silent scream

Ghoti · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:b97f9c8c-50bc-4ea8-8978-b5799664eff5">Re: **silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: **silent scream** : She blatantly expects them to take off work on Friday to help her have the ceremony location ready by 4pm.
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]
Again I think it's how you read it. *shrugs* <div>She doesn't say "You need to take work off Friday to put all this stuff together or else" She says "we" which I took as her and her Fi. Especially since prior to that she refers to "our needs" which obviously isn't the needs of the bridesmaid. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I think a phone call is in order, ask her outright how much participation she expects from you, and tell her what you can or can't do. </div>

vicki0508 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:c662f2f7-424b-41fb-81bb-6678ef4cf36c">Re: **silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: **silent scream** : " Monday through Thursday (10am-ish – 8pm-ish): I thought I’d give a rough range of time in which I’ll need to accomplish things. Those times on different days will be specified as we get closer, and we have a better idea of our needs." That to me means "we expect you to be available during those times for whatever want." Also, I love that she says she will be covering the floral expenses.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
And their jewelry! She's basically a saint.

vicki0508 · May 2011

If she didn't intend for the WP to help her set up, then she probably wouldn't have sent out such a detailed list.

number55 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:05516229-677f-4982-9b30-2670e64e070d">**silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]As God is my witness, I will decline any and all future invitations to be in someone's wedding. This gem landed in my inbox today: "If you need a hard copy of this let me know and I'll print you one! _______ & ________’s Wedding Bridal Party Women’s FAQ and Schedule The Basics! What You are paying for : Dressing Yourself, including Jewelry (other than said Bridal Party gift), alterations, $<strong>30 towards the Party Bus</strong>, Nails (Mani/Pedi if so desired, *is NOT required!*), and any drinks (including BYOB on the party bus, other than the champagne toast they provide) you consume. <strong>In addition, you will be paying for your participation in the Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Party</strong>. What I am Paying for that is related to your partcipation: Everything else!! Including but not limited to, florist services, hair service (thanks to __________), and aforementioned gift of jewelry. Wedding Week begins on Monday June 27th!!! I will be receiving the keys to the hall on that day, and we will begin arranging and decorating ASAP. I am taking the entire week off after Sunday night (except Tues Night for ___________), to stay focused and organized. Wedding Rehearsal will be on Friday, July 1st at 4:00pm , with BBQ to follow! Your significant others and/or children are welcome to come, as they are also to the wedding. (Don’t forget to specify that on your RSVP Card! I need to keep a solid headcount!) Projects: Things I would love help with preparing in advance: Centerpieces (25 of them: sand, shells, sea glass & candle) 24 into 12 Table runners (sew 2 into 1 long runner per dbl table) Big bows (to be attached @ every other chair down the aisle) General Schedule for Wedding Week: Monday through Thursday (10am-ish – 8pm-ish): I thought I’d give a rough range of time in which I’ll need to accomplish things. Those times on different days will be specified as we get closer, and we have a better idea of our needs. We’ll need to transport all decorations & miscellaneous equipment to the Hall on those days. Then arrange and set up. This includes table dressings and pre-assembled décor (mentioned on first page). <strong>*I encourage anyone investing in Mani/Pedies Waxings, etc. to get them done on Thursday, as Friday will be busy with chair set-up and decorating at _________ house, followed by the rehearsal and BBQ!</strong>* REHEARSAL DAY: Depending on the time the chairs arrive (I should know this earlier on in the week), we will need to set up 170ish of them, and decorate the aisle and the trellis by 3:30pm, so we’re ready for Rehearsal at 4pm. WEDDING DAY: I want us all to meet at the ________________ for 8:30am . <strong>Do your showering in advance and just bring all your gowns, jewelry, make up, & optional *ahem* “beverages” ;)</strong> (etc.) <strong>And please, for the love of all things Matrimonial, be on time! </strong> Clean/clear out your cars at least the day before, as we will be carpooling in 2-3 cars back to ____________ house. Whoever volunteers to leave their car at ______________ house will just have to arrange in advance for a ride back up to _________ with someone, which shouldn't be a big deal as many people will be heading back up that way. Girls (including flower girls) are gathering at ___________________. Boys (including ring bearer) are at ______________. I’m putting the guys in charge of setting up the PA and band equipment that day so we won’t need to worry about that. I will know better, as we get closer, when things like the flowers and cake will be delivered. HAIR! I need your decision as to whether or not you want your hair done by _________ that day. If you feel you can do your own hair the way you like it, that’s fine with me. I would like to give __________ a head count, so she knows whether she needs an assistant or not. Early Photo Session: I would like to be ready for photos for 1pm, so we can save some time later, and take “Girls” photos before the ceremony, in and around the garden (This idea was strongly advised to me by __________). Then head back inside for a quick toast before the ceremony. O.o There will be baked goods, juice, coffee, etc., in case we get hungry. After Party Clean Up! After the reception, we are responsible for the clean up of the place. <strong> I need all hands on deck</strong>, as we have the place till midnight, then keys go back in the morning. So, as not to lay it all on _________ the next day, and to get out of there as quickly as possible (_______ and I have a very early flight), we’ll all work together to do what we need to do as efficiently as possible. <strong>PS. Being “too drunk” is NOT an excuse to not help. I’ve gotten that one before. Just keep it in mind, as you go through the evening: Water is your friend." </strong> I just want to run as far away as possible from this wedding. :(
Posted by katieisawesome[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Here, I highlighted all the parts I find ridiculous or offensive.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, I don't think the 'we' referred to her and the groom. I think it was 'we' like the wedding party aka slaves.

