Not Engaged Yet

My mother. (rant)

Mother is driving ca.ra.zy. I'm venting. No need to read all this crap.

We just got into a huge fight about who can/can't be invited. Between her siblings, their children, and my best friends my invite list is already almost 90. She thinks she should be allowed to invite her friends that I've never met... even though my parents want nothing to do with helping to pay. NO I said, our budget doesn't allow that. FI's parent's aren't allowed to invite their friends that he doesn't know either. So she then proceeded to tell me that FI shouldn't invite as many people to save money, especially his family. She made a point of telling me that I only have a few best friends, so "how could the bride's invite list be close to 90??" Um... hellooo you have to invite FI/husbands/long term bg/gfs of your friends. She thinks they shouldn't be invited at all. We can't not invite our aunts and uncles, right, that's just rude. We can't not invite SO of our guests, that's also rude. It's not our fault that her family lives in the midwest and FI's family lives here... meaning more of his will come than mine. Why can't she just be happy that we have alot of people who we love and adore and want there? This is so frustrating. We haven't been engaged for 2 weeks, and already I'm ready to elope.

Another thing... she wants me to get FI on speaker phone so she can verbally confront him and ask why he didn't ask to my dad first. I'm not bothered by it, my dad comes across as an ass sometimes and I don't blame FI for not doing it. Cryin out loud... we're 36 and 28. We're not children. We made the decision to spend our life together.  I think that that confrontation would really make FI uncomfortable, and would probably ruin that relationship for awhile. The past is the past and she just needs to have him swallow his damned pride and get over it. Can't they just be happy for us instead of picking fights 2 weeks into our engagement???

UGH. How much is it to elope in Hawaii?
www.nurseyk.weebly.com

Re: My mother. (rant)

  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Aw Nursey I am so sorry!  My friend is getting married next week and she is having similar problems.  I feel for you girl.  Hang in there.  I would just tell your mom the guest list is not up for discussion and bean dip her.  Also tell her that you and FI are not children, if he didn't ask your dad that is fine with you and she needs to get over it.  But that is all I have to give besides *hugs*
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Okay- the following picture has nothing to do with this topic:



    But I think it's funny.

    Unfortuantely, it seems like almost everyone faces this problem. Heck, I'm not even engaged and my mom wants me to invite a ton of people to my imaginary wedding. The upside of my wedding is that most people she wants to invite are out of town- and will most likely not want to shell out the cash to come. I think I will probably invite everyone- with the assumption most wont come. Hopefully my assumption is right.

    And P.S. Your mom is totally silly not to think each person invited isn't allowed the option for a guest...that's just kinda how it works. Boo to her.
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  • IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    *hugs* First, I'm not polite when it comes to my mother at times....we fight quite frequently as we have similar tempers, and she knows what buttons to push, and does it out of spite... SOOOO, I probably would've told her if that is the way she feels, and she doesn't want to contribute, then she needs to stfu. I am probably going to have this conversation with my mother eventually, as she will not want my boss and his wife there, and they are friends of mine, and have done a lot for me, so they will be invited. 

    This day is about you and FI. Not them. Point. Blank. Period. Do what makes you happy, love. At the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

    I would politely explain this to your mother, and if she doesn't want to listen... well PPPPPPPPPPP on her.

    You frickin rock for not flipping out on her at that point. :) I would've :-D
  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Aww, Nursey, I'm sorry to hear it. Sounds like a problem a lot of people of our generation are having with parents' invite list. The practice of parents inviting their friends and associates comes from a long tradition of the bride's family paying, as I'm sure you already know. Does it make sense that now that they are not paying, they still want to invite their list? NO, but I can see where it comes from. I'm sure when our parents got married, there were quite a few people in attendance whom they didn't know well, but who were there because they were close to the bride's parents, and now our parents want to have the same privilege (and show you off to everyone, too!).

    Maybe take a page from the advice we gave Shoes not too long ago; if your mom is driving you nuts over stuff that's not 100% rational, find a good excuse and get off the phone. You can always pick up the conversation later, when things are calmer.

    As far as the thing with your dad goes, maybe let things cool down and then take him out for coffee or to lunch and tell him, gently, that you understand his feelings, but that it didn't feel right to you or your FI to ask permission, since you're both well into your adulthood and living independently. Or whatever version of that makes sense. He might just feel better with some little gesture to let him know you do care about his opinion and feelings.

    Good luck, lady!
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a50a503c-0455-4aa8-be78-27c17e20f1ebPost:9f9afd8d-781a-4710-8549-702d45264d4a">My mother. (rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE] How much is it to elope in Hawaii?
    Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

    Peace of mind is priceless.  :)
  • jorhysjorhys member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sucks that she still doesn't get it after you have explained it to her. Hopefully with time she will just get over it!

