Bachlorette Party Disaster

eslilbreezy · August 2010

So I have two different types of friends. I have friends I go to church with and friends who don't go to church?. I know I'm not supposed to be planning the party, but I am.. I was thinking we could do some type of scavenger hunt where you go to different places as to take a picture with a guy, ask for phone numbers, etc etc.... and just have fun, but lots of the people i go to church with said they aren't going to do that and they'll just stay at home?? The people that don't go to church dont care one way or the other they just dont want to be sitting around "Drinking Tea and playing board games"

HOW DO I PLEASE BOTH SIDES!!

staceytaylor0704 · August 2010

Well, I was going to say that it isn't up to you to plan the bachelorette party but it sounds like you know that.
Also, how is it a disaster if it hasn't happened yet?
Honestly, a scavenger hunt sounds like something I would have done in middle school. Why don't you just talk to them?
Just because someone goes to church doesn't mean they sit around "drinking tea and playing board games" for fun. There are plenty of fun things to do that don't involve that.

frogurt814 · August 2010

You are correct; you should not have any part in planning your bach party. It is up to your BMs (or anyone really) to plan a bach party for you if they want to.

Whatever they plan, if people feel uncomfortable attending, then they won't attend. That's their decision.

EDIT: My MOH is pretty religious, but she came out on my bach party (party bus) had a few drinks and stayed out the whole night. She didn't stay at home and drink tea.

trix1223 · August 2010

You're right. You shouldn't be planning the party. Whomever plans it makes the decision, and then people have the option of attending or not, as they choose.

An invite to a b-party....well okay, to any party....isn't a subpoena.

FWIW: I not only go to church, I work in a church. I don't just sit around drinking tea and playing board games for fun.

And I agree with PP: there's been no party yet. How can it be a disaster if it hasn't happened?

Belle2Be · August 2010

Since you know you're not supposed to plan it, don't. Problem solved

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

Well, just because you know you're not supposed to be planning your own bachelorette party doesn't excuse you from the side-eye. Let someone else take care of planning it.

Anyway, I assume your friends are grown ups. They can decide what they want to participate in and what they don't. Your bachelorette party will be what it will be and people will either come or they won't. There's no magical activity that you can do that will appease people who want a peaceful night and those who want a rowdy one.

I wouldn't have a bachelorette party if I were you, unless someone stepped up to throw it. If you absolutely must have a party, have one that isn't in your honor. Can't you just invite everyone over for a girls' night? Have some drinks, watch a movie, etc. just don't call it your bachelorette party. I think it's in poor taste to throw your own. If no one wants to throw one for you, just have a girls' night and be done with it.

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

I love how if you don't want to go out and drink from penis straws, that means you are sitting home playing Scrabble and drinking tea.

OP - yeah, you shouldn't plan your own B-party. But, should someone like some suggestions to appease both sides, may I recommend a nice trip to a spa for mani/pedis? Maybe a trip to see a good show? A nice meal in a fancy restaurant?

mbcdefg · August 2010

Stop planning your own party. It's incredibly rude to throw a party for yourself.

suz62984 · August 2010

Pre-bridal attendance isn't mandatory. If they want to stay home they can. Since you seem to be set on planning your own party, what about a spa party? Everyone goes to the spa, gets a mani/pedi, massage, etc. If you want a mimosa or champagne while you are there than get it.

Beachy730 · August 2010

My BMs planned my party but asked me for lots of input. I am very close with my family too and wanted my aunts to feel welcome to come. I knew the older ones wouldn't be going out to the bars with us at night. So we did a full day bach-party that got many people involved. Everyone invited was invited to all of it, but they could come to whatever they wanted to. We did:

1. Poolside drinks and snacks during the day at one of my aunts pools. Most of my aunts and cousins came to that part plus my BMs and mom.
2. Dinner and drinks at a fun, fancy restaurant downtown with my BMs, a few other friends, my mom and grandma.
3. Out to the bars downtown with BMs and some friends. Met up with H and the guys from his stag for a drink.
4. Stayed in a fancy mansion turned hotel with all my BMs for the night, that we never would have paid for other than a fun occasion.

