Matron of Honor PROBLEM!

BeamingBride22Be · July 2012

My Matron of Honor is my sister, she was the obvious choice. I was her MOH and she is mine, that's just how it's always been. I'm perfectly happy with that too, I think it's great that we both have that bond together and that we always will.

Here's the problem. She cares nothing about my wedding. My best friend and my future sister in law are the other two BMs and they have been nothing but supportive and helpful through all of my wedding planning! Even though my future sister in law is located in another country right now, she has been so helpful!!

I sent out an email to all of my BMs going over a few dates and some info about the dresses so they will be in the know about everything. My two BMs sent me back the sweetest email about how thoughtful and caring of a bride I am being. I really appreciated that from them! My MOH? She texted me and said she finally made it through my novel I sent out. That was it.

Apparently, my sister in law sent my MOH (sister) and BM an email about upcoming showers, bachelorette party and surprises for me. My sister forwarded me the email (which I was not supposed to know about) and explained to me that she is dumb to be thinking about showers so early and she can't deal with my wedding right now because she is too busy and she just has too much going on. She asked what she was supposed to say to that because she doesn't know what to say back. I read her email and was in tears. I don't know how I can have a sister and matron of honor that is basically the only stressful part I have for my wedding.

Does anyone have any advice for me?!

[Deleted User] · July 2012

If you have such a "bond" discussing this with her should not be hard. Tell her how her comments are making you feel and that she needs to work with the other BMs, why are THEY the ones thinking about showers and suprises when it's MOH that needs to spearhead those thing!s!

BeamingBride22Be · July 2012

I forgot to mention, I have discussed with her how she has made me feel. Nothing seems to change. I'm not sure if it's that her life is too busy to be a part of my wedding?

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ef19ad6a-4135-4b2f-9abb-21430ccc321bPost:777d2e2d-85eb-46aa-ac3e-8e8944499f5a">Matron of Honor PROBLEM!</a>:
[QUOTE]My Matron of Honor is my sister, she was the obvious choice. I was her MOH and she is mine, that's just how it's always been. I'm perfectly happy with that too, I think it's great that we both have that bond together and that we always will. Here's the problem. She cares nothing about my wedding. My best friend and my future sister in law are the other two BMs and they have been nothing but supportive and helpful through all of my wedding planning! Even though my future sister in law is located in another country right now, she has been so helpful!! I sent out an email to all of my BMs going over a few dates and some info about the dresses so they will be in the know about everything. My two BMs sent me back the sweetest email about how thoughtful and caring of a bride I am being. I really appreciated that from them! My MOH? She texted me and said she finally made it through my novel I sent out. That was it. Apparently, my sister in law sent my MOH (sister) and BM an email about upcoming showers, bachelorette party and surprises for me. My sister forwarded me the email (which I was not supposed to know about) and explained to me that she is dumb to be thinking about showers so early and she can't deal with my wedding right now because she is too busy and she just has too much going on. She asked what she was supposed to say to that because she doesn't know what to say back. I read her email and was in tears. I don't know how I can have a sister and matron of honor that is basically the only stressful part I have for my wedding. Does anyone have any advice for me?!
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]
Yeah, lower your expectations. It's your wedding, not hers, she's not required to get super excited about it. Your MOH is your closest friend, not your best helper. Appreciate the friends who are into it, and don't dwell on the ones who aren't. It's childish and ungrateful to the ones who are being helpful. Everyone's world doesn't revolve around you getting married, no matter their titles.

Forwarding you the email was kind of out of line, but the best response to that would be, "Please keep me out of any shower or bachelorette party planning discussions, I really shouldn't be involved." Let them sort it out themselves.

