Moms and Maids

Bridesmaid Duties/ $?

Wondering what is typical to ask of your bridesmaids? 

I am in the process of planning my own wedding, and also being in a friend's wedding. I have asked my girls to buy their dress, and pay for their hair and makeup for the day of. And a small outing for a bachelorette party. My sister/MOH and a close family friend are taking care of my shower. This is what I have experienced from being in other weddings. (And obviously a shower and wedding gift)

If put in $ amounts, what is fair to ask your bridesmaid to spend on the wedding as a whole?

Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $?

  • kmd0501kmd0501 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Oh boy...where to begin.

    Well for starters, if you are requiring your BMs to get their hair and make up done, then you pay for it.  End of story.  The only requirements your BMs have is to buy a dress (that is reasonably priced within their budget, which you will ask each girl about individually so as not to pressure anyone into spending money they do not have). 

    Second, you should never under any circumstances expect, or in your case, TELL your WP that they need to host a shower and bachelorette party for you.  You should not be involved in any of these pre-wedding activities in any way other than to provide a guest list and possible dates that you are/are not available....thats it.  You are in no way entitled to any pre-wedding parties.  These should be a gift  from whoeever decides to host them (which is not always the WP).

    Finally, not everyone has piles of money stashed away for your wedding so to say "obviously a shower and wedding gift" is expected of each BM makes you just sound like a spoiled gift grabby brat.

    So to answer your question about what is a fair amount to ask your BM to spend......whatever they tell you their budget is for the dress only.  Thats it.  Anything else you require of them should be paid for out of your own pocket.

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    There is no amount that anyone can give you. The amount that's fair is the amount the BM is comfortable spending. And it may have been standard for you to pay for hair and makeup when you were in other weddings but if you require that your BMs get it professionally done, you should be paying for it. They should only pay for it if it's optional.
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d44bea-3b5d-4993-a973-13fbcc3a13fcPost:a8b8659c-6414-41bb-a50d-e201d087a008">Bridesmaid Duties/ $?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wondering what is typical to ask of your bridesmaids?  I am in the process of planning my own wedding, and also being in a friend's wedding. I have asked my girls to buy their dress, and pay for their hair and makeup for the day of. And a small outing for a bachelorette party. My sister/MOH and a close family friend are taking care of my shower. This is what I have experienced from being in other weddings. (And obviously a shower and wedding gift) If put in $ amounts, what is fair to ask your bridesmaid to spend on the wedding as a whole?
    Posted by kimdenault[/QUOTE]
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d44bea-3b5d-4993-a973-13fbcc3a13fcPost:a8b8659c-6414-41bb-a50d-e201d087a008">Bridesmaid Duties/ $?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wondering what is typical to ask of your bridesmaids?  I am in the process of planning my own wedding, and also being in a friend's wedding. I have asked my girls to buy their dress, and pay for their hair and makeup for the day of. And a small outing for a bachelorette party. My sister/MOH and a close family friend are taking care of my shower. This is what I have experienced from being in other weddings. (And obviously a shower and wedding gift) If put in $ amounts, what is fair to ask your bridesmaid to spend on the wedding as a whole?
    Posted by kimdenault[/QUOTE]

    Usually when you ask someone to be in your WP, they pay for their attire. However, you still should ask each girl what they are willing to spend ahead of time. Also, if you are requiring them to get their hair and make-up done, then you need to pay for it. If you simply say I am getting my hair and make-up done at XYZ salon at this time, and let me know if you would like me to set you up as well, then they not only can decide if they want to get it done or do it themselves, but they would also have to pay for it which would save you some $$.

    And please don't ask for pre-wedding parties to be held in your honor. Anyone can host a bach party or a bridal shower, it doesn't have to be your MOH or BM's.
  • edited December 2011
    When you ask them to be in your wedding party, you also ask thei dress budget and then choose a dress accordingly (or make up the difference yourself).

    Also, you can NOT* suggest/request/demand anyone throw any parties in your honor, or plan them yourself. They are gifts that are to be given unprompted, if at all.

    Hair and makeup they can presumably do just fine on their own, but if you want it to be done professionally, you have to pay for it (and evenj then you can't require it because some people aren't comfortable with others touching their face or hair).

