A couple questions...

insanityofamom · August 2012

My wedding has an ideal guest list of 50. It's a work in progress so we'll see how close we get! We might be able to go a bit higher depending on buget choices.

1. Who do you give +1's to? Everyone? Only single people? College aged? High school aged?

2. Is a Disney Honeymoon Registry appropriate? (you can see example here - http://disney.honeymoonwishes.com/Honeymoon-Registry-116943.html) My DF and I are already living together, so we don't need embroidered towels, or china (I have two kids!), or plates, or silverware, or anything really. My DF hasn't been to WDW since he was in grade school, and I'd love to go back as an adult for my Honeymoon without the kids. How do I do this without being tacky? Or is just too tacky? I feel bad about the fees on the website, but nothing says TACKY like asking for cash. Should I also have a more traditional registry option available as well?

3. Obviously at 50 people, only the nearest and dearest family & friends will get invited. Would it be appropriate to send them an announcement after the wedding?

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I just jumped on the wedding planning train yesterday.

zizibet · August 2012

For plus 1s, anyone out of high school and in a relationship needs one. Truly single guests don't, but it's a nice gesture if you can.
Yes, honeymoon registries are tacky. You're asking for cash, and they're somewhat dishonest as the company just cuts a check(minus fees) after the wedding. Just have a very small registry and have people pass the word that you're saving for a Disney vacation. People will get the hint.

zizibet · August 2012

CRFB, thanks fro correcting me-I should have made the distiction, and didn't.

lauraanne9 · August 2012

Your plus ones are extended to anyone who considers themselves in a relationship.

As for the honeymoon registry, we are doing one, and have had nothing but excited and positive responses. We also have a traditional registry, but no one has purchased off of it, it has all come from the honeymoon one (and one gift card). Also, we went with Honeyfund, as it is not a site that gets a cut of any of the money, in fact, our guests print a little "picture" of our honeymoon request that they can send us with their check. We also added real things, with their real costs, so it has been fun.

Also, while no offense intended to the ladies here (although I am sure I will get some comments) TheKnot is the only site I have run into that has such an amazingly negative view of the sites. In fact, most of the people I have run into off here who have vehement opinions agianst them are people I recognize from here. That said, I went to a few other sites to get the opinions of a wide variety of people. Based on this, we decided to do the registry.

DramaGeek · August 2012

I just looked at HoneyFund and...I don't understand. You need a website so that people will send you cash? Huh. We got plenty of cash without HoneyFund.

I find honeymoon registeries extremely tacky. It's essentially registering for cash. There is no guarantee that a couple will use the money as you intended. So I want to buy them a massage on their honeymoon? Awesome, I will buy the massage.

Maybe I'm just bitter after my cousin and his wife didn't even go on the honeymoon for which they registered. Yeah, grandma was really happy that she "bought" them an experience that they never even did.

insanityofamom · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:f85651c3-8d23-4270-8002-de53ac3dfe6d">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]Your plus ones are extended to anyone who considers themselves in a relationship. As for the honeymoon registry, we are doing one, and have had nothing but excited and positive responses. We also have a traditional registry, but no one has purchased off of it, it has all come from the honeymoon one (and one gift card). Also, we went with Honeyfund, as it is not a site that gets a cut of any of the money, in fact, our guests print a little "picture" of our honeymoon request that they can send us with their check. We also added real things, with their real costs, so it has been fun. Also, while no offense intended to the ladies here (although I am sure I will get some comments) TheKnot is the only site I have run into that has such an amazingly negative view of the sites. In fact, most of the people I have run into off here who have vehement opinions agianst them are people I recognize from here. That said, I went to a few other sites to get the opinions of a wide variety of people. Based on this, we decided to do the registry.
Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]

Thanks LauraAnne, <div>
<div>How does Honeyfund work? Does each guest send the check individually or how does that work? The one thing I don't like about the Disney Honeymoon Registry is that it takes a cut for processing fees, but I do like that they will just send everything in one check so I can basically turn around and book my trip! </div><div>
</div><div>I think I will offer both, but I am not sure if I can get a traditional registry done soon enough to mail out with the invitatins by the end of the month. On top of last minute wedding plans, we're moving into a new apartment at the end of this month. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue Out" title="Tongue Out" /></div><div>
</div><div>Thanks again for all the input! </div><div>

</div></div>

DramaGeek · August 2012

Good news! You don't send registery info with your invitations, so no worries about not having it done in time.