ETA: And if your sister doesn't want to think about shower planning now (and she has a point, you're a year from the wedding and at least 9-10 months from those parties, which don't take that long to plan), she should tell them directly that she's not interested in talking about that now, and if she wants to help host, she can touch base with them later on. She's also not required to help host and/or plan any parties for you, up to and including the wedding itself.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ef19ad6a-4135-4b2f-9abb-21430ccc321bPost:777d2e2d-85eb-46aa-ac3e-8e8944499f5a">Matron of Honor PROBLEM!</a>:
[QUOTE]My Matron of Honor is my sister, she was the obvious choice. I was her MOH and she is mine, that's just how it's always been. I'm perfectly happy with that too, I think it's great that we both have that bond together and that we always will. Here's the problem. She cares nothing about my wedding. My best friend and my future sister in law are the other two BMs and they have been nothing but supportive and helpful through all of my wedding planning! Even though my future sister in law is located in another country right now, she has been so helpful!! I sent out an email to all of my BMs going over a few dates and some info about the dresses so they will be in the know about everything. My two BMs sent me back the sweetest email about how thoughtful and caring of a bride I am being. I really appreciated that from them! My MOH? She texted me and said she finally made it through my novel I sent out. That was it. Apparently, my sister in law sent my MOH (sister) and BM an email about upcoming showers, bachelorette party and surprises for me. My sister forwarded me the email (which I was not supposed to know about) and explained to me that she is dumb to be thinking about showers so early and she can't deal with my wedding right now because she is too busy and she just has too much going on. She asked what she was supposed to say to that because she doesn't know what to say back. I read her email and was in tears. I don't know how I can have a sister and matron of honor that is basically the only stressful part I have for my wedding. Does anyone have any advice for me?!
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]

Okay. Your sister was wrong to forward you an email about surprises for you but that is all that she is wrong about.

You are a year out from your wedding. There is not a single thing that she should be doing. If she is describing your email as novel length, it probably is. It is probably also incredibly annoying if you are letting them know about everything. The only thing your WP needs to be concerned about is looking at dresses (which you have about six months until you have to start doing this) after you have asked them for their budgets.

Your WP does not have to do anything to help you plan. That may be a harsh shock but it is the truth. If you and your FI cannot throw this party on your own, then you need to hire a professional wedding planner. Your sister is married, and whether she knew all of this before, she knows it now.

OliveOilsMom · July 2012

Aerin & GLB have offered great advice so far. I would just add that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you and your FI are.

For now, just keep your sister out of the wedding loop. She can't disappoint you, if she doesn't know what's going on. When it's time for her to buy her dress, then give her the information so she can go purchase it.

BeamingBride22Be · July 2012

We are paying for bridesmaid dresses.

My BM is pregnant and she (along with myself) wanted to go on and look at dresses so we can have them ordered and altered with plenty of time.

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ef19ad6a-4135-4b2f-9abb-21430ccc321bPost:fda03e16-593a-4fb4-8f49-d40300b2897c">Re: Matron of Honor PROBLEM!</a>:
[QUOTE]We are paying for bridesmaid dresses. My BM is pregnant and she (along with myself) wanted to go on and look at dresses so we can have them ordered and altered with plenty of time.
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]

But you're still way too early. Your BM could give birth and be pregnant again in the time until your wedding. It's fine if people are interested in starting to look early, but "plenty of time" for BM dresses is still 4-6 months. People's bodies change, and you don't want to be on the hook for more alterations when it gets closer. Purchasing something now would be a disaster waiting to happen.

Seriously, slow your roll. I know it feels like your wedding is OMGrightaroundthecorner, but to everyone else, it's a long, solid year away, and it's going to be even longer if you're going at full tilt the entire time.

pkontk · July 2012

I agree with PPs - take a few deep breaths and relax.

I told my bridesmaids they could choose the dress they wanted to wear (black cocktail dresses) a good year ago - my wedding is in six weeks. And at least one has gone through a few versions of dresses she might buy. You still have time.

She didn't have to go overboard telling you what a great person you are for buying her a dress. Has she been in weddings before? I know the bridal party emails can get overwhelming for the most seasoned bridesmaid, so perhaps she was feeling over her head.

Yes, she should not share surprises with you for the shower and bachelorette, just tell her that you really prefer to be surprised. If she doesn't want to participate in those events, that's up to her.

libby2483 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ef19ad6a-4135-4b2f-9abb-21430ccc321bPost:5c0896e3-d785-4fca-8628-9fbc00eaad31">Re: Matron of Honor PROBLEM!</a>:
[QUOTE]If you have such a "bond" discussing this with her should not be hard. Tell her how her comments are making you feel and that she needs to work with the other BMs, why are THEY the ones thinking about showers and suprises when it's MOH that needs to spearhead those thing!s!
Posted by Jinxed329[/QUOTE]

<div>OP, please don't follow this advice. While it is traditional in many circles for the MOH to throw things like showers and bachelorette parties, it is not something she NEEDS to be doing. It is not an obligation. Anyone can host these parties for you, and if no one offers, you don't have one. </div>

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

Your sister shouldn't have forwarded the e-mail, but she is right to think all of this is happening way too early. The next time she does that, I would just say, "I shouldn't be involved with planning showers or b-parties. Why don't you discuss it with the other BMs?"

