Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version

I don't believe in addressing a woman by her husband's name (i.e. Mrs. John Doe).  How should I address the outer envelope:

1) Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe 
2) Mrs. Jane & Mr. John Doe
3) Mrs. & Mr. Jane & John Doe

Also for a family 
4) The Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe Family
5) Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe Family

Help Please
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Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version

  • It seems to me (and I am a feminist) that if a woman chooses to take her husband's last name, she's made the decision to be addressed in the more traditional fashion.  As a feminist, wouldn't you want to support another woman's choice? 
  • I am so with you on that.  I almost considered not taking FIs name, but then I figured if I have to either have his name or my father's, I might as well have FIs, since I like him better.

    I think I like #s 1 and 2 best, because #3 has too many ands.  Do you have any guests with hyphenated names?  I have quite a few, and I was thinking of doing Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe-Doe because it flows better.  

    Anyway, good luck!
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  • It's Mrs. Jane & Mr. John Doe. Keep his name attached to the surname.

    You're not actually supposed to use "and family" on the outer envelope, but if you want to, I'd follow the format of Mrs. Jane & Mr. John Doe & Family
  • ohwhynot- I agree with what you're saying, but I think there is a difference between Mrs. Jane Doe and Mrs. John Doe.  In one you're acknowledging that the woman is married, but recognizing her as an individual, and in the other, you are identifying her only as someone's wife.

    Sorry, I have been getting really heady about this because we've been discussing feminist legal theory in one of my classes for the last two weeks.
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  • Using the last name is her choice, but many married women prefer to have their first name still be recognized as different than her husband's. If the OP were saying "I'm going to use a married woman's maiden name because I don't believe in the patriarchal tradition of a woman becoming a man's property and being absorbed into his identity," I'd see that as unreasonable (the action not the belief) and imposing.

    But she's just saying she wants to list both first names, which I fully support.
  • ggmaeggmae member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:3f0b2ff4-4ec1-43f5-97c3-f3dd4d0ce710">Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]It seems to me (and I am a feminist) that if a woman chooses to take her husband's last name, she's made the decision to be addressed in the more traditional fashion.  As a feminist, wouldn't you want to support another woman's choice? 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

    Get out of my head! I was thinking the same thing, and then I read what you wrote. :)
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  • Am I the only person who doesn't notice one way or the other?

    I don't think I'd notice if someone addressed something

    Mrs. Nick  Diane or Mrs. Shelly Diane.

    I see Mrs. and automatically know its me.  There's no other Mrs. in the house.
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  • I would also not recommend using "and family" or "the ... family." For families with children invited, I would do:

    Mrs. Jane & Mr. John Doe
    Sarah and George Doe
    123 street
    city, state 12345
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  • Shelly I wouldn't notice either and really don't care.
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  • I thought I was the only one who thought this was important.I would use number one.
  • Agreed with PPs but is this something that people really notice?  I'm not saying it's a bad thing to do but I never notice how people address names beyond the notation of marital status and name.  I just scan the envelope, I don't actually read it to notice enough.  I just don't want you to fret too much about it, that's all. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:e7c1f712-d606-4385-b49c-fe3971ec2b40">Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shelly I wouldn't notice either and really don't care.
    Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]


    Cool.  Its not like I'm anti-feminist or anything.  I am glad I can vote.  I just couldn't give two poos about it.
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  • It actually does bother me.. Not in a "what a rude person to address it like that" sort of way, but more in a "wow, we still have a ways to go in changing gender equality in our culture" sort of way. My name is my name, and when I marry FI, I'll become as much a part of him as he becomes a part of me.

    I certainly don't think it's impolite or used with ill intent. But it bothers me that it's still considered acceptable for a woman to be absorbed into her husband's name upon marriage. Just one of those things.
  • I guess, then, I'd just advise to know your guests and whether they'd notice or be offended.  My mom, for example, wouldn't want to be called "Mrs. Betty hislastname" - to her, it was a joy and an honor to be known as "Mrs. James hislastname."  More traditional folks may find it strange and presumptuous.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:0e5d9a8f-88e5-4bd0-9a1c-72849792f33b">Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]It actually does bother me.. Not in a "what a rude person to address it like that" sort of way, but more in a "wow, we still have a ways to go in changing gender equality in our culture" sort of way. My name is my name, and when I marry FI, I'll become as much a part of him as he becomes a part of me. I certainly don't think it's impolite or used with ill intent. But it bothers me that it's still considered acceptable for a woman to be absorbed into her husband's name upon marriage. Just one of those things.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]


    To each his/her own I suppose :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:0e5d9a8f-88e5-4bd0-9a1c-72849792f33b">Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]It actually does bother me.. Not in a "what a rude person to address it like that" sort of way, but more in a "<strong>wow, we still have a ways to go in changing gender equality in our culture</strong>" sort of way. My name is my name, and when I marry FI, I'll become as much a part of him as he becomes a part of me. I certainly don't think it's impolite or used with ill intent. But it bothers me that it's still considered acceptable for a woman to be absorbed into her husband's name upon marriage. Just one of those things.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    I agree with you, I just don't think that how wedding invitations are addressed is the biggest manifestation of that problem and would rather save my anger for more important things. Like unequal pay for equal work. Or sexual harassment. Etc.
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  • I agree with Poli.  It wouldn't be as bad as a BBB registry insert ;-), but I would be a little put off.
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  • Personaly I really couldn't care less when it's address to the both of us.  I actually think it looks nice  on the envelope and does not take up as much room when it say Mr and Mrs John Doe.  But that is just me... I really do not analyze it too much.