    And expecting a shower and wedding gift (especially since the shower IS a gift), is just wrong. No one is ever expected to give you gifts for any reason.

    Edit: *left out the "NOT"
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    A person who agrees to be your attendant is agreeing to buy a dress and show up for the ceremony.  That's it.  It's a courtesy to ask each girl their budget individually before you start to look (and it also just makes life easier, so they don't agree to a number that they can't realistically come up with just to avoid the initial drama).  If the bride requires any specifics about hair, makeup, or accessories (even just saying that they need to spend money on that), it's on her to pay, otherwise the attendants can be expected to fend for themselves.

    Anything else the WP wants to do as far as helping or throwing pre-parties is extra.  It's not required, and they're not bad BMs or bad friends if they don't choose to do more.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • kimdenaultkimdenault member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I must have stated that wrong, but yes I gave the girls the option of getting their hair and makup done with me, or however they choose. And I even paid for one of my girls dresses because she couldn't afford to, so I think I am being pretty fair. I really haven't asked anyone to do anything except my sister, who is more than happy to.

    My point of this topic was that I am in an upcoming wedding, and went to a "bridesmaid planning meeting" a few days ago, and was told that we would be splitting the cost of everything: shower, hotel rooms, and a weekend trip to Vegas, with shows, nice dinners, drinks, etc, add on top of that hair, make up, dress, shoes, etc....

    Just wondering if it is typical for the bridesmaid to split the cost of all of this? I was never asked if it was OK, just told that this is what is happening. I, myself, am getting married in the fall, moving out, etc, and cannot really afford to be spending $700 plus on this at the time. I said yes to the position because we have been friends for about 20 years, but I never know this was how it was going to be.

    Any suggestions?

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d44bea-3b5d-4993-a973-13fbcc3a13fcPost:a9f9692f-56e4-4f87-a3c3-9b26191322e6">Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I must have stated that wrong, but yes I gave the girls the option of getting their hair and makup done with me, or however they choose. And I even paid for one of my girls dresses because she couldn't afford to, so I think I am being pretty fair. I really haven't asked anyone to do anything except my sister, who is more than happy to. My point of this topic was that I am in an upcoming wedding, and went to a "bridesmaid planning meeting" a few days ago, and was told that we would be splitting the cost of everything: shower, hotel rooms, and a weekend trip to Vegas, with shows, nice dinners, drinks, etc, add on top of that hair, make up, dress, shoes, etc.... Just wondering if it is typical for the bridesmaid to split the cost of all of this? I was never asked if it was OK, just told that this is what is happening. I, myself, am getting married in the fall, moving out, etc, and cannot really afford to be spending $700 plus on this at the time. I said yes to the position because we have been friends for about 20 years, but I never know this was how it was going to be. Any suggestions?
    Posted by kimdenault[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, you're doing it right, your friend is doing it wrong.  I think you need to approach her and tell her that you can't afford a trip to Vegas, but you hope that she has fun.  You're under no obligation to pay for any of that stuff.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d44bea-3b5d-4993-a973-13fbcc3a13fcPost:15feb6d0-f015-4e91-adb7-42179d44ee79">Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $?</a>:
    [QUOTE] Also, you can suggest/request/demand anyone throw any parties in your honor, or plan them yourself. They are gifts that are to be given unprompted, if at all. Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

    Please tell me you mean <em><strong>can't.</strong></em>
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Whoever is in charge of the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette party, you need to do like aerin said and say, "sorry that is way too much for me, but I hope you guys have a great time". You are definitely under no obligation to pay for anything if you don't want to. Many times people split up stuff like for the shower like someone brings food, someone brings prizes, etc, same for the bachelorette party. But no person has the right to make decisions of other people's money without their consent. If you don't want to spend X amount of money on parties tell them, the host is the one that needs to be accomindating to anyone who wants to help not the other way around.  
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d44bea-3b5d-4993-a973-13fbcc3a13fcPost:190fff3d-8590-4f63-9522-8cacfab3236b">Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $? : Please tell me you mean can't.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
    Oops, yeah, that's what I meant. Thanks for catching that one.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d44bea-3b5d-4993-a973-13fbcc3a13fcPost:a9f9692f-56e4-4f87-a3c3-9b26191322e6">Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $?</a>:
    [QUOTE] I went to a "bridesmaid planning meeting" a few days ago, and was told that we would be splitting the cost of everything: shower, hotel rooms, and a weekend trip to Vegas, with shows, nice dinners, drinks, etc, add on top of that hair, make up, dress, shoes, etc
    Posted by kimdenault[/QUOTE]