Some people just aren't excited about weddings. Perhaps she's busy with work or personal things. Like others have said, she doesn't need to help plan, and it's nice of your other BMs to apparently want to do those things. I would lower your expectations for her and just focus on being a friend/sister to her. Keep the wedding out of it.

LuckyGirl1713 · July 2012

Sorry that you are feeling down about this. I would step back from the situation for a little while and don't involve her in wedding details because obviously she has things going on in her life. And if you have tried to talk to her then I may try one more time and see exactly what is going on. She should not have forwarded hte message to you and she knows that she shouldn't of either so that was kind of a crappy move on her part. And try to enjoy the wedding planning with those that are as excited about it as you like your FI and your other maids. Good luck!

guardiangel6386 · July 2012

I have a similar problem and I'm 2 1/2 weeks away. My MOH has done nothing for the wedding but make one phone call for the Bachelorette party.Sad thing is I'm planning that. Anyway she recently blew off my bridal shower and is now unreachable.She has also yet to buy her dress as she also blew off the shopping trip. I've decided if she shows she shows,I may end up with only 2 BMs instead of 4 but I guess that happens.Good luck!

Pinkstarshine1 · August 2012

I understand how your sister not being really into it might make you a little sad. She's your sister, so it's understandable. One thing I have learned from dealing with people (and I have learned the hard way...it took me a long time), is that nothing anyone says or does is worth getting so worked up over that you let it get in the way of your overall well-being. It is perfectly normal to need to talk/vent about it when you feel slighted or hurt by someone close to you. That's natural. But do not put an extreme amount of stress on yourself.

When I was younger, I used to get overly upset about people not following the golden rule (treat others how you would like to be treated)...I used to rack my brain as to why they acted the way they did. I think that now, it still peeves me when people I care for don't always seem to follow that principle, but I just vent about the action and cut out trying to understand why. I have actually come to terms with the fact that people are the way they are...and just letting go of trying to figure it out and not getting really worked up over it does wonders. In my experience, when I feel like it seems someone close to me doesn't care about something, I just back off and away from that person and whatever happens, happens. It's much less stressful that way. Don't sweat it! I hope I at least helped you a little bit.

***Also, I am just making an observation with this post...and many others I have read on the message boards here. I have noticed that a lot of users on here are quite catty. I feel like like a lot of things brides on here say get picked apart, sometimes shredded apart, unnecessarily. Some users on here I believe read way too much into what people say, make assumptions that the people posting topics on here are snotty, whiny bridezillas...and respond in a catty way that probably isn't warranted. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't any posters on here who aren't miserable, ungrateful bridezillas...I'm sure there definitely are. But I think for the most part, most of these people on here are decent and nice.

I honestly feel that when most people post what they consider issues on here, they are probably just going by how others have told them things are supposed to be done. While it is appropriate to respond to these people and state opinions/advice (because that's why they are posting on here), there is a way to do it without being rude. There is a difference between constructive criticism and just being nasty.

Maybe some users on here think they are just keeping all the brides posting on here 'in check'...but really, some of the responses I have seen seem to be the product of the people giving advice going into it with the automatic notion that the OP is a cranky bridezilla who needs to be put in her place. To me, that's like spraying gasoline on a small campfire and turning it into a blazing inferno. People get angry and that's how arguments begin.

Again, I will say that it is perfectly fine for one to state her opinion/advice on a topic someone else posts...and if you don't agree with something she is doing or think what she's doing is wrong...say so. But unless the person posting the original thread truly is being a nasty, bratty, petty and ungrateful person (it's usually pretty easy to tell the difference between someone who is just being straight-up petty and someone who is truly seeking advice), it isn't necessary to jump down the person's throat. Calmly asking for details from the person about something that may be unclear instead of assuming they are just being bratty and juvenile, I believe is the constructive way to respond.

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