Its a sticky situation I am in, so I will apologize ahead of time for the huge post. My boyfriend and I, have grown apart yet again. I say again because 2 years ago I broke up with him because i was miserable and he was in a pretty sh*tty place financially to the point where I was carrying him as well as my own finances (paying a mortgage that wasnt mine even though my name was not on the title, paying the water bill to get it turned back on, etc...). When we broke up, we had little communication with eachother for a year. Over time, I had become lonely and even more depressed, and I started to miss him (or the idea of him, the idea of a companion/companionship) we got back together, and things were great for awhile. 2012 sought us to attend 4 weddings throughout the year and a baby shower for me. At the 4th wedding this past december, him and I were outside having a cigarette and talking about the weddings.
"I'm so glad this is all over with" he says
I paused, sort of eyeing him up and raise an eyebrow "You've never thought about it?"
He takes a drag of the cigarette and flicks the ash "Nope. You knew that's a disclaimer I had from the get-go dear."
"Uh-huh."
So that put sh*t into persepctive for me. I'll be 30 in a month...and no ring on my finger. We live together again in my apartment and he is better off financially now, paying his share of rent and bills even though he is still horrendously in debt. Its making me wonder why I'm wasting my time. What am I doing? Perhaps he is better off as just a good friend.
Now, here's the complicated part.
A long time friend of mine (5 years of friendship) has admitted to having some really strong feelings for me this past July. Truthfully, this guy is my best friend. Knows a lot about me, has been there for me when things were not so great, and I can't see myself not talking to him or having him in my life. He makes things that much better for me. Yes I like him a lot as well, much to the point where the thought of not having him around makes me a bit nauseus. He's very special to me. Well, the things my boyfriend said to me that day at his cousins wedding really cut things off for me emotionally. We've talked about it, but I can't make someone want something they're set on not having or change their views on things.
So basically, I have a boyfriend who lives with me but I am no longer emotionally attached to, and a best friend miles away who wants a future with me.
My friend and I have decided to meet this weekend. We are not meeting for anytihng more than just being around eachother and enjoying eachothers company. I want to see if theres an actual spark, I want to basically feel something again. I have a chance to be with a guy who is the polar opposite of who I live with. He is established, responsible, dependable, inspiring and very smart. Its complicated because I sleep next to my boyfriend, but I think of my friend. My boyfriend doesnt want to get married or have kids. My friend, wants to marry me and start a family with me.
The answer is obvious as to what I should do, so why do I feel like absolute sh*t?
