How do you bring up the budget?

rbcrock · May 2010

I just got engaged a couple weeks ago, and I don't know how to bring up the conversation about budget with my dad. I'm assuming (and hoping) that he will pay for the wedding since he is pretty far off, but I would like him to offer rather than to straight up ask. Is this wrong? How did others go about it?

kimheartsscott · May 2010

Do you mean "well off" ?

nda_roxybabe · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bring-up-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3b7710e-a899-41c7-9ef5-27ba87aaff3bPost:09ed1e12-17ba-4a71-accf-3435fe3515b9">How do you bring up the budget?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got engaged a couple weeks ago, and I don't know how to bring up the conversation about budget with my dad. I'm assuming (and hoping) that he will pay for the wedding since he is pretty far off, but I would like him to offer rather than to straight up ask. Is this wrong? How did others go about it?
Posted by rbcrock[/QUOTE]
Far off? Like on another planet?

You don't ask anyone for money.

shellydiane820 · May 2010

You don't ask him or bring up the budget to him. If he wants to pay he'll offer. I can't stress how rude it is for you to ask for money. Just don't do it.

Phoeber · May 2010

Don't ask for the money. If he offers, fabulous. If he doesn't, plan the wedding you can afford.

mocha beans · May 2010

Wait for him to offer. Don't bring it up, it'll just risk putting him on the spot and make him uncomfortable if he wasn't planning on it, or able.

Plan and pay for the wedding on your own, if dad offers to pay, accept it graciously, but know that it may come with strings attached, such as where to have it or who's on the guest list. If he does offer to pay, don't spend it until it's in your hand, many brides have come here panicking because the parents said they'd pay for something, and then when it comes time to actually pay for it, they can't afford it and neither can the bride.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

Well said mocha beans.

rbcrock · May 2010

Haha embarrassing I'm watching a movie and I think I incorporated "far off" from something I was watching but YES I mean't well off... thanks everyone for catching that :P But thank you for the advice, I just really don't know the protocol for these things. I wasn't meaning to seem rude.

loop0406 · May 2010

It depends on how close you are with your father and how your relationship is. If you are close to him and feel comfortable, you should ask if he's willing to help you. He might want to know exact amounts (that's how my parents are) so you should be ready with at least estimates of what you need help with.

If you aren't close or don't have a good relationship then you should wait for him to offer.

If not, plan and budget your wedding with your own funds.

Blueyed228 · May 2010

You dont ask.

Save your money and plan the wedding you can afford and get married when you can afford it.

It is not your parents responsibility to pay for your adult things like your wedding.

If he is interested in paying, he will offer. Dont expect it and dont hold it against him if he doesnt.

p.s. if you dont know where your finances are coming from, how have you picked a date already??

shellydiane820 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bring-up-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3b7710e-a899-41c7-9ef5-27ba87aaff3bPost:3f6feffd-61be-49e9-8f47-57d8764ef28f">Re: How do you bring up the budget?</a>:
[QUOTE] It depends on how close you are with your father and how your relationship is. If you are close to him and feel comfortable, you should ask if he's willing to help you. He might want to know exact amounts (that's how my parents are) so you should be ready with at least estimates of what you need help with. If you aren't close or don't have a good relationship then you should wait for him to offer. If not, plan and budget your wedding with your own funds.
Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry, but this is awful advice. If you're a grown up, you should not be asking parents for money. I'm very close to my parents and I would NEVER ask.

MidniteRae · May 2010

Asking your dad for money for you wedding is rude. You shouldn't assume he will pay for you wedding, even if he is "well off".He doesn't have to give you money. Make your budget with the money you and your FI have. If your dad offers, then great, but if not, oh well.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

People know weddings cost money. He'll offer if he wants to pay. ;-)

TNMurray · May 2010

I was talking to my dad one day about wedding plans and he told me as the father of the bride it was his duty to pay for the wedding. I was not fishing for this information at the time. I may or may not have mentioned our budget. I dont know how often you talk to your dad but the conversation needs to come up. I know my parents and I asked my mom flat out if she was planning to contribute because I was making a budget. I also asked them what they expectedfrom their contributions. This is important my dad feels that i should invite the world when my FI and i have decided on a set number. My dad feels no need for consteaint when he is paying. That is your dad so you should know how to approach him but plan a wedding based on ur budget and treat his money as if it were urs. My budget number didnt increase because my parents are contributing. Only you know you dad.

Aedes* · May 2010

My dad is super cheap. I never brought up paying for the wedding and he still offered something on his own. I think parent's understand that if they wish to contribute they can and should say so. My dad actually told me we should talk about the wedding and the budget even though he is usually very frugal. I know it's hard but it's best to wait until they offer. I am sure he will bring it up and if he doesn't I think that is a big sign that he is not interested in paying. I wish there was a polite way of bringing it up yourself but there just isn't.

