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Am I being a brat?

Alright, I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as I can. My FI and I sat down to make a rough draft of our guest list the other day. 

My dad is pitching in and wants to invite all of his close friends, who I know very well, and their families. So be it. He wants to give me money, I'm not going to fight with him. 

Also, I come from a HUGE very close family. My paternal grandmother was one of five girls who all raised their children together, almost as siblings, and so I consider my dad's cousins my uncles and aunts and their children are like my first cousins. And that's just on ONE side of my family. On my mom's side, I am only inviting her silbings and their children (who are not actually children, but adults). 

Jason, on the other hand, comes from a TINY family. His mother was an only child and his dad had one brother who died in the 70's, and he has no cousins or aunts or uncles at all. He has one brother, who has two teenage daughters, and that's it. So I asked him to see if his mother had any other guests in mind. And boy, did she ever. She gave me a list of  all of her first and second cousins (whom Jason has no recollection of ever meeting in his life), Jason's dad's brother's widow (who lives 500 miles away, and who Jason has also never met), Jason's former babysitter (who he hasn't seen since he was, like, twelve) and a few of her friends. And she's insisting that nearly everyone on her list get a plus one. 

I feel like I can't say no, especially where the guest list weighs so heavily on my side and realistically, she's only asking for about 25 people. But 25 people is 25 more people that we have to pay for. And his parents are not able to financially contribute, due to their current situation, which is fine, but it's not like we have money either. I mean, we're 23 years old and he's still in school and I'm working two jobs just to be able to save up.

Jason does think that it's excessive, but he's also a bit defensive, cracking jokes about how I can't even let his tiny family come. But when I confront hi and ask if he really wants them to come, he laughs and says it doesn't matter. Am I nuts for thinking that this is a little unfair? Am I allowed to ask her to cut it down? Thanks in advance.
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Re: Am I being a brat?

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    Are you being a brat?  Yes.

    By your own admission, you have a HUGE family.  You asked your FMIL who she'd like to invite and she gave you 25 names.  25.  Compared to your HUGE side.

    If you had a specific number in mind for your FMIL's guests, you should have told her that.
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    It's 25 compared to your how many? Yes, I think you're being a huge brat. Do you REALLY want to cause drama over 25 people? Why not cut down your side by 25?

    You didn't give your FMIL a limit on how many she could invite. 

    How many are is coming from your side?
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    So if I am understanding correctly, you want to give your FI NO guests at your wedding for his family? Yes you are being a huge brat.
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    vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited April 2011
    You do have ultimate control over the guestlist since you are paying.  Just keep in mind that this is not only an important even for you and FI, it's an important even in FMIL's life.  She may want her family to be present for it.

    I do think 25 people that FI has never met is a bit excessive, so you're within your rights in asking her to cut it down (have FI talk to her about it, though).  But I think it would be a nice gesture if you let her invite the people that are important to her.

    Edit - How many people are you inviting from your family?
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    Being the one in our relationship with the wayyyy smaller family, I was VERY thankful when my FI went out of his way to make sure I had all the extra friends of mine and my parents friends invited because he felt guilty about the lopsided list. 

    Obviously numbers don't matter, and his side is still a lot larger than mine, and he didn't need to feel guilty because it's not a fault to have a large family, but it was still a nice gesture of him to hold back on some of his friends so I could have more freedom to choose on my side of the list.
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    Usually guests list should be spilt into thirds  (1/3 for the couple, 1/3 for groom's family, and 1/3 for bride's family). But if one side is paying they get more control; however common courtesy means that the non-paying party still gets to invite some guests. It  is horrible to not allow any guests for the groom's family because they are not paying. They have no requirement to pay. 
     
    I can't tell if you are being a brat, because you didn't give the total number of guests. But if the total number is over 100, then yes. You are being a brat by telling the groom's side they can't even have 1/4 of the guests (or worse).

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    edited April 2011
    Have you booked a venue yet? If so, the rough draft of a guest list should have been done before that so that you have a good idea of who is invited and therefore you know what you can afford.

    My FI also has a huge family. From his side alone (including family friends) we'll be inviting close to 100 people. And my side is only about 25-30 people. So yeah, I'd be pretty annoyed if he had a problem with that.

    I don't know that you're being "bratty" but I definitely think you need to take a step back and try tosee this from a perspective other than your own.
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    YES, you are.

    25 people? You're willing to cause drama and grudges over 25 people? Even if FI doesn't know them, his mom does and it is a big day for her too. You realize that when you marry someone, you marry into their entire family, right? Even though you are paying, the request is not unreasonable.

    If it was 25 people FI doesn't know ON TOP of 50 other people she wants, then I would say no, but c'mon, really?
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    Agree with PP's.

