True of False?

NMac2010 · February 2011

So I was giving a friend of mine some advice who is engaged, and having a really hard time right now. One of the things she said that caught my attention was, "This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, and it's just not" My response was:

"Whoever said being engaged was one of the happiest times of your life obviously was loaded, didn't have to pay for their own wedding, didn't have a family of any kind, had a wedding planner who did e-v-e-r-ything, or, was high on crack. Constantly."

What do you ladies think about this? True for you, or not so much?

I didn't find being engaged to be "one of the happiest times of my life". Yes, it was exciting. But, I also thought more crap happened during our engagement than any other time during our relationship, and it seems like any kind of family issues, or turmoil always comes to the surface. DH and I fought more while we were engaged too, than we have since we've been married, or before we were engaged.

Just thought it would be fun to get everyone's input! Happy Friday ladies!

llc2011 · February 2011

I've really enjoyed being engaged. I've had so much fun working on DIY projects, and I think the planning process has been awesome for the bond I have with my mom. FI and I have really come together when it came to saving for the wedding, and working on projects together.

With that said, I am so ready for this wedding to just be here! We've had to deal with drama from his family, I'm starting to hate the fact that all of my extra income is going to the wedding and I'm just so over planning.

I think that there are really happy times during an engagement period, but there are also stressful times as well.

fallbride1109 · February 2011

Yeah, I agree that alot of stuff does come to the surface during wedding planning/engagement. I definitely had some stressful moments. But looking back, I would still say it was a pretty happy time overall. I loved planning, and all the anticipation and excitement associated with each step. Looking back I would have to say it was one of the happiest times of my life, although at some points during, it didn't feel that way.

bobbileighb · February 2011

I think that it is an exciting time but can be very stressful for most. When we were in Omaha planning it really was one of the happiest times, however once we moved here and started having budget and family drama not so happy. Matt and I are stronger than we have ever been because of all that we had to go through.

I think there is this stigma that it should be a happy time when really its more love-filled and exciting than necessarily happy.

DFWIndian · February 2011

I'm with you, Tiffany. I hoenstly don't think this is the happiest time at all. I feel more like I'm waiting on my life to begin now. Like I can't make the life decisions I need to because I'll be moving or we have all these wedding activites to plan around. For me the family drama has just gone from bad to worst. I know I've had a hard week so my judgement is a little clouded, but I want to be able to just live with FI now. I want to start the life I've been sitting here talking to our sponsor couple about having! I should stop before a rant starts.

NMac2010 · February 2011

Bobbileigh, I'll agree that DH and I are so much stronger ecause of everything we went through. We are lucky we experienced some rough things because it prepared us for marriage. Deepthi, I'm assuming you meant Natalie, not Tiffany

. Either that or I didn't see Tiffany's post! Hahah.

juliebug1997 · February 2011

Some true, some false. Bill and I had some very happy times leading up to our wedding but there were some stressful times too.

If we have such high expectations during the engagement part, it's no wonder that people get divorced. It's not always going to be the fun of engagement pictures or picking out a wedding dress. Sometimes a little bit of reality is a good thing.

meghanttu08 · February 2011

There are some times that are fun and exciting-dress shopping, looking at venues, taking pictures, waiting to see who will RSVP (well from what you guys say)...those are the highlights of being engaged. I know personally, I would say this is super stressful, due to work and finding jobs and all. I sometimes feel our way of communication is by texting. :-/ Besides all of that, I it, and I can't wait til August!!!!!

NMac2010 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:5fdef970-5d9c-48ce-9bc2-7c5fa2a005ec">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel more like I'm waiting on my life to begin now.
Posted by DFWIndian[/QUOTE]

Yes!!! This is EXACTLY how I felt!!! I feel like after we got married our life could finally settle down and "start". We could join our finances, move, buy a house, etc. Just be married and figure out where we wanted to go with our futures. I felt like everything was pending on this wedding day and I just wanted to get on with it because I was so excited about our future! I felt I was in a constant state of pause. I hated that. ETA: so glad I'm not the only one who felt that way.

DFWIndian · February 2011

Sorry Natalie! I did mean you not Tiffany!

danac2010 · February 2011

I thought parts of it were great but DH and I fought more during the engagement. I was also dealing with a lot of personal/family issues that someone should never have to deal with while planning a wedding. I know there were many times during the planning that I thought we should stop planning and just go elope so the stress and drama would just go away and we could be married and start our life together. I agree with Julie that if we think that is the "happiest time in our lives" it's no surprise people get divorced so quickly.

NMac2010 · February 2011

We had several personal family health issues and things going on durin gthe time too that probably jaded the experience for me as well. But, I think that's life, learning to deal with the things life throws at you especially when you think something is supposed to be a certain way and it's not. Amanda, don't get me wrong, I was over the moon excited to marry DH, I just wanted to do it like, yesterday. I didn't want to plan or wait.