Blueyed228 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bring-up-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3b7710e-a899-41c7-9ef5-27ba87aaff3bPost:abd1786a-3913-4f57-86a3-245559429a9a">Re: How do you bring up the budget?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was talking to my dad one day about wedding plans and he told me as the father of the bride it was his duty to pay for the wedding. I was not fishing for this information at the time. I may or may not have mentioned our budget. I dont know how often you talk to your dad but the conversation needs to come up. I know my parents and I asked my mom flat out if she was planning to contribute because I was making a budget. I also asked them what they expectedfrom their contributions. This is important my dad feels that i should invite the world when my FI and i have decided on a set number. My dad feels no need for consteaint when he is paying. That is your dad so you should know how to approach him but plan a wedding based on ur budget and treat his money as if it were urs. My budget number didnt increase because my parents are contributing. Only you know you dad.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

The only reason why any money should be brought up is if you have set your own budget and set a guest list according to your budget and your parents want to invite more people, or do things that are outside your budget.

Even then the "conversation" should be: "As much as we would love to invite X amount of people, our budget only allows us Y amount". At that point they may or may not offer. I would never directly ask how much they are going to give you.

If your parents feel like paying should be their job, they will let you know. You wont have to ask.

When I got engaged, my parents came to me and offered X amount of dollars. I turned it down but they were adamant. So I said thank you and moved forward. I am so grateful, but never expected it, and certainly would never ask.

But thats just me.

sucrets4 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bring-up-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3b7710e-a899-41c7-9ef5-27ba87aaff3bPost:abd1786a-3913-4f57-86a3-245559429a9a">Re: How do you bring up the budget?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was talking to my dad one day about wedding plans and he told me as the father of the bride it was his duty to pay for the wedding. I was not fishing for this information at the time. I may or may not have mentioned our budget. I dont know how often you talk to your dad but the conversation needs to come up. I know my parents and I asked my mom flat out if she was planning to contribute because I was making a budget. I also asked them what they expectedfrom their contributions. This is important my dad feels that i should invite the world when my FI and i have decided on a set number. My dad feels no need for consteaint when he is paying. That is your dad so you should know how to approach him but plan a wedding based on ur budget and treat his money as if it were urs. My budget number didnt increase because my parents are contributing. Only you know you dad.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]
Huh?

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2010

There's some bad advice in this thread.

Dittoing Mocha:
1) you don't ask or hint at other people contributing to your wedding fund

2) if money is offered graciously accept it if you want keeping in mind that there might be some strings - if you don't want anyone else to have any input concerning your wedding, don't accept any contributions

3) don't make any plans based on that money until it is physically in your bank account - there have been many cases on here where brides come on and say "What do I do? My mom agreed to pay for the venue and now she's lost her job and we need $5000.00 to pay for it ourselves!"

quotequeen · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bring-up-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3b7710e-a899-41c7-9ef5-27ba87aaff3bPost:abd1786a-3913-4f57-86a3-245559429a9a">Re: How do you bring up the budget?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was talking to my dad one day about wedding plans and he told me as the father of the bride it was his duty to pay for the wedding. I was not fishing for this information at the time. I may or may not have mentioned our budget. I dont know how often you talk to your dad but the conversation needs to come up. I know my parents and I asked my mom flat out if she was planning to contribute because I was making a budget. I also asked them what they expectedfrom their contributions. This is important my dad feels that i should invite the world when my FI and i have decided on a set number. My dad feels no need for consteaint when he is paying. That is your dad so you should know how to approach him but plan a wedding based on ur budget and treat his money as if it were urs. My budget number didnt increase because my parents are contributing. Only you know you dad.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

Who what?

Calypso1977 · May 2010

you dont ask for money. IMO, even if your family offers to help you shoudl decline. if you are adult enough to get married, buy a house, start a life together, then you should pay for your own party. as others have said, money given almost always results in strings attached.

if you read through these threads, 99.9% of the problems stem from "my parents gave me money, and i dont want person X there, they want this decor, they think i should have this type of ceremony.". brides and grooms create much of their own stress because they cant say no to the cash cow.

emarston1 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bring-up-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3b7710e-a899-41c7-9ef5-27ba87aaff3bPost:4c305f95-c687-4cae-b349-a3c1a27c31c0">Re: How do you bring up the budget?</a>:
[QUOTE]you dont ask for money. IMO, even if your family offers to help you shoudl decline. if you are adult enough to get married, buy a house, start a life together, then you should pay for your own party. as others have said, money given almost always results in strings attached.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I'm confused as to why you think that any bride and groom should refuse money that is offered to them? If the parents offer the money and have the means, why shouldn't the bride and groom accept the money gratiously? Yes, it does come with strings attached, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will cause problems. You make it seem like any bride and groom who accepts money for their party are sponging off their parents which isn't always the case.

