with her (if she calls to talk about he hangs up; if you are together with her and she brings it up, you leave) she should get the message.

    Keep in mind - if you say you are calling her bluff you REALLY need to follow through with it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reassurances-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8415c9c6-a4f6-4d35-a044-90446c292c9cPost:63281096-23f9-4abc-a08b-f126d78daa99">Re: Reassurances please</a>:
    [QUOTE]FMIL needs to be consulted with less.  Since she's not paying for the wedding, the guest list is none of her business.  Her bahvior is appalling.  The only circumstances she could legitimately raise a concern if is someone had threatened her physically, or she suspected the person would show up high or naked.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This.  I can totally sympathize with you here- it's absurd how grown people can act like they're two years old when it comes to their child's wedding.  

    </div>

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

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