He doesn't seem to be into this? Is this normal?

Re: He doesn't seem to be into this? Is this normal?

• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I noticed your absurd answer to the teenager who wanted to get married after a whirlwind romance below.  That combined with this makes me wonder how old the two of you are.

  

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• loveshine1 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  My H cared about the food at our wedding -- that was about it. I took care of all the details because he couldn't have really cared less about what color flowers the bridesmaids were going to carry.
  
  Like wz said, unless theres a big red flag somewhere else, I think it's fine.
  

  

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  When I said hypercritical, I mean like..he was critisizing small things that I was doing, because he was tired and cranky. 

  
  

  My answer to the "teenager" (19 year old studying to be a missionary i.e. obviously more mature than the hordes of teenyboppers that think they are in "love") was not absurd. Do you really think that YOUR opinion, on a wedding board is going to "talk sense" into a girl who feels like she is in love? Get real lady. She was asking for advice and support, which is what I gave her, since no one else wanted to. 

  
  

  It makes me wonder how old YOU are, to lurk on the wedding woes board to only critisize instead of offering advice. If you want to troll, go somewhere else. 

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• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I gave advice, actually.  And to support what is obviously a bad decision makes you kind of a crappy person.
  
  And really, are you a regular here?  Do you frequently enter existing social circles and tell people that they have to do things your way or else leave?

  

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• PMeg819 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Sometimes people don't always need support. And when you come to a PUBLIC message board, you are going to get a variety opinions, many that may not agree with your own. And what one considers advice and criticism may not be thought of similarly by someone else.

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_doesnt-seem-this-this-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b1e6ae02-c46c-40b0-8fe7-bf17f381e46fPost:8ade45b1-7a29-4b8a-8f2d-ff4e4a77305e">Re: He doesn't seem to be into this? Is this normal?</a>:
  [QUOTE]I noticed your absurd answer to the teenager who wanted to get married after a whirlwind romance below.  That combined with this makes me wonder how old the two of you are.
  Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
  
  She's had all sorts of absurd long-winded answers today.  And we're all a bunch of meanies, you know.

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  And just because critcism may be harsh or not what someone wants to hear, it doesn't mean it's wrong. 

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• melminna

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Guys are usually point blank about how they feel, not always, but usually you can take them at face value.  If he's telling you that he can't wait for you to be his wife, then he's telling you he can't wait for you to be his wife.  There's usually not a hidden meaning behind what they say.  (Remember, guys don't think the way we do.)  I think you just need to sit down and tell him your fears, about the past and that you feel like it's headed in that direction again, but you don't want it to go there.  It sounds like he doesn't either, but that he's being a typical guy - not into details.  My FI is being the same way.  He says that he'll get more involved when it gets closer to time, and I know he will.
  
  As for getting over the past, you're going to have to find a way within yourself to "resolve" it.  If he's gotten past it, then you need to as well or you will ruin it this time around.  You don't want to keep "harping" (and I'm not saying that you are) on the same ole', same ole' that he thinks is done and over with.  You just need to "forgive and forget"- forgive yourself for past mistakes, forgive him.  You said everything's great now so why keep thinking about it.  The past is the past.  The past is what makes us who we are, but it shouldn't define you in your present and future.  It helped you get to where you are now, but that's it.  The lesson's been learned; now move on.

  

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  
  How is me advising a girl (who obviously is going to do what she wants) to make sure she's financially secure and to take premarital counseling before the wedding "absurd advice"?  Who are you to say that them getting married is a "bad decision"? You don't know them, just that this girl is having a hard time dealing with the stress of immature people. 

  
  

  And you are correct, I don't have the "right" to tell you to take your toys and go home to 4chan where all the other trolls live, but it IS where you belong if you can't be at least somewhat positive and supportive, and it just shows your immaturity that you're essentially sitting here posting "I'm here and you can't make me leave". (which, actually, I can, by reporting you to the moderators as a drama starting troll, and if that fails, blocking you.)

  
  

  So go ahead, be immature. Be negative. Hope you're happy with that. 

  
  

  I prefer to be positive, and to lift people up when they are down, regardless of my opinions of how they are going to choose to live their life. No one is going to change someone's mind about marrying someone they love, over a post on the knot. 

  
  

  And @Pmeg, you are correct, not everyone can agree. I just wish people could be a bit more positive and uplifting, rather than everyone tearing each other down just because we don't "agree" with their decisions, -or writing style. for the one that correctly called me "long winded" I'm an journalism major, shoot me.  

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• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Um, yeah, actually, YOU are the one who is not fitting in here.  Lurk before you post.  If you don't like the sorts of advice the people on the boards give, then go somewhere else.
  
  I still want to know how old you are, though I have my suspicions about that.  And I suspect that this "past" that you keep bringing up is a bigger deal than you want to admit.

  

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Really, what are your suspicions? I'm curious what you've gleaned from my single post about my relationship.

  
  

  Just because I believe that young love CAN be true love with enough work, it does not mean that I am young myself. 

  Just because I am not jaded and negative, it does not mean that I am naive. You can be positive AND realistic at the same time. 

  
  

  I'm 26, since you are SO curious about that. My fiance and I have been together since early 2008, and were close friends before that. 

  
  

  And yes, you're right, my past was a big deal. I almost lost the man that I loved because I lost sight of the fact that while the wedding was nice, it was the man that I loved, and wanted to be with, wedding or no. I'd call that a pretty big deal.