And please, avoid any kind of honeymoon registery. It's just registering for cash and it's tacky.

insanityofamom · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:928bfe2d-3e46-43a0-bcc5-7066cadf9cf3">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]Good news! You don't send registery info with your invitations, so no worries about not having it done in time. And please, avoid any kind of honeymoon registery. It's just registering for cash and it's tacky.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, ho-hum. </div><div>
</div><div>I am not having a bridal shower (no point & no time) and that information would typically be included on a bridal shower invitation Also, our families doesn't talk much to anyone (and my parents can't be trusted to deliver reliable information) so word of mouth doesn't work in this situation. So how on earth would I even pass registry information on? Just cross my fingers and pray? </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Benny618 · August 2012

You put your registry info on your wedding website.

melb2013 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:1337c0d5-6d51-4602-b0cf-009f758ef3e5">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A couple questions... : Oh, ho-hum. I am not having a bridal shower (no point & no time) and that information would typically be included on a bridal shower invitation Also, our families doesn't talk much to anyone (and my parents can't be trusted to deliver reliable information) so word of mouth doesn't work in this situation. So how on earth would I even pass registry information on? Just cross my fingers and pray?
Posted by insanityofamom[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Ummm? Are you serious? If people don't ask about your registry then that means they don't want to buy from your registry... which is fine... It's not required that people buy you gifts off of your registry. You aren't suppose to expect presents in the first place- presents are not the point or reason for a wedding.</div><div>
</div>

DramaGeek · August 2012

It appears that you didn't want answers to questions, you wanted validation for what you've already decided to do. We've told you what etiquette says you should do, but it's clear that's not what you want, so by all means, forget etiquette - something that was put into place to ensure the comfort of your guests - and do what you want.

Kristin789 · August 2012

>>1. Who do you give +1's to?

You invite your friends. Those who are engaged or married or living with someone get both names on the envelope. That's really mandatory.

If you CHOOSE, you COULD put a note in your single friends' invitations telling them that they can bring a date to the wedding. Personally, I have never seen this done at a wedding in real life - most brides do not want their father's money or their own money spent on somebody's flavor of the month so that they get a free Saturday night dinner-dance.

2. Is a Disney Honeymoon Registry appropriate?

No. HM Registries are never good. See below:

Wedding gifts are supposed to be wonderful and heartfelt and long-lasting, mirroring the giver's fervent hope that the couple's marriage be wonderful and heartfelt and long-lasting.

By inviting these people to your wedding, you've asked your friends and family to be witnesses to your wedding ceremony, and as witnesses, those people are mentors for your marriage. Their gifts represent their acceptance of your request for their mentorship, and their gifts represent their presence in your lives and hearts forever.

When you see/use these gifts, you are reminded that you have a circle of people around you as a couple, people who you can call on, people who have pledged their support of you two as a couple. The following ideas do not match with what a wedding gift is supposed to represent, and in fact, just demand that people give you money instead of a wedding gift: a downpayment registry, a honeymoon registry, a “donation” to your fav charity, a money dance, a money tree, a greenback wedding or shower (where the guests bring cash), a plastic wedding or shower (where the guests bring gift cards), or an outright request for cash.

3. Obviously at 50 people, only the nearest and dearest family & friends will get invited. Would it be appropriate to send them an announcement after the wedding?

It would be appropriate, but not a good idea. When someone gets a wedding announcement, it's pretty much a gift demand. And these people didn't even get to go to the actual wedding and get a piece of cake at the reception. That's asking a lot, that they go get you a present and get it to you. I know that announcements are "appropriate" but when I get one, it really is like a request/demand for a gift. So instead, just put "WE GOT MARRIED" as the top line in the holiday card note in December. That way, it looks like you are sharing good news instead of requesting a gift. We only had 25 people at the wedding, and that includes US, so I know what you mean about people who expected to be invited but weren't... You just need to hold your ground and have the guest list that YOU want, not the guest list that OTHER PEOPLE want.

