What to say to my FMIL?

sapphire1751 · February 2010

Help! I'm not sure what to do, or if I should/can do anything. My FMIL has stated that she "wants to stop by to see me while I'm getting ready" on the morning of the wedding. This is now, yet another, thing she is inviting herself to (she already invited herself wedding dress shopping -- and went, it worked OK for the most part). When I mentioned that she'd see me at the church - I don't mind if she stops by for a few moments beforehand - she asked "oh, is that where you'll be putting on the dress?". She wants to be in the room as I'm getting dressed! And she wants to watch me get ready. I thought she should be with her son! She has two boys, and seems to be living vicariously through me for her wish that she'd get to be involved with a wedding. Now my mom isn't local, but my mom will be with me! Not to mention between bridesmaids, photographers, hair stylist, parents and more, my townhouse will already have over 10 people in it! My FI said he's going to talk with her about overstepping (again), but he hasn't yet. What do I say if she brings up wanting to be with me the morning of the wedding again?

emarston1 · February 2010

Umm I really don't see a problem. Your future mother in law - the woman whom you will be related to - wants to see you get ready the day of the wedding. Isn't that kind of sweet and nice? Especially since she has two boys, she sees you as a daughter she never had. This is a good thing.

Unless there is more to the story that you aren't sharing, you are over-reacting.

AutumnFair · February 2010

I agree with emarston, unless there is something you aren't telling us (you mentioned FI has to talk to her again), I don't see the harm of her coming to see you get ready. My best friend got married 2 years ago and her MIL was very excited when my friend would invite her to do wedding related stuff because she had only boys also. So what is the big deal having one more person in the room? I get you want to be with your mom and friends but I think you should include her as well, because it obviously means something to her since she asked (maybe this is where she maybe stepped on your toes). Just tell her where and when you are getting ready, then leave it at that. Lying or having your FI telling her no really isn't the best way to start off a relationship that will be there for a LONG time.

[Deleted User] · February 2010

Are you serious? The thought of your FMIL being with you as you get ready upsets you? Like others said, unless there is some backstory you're not sharing, like you hate each other because of something or other, you are majorly overreacting. this woman is going to be part of your life from now on and you're doing yuor best to shut her out from the very beginning, so don't be surprised if she starts to resent you.

My FMIL will likely be with me and I can't imagine telling her no. Not only would that hurt her feelings, but she is a sweet woman and I enjoy her company. And why would she be with her son? Guys get ready with guys, girls get ready with the girls.

trix1223 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_say-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:745ca65b-aef9-4ce7-bf7f-d1274a0a1cf2Post:b2ac6500-e1b1-4a38-9168-4859c8984d7e">What to say to my FMIL?</a>:
[QUOTE]Help! I'm not sure what to do, or if I should/can do anything. My FMIL has stated that she "wants to stop by to see me while I'm getting ready" on the morning of the wedding. This is now, yet another, thing she is inviting herself to (she already invited herself wedding dress shopping -- and went, it worked OK for the most part). When I mentioned that she'd see me at the church - I don't mind if she stops by for a few moments beforehand - she asked "oh, is that where you'll be putting on the dress?". She wants to be in the room as I'm getting dressed! And she wants to watch me get ready. I thought she should be with her son! She has two boys, and seems to be living vicariously through me for her wish that she'd get to be involved with a wedding. Now my mom isn't local, but my mom will be with me! Not to mention between bridesmaids, photographers, hair stylist, parents and more, my townhouse will already have over 10 people in it! My FI said he's going to talk with her about overstepping (again), but he hasn't yet. What do I say if she brings up wanting to be with me the morning of the wedding again?
Posted by sapphire1751[/QUOTE]

I think you're being silly. My DD was married in July. Her WP and I were with her as she got ready. And then her FMIL came in to see her before she walked down the aisle, and to have a lovely moment with her.

When my son and DIL were married, her mom invited me to the house to get ready with them all. My DIL was in her dress when I arrived, and we got some lovely pictures together.

I think you decide what time you're getting ready, and then let your FMIL know what time she can also stop by. Really, is this how you want to start your relationship with your FMIL? Over something so small?

lizstill13 · February 2010

I don't see why it would be a problem to have her stop by to see you. And if you're really worried about everything else going on, just be honest when you talk her. Say "Hey FMIL, you can absolutely stop by and see me I just want to warn you there are going to be X amount of people running all over the house. If you're okay with that, just stop by anytime". I think she'd really appreciate it and then if you're too busy, you've already given her a heads-up.