    Is it 25 people total or 25 people with +1's so it's actually 50 people? In the latter case, I would maybe agree to the 25 she wants and just not the +1's. If it's the former then really you should allow her 25 guests and make cuts elsewhere. If it was a small intimate wedding it'd be one thing, but you are going for a big wedding with tons of your family, so it's only fair to allow her to have who she wishes as well.
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    Yes you are being a brat.

    My H comes from a smaller family then your FI. He has no father, no contact with his mother, no aunts or uncles, 2 brothers, a cousin and 3 kids. There were 15 tables of 8 at our wedding. His guests took up 2. He included some of his former coworkers.
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    The sides of the list don't have to be equal, but let me give you some perspective.

    My FI has a HUGE family.  My family is much smaller and not very close.

    We're having around 100 people at the wedding.  about 20 of them are my friends and family.  A lot of my family we did invite declined because of distance.  It sucks.  I feel like everyone is going to know that hardly any of the people at the wedding "belong" to me and they're going to think there's something wrong with me or my family sucks (I realize that's completely irrational, but not the point). 

    If you guys can't afford it, then I think you should cut some of your people too, or fiure out another way to cut the budget.  You asked her if she had people.  You didn't give her a number.  You can't really say "just kidding" now.  He'll hardly have any family invited if you just go with close family, let them have their 25 people.

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    Yes, you are being a brat. I would have gladly paid to have more than 5 people on my H's side at our wedding, compared to my 70. He wants people there to support him too. 
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    My family is huge too, so that plus my few friends from HS take up mor than half the guest list. I feel bad because FI wont have many ppl on his side. We askeed his mom if she wanted to invite anyone and she gave us like 5 names, so we invited them and they all declined. So now he will have like 20 pp on his side and mine will probably be full. I'm trying to get some of my friends that have also become his to sit on his side so it isn't so empty.'

    I agree with nurse misty.  If it's going to add up to 50 people because everyone has a pus one, that might be a problem. Are they all married or have a SO? We gave an option for all my aunts and uncles to bring their spouses, but none of them are because they all have kids and someone has to stay home and take care of them. (tho we did give an option to bring kids) It's possible that some of your MIL's guests wont bring a plus one, especially of they are from OOT just bc it's so expensive to fly. But assuming they all did, would 50 more people be too much for your budget? If so, maybe  she doesnt have to give the "plus one" option to all her friends so it would be less?
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    Ok, wow. Maybe I am in the wrong, but there really is no need for all the bitchiness. I understand that there is another point of view other than my own, which is why I was asking for help. I never once said that he shouldn't have any people there to support him or that his parents should give us money, but I guess some people hear what they want to hear. I just don't think that where we've cut so many people that we both wanted to invite, friends that we both see all the time and have a relationship with, it would be fair to have his babysitter that he hasn't spoken to in ten years, plus one, in attendance. And again, I do not expect his parents to give us financial help, but I don't know where my FMIL thinks this money is supposed to come from, because she knows full well that we don't have a ton of it. And ok, you got me. I did not give her a number and therefore cannot add one now. I understand. You all win. I just can't believe how many RUDE people sit on these boards waiting to full-on attack people who are new to this and don't have anyone else to ask. Thanks a ton.
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    Oh and thank you to the few people who gave me advice, critical or otherwise, without making me feel like the worst person in the world :)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:b32213ac-fba9-4f19-b848-e17b4c933241">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, wow. Maybe I am in the wrong, but there really is no need for all the bitchiness. I understand that there is another point of view other than my own, which is why I was asking for help . I never once said that he shouldn't have any people there to support him or that his parents should give us money, but I guess some people hear what they want to hear. I just don't think that where we've cut so many people that we both wanted to invite, friends that we both see all the time and have a relationship with, it would be fair to have his babysitter that he hasn't spoken to in ten years, plus one, in attendance. And again, I do not expect his parents to give us financial help, but I don't know where my FMIL thinks this money is supposed to come from, because she knows full well that we don't have a ton of it. And ok, you got me. I did not give her a number and therefore cannot add one now. I understand. You all win. I just can't believe how many RUDE people sit on these boards waiting to full-on attack people who are new to this and don't have anyone else to ask. Thanks a ton.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I dont see the responses as all that rude. Thicker skin would help with that. They were mostly just giving you personal experiences and opinions.
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    I think there is some room for compromise.  There must be some middle ground from cutting all 25 guests and inviting all 25 guests.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    No one was rude. You asked if you were being a brat and we told you what we thought. 