</div>

Ghoti · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:c662f2f7-424b-41fb-81bb-6678ef4cf36c">Re: **silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: **silent scream** : " Monday through Thursday (10am-ish – 8pm-ish): I thought I’d give a rough range of time in which I’ll need to accomplish things. Those times on different days will be specified as we get closer, and we have a better idea of our needs." That to me means "we expect you to be available during those times for whatever want." Also, I love that she says she will be covering the floral expenses.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
I took it opposite, since "our needs" clearly isn't the needs of the bridal party, but that of the B&G. Anyway, no time to argue tonight, some of it is tacky, but I don't read it all as Bridezilla of the year. I'd love to have all the details like that if I was in a BP, since I'd have no idea what was expected of me.<div>Now if when I told her I couldn't do Friday or tie bows or whatever and she wigged, then yeah, she's a bridezilla.</div>

SirJuliusVonHaast · May 2011

I would probably just forward her the link to this thread, so she can see that 95% of people think she's BSC.

Beachy730 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:213a58a2-2ef7-4f9d-be9d-24cfab09b7aa">Re: **silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: **silent scream** : I took it opposite, since "our needs" clearly isn't the needs of the bridal party, but that of the B&G. Anyway, no time to argue tonight, some of it is tacky, but I don't read it all as Bridezilla of the year. I'd love to have all the details like that if I was in a BP, since I'd have no idea what was expected of me. Now if when I told her I couldn't do Friday or tie bows or whatever and she wigged, then yeah, she's a bridezilla.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

<div>Do you normally inform your friends of your step by step plans when they don't at all involve them? If she wasn't expecting the BM's to be there, she wouldn't be telling them the details, or specifying times for them later. </div>

ShakeUpTampa · May 2011

I nearly crapped myself. I am organized, over the next 9 months I am throwing like 1-2 movie night get togethers with my bridal party and other females who offered to HELP with stuff to do the DIY stuff and what not....my MOH asked for a list of things she can be in charge of as she has never been in a wedding but I'm not making demands....this chick is crazy..I'm thinking of copying it to show my bridal party what I am NOT like

marinabreeze · May 2011

I agree with most PPs. I don't think she would've mentioned the details,"all hands on deck," and the nice bit about not being "too drunk" to help if she didn't expect for the WP to help her out. If they offered, that is one thing, but to demand it I feel is wrong.

Also, why is she even involved with her own own pre-wedding parties? That stuck out to me, as well as her expectations for them to setup and cleanup.

I get doing things on a budget, but see that's why I insist on having hired help for my wedding, particularly for the reception. I want my WP and other guests to actually enjoy themselves, not have to think "water is your friend" only for the sake of slaving after the party is over. I think the OP should tell her friend that she's lost her mind and let her know what she will and won't do. If The Bride has a problem with it, I think she should drop out.

quirky75 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:20ef8dbd-d8ae-4ebc-b711-cbee5c121dae">Re: **silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: **silent scream** : Just tell her after reading her letter you realized that you don't have nearly enough time to commit to the wedding, and you feel it's only fair that you step down.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

I think this is the way to back out and possibly still keep the peace.

There's no way you should have to dedicate all that time to help with the wedding. And also the fact that you're not a slave and shouldn't be told you have to make sure you drink lots of water in order to be sober for clean-up. Eff that.

Edit: I like the past suggestion of getting really drunk to show there is such thing as "too drunk" to help ;)

mob2689 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:20ef8dbd-d8ae-4ebc-b711-cbee5c121dae">Re: **silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: **silent scream** : Well I don't think I would want to be friends with someone who considered me to be slave labor anyways. Just tell her after reading her letter<strong> you realized that you don't have nearly enough time to commit to the wedding,</strong> and you feel it's only fair that you step down<strong>.</strong>
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
That was my initial thought as well, does she expect you to take a week off work as well? As most know, I am not an etiquetted (educated in etiquette) person(love that new word btw LOL) but I even see all the wrongs in it! I gather this is her second marriage according to one of her final stmts, if so, gee I wonder why?

polichik · May 2011

I think PPs hit the nail on the head that the tone of it is one of the biggest issues with it.

I sent everyone involved in the wedding (WP, officiant, parents, vendors) a spreadsheet with the day-of schedule and locations since we did a ton of photos before the ceremony. I can understand sending people a schedule with locations to be at and whatnot, but I can't imagine demanding labor. Our DOC bailed on me two weeks before the wedding, and I had many friends step up and offer their help. I can't even picture having the gall to demand help... I felt awkward enough accepting it when it was asked.

