Those with mixed marriages - come in

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

For those of you who are Catholic, and married a non Catholic, is it an issue in your marriage? Meaning does your spouse go to Mass with you, and if they don't, does it bother you? What about children? How will you explain to them why Daddy isn't Catholic?

The reason I'm asking is that this is something that has really been on my mind lately. My BF is loving, kind, caring, etc. He respects my religion, has done everything necessary for the annulment, and has agreed that our children will be raised Catholic, has agreed to the Catholic wedding, and has promised that he will attend Mass with me on a weekly basis. We will also attend his Methodist church. The one thing he has refused is to get involved with my church, in terms of giving his time. His time goes to "his" church.

While I greatly appreciate his concessions, I wonder if long term it will bother me that he doesn't believe. I asked him if he would consider becoming Catholic, and he said no. I asked why, and he started telling me certain things he does not like about the church. Well, for every single point he made, his feelings were based entirely on misinformation or utter fallacies. I was able to correct some of it, but he's still not gung ho about it.

I just wonder what I'm going to say to our kids when they are raised to believe that the Catholic church is the right thing, but they ask "why isn't Daddy Catholic then?". What do we say?

I'm kind of rambling, I know. I love my FI very much but I'm terrified that in the long term I will regret not marrying someone who doesn't share my faith.

How has it worked out in your marriages?

mica178 · April 2011

We're newly wed, so I don't know how well it's working. I mean, I think it's working well, but it's only been 6 months, and we don't have kids yet.

H goes to Mass with me. We also have participated in bible study at our church.

Both H and I come from mixed families (half Presbyterian, half Catholic), but he was raised Presbyterian, and I was raised Catholic. Both of our fathers attended church with the whole family, only his father now considers himself Presbyterian (he was born Catholic). My father has hung onto his Protestant upbringing, and it just allows for more interesting discussions, but he always supported our upbringing in the Catholic church and was present for the important sacraments.
H and I agreed that we would attend church together and have that church be our church home. So if there are events at the church, he goes even though he is not Catholic. We find this arrangement easy, probably because H spent a lot of time in Catholic churches (and seminaries and convents) as a child (he has an aunt who is a nun and an uncle who is a bishop). I don't know how things would have worked if he wasn't so comfortable with Catholicism.

Calypso1977 · April 2011

im not mixed, but my sister is.

her husband believed in god and christianity, but his parents never baptized him or identified with any faith. they were married in teh church, but due to teh lack of baptism they were married in the rectory and denied a wedding on the high altar as wel as Mass. (the priest was pretty old-school).

my sister did not push him to convert. he did attend Mass with her on a pretty regular basis.

shortly after the birth of thier first child, my BIL got serious about catholicism. he started doing a lot of research and seriously talked about converting. there is no doubt that some of the questions you posed ("why is daddy not catholic"?) weighed heavily on his mind.

he did end up converting and he is so grateful that he did, p;articularly since he became very ill a few years ago with cancer. his conversion took place when my oldest nephew was about 5 (he'll be 16 this summer). in many ways, he is more serious about the faith than my sister! its often said that converts make the best catholics.

my mom was also raised in a mixed home. however, my grandpa never went to church and was not religious at all. interestingly, my mom is very devout, her brothers not so much. i have often theorized if it was due to them thinking "dad isnt catholic and turned out ok, so i dont need to be either". even more interesting is that my mom's brothers went to parochial school whereas she went to public.

i think that in a mixed marriage, the catholic needs to be very diligent in their practice of the faith. the fact that your H is open to at least going with you can go along way.

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

Thanks Calypso. That's encouraging to hear. I wonder if exposure to the church with me will open his eyes and heart some more.

monkeysip · April 2011

I'm neither married nor dating a non-Catholic, but I thought I'd just share my thoughts.

I personally believe that you know whether someone is right for you by whether they make you a better person. Your fiance isn't Catholic, but does he make you a better Catholic? A better person? This is the essence of discerning a spouse. I think sometimes God does will a Catholic to marry a non-Catholic, but it is always because those two people will be able to bring each other closer to God.

