Am I wrong

jeane2012 · April 2012

i have a friend who is getting married in June. Her wedding is about 21/2 hours away and we have would have to pay for the hotel for the weekend, which is cool because we always knew that. She emails us about 2 weeks ago saying she wants to go away for a bachelorette party which would be memorial day weekend and two weeks before the wedding. Also, the bridal shower is the weekend before the wedding which us bridesmaids are all chipping in for. It's a lot going on at one time mind you we still have to pay for shoes, alterations for our dresses...hair makeup nails and feet, hotel for weekend of wedding,etc. I told her she can do whatever she wants but I won't be able to participate because financially it's a lot. I still have monthly bills at home that need to be taken care of. I told her with everything happening at one time that it's a lot to ask of us to put out an extra $200-$300 two weeks before the wedding, and that a holiday weekend getaway is doing the most. So with that said told me I was inconsiderate and not taking her feelings into consideration. Where I fell as though it's the other way around and she not considering the big picture in the situation. I think a bachlorette party getaway should happen at least 2 months before the wedding so it's gives everybody time to recover financially. Do you agree or disagree?

misssunshine17 · April 2012

You should absolutely not hurt yourself financially for a bach party. Does is have to be a 'weekend getaway?' Why not get manis and go out to dinner if thats more in the budget? If they choose to do the weekend away, simply state that you are not available and won't be attending. Stand your ground, it's your money to spend, not theirs.

Also, if she's requiring certain hair/nails/makeup, she needs to pay for it. Otherwise, save your money and do your own. Pick a pair of shoes you have in your closet, she doesn't get to dictate those either.

Sorry you're dealing with this! The bride doesn't sounds very considerate.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b65f2631-a5a4-4708-9ca0-d4e3c3345e9dPost:f10b877f-fe8d-471a-9bcf-0a2f8fe1a018">Am I wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]i have a friend who is getting married in June. Her wedding is about 21/2 hours away and we have would have to pay for the hotel for the weekend, which is cool because we always knew that. She emails us about 2 weeks ago saying she wants to go away for a bachelorette party which would be memorial day weekend and two weeks before the wedding. Also, the bridal shower is the weekend before the wedding which us bridesmaids are all chipping in for. It's a lot going on at one time mind you we still have to pay for shoes, alterations for our dresses...hair makeup nails and feet, hotel for weekend of wedding,etc. I told her she can do whatever she wants but I won't be able to participate because financially it's a lot. I still have monthly bills at home that need to be taken care of. I told her with everything happening at one time that it's a lot to ask of us to put out an extra $200-$300 two weeks before the wedding, and that a holiday weekend getaway is doing the most. So with that said told me I was inconsiderate and not taking her feelings into consideration. Where I fell as though it's the other way around and she not considering the big picture in the situation. I think a bachlorette party getaway should happen at least 2 months before the wedding so it's gives everybody time to recover financially. Do you agree or disagree?
Posted by jeane2012[/QUOTE]

Oh honey you have my sympathies. First of all, the bride has no say in what kind of b-party she is going to have or even if she has one at all. Second, she should be paying for shoes, professional harir styling, manis and pedis if she is requiring them. Personally, DH and I also took care of accomodations for our families including the WP but that's not required.

You are not out of line. The bride needs a serious reality check.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

No, you are not wrong. I think destination bachelorette parties are really hard to manage at any time. If you have one, I feel like you have to be prepared that some people won't be able to attend. I mean, I know in my case, I'm not only battling an issue with finances this year, due to paying for a wedding, but between my FI's family and friends and mine, we've been invited to 5 weddings and have had 2 babies be born (well...1 born, 1 to be born imminently). None of these events are in the state. So we're looking at a hell of a lot of plane tickets, rental cars, and vacation time. My inability to go to a weekend getaway would not be because I don't care, it would be because I can only afford so much time off and so many plane tickets and I have to budget. I think your bride friend needs a serious reality check to realize that your life does not revolve around her wedding.

TiffannieF · April 2012

The only thing that I see a little strang on your perspective is the b-party timing. It's traditional for b-parties in my "circle" to happen within 2 weeks before the wedding. HOWEVER the shower usually takes place 4-8 weeks before the wedding. So ya, you are right, that is way too much in a small amount of time.

I think you should have just said "I love you bridefriend and I hate to say this but I unfortunately will not be able to go to the b-party. I hope you will understand and know that I will most definitely be there for the shower and the wedding!" And just left it at that.

I think what happened is her bridal hormones got defensive when you sent the email saying it was too much...maybe she took it as a personal attack? It's hard to hear the tone level of people's voice over the internet so maybe she thought you were being snarky calling her a horrible person. I know that is ridiculous but crazy things happen to brides close to the wedding.

I hope both of you are able to move on from this and nothing happens to your relationship.

I would call her and apologize and repeat what I said. I know it sucks to "bend over backwards" for something she was being sensitive about but I think it would be worth saving the friendship. When the wedding is over I'm sure this will all be water under the bridge

) GL

pkontk · April 2012

She is incorrect, it is inconsiderate of HER to expect you to expect you to shell out extra money so close to the wedding.

