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May 2011 Weddings

guest list vent.

SO I was working on getting all the addresses for our guest list today, and told FI we needed about 36 more, pretty much all of which was his family.
So he called his grandmother to get the addresses from her side of the family that we needed, and she proceeded to add about 5 families onto our list!!
I said something to FI about not having room to add people onto our list, and he said "well nanna said we have to invite them so we do". 
Ok, last I checked this was OUR wedding, not HERS so who we invite and who we don't is OUR choice! 
Then, he told me she wants a print out of our list when we're done with it, to double check that we have everyone on it. NO. I will not do that. 

My parents are paying for the food for the wedding, and our list is already at a large number (233 people) and they can't afford to pay for anymore people! 
The thing that gets me, is the people she wants us to add aren't even people that FI knows!!! If you don't know them, what's the point in inviting them?!?!
He just doesn't get it, and he won't stand up to his grandmother, and if I do it them I'll just look like a major b*tch and then their whole family will get mad at me. 
I just want him to tell her, "this is our wedding and we're going to invite who we want"

ARGHHH!!!!!!!! 
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Re: guest list vent.

  • You're right..its YOUR wedding. That's what we had to say to ourselves after my mom kept inviting people I've never heard of. We just didn't invite them and won't tell her...she never talks to them anyway. If I don't know them, why do they need to be at my wedding? Would they really show up anyway? 
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  • ughhh i would sooo flip out too!!! We have been working and working on making the guest list smaller and FI family wants to invite 3rd cousins!!! So I feel your pain.. try and find a nice way to tell nana to shove it lol 
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  • I have a hard time with my mom inviting her work friends b/c I dont have room to invite my work friends...but shes paying. I couldnt imagine how angry Id be if she was adding and not paying. But you're 100% right. YOUR wedding and YOUR parents are paying so HIS family has no say. I think you should let him know that one of you will be standing up to nanna and if he wont do it, you will and he'll have to deal with a family that dislikes his wife...Just my opinion
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  • This is super frustrating - believe me, I know. FFIL wanted to add a bunch of people FI had never met but we were able to work it out. We have a couple invites going to friends of his, but not many.

    You and FI have to get on the same page about this though. It's your wedding - both of your wedding. If he wants to invite them, you guys will have to figure out a way to agree. Try showing it to him in terms of cost - if your parents' (very generous) offer doesn't cover everyone you're inviting, you guys will likely end up paying the additional cost - how does he feel about footing the bill for those people?

    I know a lot of people say that if FI's family isn't paying anything, they should have no say but I think the polite thing to do is to reasonably include them and, if you can afford it and it works for you guys, give them a couple invites. The wedding is one day and you wouldn't want to damage your relationship for the rest of your life with them over one day.

    But ultimately I think the important thing is for you and FI to come to an agreement of some sort and for him to talk to Nana. If you do it, it will appear to them that you're doing this alone and it's not FI. If it comes from him, it's a joint decision from the two of you.

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  • I tried explaining to Jason (FI) that my mom&stepdad can't afford to pay for more than 200 people (and even that is pushing it), so we are already over their limit. We don't have extra room in our budget to pay for them, and he knows that we don't. He just figures they aren't going to come anyway, so what's the harm in inviting them? 
    The thing is, we can't assume they won't come, because what if they surprise everyone and do come? Then we're really screwed. 
    When we originally made our list of his family members, we asked Nanna about it, and she said that list was just fine, and we didn't need to invite anymore than that. So now that she's saying we are forgetting people I'm just blown away because before it was "fine" and now it's not. 
    The thing is, no one stands up to Nanna. And he won't say anything to her about not being able to afford to invite these people, because she has already told him we have to, no questions asked. I don't want to be rude or disrespectful towards her, but there is just no way we can afford these extra people.  :( 
    I've already talked to my mom, and they can't afford anymore people either. 
    I really hope he comes to his senses and will tell his Nanna that it's simply not in the budget.
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  • I'm half tempted to just tell her we will invite them, but then really not do it. 
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  • As much as it would feel good to say that you invited them but then "lose" the invite, I feel like the people would still come, because your grandmother would invite them by word of mouth.  Then, you wouldn't have a place for them at dinner and it would be a whole fiasco. 

    If FI won't talk with his grandmother, will his mother?  Are you on good terms with her?  Otherwise, I think you need to sit down and talk with his grandmother.  Give her a number of people she can invite (say, 10) and tell her that the number is the MAX, because your parents are the ones paying for the food, so you don't have the final say in the number of guests. 

    Either way, someone's foot has to be put down in this situation.  In the end, I think if you do, and others think you are a b*atch about it, I think you might have to deal with it for now and let it blow over (which it will soon hopefully).  Let us know how it goes!!
  • If you have extra reply cards you could always check 'not coming' and have friends and coworkers write the names in.  Haha I like the creative lie idea.

    Ive also found, and maybe this is just with FIs family....if no one stands up to her and you do (politely of course) theres a bit of respect added. Simply b/c you had the balls to show her that she doesnt intimidate you. My boss works like that. She tries to intimidate you and when you dont let her she has more respect. I dunno. Myabe its not always like that
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  • Ahhh thanks for the advice.  :-/

    I don't plan on just pretending we invited everyone she wanted, and not really doing it - I have a guilty conscience and would never be able to do that. 
    I really like his family, and I don't want to upset his Nanna or anyone else.

    8days - you hit the nail on the head - it's definitely a FI problem right now and not even a guest list problem anymore. He's so stubborn he wouldn't even talk to me at all tonight after we argued about it. 
    Hopefully tomorrow when I get home from work I can try explaining everything to him again and we can reach a decision to talk to Nanna together.

    Also, I really like the idea of taking all his family off the list and telling her she can invite X number of people and that's it. Maybe that will help her, instead of her saying "well you already have this many, what's a few more" or anything like that happening. 

    *Sigh* I just wish I could snap my fingers and this would all be solved! 
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