    In terms of a guest list I feel that you only get a say so if you are financially contributing. Maybe she doesn't realize just how expensive it would be to accomodate those extra people.
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  • edited December 2011
    I did flip out. It was war.

    Thanks for the words of wisdom ladies... I'm off to go play for the day... p/r


    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I'm dreading trying to plan my wedding with my mom. She came to visit me this weekend and I was just emotionally drained by the end of it. If it wouldn't kill my dad, I would just elope and not deal with BF's parents or my mom.

    I'm sorry your mom is being a pain in the ass.


  • lmwilberlmwilber member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a50a503c-0455-4aa8-be78-27c17e20f1ebPost:c4251a7a-78ab-4c54-b6d5-764ffdb0fdea">Re: My mother. (rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to My mother. (rant) : Peace of mind is priceless.  :)
    Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.</div><div>
    </div><div>I would tell her that if she wants X number of people there that the price per head is Y and you will send them invites as soon as you receive her check to cover the cost of her friends attendance. But then again I'm a smart a$$ biitch :)</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    Bear in mind that I'm a total biitch to my mother because I can't stand her crazy, self-centered, childlike behavior.

    But...

    I would've told her, "Well, WE'RE paying for the wedding.  Therefore WE decide who gets invited.  You have NOTHING to say about my guest list.  And I'm NOT putting FI on the phone so you can 'confront' him.  You don't agree with him not asking for dad's blessing?  Well he doesn't agree with your ruining my happiness with your trying to control a wedding that you're not paying for.  Shall I put him on the phone to confront you?  No??  Well then...unless you have something actually profound to say, I'm hanging up."
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    That really sucks.  I would really just not talk to your mom about the guest list anymore.  She is not paying and therfore gets ZERO say in who's on it.  Also, I would nip the shiit in the butt with her wanting to confront FI.  Make sure she knows that he, or you, do not need your father's permission to get married and you wouldn't have it any other way. 
    Anniversary
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It is YOUR wedding.

    If YOU are paying, YOU get to determine who is invited.

    Also, there is no need for a confrontation about your FI not asking your dad's blessing or whatever. You are a grown woman. It is your relationship. if YOU are okay with him not asking, then it is no one else's business.

    And that's pretty much exactly what I would tell my mother if I were in your shoes.


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  • edited December 2011
    I feel for you. Our guest list is at 300 (and that is because our venue only holds 275). The first people we cut were friends of our parents who we didn't know.

    I'd like to say it'll get easier, but so far, it hasn't for us. We are now in discussions about a round wedding cake (my preference) vs. a square cake (MOG preference)... There will always be something else to argue over when it comes to a wedding. I've learned to stand my ground and pick my battles wisely. :) Good luck!
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
  • edited December 2011
    I called my sister. She gets my point of view. Small win.

    I honestly think my mother is being more BSC than I ever have been. Even when I was young and stoopid.

    FI promised me that if this gets out of control that he is down with eloping. Hawaii or bust?
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Don't gossip to your sister or anyone else. Don't get in a fight. By getting in a fight with your Mom, you're trying to convince her your right as if she has a leg to stand on. The more calmly and confidently you can direct theca version, the better it'll go. You're indirectly giving her position power by arguing. If they're not contributing, it's quite easy (though emotionally trying). "Mom, I'm happy to take suggestions but FI and I are paying for the wedding and we can only afford a certain amount. How we choose to divvy that up and who we invite will be our decision.". End of conversation. She keeps going, you tell her the stove just caught on fire and you have to go, or there's another call coming in, or whatever. If you're like me, you'd say, "I'm really tired of talking about this, so I'm going to let you go. Love you, bye!" My family was remarkably easy - I made the list and my parents approved it. The one possible issue isn't with my parents but others might take issue - we're not close with my Mom's sister or her family, and my Mom's Mom (crazy grandma from previous vents) causes big drama at any event this Aunt is invited to because they don't speak. I don't much care for this aunt or her brood, nothing personal but we have nothing in common, so I'm not inviting them. It will probably cause some talk among the family later, but it's worth it. You do NOT need to invite all aunts and uncles just because you think you should. My FI put his foot down withbis Mom who wanted all 10 of her siblings AND their spouses invited. FI said, "That's great, Mom. You want to see all your siblings, have a family reunion. Our wedding is not that. We will invite people to our wedding who are important to us, and I wouldn't recognize half your siblings if we were in the same room. They're not all getting invited."

    image

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