Who to invite, who not to...

angielipa · April 2011

Our wedding is a little over a year away. We are about to sit down to do our official guest list, but I'm really conflicted.

I have about 5 cousins that I really want to invite (they are my age). But then I have cousins that are like 15 years older than me. Some of them I haven't seen or talked to since I was like 6 as they live out of state. How do I handle this? I really don't feel comfortable inviting people that I don't even know. I just have a feeling that if I don't invite everyone I will get flack from my aunts and uncles. AH!

I suppose I could invite them in hopes they decline. That sounds terrible!

Beachy730 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:76ca5abb-f4ad-430f-8063-9a51fe22f9a5Post:916847a6-4cef-4dbc-ad09-0d3364565247">Who to invite, who not to...</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is a little over a year away. We are about to sit down to do our official guest list, but I'm really conflicted. I have about 5 cousins that I really want to invite (they are my age). But then I have cousins that are like 15 years older than me. Some of them I haven't seen or talked to since I was like 6 as they live out of state. How do I handle this? I really don't feel comfortable inviting people that I don't even know. I just have a feeling that if I don't invite everyone I will get flack from my aunts and uncles. AH! I suppose I could invite them in hopes they decline. That sounds terrible!
Posted by angielipa[/QUOTE]

<div>Count on 100% attedance.</div><div>
</div><div>The best way to deal with family invites is usually to make general cuts across groups, such inviting all first cousins only. However, only you know your family. Personally, if I was going to offend some family members over making cuts, I would just invite them all or none of them. Your wedding is one day, your family is forever.</div>

angielipa · April 2011

Yes family is forever but as I mentioned above, I haven't talked to some of these people since I was a child. They are pretty much strangers to me.

mica178 · April 2011

Talk with your parents and try to get a general sense of what the family expectations are. There are some families where you have to invite everyone or risk offending everyone. There are other families where distant (or just "not close") relatives do not expect or want an invitation. H and I were able to get away with not inviting some of the relatives with whom we have little contact, even though they were closer to us by blood than other relatives that we invited. But we had the blessings of both sets of parents when we made that part of the guest list.

sarah0725 · April 2011

These are the kinds of questions that nobody on here who doesn't know your family is going to be able to answer. You need to talk to your parents and figure this sort of thing out with them.

I have a set of cousins once removed that I agonized over inviting - they're the sons and daughters of one of my first cousins, between the ages of about 18 and 26. So close in age to me, but I've only ever seen them maybe twice in my life. The complicating factor is that I am inviting some children of other first cousins, but these are all minors under 12, so if their parents are traveling they need to travel. After the 26-year old cousin didn't invite me to her wedding, I decided not to invite those cousins to mine.

Maybe not perfect Knot- or Emily Post-approved etiquette, but sometimes it just comes down to knowing your own family.

Beachy730 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:76ca5abb-f4ad-430f-8063-9a51fe22f9a5Post:41f45c05-c278-4a9c-a7cd-ee05a972c186">Re: Who to invite, who not to...</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes family is forever but as I mentioned above, I haven't talked to some of these people since I was a child. They are pretty much strangers to me.
Posted by angielipa[/QUOTE]

<div>I was just going off your comment that you said you're afraid you'll get flack from your aunts and uncles. If you are worried about offending them and want to just keep the peace, invite them all. If you are fine with it and your parents are fine with it (whose familiy it is) then don't invite them. </div>

angielipa · April 2011

My Dad is dead, and my mom always says to just do what I think I should do. Haha. The thing is, *some people in my family get extremely agitated about the strangest things. I guess this is probably just one of those things were I'm going to have to make up my mind and stick to my guns. I feel like I can only do so much to make people happy.

I should probably also just lighten up a little but. I'm feeling very anxious about the whole planning thing. I have the place and photographer, and that's it. I know a year is a good amount of time to plan, but if I don't start soon it is going to fly by!

Beachy730 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:76ca5abb-f4ad-430f-8063-9a51fe22f9a5Post:82e8664d-09da-4fde-a230-ecf58779f4a7">Re: Who to invite, who not to...</a>:
[QUOTE]My Dad is dead, and my mom always says to just do what I think I should do. Haha. The thing is, *some people in my family get extremely agitated about the strangest things. I guess this is probably just one of those things were I'm going to have to make up my mind and stick to my guns. I feel like I can only do so much to make people happy. I should probably also just lighten up a little but. I'm feeling very anxious about the whole planning thing. I have the place and photographer, and that's it. I know a year is a good amount of time to plan, but if I don't start soon it is going to fly by!
Posted by angielipa[/QUOTE]

<div>Start writing your guest list, and see where you're at. Your guest list is not going to be final until the day your invites go out, and even then it still changes sometimes. If you have room in your budget and want to invite them, fine. If it comes down to good friends over cousins you haven't seen in 10 years, I would probably go with the cousins. But we can't tell you how to choose between family, so like you said, just make a decision and own it.</div>

Kate61487 · April 2011

I agree with dnbeach - you should put EVERYONE on the list, and then see where you're at; you can always trim the fat.

For my family I didn't have a problem saying "yes to these second cousins, no to those" based on MY relationship with them; what I couldn't do is say yes to one sibling and no to another. Are all the cousins you're close to one familial unit and the distant cousins from other aunts/uncles? Or would you possibly be inviting one cousin and not his brother? To me that's a much tougher line to walk. If they're separate sibling groups I would invite the ones you're actually close to and not worry about the others. Their parents might be upset, but I SERIOUSLY doubt any of them would be offended.

marinabreeze · April 2011

Wow OP, that kind of sounds like my family. I have a huge family, and when I originally wrote my preliminary guest list out with cousins, it was at around 200. Cutting my cousins slashed my entire list by well over half.

My dad is also deceased, and so it's a little hard to navigate that side of my family. My mom basically told me to do what I wanted and if they get mad, then that's their problem. So pretty much I had to decide on my own.

The vast majority of my cousins are a lot older than me (like 10-20+ years older), and I rarely see most of them nor do they make that much of an effort to keep in touch with me. Some of them who have gotten married recently have chosen not to invite me to their weddings. I'm fine with that, and invites are not tit-for-tat. But apparently they don't think we're that close if I don't get an invite (and other family members do), so I don't think they'll be miffed if I don't invite them.

Now I will be honest, I did make a couple of exceptions. These were cousins that I am relatively close to.

I think that if you have a well-founded concern about how your family will react to picking and choosing based on who you know and who you don't, you will be best served by the all-or-none policy based on levels. However, you know your family, and I'm not so sure if I'd be compelled to invite people I hardly ever see simply because we might share some strandss of DNA. It's hard, but I'm sure you'll navigate it...we all have to at some point :-). GL!

tara133 · April 2011

I actually have the same issue. I have several cousins much older than me who live across the country. One of them I have met only once in my life. I realized that since I haven't even been in comunication with them and they didn't invite me to theor wedding that it would be perfectly acceptable not to invite them. I think it would be fine if you made the same choice.

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