    Please tell me the bride didn't run and initiate this meeting. It would be bad enough if it were the MOH (or whoever else was planning the bachelorette) but for the bride to plan how much everyone else had to pay for her own bachelorette is just wrong.
  • kimdenaultkimdenault member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Not 100% sure, but I am thinking it is the MOH's doing. I don't think she can afford it all herself, so she is thinking that its OK to make everyone split it all. The bachelorette party I am not so sure about.

    I still want to be in the wedding, as I do love my friend, but is it rude to talk to her about this without talking to the MOH? When I questioned that we were splitting this at the meeting, the response was almost like "yes, duh". Felt kind of stupid for even questioning it. But after talking to some other girls, it seems that if the MOH cannot afford a shower, etc, usually a family member or close friend steps in?

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If she can't afford the shower, she scales it back.  Showers don't have to be expensive: go to someone's house and serve some cake, cookies, and punch, and there's your shower.  She can split the cost with people who offer, but saying, "Okay, here's what we're doing, here's how much you owe" is not remotely okay.

    Or if no one can afford it, the shower doesn't happen.  Not everyone gets one, it's not a required party.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • kimdenaultkimdenault member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well thanks for the advice. I don't feel like a crazy person for thinking that this was completely unfair and a lot to ask of the bridesmaids. I do appreicate all of the feedback :-)
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would say an united front with the other BMs who agree with you to email the MOH and tell her, "Hey, sorry, but some of us can not afford to spend this amount of cash on everything you are wanting to do. We would love to help out like bring food, decorations or can contribute X amount towards this party and Y amount to that party. But I think you need to down scale some stuff and hopefully be open to our suggestions if we are helping out. We all love the Bride but just can't afford to put on some big parties because of our financial state." 

    That is basically the best way I can think of getting it through to this MOH that if she wants to host a party she is going to have to change her mind set on how it's going to be paid and planned. 

    And like aerin said, if no one can afford to host a party, the Bride doesn't get one. Pre-wedding parties are optional, it is sad, but they're many Brides out there that don't have these parties based on guests distance, money, or type of wedding (DW, JOP, and really small weddings). 
  • edited December 2011
    If the bride isn't involved right now, I would try to resolve this without talking to the bride. If, however, the bride was at this meeting and didn't pull her MOH aside and tell her to tone down the crazy, I think it's OK to talk to the bride directly. Again, the more directly you handle this, the better, but I can understand being hesitant to discuss finances with someone you don't know.
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've split the cost of a bach party with the other BMs before, but we also talked beforehand about the fact that we were going to split the cost, and what we wanted to do. Calling a meeting and telling everyone what's going on and how much they have to pay is so not ok.
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  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d44bea-3b5d-4993-a973-13fbcc3a13fcPost:66e74522-d4d9-4a20-8dfb-83eb107abb75">Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Duties/ $? : Yeah, you're doing it right, your friend is doing it wrong.  I think you need to approach her and tell her that you can't afford a trip to Vegas, but you hope that she has fun.  You're under no obligation to pay for any of that stuff.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    This exactly!  And if the bride is behind this and trying to convince you springing $700 for her to go to vegas for her bachelorette is part of your "duties" you should decline being a bridesmaid!

    And figure out a reasonable contribution (if any) such as a dollar amount, making cookies, bringing a veggie tray for the shower, and tell the MOH that is what you are willing to contribute for that party.  Not 1/5th of some bridal shower gala she thinks up.
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  • edited December 2011
    Bridesmaids do not have "duties". All they need to do is show up in the dress, walk down the aisle and look pretty. If you require they get their hair done and they are not okay with it, they you pay for them. I am letting my girls choose and it happens to be that 7 of the 10 are getting it done. I trust that the other 3 will be competent enough to curl their own hair and look nice.
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