MairePoppy · February 2010

Did it occur to you that she wants a special moment with you before the wedding? She might have a keepsake for you or she might want to personally and officially welcome you to her family. I think it's really sweet. You should include her and be a little more sensitive to her wish to be included in the girlie stuff.
By the way, you're not getting married until September, so it is probably a little early to be fussing over this.

sapphire1751 · February 2010

IThank you for the advice, I will take it into consideration. There is a backstory...the short version being she has has questioned almost everything that my fiance and I have done with the wedding. From questioning our wedding date, to our reception menu (she flipped out because we weren't having a fruit salad on our buffet) and inviting herself (not asking) to go dress shopping with me, and then questioning the color choice I made with it. My own mom wasn't even there (my parents are 1,000 miles away). She keeps trying to insert herself in absolutely every aspect of this wedding (we're paying for it, and are enjoying planning it, when we do tell her our decisions she has an opinion on absolutely everything). I don't mind her stopping by to see me in the room at the church, but I don't really want her seeing me half undressed. I understand that she sees me as a daughter, and wants to be involved, but I feel like she is trying to live out those dreams through my wedding. I I admit I'm mostly upset that she again didn't ask, but simply stated that she'd by stopping by the townhouse to watch me get ready. However, after reading the comments that were posted, I will try to sit back take a breath and realize that things can and will change between now and then, and perhaps it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be. It's a good wake-up call for me to learn to relax a bit.

AutumnFair · February 2010

It's always good to vent sometimes.

I figured it was more of the constant inviting herself to wedding stuff that got the last nerve with all the other little things (my other friend who recently got married had a similar experience with her MIL) So just take a deep breath, break out the wine, and relax it out a bit. People get a little goofy when it comes to weddings and she probably is really excited to be apart of one again. All her comments, freakouts, etc, let them go in one ear and out the other (like you have been doing). People love to give their opinion when it comes to wedding stuff so you really just have to take what they say with a grain of salt. If you give her the time and place of you are getting dress, you might get lucky and she shows up late enough that you'll be dress but still touching up little things so she will still get to be in the moment with you. Plus remember on your wedding day you will be on cloud 9 and probably won't even notice her most the day.

gailpete · February 2010

I can see welcoming MIL if she wants to stop by for a brief time while you are getting married.

However, as a MOB I can see where you wouldn't want her there for the entire time, particularly if she has been inserting herself into alot of the wedding planning. I am looking forward to spending the time helping my DD get ready before the ceremony and wouldn't appreciate the MOG inserting herself into the entire day, particularly when, as you've said your mom is 1000 miles away and hasn't been able to participate in alot of the planning with you.

Think about how much time you want to spend with FMIL and maybe talk to your mom about how she feels about it. Then decide whether or not you want FI to talk to her.

skippylouwho · February 2010

I'm guessing you didn't take a public school gym class if you're concerned with another woman seeing you in your undergarments??

Kristin789 · February 2010

Maybe this is regional, but I totally disagree with the previous posters.

In my area, the bride's "get ready" time is a very special time for the bride and her mother and the MOH and BMs. It's a time when the MOB participates in the last time her single daughter will get ready for a big event - and this is the biggest event of all when she will be sent out from her family to get married.

The groom's mother should stop in to see her son, the groom, before the ceremony. This is the last time she can participate in her family's preparation to send their son out to be married - and this is a very special moment for the groom's family, esp his mother.

A wedding isn't a community theatre spectacle where you can "stop by" and ogle someone getting into a costume and having special make-up applied, etc.

caseylynne21 · March 2010

OH I totally get your side!!! Mine is trying to be so over involved that is driving me up the wall...and we arent similar at all...she is hug hug kiss kiss and i am definitely not...I am grateful that she cares that much but mine does have her own daughter and got to do all of this with her...and she gets to again because the daughter got divorced. I like the idea of explaining that this a very special day for you and your mom and if she wants to stop by thats fine but have some one ready to tell her nicely she has over stayed her welcome or is getting in the way...

bluebirdcrys · March 2010

I agree with Kristen789. This is a special time with my mother and my sister ( MOH) and BMs. I don't mind her coming in after I am dressed, but I would not be comfortable dressing in front of her. I also feel she should be spending time with her son. I did not invite my FMIL dress shopping that was a special moment with my Mom and sister. I did invite her to meet usfor lunch afterwards to go over wedding stuff. It was nice. I am having a hard time fitting into my Fi family his brother and sister have been married for 8 and 9 years, They do not let me in on the jokes they are referring to when talk about pasts events and when I try and tell stories of my family they overtalk me ( which is usually hard to do I'm a talker) My family is the exact opposite they all join in when telling a story to my Fi ( even my nephews who are 16 and 7) My Fi loves this and wishes his family would do the same. I continue to try for my Fi's sake

AliandDan2010 · March 2010

I'm SO sorry to say this but I don't see a problem BUt maybe that is because my FMIL is so self absorbed she couldn't give a *&^% about the wedding either way.

I live near her and far away from my parents- so planning has been hard and a ton of traveling... but when I'm back up here and my own Mom is far away... I sort of wish I had someone to share the excitement with me on a daily basis. She and her daughters all ignore my exsistance pretty much... they're very into eachother and I've learned not to need the attention and just be in close contact with my Mom and BM's from home. Not here.

So, I look at it this way- the grass is always greener right?

BlameCanada · March 2010

Oh no, poor you! Your FMIL cares enough about you to want to see you before you walk down the aisle. Whatever will you do?!?!?

You sound really bitter that your mom lives so far away and isn't helping you with the wedding. Maybe your FMIL saw that and wanted to step in and kind of fill that void for you, but you're too busy saying "My mom didn't even do this!!!!" to notice how much she cares and what she's trying to do for you.

What to say to my FMIL?

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