I loved my day/night, and and I loved that so many people were a part of it. Maybe you can have a few events like that so people can decide what they want to do.

lisalou402 · August 2010

It's your bachelorette party, and anyone planning it should find out what you want to do. I know a lot of knotties disagree, but I would be super bummed if my WP planned a night in, and that's not what i wanted...or vice versa. I guess in our circle no one 'throws" a bachelorette party. People just meet out at a bar or a restaurant, unless there is a limo involved. Then you're asked to pay your part of the limo.

Is there a way to break it up into two parts? Just like dnbeach says, it could be cool to do a mutliple part event.

suz62984 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachlorette-party-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:105ed656-7215-4123-93d4-94cdf87db7abPost:1ae21cc6-df79-493f-be8b-339e9d83b427">Re: Bachlorette Party Disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]It's your bachelorette party, and anyone planning it should find out what you want to do. I know a lot of knotties disagree, but I would be super bummed if my WP planned a night in, and that's not what i wanted...or vice versa. I guess in our circle no one 'throws" a bachelorette party. People just meet out at a bar or a restaurant, unless there is a limo involved. Then you're asked to pay your part of the limo. Is there a way to break it up into two parts? Just like dnbeach says, it could be cool to do a mutliple part event.
Posted by lisalou402[/QUOTE]

The bridesmaids aren't throwing her a party. She is throwing herself the party but some of her bridesmaids have said they will skip it to stay in because they are religious and don't want to go drinking anywhere.

emilyinchile · August 2010

Two things. First, as PPs have said, people who go to church do not necessarily like to drink tea and hate scavenger hunts. Some churchgoers even drink! Like to get drunk! So it's fine to say "I have two groups of friends, the people in one arepretty shy and doesn't drink and the ones in the other like to go out," but using church or not as your distinction is silly.

Second, if you stop planning your own party and instead wait for someone else to plan it, this problem will be solved. Not only because it won't be your problem to resolved anymore but also because the planner(s) can figure out what works best - either each set of friends decides to host their own party for you, or they work together to plan something they all want to do.

CTGirl30 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachlorette-party-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:105ed656-7215-4123-93d4-94cdf87db7abPost:1ae21cc6-df79-493f-be8b-339e9d83b427">Re: Bachlorette Party Disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]It's your bachelorette party, and anyone planning it should find out what you want to do. I know a lot of knotties disagree, but I would be super bummed if my WP planned a night in, and that's not what i wanted...or vice versa. I guess in our circle no one 'throws" a bachelorette party. People just meet out at a bar or a restaurant, unless there is a limo involved. Then you're asked to pay your part of the limo. Is there a way to break it up into two parts? Just like dnbeach says, it could be cool to do a mutliple part event.
Posted by lisalou402[/QUOTE]

In OPs case, she's stated she's planning her own party. The BMs aren't planning it - she is. Which is really rude - you don't plan a party in your honor, just as you wouldn't throw yourself a shower. If no one organizes one for you, then you don't get one. Some girls don't.

A bachelorette outing doesn't HAVE to be a drunken free for all - this is for the BMs to discuss amongst themselves and plan, if they decide to do so. If some girls prefer not to participate, they can certainly bow out. Party invites do not equal mandatory attendance. Ideal situation is that they can plan something everyone will be comfortable participating in (see: comedy club, spa day, go see a play / show and follow up with a nice dinner, you all take a cooking class, etc). AGAIN - that's for THEM to decide.

But since you're insisting on throwing your own, I'm going to give you the side eye and say good luck....

Lilou902 · August 2010

This sort of thing happened to me as well. My MOH and BM asked what I wanted to do. When I found something (taking a private pole dancing class and dinner) I was super excited about it. I hat 15 people going. I offered to pay half of the deposit for the class because it was a little pricey and I didn't expect anyone to shell out tons of money. So I pay the deposit, and one by one we dwindle down to about 7 people. SO my aunt says I should just cancel the dancing and just do a family dinner and forget about my friends. This friends is saying that about another friend, and so and so is mad because dancing isn't what she wants to do. I am completely in the middle - so I called it off! It mutated into this event that I didn't want and everyone was complaining. Point is if your girls want to give you a party, give them a few ideas and then be done with it. Don't try to get involved. It becomes a huge headache and it really isn't worth it right before the wedding. I would make a few suggestions on activities that everyone might like - a theme park, spa day, dinner and dancing, maybe go see a show - and let them take it from there. If your friends are uncomofortable with it, then they won't go. And I'm sure they will be ok with that decision.