      If it's address soley to me then yes I would give a side eye to it being address to Mrs John Doe.

    Oh I had some widows.  I wrote out them out as Mrs Jane Doe (like I prefer) and 3 of 4 came back on the RSVP as  Mrs John Doe... I guess some woman still prefer Mrs John Doe???






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • For me, it's just that a woman used to be nothing more than who she married.  Stating something as Mrs. John Doe, continues this tradition.  

     It's good to know that other people care about this. 

    Thanks for all your opinions.

  • Ditto ohwhynot, I know several people who would be more offended to NOT be called Mrs. John Smith.
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  • edited March 2010
    TLV: Honestly, though, these little things are all symbols of the larger things.  I'm not trying to start an argument about this at all.  I totally understand that your name on someone's wedding invite is not a huge thing, but it's little tweaks to people's mindsets that can really take us a long way toward equality.
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  • ggmaeggmae member
    First Comment
    I think I addressed my invites as "Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Doe." I don't think it's 100% correct, but I made sure to get every guest's name on there. It's just a personal preference though.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:3f0b2ff4-4ec1-43f5-97c3-f3dd4d0ce710">Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]It seems to me (and I am a feminist) that if a woman chooses to take her husband's last name, she's made the decision to be addressed in the more traditional fashion.  As a feminist, wouldn't you want to support another woman's choice? 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

    EXACTLY thank you. We all make choices in life. I'm as feminist as they come but seriously? Who gets bent out of shape over someone properly addressing a social invitation?
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  • I agree zrex, I just honestly don't care that much about it. I'm certainly not advocating that everyone SHOULD use Mrs. John Smith, that's not my place, I just don't personally care. I also agree that feminism is about choice, and if a woman prefers to be called Mrs. John Smith, for whatever reason, she shouldn't be made to feel inferior or like she's perpetuating a patriarchal tradition when she's just stating a personal choice. Not that anyone has said that, I'm just saying. I don't like when feminism can get so high and mighty that it leaves no room for personal preference. Again, that has not happened in this post, I just know it can in some situations.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:0e5d9a8f-88e5-4bd0-9a1c-72849792f33b">Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]It actually does bother me.. Not in a "what a rude person to address it like that" sort of way, but more in a "wow, we still have a ways to go in changing gender equality in our culture" sort of way. My name is my name, and when I marry FI, I'll become as much a part of him as he becomes a part of me. I certainly don't think it's impolite or used with ill intent. But it bothers me that it's still considered acceptable for a woman to be absorbed into her husband's name upon marriage. Just one of those things.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    It would actually sort of offend me if someone took the time to specifically call me out separately than my DH (once we're married and i take his name).  I'm traditional and so is my social circle, so I guess that's why it'd be unexpected.  but that's just my opinion, i don't really care if other people do that.  i guess  if i knew they  wanted to be called out separately, i would... but i definitely wouldn't do it to everyone. just my two cents.
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  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:b57db744-f0b2-4c84-896a-2ef12f5e81f5">Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't believe in addressing a woman by her husband's name (i.e. Mrs. John Doe).  How should I address the outer envelope: 1) Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe  2) Mrs. Jane & Mr. John Doe 3) Mrs. & Mr. Jane & John Doe Also for a family  4) The Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe Family 5) Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe Family Help Please
    Posted by anreynolds[/QUOTE]

    <div>Why not just Mr. and Mrs. Lastnamehere.</div>
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  • Mrs. is the designation that the person is the mistress/wife of the named person.  Since one can't be one's own wife it's technically incorrect to use Mrs. Herfirst Last, even if the woman is married.  So if you want to list the woman's first name, for a married couple it should be:

    Ms. HerFirst and Mr. HisFirst TheirLast

    Also, as a PP said, it's incorrect to separate the man's first and last name.

    Personally, I think that using Ms. seems silly, but it's technically the way to do it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-invite-addresses-feminist-version?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dfd9b011-062c-41e2-8a2b-d988eb0efd2cPost:e2b30dbb-4849-48ed-a7ff-17a4efdd57fc">Re: Wedding invite addresses - a feminist version</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mrs. is the designation that the person is the mistress/wife of the named person.  Since one can't be one's own wife it's technically incorrect to use Mrs. Herfirst Last, even if the woman is married.  So if you want to list the woman's first name, for a married couple it should be: Ms. HerFirst and Mr. HisFirst TheirLast Also, as a PP said, it's incorrect to separate the man's first and last name. Personally, I think that using Ms. seems silly, but it's technically the way to do it.
    Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]
    huh! Never knew that one.
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  • I think the opinions in this htread show that everyone is different. Perhaps imposing your beliefs on the invitation envelopes (if they mean that much to you) will pacify some and enrage others. (Again, those who care.) But to answer your question, these are the only correct ways:

    Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
    Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe
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  • Also before you let this rule your life just remember...

    As much as a feminist as you are, all the people who receive these envelopes are going to do is barely read the outside before they rip it open and throw it in the trash. 

    Don't make it any more complicated then it has to be.
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