  
  

  
  

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  To answer your OP, it sounds to me like you are bombarding your FI with too many things.  My FI is nowhere near the level of planner that I am, and really can't handle dealing with too many different problems at once, so instead of bombarding him with every. single. decision. the day after our engagement, I set up a timeline for which things needed to be done when, and then asked him which things he wanted input on.  He chose the categories he wanted to focus on (primarily photo and video), the categories he wanted nothing whatsoever to do with (flowers, colors), and the things where he was happy to just have a yes-or-no vote on whatever vendor I wanted to choose (venue, food, a few other things).  A bunch of the things you listed really don't need to be planned right now (tuxes, food choices, even music), so just let him know when a decision needs to be made, when you need to hear from him if he has an opinion on whatever decision you're going to make, and then leave it alone.

  my to-read shelf:
  

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  To Stephbean- Thanks! The timeline sounds like a great idea.

   And really? Everyone else (parents, bridesmaids, etc) have been freaking out that I don't have every detail down. All I hear is "You only have 5 months!! If you don't get a move on, you're going to be walking down the aisle in someone's secondhand prom dress, eating grocery store cake off of napkins"

  
  

  Not that that scenario is neccesarily a bad thing. I'm almost tempted to go that route just to be able to stop stressing about a wedding that I really, honestly, don't care about anymore. I sometimes feel like I'm doing all of this because I'm "supposed to". 

  I want to say those vows to him, I want to look great,  but the other stuff? Meh. 

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_doesnt-seem-this-this-normal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b1e6ae02-c46c-40b0-8fe7-bf17f381e46fPost:e93bce1c-0e36-4ccf-b0dc-591631d5308d">Re: He doesn't seem to be into this? Is this normal?</a>:
  [QUOTE]To Stephbean- Thanks! The timeline sounds like a great idea.  And really? Everyone else (parents, bridesmaids, etc) have been freaking out that I don't have every detail down.<strong> All I hear is "You only have 5 months!! If you don't get a move on, you're going to be walking down the aisle in someone's secondhand prom dress, eating grocery store cake off of napkins"</strong> Not that that scenario is neccesarily a bad thing. I'm almost tempted to go that route just to be able to stop stressing about a wedding that I really, honestly, don't care about anymore. I sometimes feel like I'm doing all of this because I'm "supposed to".  I want to say those vows to him, I want to look great,  but the other stuff? Meh. 
  Posted by DarlinPenguin[/QUOTE]
  
  Here's the thing - there are <em>some</em> things that you need to do pretty much right now.  Getting a dress is actually one of them.  Getting a tux is not.  Finding a venue is another one of the things you should do pretty much now.  Choosing colors?  Not so much.  Google "wedding planning timeline," (or search for it here on The Knot), figure out what needs to be done and what can wait, then focus on the things that need to be done <em>only</em>, instead of everything.  GL.

  my to-read shelf:
  

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• NeedFavors member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I'd say step back and realize that his not showing interest in the colors and other details has anything to do with with how much he loves you. In fact, the fact that he says that after all this stress he doesn't want to elope should tell you that he is trying to do something for you. He sees how involved in this wedding and doesn't want to take that away from you just because he isn't. He wants you to be happy.
  
  We all have bad days, and when he is tired and cranky he is probably less skilled in showing interest in what you are doing for the wedding when in reality he is not.
  
  I'd keep him posted on your decisions as you go along, and he'll probably step up and tell you about the two or three things he does care about, and you can step back and let him run that part of it.
  
  
  

  Need Wedding Favor Ideas? http://www.needweddingfavors.com

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• Queen Jane member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I find it interesting that you don't seem to care for the way advice is given here, but you post this anyhow. You knew what you were in for. As for your issue, planning a party is really not hard, especially if you are truly keeping it small. I talked about the planning to H, and he listened probably just to appease me, but the only things he had real concerns with were the food and music. So I planned everything else, did it how I wanted, and mostly enjoyed the whole process. I had a DOC to help with logistics, which was the best decision I made.

  Married! In New Orleans BIO

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• DarlinPenguin member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  See, here's the thing. I don't have a problem with "advice". 

  
  

  I have a problem with people attacking the person, instead of the issue posted, which seems to happen quite frequently on this board. 

  
  

  I just think that this is a happy, yet stressful time in our lives, and sometimes we come to other brides looking for an ear to listen. The last thing we need is women that don't know us from anyone, calling us immature, stupid, b*tchy... just for loving someone, for being stressed, for being worried, etc etc etc, all of which I have read, on various posts. There are several members that seem to lurk for the sole purpose of bringing others down, and if you look at all of their posts, they don't offer anything but criticism. Its ridiculous. It's sad when you post about a wedding cake design, and 3 out of 4 people comment that wanting to have a pink cake means that you are too immature to be married, or that you're high maintenence.

  
  

  I understand that we can't all get agree on everything, but its like I was always taught "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". 

  
  

  As for your, and others,  awesome advice, thank you! I just, basically, needed to hear that most men aren't interested in the planning, and that his less than enthusiastic response about planning the wedding is normal for a guy. 

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  What's with all the 'we' and 'our'?  Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
  
  Again, lurk prior to posting.  If you don't like the vibe of a national board, try your local.  They tend to be friendlier.

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• Queen Jane member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I have never seen anyone called immature for wanting a pink cake, that is a gross exaggeration. Good for you for thinking that way, but until someone dies and makes you master of TK universe, nothing is going to change, because people have the right to say what they want.

  Married! In New Orleans BIO

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