eslilbreezy · August 2010

So I'm not planning it sorry i guess i screwed that up... one of my friends is planning it, and she's not really close with my other friends so she asks me and so on and so on.... she asked me for an idea that I thought would be fun but all of us could get along... and i know church people dont just "sitaround", but these friends of mine DO... they dont like to have an all blast out dancing to loud music yada yada where as most of my other friends go to clubs every weekend they love to have fun!! my church friends suggested just hanging out at the church and playing games like clue and stuff like that.. they dont want to do anything risque, like my friend suggested playing boxers or briefs and my other friend was completely appalled and said she wouldnt even come to my wedding if we did something like that. my friend suggested having two different parties which sounded like a good idea so we're probably going to go with that I just wanted to try and bring EVERYONE together instead of seperating people.....

and besides whats wrong with planning your on BP??? if you want to you should be able to?? why should you have to rely on your friends?

emilyinchile · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachlorette-party-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:105ed656-7215-4123-93d4-94cdf87db7abPost:4cf6a895-14bc-45f0-b47b-304ff8d89a96">Re: Bachlorette Party Disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]So I'm not planning it sorry i guess i screwed that up... one of my friends is planning it, and she's not really close with my other friends so she asks me and so on and so on.... she asked me for an idea that I thought would be fun but all of us could get along... and i know church people dont just "sitaround", but these friends of mine DO... they dont like to have an all blast out dancing to loud music yada yada where as most of my other friends go to clubs every weekend they love to have fun!! my church friends suggested just hanging out at the church and playing games like clue and stuff like that.. they dont want to do anything risque, like my friend suggested playing boxers or briefs and my other friend was completely appalled and said she wouldnt even come to my wedding if we did something like that. my friend suggested having two different parties which sounded like a good idea so we're probably going to go with that I just wanted to try and bring EVERYONE together instead of seperating people..... and besides whats wrong with planning your on BP??? if you want to you should be able to?? why should you have to rely on your friends?
Posted by eslilbreezy[/QUOTE]

Again, it's fine to have friends like that, but don't use "church-going" to mean "really really conservative and against anything remotely risque." It's not the same. What defines your friends in this situation isn't their religion, it's their choice of activities.

The problem with planning your BP is that a BP is a party honoring the bride. It's obviously fine to ask your friends to get together for a night out, but the second you make that night out about your wedding, you're throwing yourself a party to honor...you. And that's kind of egocentric.

suz62984 · August 2010

You can plan your own party all you want but it makes you look pathetic & "its all about me" in doing so. I would just go with two separate parties than. Your churchy friends sound boring and snotty though. They won't even come to the wedding if you play a game of 'boxers or briefs' at a separate party? I haven't heard of this game but unless this game of boxers and briefs has you in a pair, with some random guy, while cheating on your FI, I wouldn't worry about their opinion and would call their bluff.

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachlorette-party-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:105ed656-7215-4123-93d4-94cdf87db7abPost:4cf6a895-14bc-45f0-b47b-304ff8d89a96">Re: Bachlorette Party Disaster</a>:

[QUOTE]So I have two different types of friends. I have friends I go to church with and friends who don't go to church?. I know I'm not supposed to be planning the party, but I am.. I was thinking we could do some type of scavenger hunt where you go to different places as to take a picture with a guy, ask for phone numbers, etc etc.... and just have fun, but lots of the people i go to church with said they aren't going to do that and they'll just stay at home?? The people that don't go to church dont care one way or the other they just dont want to be sitting around "Drinking Tea and playing board games" HOW DO I PLEASE BOTH SIDES!!
Posted by eslilbreezy[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]So I'm not planning it sorry i guess i screwed that up... one of my friends is planning it, and she's not really close with my other friends so she asks me and so on and so on.... she asked me for an idea that I thought would be fun but all of us could get along... and i know church people dont just "sitaround", but these friends of mine DO... they dont like to have an all blast out dancing to loud music yada yada where as most of my other friends go to clubs every weekend they love to have fun!! my church friends suggested just hanging out at the church and playing games like clue and stuff like that.. they dont want to do anything risque, like my friend suggested playing boxers or briefs and my other friend was completely appalled and said she wouldnt even come to my wedding if we did something like that. my friend suggested having two different parties which sounded like a good idea so we're probably going to go with that I just wanted to try and bring EVERYONE together instead of seperating people..... and besides whats wrong with planning your on BP??? if you want to you should be able to?? why should you have to rely on your friends?
Posted by eslilbreezy[/QUOTE]

Which is it?

