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Is this a tactful way to ask people to contribute to the wedding?

danielm18danielm18
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We're having a budget wedding, and can afford for the bare-bones of all the times we want to include and a few splurges in areas we really care about. The main way we reached out budget was by cutting little things that would be nice to have, butcfoldn't really justify. 
Anyway, for Christmas my FI bought me a headband that I had be stalking online hoping to find a used one. I was thrilled and it gave me an idea, is there a tactful way to ask for small things for the wedding as presents? We have a lot of gift giving events coming up ( both our birthdays, we're both graduating, ect) and in general are hard people to buy for. I'm thinking of things like a cakes serving set, toasting glasses, a photo album for pictures later... I still need a garter but that one might be a little awkward. 

So what do you ladies think? Is there a polite way to ask for these things or should I just pinch my pennies even tighter and buy them myself?
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Re: Is this a tactful way to ask people to contribute to the wedding?

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    SlothGoalsSlothGoals member
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    Pinch your pennies. No one is required to fund your day except for you and your fI. There is no tactful way to ask for contributions for your wedding. 

    However, if people ask you first what you might like as a gift for these occasions then it wouldn't be as terrible to give them suggestions. You do need to remember though that people might want to get you gifts that fit the occasion rather than something for your wedding for a completely unrelated event.
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    Avion22Avion22 member
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    edited December 2012
    I guess it depends on your situation.  For example, I am close enough to my parents that if my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I would be okay with saying something like, "There are a few wedding items I would like."   However, this is kind of touchy territory. I would NOT feel comfortable saying this to anyone else (grandparents, etc).    However, I think if anyone asks what you might like for a birthday or graduation or whatever, you can always respond with a statement like, "I can't think of anything that I need, but we are stil saving up for the wedding/house/honeymonn etc."  Some people may give you money, which you can then use for whatever purpose you would like.

    Another thing to consider -- are a cake serving set and toasting flutes really that important to you?  These are things you will probably only use once, and are completely unnecessary.  Can't you use the serving set and glasses that your caterer provide?  Or borrow some from a friend or family member?   In my opinion, these are items that the wedding industry tries to convince us that we "need" because they want us to spend our money on their useless crap. 

     
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    danielm18danielm18
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    avion-  Sorry if i wasn't clear, but these are things that we probably won't buy or buy really cheap versions of. And the cateror is providing the food, a few dispensible serving tongs, and nothing else. And we're a pretty close family, but I understand it could be touchy. I guess that's why I'm here, I don't always have th ebest judgement on these sorts of things.Embarassed
    And honestly since you mentioned it, I could probably borrow a serving set. Thanks!
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    Avion22Avion22 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-a-tactful-way-to-ask-people-to-contribute-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:527147ac-fa74-415c-8434-3da388f89ad8Post:c278fe8a-6bc5-497e-9762-e67256724102">Re: Is this a tactful way to ask people to contribute to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]avion-  Sorry if i wasn't clear, but these are things that we probably won't buy or buy really cheap versions of. And the cateror is providing the food, a few dispensible serving tongs, and nothing else. And we're a pretty close family, but I understand it could be touchy. I guess that's why I'm here, I don't always have th ebest judgement on these sorts of things. And honestly since you mentioned it, I could probably borrow a serving set. Thanks!
    Posted by danielm18[/QUOTE]

    <div>I get what you're saying.  I'm just not sure I would want a cheap cake serving set for a birthday gift.  I'd rather get something for ME, and not some useless piece of wedding-industry crap.  Sorry if that sounds negative -- I just love getting birthday gifts, and would hate to "forfeit" one for wedding stuff I didn't really need:-)  </div>
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    danielm18danielm18
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-a-tactful-way-to-ask-people-to-contribute-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:527147ac-fa74-415c-8434-3da388f89ad8Post:a449fbf3-e17b-4eda-b747-3acd8ab15852">Re: Is this a tactful way to ask people to contribute to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this a tactful way to ask people to contribute to the wedding? : I get what you're saying.  I'm just not sure I would want a cheap cake serving set for a birthday gift.  I'd rather get something for ME, and not some useless piece of wedding-industry crap.  Sorry if that sounds negative -- I just love getting birthday gifts, and would hate to "forfeit" one for wedding stuff I didn't really need:-)  
    Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]
    Ah ok, I see what you're saying. Maybe this wasn't the best idea. I guess I could always insinuate that we would like money (in a nice way like you said) and hope it spreads by word of mouth. I was just thinking we could get something useful what we would use instead of socks or 9 more bibles like when I graduated last time. Really, I got 9 and 2 bible study guides. Don't get me wrong I appreciateds the gesture.... but yea.
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
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    I'd skip it. Most of the stuff you're talking about, you don't really need anyway. 
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    LoopysevenLoopyseven member
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    I agree with Avion and think none of the items you mentioned are truly necessities for the wedding. You can always put them on your registry and see if someone gets them for you for the shower. If not, you can remove them after the shower unless you wouldn't mind getting them as a wedding gift to have for future occasions. We used my parents cake cutting/serving set that they used at their wedding. My brother used it too when he got married. Otherwise word of mouth that you've been blessed with so much but could really use money for "x, y or z" wedding related stuff would be the best way to let people know. Simple and informal.
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    BarbiiieeeBarbiiieee member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-a-tactful-way-to-ask-people-to-contribute-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:527147ac-fa74-415c-8434-3da388f89ad8Post:9f630d46-8375-4701-a54e-05c7ab8b0fdd">Re:Is this a tactful way to ask people to contribute to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We did our registry before Christmas and our birthdays and a lot of people in our families bought us stuff off of them. Could you do that and include some of the wedding related stuff you want on them? I wouldn't feel comfortable suggesting specific gifts to anyone but my mom because I never know how much people are planning to spend when they ask what I want for Christmas, birthday, etc. but having the registry, which my mother spread by word of mouth rather than ME tellin people who asked, gave a bunch of different price points.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>This. I haven't even asked people for gifts off our registry, and I've gotten so many things off of it that I'm going to have to add more items. I did just have a birthday, our families celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas and we are moving into a new house next week. I think our families just must have found it easier to shop that way.</div>
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    thejucheideathejucheidea member
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    My parents asked what I wanted for Christmas, and because I didn't have anything material I wanted for Christmas, I asked them if they'd be willing to pay for the organist for our wedding. They thought it was a great idea and accepted with gusto.