    I suggest cutting some of your family list if allowing for his family is a hardship. I invitged 1st cousins on one side but not the other. Its doable. Just because your family is close doesn't mean you have to invite them all and their kids. Please just be nice to your FI and see things from his perspective. His parents are proud of him too and want to be able to include their friends. If HE doesn't want the people there, then HE can tell his mom that. It shouldn't be about numbers at that point, though. It should be about who he wants to be there. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:b32213ac-fba9-4f19-b848-e17b4c933241">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, wow. Maybe I am in the wrong, but there really is no need for all the bitchiness. I understand that there is another point of view other than my own, which is why I was asking for help . I never once said that he shouldn't have any people there to support him or that his parents should give us money, but I guess some people hear what they want to hear. I just don't think that where we've cut so many people that we both wanted to invite, friends that we both see all the time and have a relationship with, it would be fair to have his babysitter that he hasn't spoken to in ten years, plus one, in attendance. And again, I do not expect his parents to give us financial help, but I don't know where my FMIL thinks this money is supposed to come from, because she knows full well that we don't have a ton of it. And ok, you got me. I did not give her a number and therefore cannot add one now. I understand. You all win. I just can't believe how many RUDE people sit on these boards waiting to full-on attack people who are new to this and don't have anyone else to ask. Thanks a ton.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]
    i have failed to notice the rudeness.. and if they are to you maybe you shouldn't have asked AM I BEING A BRAT?
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    And to answer some questions, that some people have asked, it's a total list of 41, with the plus ones. I have cut back by not inviting all of my cousins who are under 18, which is a huge portion of them. And since we have a lot of mutual friends (we grew up together), those are really the only ones we're inviting. The total guest list still comes to almost 150. And we have yet to book a venue. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:11c38230-08b6-4f43-a25d-50dab7ff8e55">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]And to answer some questions, that some people have asked, it's a total list of 41, with the plus ones. I have  cut back by not inviting all of my cousins who are under 18, which is a huge portion of them. And since we have a lot of mutual friends (we grew up together), those are really the only ones we're inviting. The total guest list still comes to almost 150.<strong> And we have yet to book a venue. </strong>
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]
    Then go ahead and count his 41 in there and book a venue and caterer that fit within your budget. If you haven't booked them yet, then you aren't looking at a budget overrun yet. Now you know how many people you have to budget for so you can look for appropriate venues and caterers. 
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    Sorry about the outburst, I was just reading a bunch of other posts on these boards and it seems like no one is in this to help each other, just to be critical. Then I came back to this one where it seemed like most of the answers were "Yes you're a huge brat and you're totally wrong." I appreciate all the actual advice, whether people agree with me or not. But what's the point of just saying "Yeah you suck" and leaving it at that? 
    I don't have any friends that are married. I don't have older sisters or cousins to give me advice. When I need help I turn here, and it just gets frustrating when I'm confused and panicking about money and the fact that I don't know the first thing about weddings and people on these boards just drive that point home. I don't know. Again, sorry for freaking out, thank you for the advice.
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    I know I'm in the minority here, but no, I don't think you are completely being a brat.  Regardless of the number of people on the bride's side or the groom's side, or who is paying, I do think it's excessive to invite people you haven't seen in 10+ years who aren't family (sorry babysitter, but no).  I also wouldn't be cutting OUR friends to accomodate random people that neither of us have met.  I get where everyone is coming from that you would want people there to support your FI too, but if they are people he's never met or who he hasn't seen in a long time, they aren't really there to support him, they are just there as fillers because of the feeling that you 'need' to even things out.  However, depending on the size of your guest list, 25 additional people might not be the end of the world and is probably not worth the headache.  Perhaps you can compromise and invite the people your FMIL wants, but just inform here that you may not be able to extend everyone a +1.
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    If you don't want people to say "Yeah, you're being a brat" you probably hsouldn't ask if you're being a brat.

    You're always going to get answers you don't like.