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

eslil - It's just tacky to plan a party in your honor. Will the cops arrive and cuff you if you do? Nah. But it's an etiquette no-no.

Like many said in previous posts, people will decide if they want to come or not. You can't please everyone all the time. So let your friend who is throwing the party plan the fun and your other friends will decide to go or not. If they don't come and you still want to hang out with them, make plans with them to go out or stay in or whatever you want to do. Just don't do it as a bachelorette party.

Lilou902 · August 2010

How about lunch and a spa day? Or a theme park? Id imagine that would please both groups?

mbcdefg · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachlorette-party-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:105ed656-7215-4123-93d4-94cdf87db7abPost:4cf6a895-14bc-45f0-b47b-304ff8d89a96">Re: Bachlorette Party Disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]and besides whats wrong with planning your on BP??? if you want to you should be able to?? why should you have to rely on your friends?
Posted by eslilbreezy[/QUOTE]

Because it's flat-out rude to plan a party for yourself. It's rude and selfish to say, "I'm planning a party for myself where the basic point is for all of you to attend and to pay for my food, drinks and entertainment!" It's basic manners and common sense not to plan a party for yourself. That's what's wrong with it.

Anyway, in the event that a friend is really planning this for you, and you're not just backpedaling and changing your story from "I'm planning my own party," which it sure seems is the case ... then tell the hostess (if she asks) what YOU want to do, and then leave it up to the guests to decide if they want to come.

You're not responsible for catering to everyone's interests. People can either stay home if they're truly uncomfortable, or they can attend an event and either learn something new or be adults and try to have fun. I don't like clubbing or bar-hopping, but if a friend really wanted to do this then I'd attend the party and I'd have a smile on my face and do my best to socialize.

Lilou902 · August 2010

You can always plan a night out and pay for yourself. Then it's just a night out with friends...

KevinMegan1008 · August 2010

I think if you just let the girls throw this party in your honor you wouln't be having this problem. If your girls got together through an email or something they could decide something theyd all feel comfortable in (ie: a dinner)

The last wedding I was in the girl and her FI did a joint party. Dinner & then a gothic club. Not ONE person from either side went to the club. If they would have just let us plan it we could have picked something we were all comfortable with. Instead they had a night by themselves.

heyimbren · August 2010

This is what it sounds like to me from reading your posts:

1) You really want control over your own bach party and I think you may be planning it but now you're backtracking. I also think this because you got really defensive when asking why you shouldn't be able to. Just be honest so we can give you honest advice based on your situation.

2) I think you really want to have a more "traditional" bach party. Nothing too crazy, but it sounds like you want to go dancing and drinking and all that. There's nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like you're also trying to please your more conservative friends who aren't into that.

So this is my advice:

Stop planning your own bach party. Let the other girls do it. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but if you have two groups of friends that like different things and you want both, and the two groups willingly offer to throw you a party each, I don't see a problem with that. But you can't plan it or ask/dictate how someone plans you one.

jenn.daniel · August 2010

Dang, I really like drinking tea and playing board games. I'm religious too, and I wouldn't be interested in your scavenger hunt. But that's because I don't like talking to strangers. I'm shy - it's not like I have a religous opposition to scavenger hunts.

Better than board games, though, is cards. Why not have a poker night? Not stupid drinking games, something like Texas Hold-'em. Those of you who want alcohol can have some, people who don't want any don't have to drink.

What is this "bowers or briefs" game? I'm curious.

SassyBrass · August 2010

What's wrong with drinking tea?

It's not easy to please everyone, sorry. Looks like no matter what the plan is, someone will probably have something negative to say about it.
When I had my bachelorette "party", we had dinner out. I had like 3 pregnant friends, and my friend planning it knew I'm not a club hopping type. I'd rather play pool and have a drink or something. So a nice girly dinner was the plan she came up with to try and please everyone. I was home by 11 (which was kind of a bummer but oh well), and some of the people still had complaints. She really did her best to keep it neutral. And it was nice of her to even have a dinner out for me.