melb2013 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:3e9d8330-8030-4ff5-8445-ff8f99a9719c">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE] />>1. Who do you give +1's to? You invite your friends. Those who are engaged or married or living with someone get both names on the envelope. That's really mandatory. If you CHOOSE, you COULD put a note in your single friends' invitations telling them that they can bring a date to the wedding. Personally, I have never seen this done at a wedding in real life - most brides do not want their father's money or their own money spent on somebody's flavor of the month so that they get a free Saturday night dinner-dance. 2. Is a Disney Honeymoon Registry appropriate? No. HM Registries are never good. See below: <strong>Wedding gifts are supposed to be wonderful and heartfelt and long-lasting, mirroring the giver's fervent hope that the couple's marriage be wonderful and heartfelt and long-lasting. By inviting these people to your wedding, you've asked your friends and family to be witnesses to your wedding ceremony, and as witnesses, those people are mentors for your marriage. Their gifts represent their acceptance of your request for their mentorship, and their gifts represent their presence in your lives and hearts forever. When you see/use these gifts, you are reminded that you have a circle of people around you as a couple, people who you can call on, people who have pledged their support of you two as a couple. The following ideas do not match with what a wedding gift is supposed to represent, and in fact, just demand that people give you money instead of a wedding gift: a downpayment registry, a honeymoon registry , a “donation” to your fav charity, a money dance, a money tree, a greenback wedding or shower (where the guests bring cash), a plastic wedding or shower (where the guests bring gift cards), or an outright request for cash</strong>. 3. Obviously at 50 people, only the nearest and dearest family & friends will get invited. Would it be appropriate to send them an announcement after the wedding? It would be appropriate, but not a good idea. When someone gets a wedding announcement, it's pretty much a gift demand. And these people didn't even get to go to the actual wedding and get a piece of cake at the reception. That's asking a lot, that they go get you a present and get it to you. I know that announcements are "appropriate" but when I get one, it really is like a request/demand for a gift. So instead, just put "WE GOT MARRIED" as the top line in the holiday card note in December. That way, it looks like you are sharing good news instead of requesting a gift. We only had 25 people at the wedding, and that includes US, so I know what you mean about people who expected to be invited but weren't... You just need to hold your ground and have the guest list that YOU want, not the guest list that OTHER PEOPLE want.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>LOVE. Perfect explanation!

</div>

insanityofamom · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:0eb98af2-2f45-4114-bc49-0f57a23bd602">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]It appears that you didn't want answers to questions, you wanted validation for what you've already decided to do. We've told you what etiquette says you should do, but it's clear that's not what you want, so by all means, forget etiquette - something that was put into place to ensure the comfort of your guests - and do what you want.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, um, that was kind of rude? In a forum about etiquette? </div><div>
</div><div>What I am saying is I need to find some compromise. I explained a bit more of the situation to show why I felt it was a complicated decision, not a simple manner of what is dictated by etiquette. </div><div>
</div><div>I will def. try and do a wedding website, but that is pretty much bottom of the barrel of my list of to-do's. I am just starting from scratch here and my wedding is in just over 2 months. </div><div>
</div><div>Your right, gifts <strong>aren't </strong>expected, but it's not like people show up to weddings empty handed. If I was a greedy person, I'd be sending out a "WARMING PARTY" for the house I'm moving in at the end of this month, and then I'd throw an "ENGAGEMENT PARTY" and then I'd have a bachelorette party hosted by my MoH. My cousin held a "theme" bachelorette party where everyone bought her lingerie! I'm not doing <strong>any </strong>of those typical other evens that go along with a wedding. No one else is helping with the cost of the weddng. </div><div>
</div><div>And I guess announcements are out too. Oh well, I guess. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ChristineNB · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:1337c0d5-6d51-4602-b0cf-009f758ef3e5">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A couple questions... : Oh, ho-hum. I am not having a bridal shower (no point & no time) and that information would typically be included on a bridal shower invitation Also, our families doesn't talk much to anyone (and my parents can't be trusted to deliver reliable information) so word of mouth doesn't work in this situation. So how on earth would I even pass registry information on? Just cross my fingers and pray?
Posted by insanityofamom[/QUOTE]

I didn't have a bridal shower either and my family isn't super close and chatty, yet my guests that wanted to give actual gifts still managed to figure out that I had registered at Amazon. TheKnot gives all registered users a free wedding website, so I just set that up and on one page listed registry info (only took me a day or two to set up). Occasionally people would ask where we were registered, but since we only registered for like 20 items or so, people also took the hint that we would prefer cash.