The danger in mixed marriages is when the non-Catholic spouse starts negatively affecting the Catholic one. I've seen couples where the Catholic spouse starts practicing the faith less and less because they have no support. I've also seen non-Catholic spouses encourage their Catholic spouse to be active and pious... even though they personally didn't believe in it. So it can go either way.

Maybe through your love and good example you'll eventually convert your future spouse. Maybe you won't. Either way, you can still help bring each other closer to God. As for the children, it is tricky. But the issue of "why doesn't daddy believe" can become a lesson to the child about authenticity and following one's conscience. And if your spouse makes you a better person, he'll also make the child a better person and Catholic too, even if he doesn't believe in it.

Either way, discernment from God is the key. If God truly wills your marriage, then don't worry about the problems down the road. Every marriage has its problems.

Meg1036 · April 2011

My FI and I are both Catholic, but my parents are a mixed marriage (my mom is Lutheran) - so I guess I can speak to the kid experience.

My siblings and I were primarily raised in the Catholic church, although depending on where we lived (we moved a bit), we would attend my mom's church on occaision and/or go to Sunday school there (almost always in addition to mass and CCD).

I don't think it was confusing to me at all as a child. So many of the things that children learn about religion are the same between different Christian denominations. I mean, CCD has things about sacraments, but I don't know that I realized that those were Catholic-specific. A lot of the rest of religious education (at least in my experience) is based on bible stories. Very little of it is specific Catholic theology, until at least confirmation age - at which point, you can have a detailed discussion with your kids.

So, in my experience, I don't think its a big deal that your husband/FI wants to be connected to his faith. How would you feel if he insisted you participate ONLY in his church? I think you explain to your kids what Catholics believe, but being careful not to put down Methodist teachings in the process. And if they ask why dad is not Catholic, doesn't take communion, goes to a different church, whatever the question is, say something like "Different people worship God in different ways, and we think its great that both of us participate in our churches. Your dad and I agreed that the Catholic way was the way we want to raise you."

I think its important that while you raise them Catholic, you don't lead them to believe that their dad's choice is inferior - because that would probably be confusing for kids. Their dad's religion is a little different, but not worse (at least until they are much older and you can explain the differente/they can recognize differences in richer terms than just good/bad or better/worse, and they don't interpret it as a personal indictment or criticism of their father).

MrsMack10612 · April 2011

I am a non-Catholic marrying a Catholic. We will be getting married in the Catholic Church. We are both very respectful of each other's faith and it enables us to have interesting discussion.

I have been without a church of my own for many years, but am currently looking (I moved around a lot and too far from my childhood one to go there). When we get married, I expect that he will go to Mass and I will go to my services, occasionally joining each other.

It would never occur to either one of to ask the other to convert.

I wouldn't really worry about the kids issue as long as you are honest with them about different religions/faiths and tolerance.

And FTR - though I understand the Catholic Church's stance on being the "right" religion - the statement "I wonder if long term it will bother me that he doesn't believe" could be really kind of offensive to non-Catholic Christians. Though practice and interpretation are varied - the majority of Christians all believe the same thing. We use the same (more or less - yes I know there are some differences in what books are included) Bible and teach the same gospels.

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

Thanks everyone. You have given me some good points to think about.