I wouldn't really call this a disaster, but it looks like there's going to need to be 2 parties, or that you need to know that some of your friends will not be going (some of your "clubbing" friends wont go to hanging out at the church, or your conservative friends won't attend a crazy night out). I must ask though, what plans are you having at your wedding? Are your conservative friends going to leave if there's an open bar? Are your other friends going to skip out early if there isnt?
Sounds like your different groups probably aren't going to get along and be best pals, so you (or your friend I guess) don't need to be losing sleep on how to please both groups simultaneously.
And don't plan your own party. Plan for a neutral night out, plan for a movie night, etc... but when it's in your honor, while you can have a say in how it goes, you can't be the one sweating the details.

Angrytomato · August 2010

If you have 2 groups of friends that don't know each other, how are they supposed to coordinate a party for you?

A bachlorette party doesn't HAVE to be a "hey buy me drinks, give me gifts, spend all your money on ME, baby!!!!!!"

Everyone agrees these days that people do more than just go to a club with a giant inflatable dildo and get blitzed on long island ice teas all night. I see nothing wrong with saying "Hey ladies, I'm planning a beach bash for all us girls before I get married. Bring your own sunblock!"

Who freakin' cares if she's the one that has to organize all different friends to come together for this. I didn't see anywhere in her posts that she expects them to keep her liquored up all night and have the cash flowin' at her.

OP, do what you want as long as you're not telling your friends they have to cover all the expenses.

marinabreeze · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachlorette-party-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:105ed656-7215-4123-93d4-94cdf87db7abPost:850e481f-13b9-4fef-bce3-a1afe1aa4c27">Re: Bachlorette Party Disaster</a>:
[QUOTE] If you have 2 groups of friends that don't know each other, how are they supposed to coordinate a party for you? A bachlorette party doesn't HAVE to be a "hey buy me drinks, give me gifts, spend all your money on ME, baby!!!!!!" Everyone agrees these days that people do more than just go to a club with a giant inflatable dildo and get blitzed on long island ice teas all night. I see nothing wrong with saying "Hey ladies, I'm planning a beach bash for all us girls before I get married. Bring your own sunblock!" Who freakin' cares if she's the one that has to organize all different friends to come together for this. I didn't see anywhere in her posts that she expects them to keep her liquored up all night and have the cash flowin' at her. OP, do what you want as long as you're not telling your friends they have to cover all the expenses.
Posted by Angrytomato[/QUOTE]

There's a difference between planning a girls' day or night with friends for the heck of it, versus a "bachelorette party" in her own honor. She clearly said in the original post that she is planning a bachelorette party, not just a girl's night or fun outing just for the sake of doing it. No one is saying that she can't plan the b-party herself, she can do what she wants, but if she does it's still not proper ettiquette and she will get the side-eye (even if people don't come out and say it). Planning a party in your own honor is narcissistic and a little AW-ish. Just sayin'...

ETA: I don't see how having two groups of friends precludes them from coordinating a party for the OP if they so chose. If a few friends from one group wanted to coordinate a b-party, they would plan it and then ask the bride or WP about who to invite, hence bringing together both groups of friends. Or alternately, each group can plan their own b-party for her, so she can get two. I am sure she is not the only bride that has different, non-intersecting groups of friends, and such friends still do find ways to plan prewedding parties if they so choose.

jenn.daniel · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachlorette-party-disaster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:105ed656-7215-4123-93d4-94cdf87db7abPost:eb7a58c9-3546-45da-a417-6e7de5d112f9">Re: Bachlorette Party Disaster</a>:
[QUOTE]Boxers or briefs is kind of like apples to apples if youve ever played that -- you roll a dice and it lands on the start of a sentence (ihave, i want, i like etc). Then everyone is suppose to read their cards and put down a response (matching the dice) that is either true or funny about the person who rolled the dice -- then the person picks the funniest or truest and the person is awarded a chip which either had a boxer (true?) or brief (funny?) on it. Some of the responses a tad innappropriate, most are not, and there is a deck of card where you can make your own stayings too -- its really not that risque of a game, but can have its risque moments.
Posted by amjung2103[/QUOTE]

My friends and I love apples to apples. That sounds like a fun game! I don't see why anyone would have a problem with it.

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