Tiffany618 · February 2011

Hmm... I haven't read the other posts yet but here are my thoughts.

Getting/being engaged to your FI/DH... happiest time ever.

The act of actually planning the wedding .... definitely not the happiest time.

juliebug1997 · February 2011

We got married so quickly because I didn't want to wait.

And having just gone through this all within the second year in our marriage, is there ever a good time to have one member of the family or another in the hospital in every month of the year except April? Not so much. It doesn't matter if it's during your engagement or after you're married, it's still something to deal with and it's still something that can put a strain on your relationship.

NMac2010 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:9532341f-a51b-4b5c-9c81-c4fc1c8fb2df">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]We got married so quickly because I didn't want to wait. And having just gone through this all within the second year in our marriage, is there ever a good time to have one member of the family or another in the hospital in every month of the year except April? Not so much. It doesn't matter if it's during your engagement or after you're married, it's still something to deal with and it's still something that can put a strain on your relationship.
Posted by juliebug1997[/QUOTE]

Julie I agree there's never a good time. It's a horrible thing. But, right after you get engaged you want to start planning, you're on cloud 9. And to have something like a parent getting cancer happen kind of completely ruins the entire thing. You can't plan your wedding, you have to put it on the back burner, and you (well, I did at least) feel guilty for even wanting to talk about the wedding. That's not how anyone should feel after they get engaged. So, is there a "right" time? Of course not. But, would it have been more ideal after we were married so we could 100% focus on the sick parent? Yes. And I wouldn't have felt like I had to put my excitement aside. Which is hard.

danac2010 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:24b25e22-27ca-4c3d-8861-8c8ea0be0b41">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: True of False? : Julie I agree there's never a good time. It's a horrible thing. But, right after you get engaged you want to start planning, you're on cloud 9. And to have something like a parent getting cancer happen kind of completely ruins the entire thing. You can't plan your wedding, you have to put it on the back burner, and you (well, I did at least) feel guilty for even wanting to talk about the wedding. That's not how anyone should feel after they get engaged. So, is there a "right" time? Of course not. But, would it have been more ideal after we were married so we could 100% focus on the sick parent? Yes. And I wouldn't have felt like I had to put my excitement aside. Which is hard.
Posted by NMac2010[/QUOTE]

I felt really guilty because he passed away so close to the wedding and it wasn't like I could just stop planning for a few months to deal with it. I know he was excited about the wedding but the last 2 weeks before he died I didn't want to talk about the wedding, plan the wedding, or even think about the wedding because I knew he wouldn't be there. I felt guilty that I was having to go do final visits with the caterer and venue right after the funeral but it had to be done. I felt like my mom and myself never had a chance to deal with it until recently because we had so much going on at the time.

Like you said there is never a good time but add it to the pressures of will I have enough budget to cover everything, programs are already printed what do I do now, I need to tell the DJ what songs we want played for when, the final payments are due, my dress doesn't fit because I spent the last month mourning and eating whatever people brought over and I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

sparklingdiamond · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:66965189-8690-4d61-8e74-327340ac5c8d">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've really enjoyed being engaged. I've had so much fun working on DIY projects, and I think the planning process has been awesome for the bond I have with my mom. FI and I have really come together when it came to saving for the wedding, and working on projects together. With that said, I am so ready for this wedding to just be here! We've had to deal with drama from his family, I'm starting to hate the fact that all of my extra income is going to the wedding and I'm just so over planning. I think that there are really happy times during an engagement period, but there are also stressful times as well.
Posted by llc2011[/QUOTE]

THIS! I would love to have free money again! And I am so tired of planning!

juliebug1997 · February 2011

We can agree to disagree. Last year wouldn't have been any harder on me during our engagement. In fact, we probably would have scrapped the wedding and gone to JP. And, I don't mean to be harsh, but a wedding is not a requirement for getting married. Yes, we also chose to do it because that's what we wanted. But, at the end of the day, are the thousands of couples who go downtown every year and have a civil service any less married than us? Nope. Not one bit. I stick by my comment that there is no good time to go through any thing that any of us has gone through whether it was during the engagement, during the first two years of marriage or in the 39th year and 10th month of marriage.

danac2010 · February 2011

I wish scrapping the wedding would have been an option but the doctors kept telling us that he would be with us for the wedding and the day of my shower was the last day I spoke or saw my step dad "healthy" That was Sept 12th, wedding Oct 16. He died Sept 16 so a month before the wedding with most everything paid for wasn't much of an option to "scrap the wedding". We would have lost thousands of dollars and to be honest the wedding is what kinda held us together the month after. We needed that to help us all I think.