sweetxpea03 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_those-mixed-marriages-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:8e28fb64-6e29-437a-a781-0dc3954eec6cPost:f988b1c9-bde7-49a7-b037-90dae93e3957">Those with mixed marriages - come in</a>:
[QUOTE]For those of you who are Catholic, and married a non Catholic, is it an issue in your marriage? Meaning does your spouse go to Mass with you, and if they don't, does it bother you? What about children? How will you explain to them why Daddy isn't Catholic? The reason I'm asking is that this is something that has really been on my mind lately. My BF is loving, kind, caring, etc. He respects my religion, has done everything necessary for the annulment, and has agreed that our children will be raised Catholic, has agreed to the Catholic wedding, and has promised that he will attend Mass with me on a weekly basis. We will also attend his Methodist church. The one thing he has refused is to get involved with my church, in terms of giving his time. His time goes to "his" church. While I greatly appreciate his concessions, I wonder if long term it will bother me that he doesn't believe. I asked him if he would consider becoming Catholic, and he said no. I asked why, and he started telling me certain things he does not like about the church. Well, for every single point he made, his feelings were based entirely on misinformation or utter fallacies. I was able to correct some of it, but he's still not gung ho about it. I just wonder what I'm going to say to our kids when they are raised to believe that the Catholic church is the right thing, but they ask "why isn't Daddy Catholic then?". What do we say? I'm kind of rambling, I know. I love my FI very much but I'm terrified that in the long term I will regret not marrying someone who doesn't share my faith. How has it worked out in your marriages?
Posted by SoHappyToBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

I'm not married to a non-Catholic, but grew up with parents who are in that situation. My mother is a practicing Catholic and my father was baptized Catholic, but never really went to church with us and does not share the same beliefs. It has caused some conflict between them that would have never happened had they shared the same faith, but they always managed to work things out. My father occasionally would go with us to church, but he never got involved. I know it has bothered my mother and she does wish he would be involved in the church. My mother has always stressed that she wants me to marry someone who is Catholic, since she felt like that part of her relationship is lacking. At first, I had never listened to her advice and dated guys of all different religions and backgrounds, but now I am engaged to a Catholic man and I am happy I get to share my faith with him.

adamkatwedding · April 2011

I am not married yet, but my FI is Jewish and I am Catholic. We attend church and synagogue together weekly, and have some pretty deep conversations about God, religions and belief. I find that my faith has become deeper by having the exposure to to a truly beautiful religion that I don't practice- after all, Jesus was Jewish and I now feel connected to the traditions that ours are based upon. Example: this week, I attended two Passover seders before Holy Thursday and the whole mass took on a different tone- very powerful.

FI and I are supportive of each other's religions but we also give one another the space to discuss religious beliefs and explore our faiths both together and independently. Our children will be baptized and raised Catholic, but we plan to observe Jewish holidays and learn Hebrew.

Good luck!

Equine Osmosis · April 2011

What great responses! I do not have first hand experience but a couple of hopeful stories.

My aunt and uncle had a mixed marriage. She being Catholic, the kids were baptized and raised Catholic. I don't know how it was for them growing up, they're older than me. About 5-6 years ago my uncle decided to convert. The great thing is they just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary so their mixed marriage lasted about 45 years.

My FI's BIL was Methodist. He converted last year. He agreed the children could be raised Catholic (the oldest are in middle school). I think over the years of supporting the kids' learning in their faith he learned as well. He really dived into researching the misconceptions he had and rather than being reinforced in his thoughts, he learned the truth about the church. He is also a big family man so when his wife and kids went to a church function and he was left at home he started to realize that that's not really where he wanted to be.

I would say be patient and not push your FI. Even if he never converts, I'd be appreciative that he is willing to come to church with you. Over time things change (especially when you have kids) and he may decide that he wants to spend more time with you and the kids, even if it's not at his church.

CSacchi · April 2011

If the interfaith nature of your relationship is something that you're already noticing as a cause of tension (even if it's primarily tensing you up), I would say the most important thing is to communicate with your fiance!

As a practical way to do that, if you do marriage preparation in the Catholic Church, you will likely fill out a FOCCUS inventory, attend Pre-Cana, or go to an Engaged Encounter. All of those bring up the topic from different angles, which can create a gateway for talking more about how your family will work and compromise on celebrating and practicing your faith. Also, my parish has mentor couples. If you're doing a mentoring program, you might ask for mentors who have experience navigating being an interfaith couple.

My fiance is not Catholic; I am. So we're talking about many of these same things. I wish you luck, and I think you're so smart to think about this now!

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