melb2013 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:8b55229c-3296-47d0-870f-979ae5ba8216">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A couple questions... : Wow, um, that was kind of rude? In a forum about etiquette? What I am saying is I need to find some compromise. I explained a bit more of the situation to show why I felt it was a complicated decision, not a simple manner of what is dictated by etiquette. I will def. try and do a wedding website, but that is pretty much bottom of the barrel of my list of to-do's. I am just starting from scratch here and my wedding is in just over 2 months. <strong>Your right, gifts aren't expected, but it's not like people show up to weddings empty handed. </strong>If I was a greedy person, I'd be sending out a "WARMING PARTY" for the house I'm moving in at the end of this month, and then I'd throw an "ENGAGEMENT PARTY" and then I'd have a bachelorette party hosted by my MoH. My cousin held a "theme" bachelorette party where everyone bought her lingerie! I'm not doing any of those typical other evens that go along with a wedding. No one else is helping with the cost of the weddng. And I guess announcements are out too. Oh well, I guess.
Posted by insanityofamom[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Exactly. If they want to buy off of your registry, they will ASK where you are registered. If they don't ask, then they don't want to buy off of your registry.</div>

Bierfrau · August 2012

We told every body, no gift's. But we have some very stubborn family and friends. Its for both of us the second marriage. Word got out we like to renovate our house. So home depot and low's gift card's is what most of our friends and family is going for now. Most people rather give something what is really needed or wanted. Before there gift is re gifted. So, do what you like. When they care about you guys then cash is no problem either.

JanoBean75 · August 2012

OP, I've lived with my H for five years before we married. I had a roommate before that and he had his own place. We each had 12 years worth of home items between us so we didn't really NEED to register. But there are many people -- like me -- that do not give cash (honeyfund or actual cash) at weddings and only do boxed gifts. So we made a small registry for upgrades: new pans, new utensils, etc. No one says you need to register for china or monogrammed towels.

That said, those that usually give cash will give cash. You certainly don't need to make yourself look like you're ASKING for cash by creating a honeymoon fund. If they're inclined to give cash, they will. I had 60 people at my wedding. About 10 got us nothing at all, about 20 more got us boxed gifts. The rest gave us cash in varying amounts. We used it to pay off our Disney trip and other things.

As for your concern regarding how will people know about your registry, people can find it by searching your full name on Google. Do not put any info about registering in your invitation. If you have a website, that's a better place to put it if you are truly worried no one will find it.

If you can, book your honeymoon now. Use whatever cash you get to replenish your bank account. One PP said that TK is the only place that seems to be against honeymoon registries, yet everyone I know thinks they're tacky. Not everyone is an excited bride who has never learned the proper etiquette regarding weddings and gifts.

JanoBean75 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-couple-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf4c29bd-bb05-4e65-84f6-ce6852020177Post:8b55229c-3296-47d0-870f-979ae5ba8216">Re: A couple questions...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A couple questions... : Wow, um, that was kind of rude? In a forum about etiquette? What I am saying is I need to find some compromise. I explained a bit more of the situation to show why I felt it<strong> was a complicated decision</strong>, not a simple manner of what is dictated by etiquette. I will def. try and do a wedding website, but that is pretty much bottom of the barrel of my list of to-do's. I am just starting from scratch here and my wedding is in just over 2 months. Your right, gifts aren't expected, <strong>but it's not like people show up to weddings empty handed</strong>. If I was a greedy person, I'd be sending out a "WARMING PARTY" for the house I'm moving in at the end of this month, and then I'd throw an "ENGAGEMENT PARTY" and then I'd have a bachelorette party hosted by my MoH. My cousin held a "theme" bachelorette party where everyone bought her lingerie! I'm not doing any of those typical other evens that go along with a wedding. No one else is helping with the cost of the weddng. <strong>And I guess announcements are out too</strong>. Oh well, I guess.
Posted by insanityofamom[/QUOTE]

The thing is, it's really not complicated. A LOT of people live together for a while before getting married. A LOT of people don't really need more stuff.

Some people do show up emptyhanded -- but that's a decision they make based on their own finances. Has nothing to do with finding your registry or not. As I said in my PP, it's easy to find a registry with a quick Google search. And people can check the popular sites and find you if you've chosen to register there: Amazon, Bed Bath & Beyond, Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn, Williams-Sonoma, Target.

You can do announcements if you really want to. They've fallen out of fashion in the last decade or so. The only ones I've received in the last ten years were for couples that eloped. The general rule is to send them out the day after. If you aren't doing too many, you can always write a personal letter to those you wish to tell you've been married. Keep in mind that some folks may be offended that they weren't invited and may think you're expecting a gift (whether you are or not).

A couple questions...

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