I guess we will agree to disagree. Again I'm not saying because you were already married you had less to deal with than I did I'm just saying that I was already stressed with wedding planning and when you are told by several doctors that he is getting better and then a month to the day before your wedding you have to deal with it, it is a little added stress no one needs.

juliebug1997 · February 2011

Yep, we'll just agree to disagree. At this point, I'm going to bow out of this because, well, I'm just going to be smart.

shortgirltx · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:7f5e5f27-6db3-462b-b033-ccfee275be0c">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: True of False? : THIS! I would love to have free money again! And I am so tired of planning! Posted by sparklingdiamond[/QUOTE]

You girls are funny!!! Having all of your extra money go to your wedding is just the start of it, you'll be way too far gone by the time the wedding day rolls around. It's like eating Pringles, once you start you just can't stop. Next it will be a house or a car or a kid or some big trip.

Tiffany618 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:f4676f45-c7a9-4c48-a457-83b62345149a">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: True of False? : You girls are funny!!! Having all of your extra money go to your wedding is just the start of it, you'll be way too far gone by the time the wedding day rolls around. It's like eating Pringles, once you start you just can't stop. Next it will be a house or a car or a kid or some big trip.
Posted by shortgirltx[/QUOTE]

Ditto. I haven't bought new clothes/shoes/accessories other than what is necessary in 2 years.

NMac2010 · February 2011

Julie, I was all about the JP. Trust me. I agree with you. DH refused to do that. It was a battle. I figured he would want the parent to see us get married no matter how we did it. He disagreed. So, I hear ya. DH wanted the wedding. Not me.

NMac2010 · February 2011

Ditto, Tiff. Good point. They are different.

bobbileighb · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:3bb5cd62-2823-49bc-9c94-53c89d48f500">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was happy to be engaged. I was happy to be planning the wedding. Then I was stressed to be planning the wedding. Then everyone else was stressing me out about planning the wedding. Then several things blew up (not between FI/DH and I, though) the week of the wedding. Then it was the wedding and I was happy again. I've been happy ever since then. The end.
Posted by serlace[/QUOTE]

What you said has been true so far for me and I can only assume it will be after we get married.

serlace · February 2011

I was happy to be engaged. I was happy to be planning the wedding. Then I was stressed to be planning the wedding. Then everyone else was stressing me out about planning the wedding. Then several things blew up (not between FI/DH and I, though) the week of the wedding. Then it was the wedding and I was happy again. I've been happy ever since then. The end.

Tiffany618 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:3bb5cd62-2823-49bc-9c94-53c89d48f500">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was happy to be engaged. I was happy to be planning the wedding. Then I was stressed to be planning the wedding. Then everyone else was stressing me out about planning the wedding. Then several things blew up (not between FI/DH and I, though) the week of the wedding. Then it was the wedding and I was happy again. I've been happy ever since then. The end.
Posted by serlace[/QUOTE]

Well said!

It's important that we separate "engagement" from "wedding planning". They are closely related but NOT the same thing.

MissAngel · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:2ff2fbf1-bdf2-4716-90dd-aa2e07e2ad3a">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: True of False? : Ditto. I haven't bought new clothes/shoes/accessories other than what is necessary in 2 years.
Posted by Tiffany618[/QUOTE]

I agree. Not only did all the extra money go to wedding planning, we also bought a house just after we got engaged. So it was a double whammy.

I also agree that being engaged is not equivalent to planning a wedding. I have 100+ days left and am already at my wits end with this planning stuff. At this point I would be super excited if FI would just agree to elope. This whole time, it definitely has not been a 'it's your wedding, do what you want" experience.

nickandmerritt · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_true-of-false?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:e4ac52d3-a0e7-4912-abea-7fceb1504ba5Post:c4b909ce-39d9-4283-aa97-f65a0af2cd59">Re: True of False?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: True of False? : Well said! It's important that we separate "engagement" from "wedding planning". They are closely related but NOT the same thing.
Posted by Tiffany618[/QUOTE]

That's a really good point.

MarieSD · February 2011

I think this notion must be a holdover to when the bride lived with her parents until marriage, was about age 18 when she married, and her parents took care of all the wedding planning and she just sat and dreamed about marrying her Prince Charming.

Maybe that's just me -- but for me, I've used our engagement time to make sure we're realistic and we know each other as well as we can before we're married. Including hashing out disagreements and living with each other (NOT that everyone has to, but it was right for us) and learning about each other's flaws and bad moods. Yes, it's been the happiest time of my life ... but there have still been some miserable moments in there. I was unemployed and we were in a major car accident and a family member was ill. The fact that we were engaged didn't magically make everything awesome.

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