polichik · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bring-up-budget?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3b7710e-a899-41c7-9ef5-27ba87aaff3bPost:4c305f95-c687-4cae-b349-a3c1a27c31c0">Re: How do you bring up the budget?</a>:
[QUOTE]you dont ask for money. IMO, even if your family offers to help you shoudl decline. if you are adult enough to get married, buy a house, start a life together, then you should pay for your own party. as others have said, money given almost always results in strings attached. if you read through these threads, 99.9% of the problems stem from "my parents gave me money, and i dont want person X there, they want this decor, they think i should have this type of ceremony.". brides and grooms create much of their own stress because they cant say no to the cash cow.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I disagree with this. Plenty of people on these boards have chosen jobs that they enjoy but that don't pay especially well. FI are adult enough to get married and start a life together, but why is being able to buy a house a requirement? It bugs mem when people say "If you can't afford a wedding [as in big wedding, not a JOP wedding], you shouldn't get married." By that logic, nobody under the poverty line should be getting married.

My parents are joyfully paying for the wedding, and the FILs have also taken care of certain aspects. There aren't any strings. It's going to be a wonderful wedding, and we'll be able to provide much more for our guests (and invite more people) than we could've if FI and I were paying for the whole thing.

But yes, you shouldn't ask your parents for money. It seems like you realize that now, which is great.

Lisa50 · May 2010

Just ask ... "Hey dad, did you put aside any money for my wedding?"

goheels05 · May 2010

Ditto, Poli. I am so tired of people using "buying a house" as a measure of maturity. Not everyone needs to buy a house. I know that wasn't your main point, but I see it a lot on the boards and IRL and it bothers me. I thought after the mortgage crisis people would start to realize that they don't HAVE to buy a house.

Calypso1977 · May 2010

i didnt equate buying a house with maturity, but i do equate it with financal stability in that if you can afford to make a significant investment you can probably afford to pay for your own wedding.

further, i am tired of people equating weddings wtih "all or nothing". just because you marry inexepensively does not mean a JOP wedding. as most of us know, the officiant is not what costs the most money, its the reception. i've seen plenty of people have a "JOP wedding" that followed with a lavish $30K ceremony beccause they werent religious and wanted a JOP. i had a beautiful church wedding, but it didnt cost me that much because i kept my reception in line with what my H and i could afford.

i think most couples dont know the true financial situation of their parents (nor should tehy). your parents may have good jobs, nice cars and homes, but they may not own any of it. they could have the appearance of being financially stable or even well off, but that's perception. i dont think its safe to assume they can afford the mnoney just because they offer it. society still in some ways makes parents feel obligated, for some reason, to pay for kids (esp. daughters") weddings. note the post above where a pp's dad said "its my duty as the father of the bride"". if that man truly believes that, and truly beleives he will be looked down upon by his friends and family if his daughter doesnt have a big wedding that he pays for, then of course he's going to offer money whether he can afford it or not.

my mother is widowed and makes about 1/3 of what my H and i make. she offered to pay for my whole wedding. there was no way i was going to take money from someone who makes much less than we do, and is retired living on a fixed income.

goheels05 · May 2010

I agree with most of the rest of what you said, but I don't equate buying a home with financial stability. Many people who have no business buying homes are doing it anyway. Many people who could afford to buy a home aren't for whatever reason--they don't know where they will live or work a few years from now, they don't know if their job is secure, they know they want to start a family soon and don't want to buy a house that they will grow out of in 3-5 years, the list goes on. In this unstable market, buying a home is risky unless you plan on living in one place for at least a decade and you can be relatively certain that either you or your spouse will be employed that whole time and that the mortgage can be paid on one income. I know very few people who can say that.

emilyinchile · May 2010

I'm from the SF Bay Area - if being able to afford your own home were a requirement for marriage, basically no one would be married. Yes, you should be financially stable before planning to blow thousands on a party, but I don't think home ownership is the only or the best indication of financial stability.

OP, the advice telling you not to ask for money is good. In my case, my dad brought up on his own that he wanted to pay for our wedding. You could mention to your dad that you and your FI are thinking budget and see if he mentions something about paying, but don't directly ask.

brookelynpaisley · May 2010

We've chosen not to buy a home at this time, and aren't sure when we will. We may rent when this apartment lease is up. We simply don't know that buying is the right choice for us. I don't think that decision has any bearing on our financial stability or maturity. As heels said, plenty of people have bought homes (and now lost them) because they felt they had to or because they made poor decisions. We'd prefer to make a good decision at the right time for us and know without a doubt that it's sound in the long-term. And I agree with Emilyinchile, as well, there are plenty of markets where homeownership is simple out of reach. Our market was just 2 years ago. People who live there and can't buy aren't any less stable than DH and I are.

How do you bring up the budget?

Re: How do you bring up the budget?

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