Amitzah · May 2011

She's hawking the drinks throughout the first half of the email and then when it gets to clean up she's worried about you getting drunk? She sure has piorities. I plan to drag my MOH around to help me plan, but that's because I value her advice, not because I expect her to do the work for me. Three of my bridesmaids live out of town, one of those out of state. Any planning or work I do is going to be up to me, my FI, and my family. Expecting others to hop to is... Let's just say i have a lot of experience with volunteerism to the point that I don't volunteer anymore but instead get volunteered. I hate having the choice taken away. That email really rubs me the wrong way. Back out now. While you still can. Tell her that you don't think you will be able to fulfill your "duties" as BM but would still like to share in her happy day as a guest.

sklink0486 · May 2011

Yeah, back out. Tell her that you can't dedicate that much time to her wedding. She is DEFINITELY a bridezilla. Especially the whole part about being drunk is not an excuse- I've heard that one before?? and not to mention the whole "Wedding Week starts Monday!" WTF!! I think she fully expects the WP to take off not only Friday, but the whole week! Especially with the whole 10am-8pm or whatever. Um, I think you need to tell her what someone else wrote "I charge $30/hour". And not to mention the "you will pay for your participation in the wedding shower/bachelorette party". She totally finds it acceptable for someone to have to pay $400-$500 just to be in her wedding party not including any plane tickets or hotel stay, etc. that may involve. Yep, she's crazy. I wouldn't even get her a gift with that attitude.

jcamm11 · May 2011

I would stay in the wedding party, but possibly opt out of the bach party and shower, only go to set up and help with things I actually wanted to, and leave the reception by 11:55p.

I also think the fact she's requiring you to wear certain jewlery for the wedding, considering it your BP gift, and listing it in the letter as her investment in your participation is icing on the cake.

lyndausvi · May 2011

WTF...

How did I miss this post.

Wow... just wow.

lyndausvi · May 2011

I kind of have to laugh at the setup time frame. I had paid help and they didn't work everyday the week of the wedding. Well they might have worked, but it wasn't on only my wedding.

Even at work we will have a wedding on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same week in the same room. Sure there are a lot of hands on deck, but setting up a room for a wedding does not take an entire week...

Just saying.

katieisawesome · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_silent-scream?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd379b74-51fa-42d1-999b-d123b2d02d7ePost:d65f90d5-6d42-4824-b107-ea09074a78c1">Re: **silent scream**</a>:
[QUOTE]I would stay in the wedding party, but possibly opt out of the bach party and shower, only go to set up and help with things I actually wanted to, and leave the reception by 11:55p. I also think the fact she's requiring you to wear certain jewlery for the wedding, considering it your BP gift, and listing it in the letter as her investment in your participation is icing on the cake.
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

<div>This is basically what I am doing - I am going to attend the shower and probably the bachelorette, but I have no intention of dedicating any more time than I had previously planned and I am not going to be taking everything down at the end. Just no.</div><div>
</div><div>I emailed her back saying I was under the impression that the time I had already *volunteered* was sufficient and that unfortunately I wouldn't be able to do anything else and I suggested that she hire some help.</div><div>
</div><div>She was appalled at the suggestion that she actually PAY someone to do the work. Other than that she took it relatively well.</div><div>
</div><div>I am going to stick it out but I'm not spending a dime or a minute more than I already offered.</div>

artbyallie · May 2011

Good for you for standing up for yourself. But I have to wonder... how many decorations does she have if it's going to take multiple people 4 10-hour days to set up?!?!

ETA: And that's apparently not counting the chairs to be set up on rehearsal day...

mizutamababy · May 2011

Damn... that's crazy! If I were asked to be in a BP I wouldn't mind paying my share of things or helping out a little with decorations/set-up, but key word is A LITTLE and not a week long marathon. If she really has that much stuff she needs to hire a WC or at least a day of coordinator.

Habs2Hart · May 2011

I think she forgot the part at the bottom where they are supposed to sign and date it.

Rosie109 · May 2011

Is this the same lady who flipped out when your daughter couldn't be a flowergirl?

jrkjpf · May 2011

WTF? I'm sorry, but I would have to be too drunk and passed out to be able to help, "clean up." Seriously.

jemmini6 · May 2011

Wow...I would definitely back out. I don't know that I would even want to maintain a friendship with someone this BSC. You are definitely a bigger person that I would be by responding so politely, although I can probably guarentee she is the type of person who will proceed to talk shiit about you to the other BM's because you backed out of your 'responsibilities'.

I'll second the idea of sending her the link to this post so she can see that pretty much everyone thinks she's a psycho bridezilla...maybe that'll get through to her.

OBX2011 · May 2011

Ummmmmmm yea NO! I didn't even read the entire list...I would be outta that WP in a hearbeat. Sounds like you may have a bridezilla on your hands my dear.

silent scream

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