    Look at my join date and my platinum badge.  I STILL get answers I don't like.  It happens.  You got a lot of helpful responses, don't focus on the few that you deemed rude.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:6494abe5-b4b5-4688-82d7-90ffda892e84">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I'm in the minority here, but no, I don't think you are completely being a brat.  Regardless of the number of people on the bride's side or the groom's side, or who is paying, I do think it's excessive to invite people you haven't seen in 10+ years who aren't family (sorry babysitter, but no).  I also wouldn't be cutting OUR friends to accomodate random people that neither of us have met.  I get where everyone is coming from that you would want people there to support your FI too, but if they are people he's never met or who he hasn't seen in a long time, they aren't really there to support him, they are just there as fillers because of the feeling that you 'need' to even things out.  However, depending on the size of your guest list, 25 additional people might not be the end of the world and is probably not worth the headache.  Perhaps you can compromise and invite the people your FMIL wants, but just inform here that you may not be able to extend everyone a +1.
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    I do agree with this, but the thing is, she ASKED FMIL if she had guests without putting any sort of limit on it.  It's kind of hard to say "tell me who you want to invite" and then go back and say "Ok, your list is stupid, so no."  I do agree with your compromise.  I don't think it's necessary to give those people plus ones unless they're in a relationship.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:d9b406fa-fabd-40c3-8e8e-31ef13343073">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry about the outburst, I was just reading a bunch of other posts on these boards and it seems like no one is in this to help each other, just to be critical. Then I came back to this one where it seemed like most of the answers were "Yes you're a huge brat and you're totally wrong." I appreciate all the actual advice, whether people agree with me or not. But what's the point of just saying "Yeah you suck" and leaving it at that?  I don't have any friends that are married. I don't have older sisters or cousins to give me advice. When I need help I turn here, and it just gets frustrating when I'm confused and panicking about money and the fact that I don't know the first thing about weddings and people on these boards just drive that point home. I don't know. Again, sorry for freaking out, thank you for the advice.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]

    Well. . when you ask "Am I being a Brat?" People are going to answer your question. You may or may not like the answer, but you asked the question.

    Now had you come on here and explained the situation and then say "What do you think?" or "Do you have any suggestions", then people would have merely given you advice. However, you asked the question, thus you got the answer.

    No one is trying to belittle or be mean to you. It's an open board and people will say what they think and feel. It's part of life. Plus, the ladies here will give you blunt and honest answers instead of sugar coating some bad idea like IRL friends might do.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:68ad0166-014c-44dc-8af3-a74a073b8eda">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I do agree with this, but the thing is, she ASKED FMIL if she had guests without putting any sort of limit on it.  It's kind of hard to say "tell me who you want to invite" and then go back and say "Ok, your list is stupid, so no."  I do agree with your compromise.  I don't think it's necessary to give those people plus ones unless they're in a relationship.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]


    I agree, that's really the only 'bratty' issue I see there.  I think OP and FMIL have to share the responsibility in the 'brattiness' of this issue though.  While it's bratty to ask FMIL for a list, and then come back and tell her no, it's just as bratty to be asked for a list and add a bunch of randoms who you haven't seen in over a decade for the sake of filling space.  Hence the compromise...
    Anniversary
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    Ok, again, I'm new to this and am inclined to make plenty more mistakes in the year and a half until the wedding. I now know that titling the post the way I did, not being clear about the situation or direct about what I was asking, and expecting everyone to be friendly were just a few of the many more that I will make. I do apologize for getting all dramatic about it. I'll get the hang of this eventually. But, anyway, it's over now and I'd love to move on and work out a compromise, with people's help, if they'd like to give it.

    Not that makes a whole bunch of difference, but when my FI talked to his mom, it was more of a casual, "Hey, who do you think we should invite?" conversation than anything. They talked about a few people and we added them to our list. The next day she submitted this list, complete with strangers and plus ones. She reasoned that she couldn't invite so and so without inviting his sister and so on. And I agree with Jemmini completely. A lot of these people are "fillers". She admitted that she even had to look up some of their names on her family tree. 
    It's not the number of people that bother me at all. If he has 75 people that he wants there, we would certainly find a way to accomodate. But when I asked him who these people were and he said "No idea" that's when I started to get concerned. I am a bit distraught, trying to cut out people who I see at every holiday, who's kids I babysit for, who's weddings I attended, so someone that neither I nor my fiance know can be invited.
    Where we never actually asked for a list, and she was aware that this was just a first draft, would it be ok to maybe tell her that our entire list was too big and it's back to the drawing board, and then set limits the next time around? Or is it too late for that? We haven't even officially announced our engagement yet so the only people that know are our parents and a few close friends. 
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    You REALLY need to see what your FI wants on this.  These are guests from his side, his input is important.  You said he gets defensive, which leads me to believe he's not being completely honest when he says he doesn't care.  Also, a lot depends on how this conversation happens.  It needs to be like this "So, honey, here is the list your mom sent us.  What do you think about it?"  and not "Wow, this is ridiculous, do you even KNOW these people?!"  (not saying that's how you handled it, but the way you wrote about it in your OP make it sound like it was more like the second way than the first)

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    Maybe just have your FI go over the list with her and have HIM tell her the people he doesn't think he should invite because he's not close to them. Don't let the sheer numbers get in the way of the discussion. 

    I think the issue is that your OP was about numbers, and how the numbers were lopsided, etc. The issue is really that your FI doesn't want to stand up to his mother and discuss it with her and is leaving it on you. Let him deal with his side. If he doesn't want to invite those people, then he needs to tell his mom that and they need to come to a compromise. 
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