    I think that if you're close enough to family, it would be okay if they ask you straight out what you want and you don't have anything but wedding things that you'd like, but I wouldn't ask friends who are asking for gift ideas to contribute wedding items.

    Also be sure that once they accept, you don't arrange anything until you have money in hand.

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    LizM61409LizM61409 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    I agree with prevous posters about offering wedding suggestions IF people ask you what you want for your birthday, etc. This isn't the same situation, but my parents gave FI and I some nights in a hotel for the vacation we're planning this coming April. Not Christmas related at all, but I'll enjoy it a lot more than some more clothing or whatever else they'd get me.
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    mlg78mlg78 member
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    I just got engaged three days ago but my mom already managed to go out and get me a couple of gifts for Christmas that are really for my wedding in September without me even asking.  I completely plan on asking close family members, if THEY ask ME, for a gift suggestion.  I've also seen on many registries things like the toasting flutes and cake stuff.  I figure if they ask you for a gift suggestion then they've opened up the gate.  I wouldn't voluntarily offer the info though.  Good luck!  
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    The items you listed are items many brides get as bridal shower gifts. If you want specific ones, register for them and let people know where you are registered. For other gift giving events, you can ask for gift cards for stores where you would want to buy things for the wedding, but I wouldn't tell people that it's to buy stuff for the wedding.
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    wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    We didn't use toasting flutes and I didn't see the point in getting custom ones that didn't match anything we had at home just to look at and "Aww" for a few seconds.  The caterer's glassware was fine.

    We also used our caterer's cake set.  I didn't want to have to keep track of where it ran off to/make sure it got back to us so we just used theirs.  It was fine and I don't feel cheated in any way.

    Our album was one I made from shutterfly.  My sister bought an insane $1000.00 album of her pics and mine is just as nice and was less than $100.  

    I don't think that you CAN nicely ask for that stuff.  You could certainly ask for gift cards to a store that carries something you want, or just skip the unnecessaries.   I honestly don't think you'd miss any of the items you mentioned.
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    OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
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    edited December 2012
    The proper answer when someone asks you whatt you want is "wow, thanks I appreciate your generosity, but I don't need anything." You are not entitled to any gifts, EVER.
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-a-tactful-way-to-ask-people-to-contribute-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:527147ac-fa74-415c-8434-3da388f89ad8Post:ef3cfb7a-5c6e-4032-878e-a4e8497056b8">Re: Is this a tactful way to ask people to contribute to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The proper answer when someone asks you whatt you want is "wow, thanks I appreciate your generosity, but I don't need anything." You are not entitled to any gifts, EVER.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    Completely disagree as well.

    Thank them for asking and make a few suggestions.
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    LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
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    I don't think there is a tactful way of presenting what you want to people, but if they ask for ideas, you could ask for a serving set or flutes.  I agree with pps about some of those things being unnecessary.  We would have used the venues glasses if my gma hadn't taken it upon herself to give us ones for my shower.  Same with the cake set.  I was actually going to just buy a cheap one off of Craigslist, but again, my gma thought we needed new ones....though they were cheap too.  Heck, if you really want them, I will give them to you for free if you pay for postage!  ha  A garter....you can buy them for $10 at Micheals (less w/ a coupon), or make one for less like I did.  If your wedding is truly that budget, you have to decide whether you need any of that.  You can have them on your registry, but if you might not get them.

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