I'm sure that hotels and other places inflate their prices for holiday weekends too.

If she felt like she was being attacked when you told her it was too much, maybe give her a call and say "I budgeted X for your wedding and I'm sorry but I can't afford these extra things so close to the date. I'm sure you understand that you're my good friend and I care for you, but I would rather not spend money I don't have."

jeane2012 · April 2012

thanks everyone for your input. i just wanted to make sure i wasn't wrong and if needed to say anything else about it. She wants us to wear the same shoes. the only thing she is paying for us is our jewelry. I honestly don't have a problem with that but all that extra stuff is just too much for me. I am in the middle of planning my own wedding, which is overwhelming in its own. i wasn't rude to her when i told her i would not be attending, i just told her the situation thinking she would understand being she has been in the same situation not to long ago. I just wish she would look at it from a different perspective. it is what it is.

rgomez27941 · April 2012

I am so sorry your friend responded being so rude. It's totally undertandable. You should suggest something more affordable that your could participate in maybe with just her. Like having a wine and facial night at home or something. The bride is out of line, I'm sorry.

OBX2011 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b65f2631-a5a4-4708-9ca0-d4e3c3345e9dPost:f10b877f-fe8d-471a-9bcf-0a2f8fe1a018">Am I wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]i have a friend who is getting married in June. Her wedding is about 21/2 hours away and we have would have to pay for the hotel for the weekend, which is cool because we always knew that. She emails us about 2 weeks ago saying she wants to go away for a bachelorette party which would be memorial day weekend and two weeks before the wedding. Also, the bridal shower is the weekend before the wedding which us bridesmaids are all chipping in for. It's a lot going on at one time mind you we still have to pay for shoes, alterations for our dresses...hair makeup nails and feet, hotel for weekend of wedding,etc. I told her she can do whatever she wants but I won't be able to participate because financially it's a lot. I still have monthly bills at home that need to be taken care of. I told her with everything happening at one time that it's a lot to ask of us to put out an extra $200-$300 two weeks before the wedding, and that a holiday weekend getaway is doing the most. So with that said told me I was inconsiderate and not taking her feelings into consideration. Where I fell as though it's the other way around and she not considering the big picture in the situation. I think a bachlorette party getaway should happen at least 2 months before the wedding so it's gives everybody time to recover financially. Do you agree or disagree?
Posted by jeane2012[/QUOTE]

I think she is the one being inconsiderate here, especially since she is ASKING that everyone take her OOT for her b-weekend, when everyone is already spending $$$ to get to her wedding in the first place.

She shouldn't be asking for anything in regards to her B-party. Whomever is hosting, be it all of you or 1 of you, it is up to you ladies to decide what you will be doing. Sure, you can ask for suggestions and what not from her, but that's about as far as it goes. The rest should be a surprise

TiffannieF · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b65f2631-a5a4-4708-9ca0-d4e3c3345e9dPost:d3772584-ec52-49de-aa80-867d48096279">Re: Am I wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks everyone for your input. i just wanted to make sure i wasn't wrong and if needed to say anything else about it. She wants us to wear the same shoes. the only thing she is paying for us is our jewelry. I honestly don't have a problem with that but all that extra stuff is just too much for me. I am in the middle of planning my own wedding, which is overwhelming in its own. i wasn't rude to her when i told her i would not be attending, i just told her the situation thinking she would understand being she has been in the same situation not to long ago. I just wish she would look at it from a different perspective. it is what it is.
Posted by jeane2012[/QUOTE]

Ya, that is super sucky. GL and don't go broke for a wedding (yours or somebody elses)!

maribeth721 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-i-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b65f2631-a5a4-4708-9ca0-d4e3c3345e9dPost:4449de1d-36fe-4a39-a750-b2d3e37e9224">Re: Am I wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]She is incorrect, it is inconsiderate of HER to expect you to expect you to shell out extra money so close to the wedding. I'm sure that hotels and other places inflate their prices for holiday weekends too. If she felt like she was being attacked when you told her it was too much, maybe give her a call and say "I budgeted X for your wedding and I'm sorry but I can't afford these extra things so close to the date. I'm sure you understand that you're my good friend and I care for you, but I would rather not spend money I don't have."
Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

This. And really, your only "job" is to buy the dress and show up on the day of the wedding. Everything else is you just being nice.

librababy · April 2012

I think she might have forgotten just how much money people would have to spend (you know how the planning process can get). So I would call her up and just tell her you didn't mean to offend her and explain your situation again. She should understand. After all, it is a lot to ask.

On the other hand, I am only paying for my BM's jewelry (they have to buy the dress or material to get the dress made and the specific shoes I am asking them to wear). BUT I am making sure they have an imput so they can get something they can all wear again and again for a great price. And I plan to help out with the Bridal shower and bachelorette parties. My BM's don't have a lot of money and I feel guilty that they should have to take on all the responsibilty. They told me not to worry about it but I just feel better of I can alleviate some of the burden on them.

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