I've read a lot of posts on this board regarding views and opinions on last name changes. I think that everyone has excellent points on why they do/don't change their name to their new husband's. I made the decision long ago that I don't want to change my last name and it's not a favorable decision with my FI.
I guess FI always assumed that when we got married that I'd change my last name. About 6 months ago I brought up the topic because I realized we had never talked about it and I knew that I didn't want to take his name. The topic has been brought up several times since then and the discussion never ends well. FI doesn't want to listen to my reasoning and ends up cutting me off and saying something like, "You just don't want to be a conformist." And when I will further entreat him to discuss it he just says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's really strange to me because he doesn't act like this about any other major issues (money, our future kids, etc.). We've never had any major communication issues and frankly it's really upsetting that he won't hear me out on it.
So some of my reasons for not taking his last name:
- I think taking a husband's last name is a carryover from when we were a patriarchal society. I'm not a raging feminist by any means but it just doesn't settle well with me. Really, a lot of the traditions around weddings don't settle with me well. That may be because I didn't come from a traditional family unit and didn't have a strong male presence in my life (my relationship with my father is strained). I understand the hypocrisy in keeping my maiden name considering that it was given to me by another man, my father, but to me it still feels like MY name.
- To me my name represents a part of my identity. I have been a very independent person since the age of 18. I've worked my way through college and have always supported myself. I even helped support FI for a year when he was having some job/money issues. I plan on pursuing my PhD and always wanted to publish research with my name on it, considering that my past degrees are in my current name.
- My FI changed his name while we were dating to his father's last name. Before he had his mother's last name and I knew him for years as that name. I really don't want his father's last name. He didn't help raise FI and is still very distant. I respect the fact that he is FI's father and I encourage FI to have a good relationship with him but I'm also the one who is always there to help FI when his father falls short (which is often).
Our wedding is fast approaching (May 28) and in the past week the discussion was brought up again and my FI was really upset about it. I received some monogrammed wine glasses at a bridal shower that had his last name initial on them and when he saw them he made some snide remark about how pointless the gift was considering that I am not taking his last name. I just let it blow over and didn't respond.
I love my FI and I am willing to compromise on a lot of things for the sake of our relationship. But even he has admitted that a name doesn't carry a lot of meaning (that was his reasoning for why it was so easy to change his name to his father's even though they don't have a great relationship) so I am really confused as to why he has taken such issue with my decision. He told me that we should have the same last name as a sign of unity. I then areed to hyphenate my name to MaidenName-NewName if he would hyphenate his to MyMaidenName-HisName and he not-so-kindly said "Heck no!" I don't see the unity or equality in a marriage where I am expected to give up my name and he won't budge at all?
I guess this post was mainly a vent because I already made my decision to not change my name. I am just wondering if anyone else has met resistance with their FI on a name change and how they handled it?