I'm Just Confused...MOH "duties"

Wicked515 · March 2011

I'm a little confused at reading some of these posts on here. I see some people having MOH issues, like they aren't helping planning a bridal shower, or they don't seem interested or even want to help. But then I see people's response stating that they don't have to help.

I was always under the impression of that's why you ask someone to be your MOH, is so that they can help you and take some stress off of you. I'm confused cause I see sites like The Knot have MOH duties list. And past weddings I've been to, all of the MOH's have helped and planned the bachorlorette party and bridal shower. Everyone I know says that that's what they do. Maybe I'm old fashioned/maybe this is a modern thing. I was just curious that's all.

SSaltzman87 · March 2011

Basically- all you have to do to buy a dress, show up, and witness the signing of the marriage license.

Planning showers, bach parties-whatever is all optional. The MOH is not the bride's slave, contrary to popular belief. If the MOH honestly wants to help and offers her assistance as opposed to the bride forcing her to do things.

I personally don't want tons of other opinions and assistance in my wedding planning- my, my mom's, FI's, my dad's, and FI's parents' opinions are enough.

vicki0508 · March 2011

Wedding websites (including TK) are business trying to get you to pour more money into the wedding industry. If your MOH has duties, then she needs to buy a bunch of wedding planning garbage, too.

Seriously, if planning is so stressful that you and FI can't handle it, you're doing it wrong. I'm well into the planning process, and have done practically all of it myself and haven't found myself stressed about anything. Annoyed at times? Sure. But nothing has made me feel like I needed more people helping me plan a party.

Edit - SSalt, any way you can put fewer things in your sig? There's a lot going on and it literally takes up my entire computer screen. Countdown, row of badges, siggy challenge on top of another siggy challenge, then a planning bio, followed by a quote. Overkill, no?

RebeccaB88 · March 2011

Her responsibilities are:

1. Get the dress.
2. Show up (clean, sober, and smiling) at the appointed time and place.

If she wants to do anything more, she's welcome to, but she doesn't have to.

Wicked515 · March 2011

Ok! My mom was the one telling me she had to do it. She said, "Well who else is supposed to plan those parties?" I just had to ask!

AutumnFair · March 2011

MOH, is a title. Nothing more. It represents the closest friendship the Bride has with the person, male or female.

Ladies basically gave the summary of the true duties of being in the WP (be it MOH or BM). Most friends and family do like to help the Bride out and plan stuff, but there are some who are not interested in general weddings stuff, don't have finances to plan parties, too far away to help, or just regular busy adult life things. This is why you should never expect certain things from your MOH nor your BMs. Just because this a big thing for you, doesn't mean it's a huge thing for others. Plus engagements are so long and people (specially nowadays) can only be interested in things for a certain amount of time.

MOH usually do take charge of planning pre-wedding parties, and is usually the tie breaker if BMs are disagreeing on something party related. But as long as the Bride (and MOB/MOG in some circles) herself doesn't throw/plan her own party, anyone, even non-wedding party members can plan a party in honor of the Bride. I've been to plenty of showers where it was a family friend to throw the party.

So that pretty much sums up MOH and what the truth is when it comes to their duties. If the MOH, BMs, nor anyone else is able to throw a party for the Bride, she just doesn't get one. It sucks sometimes, but Brides should remember that the biggest party and best one of all is her wedding day.

graysquirrel · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-just-confusedmoh-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:65494e8f-33ba-499a-a71c-be16ddefa063Post:e0473ab4-b4cd-4d10-9877-b44c3fd5d05f">Re: I'm Just Confused...MOH "duties"</a>:
[QUOTE]The tradition of bridesmaids comes from the Middle Ages. The bride's friends would accompany her to church in order to confuse watching demons as to the bride's identity so that they couldn't curse her marriage. It evolved into a way to honor special friends of the bride - the ones she wouldn't dream of not having beside her as she takes this milestone step. A "maid of honor" was sometimes selected to show that this person was especially important to the bride. Weddings became a big industry in the 20th century. The industry wants brides and their wedding parties to spend, spend, spend. Those lists of duties are compiled by the industry with that in mind. Stop and think for a minute. Do people owe it to the bride to focus their time and attention on her just because she's a bride? Should a bride expect her friends to spend their money and time to host parties and buy presents for her? Think about that, and you'll have your answer. Showers and bachelorettes are GIFTS, *not* a right. No one is owed these things. The person who should be helping the bride plan the wedding is her fiance. As for "support" - that's another thing the industry wants you to believe that you need. In reality - a wedding is a party. A joyous occasion. People don't need "support" for that.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Bravo!

</div>

TeresaB2011 · March 2011

I personally think its a case by case thing, depending upon how old you are, where your from and family ties. An example is my sister who is my Matron of Honor. I have not ASKED her to do anything for me except stand by my side and be there, however, my sister would be the first one on here saying that it is her duty to do things for me and its also her honor to do it. All of the family and friends I have grown up around would have it no other way.

I think each of you already know what your family and friends feel. Many of you say its not a "duty" and that is fine for you. Yet others here myself included feel the opposite. I would never agree to be a MOH or BM in a wedding if I could not afford to do things for the bride.

I have done all my planning myself too. My wedding is planned and paid for by myself and FI. But knowing my sister, she has things up her sleeve.

AutumnFair · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-just-confusedmoh-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:65494e8f-33ba-499a-a71c-be16ddefa063Post:2e8566bc-ca1c-469b-9c38-269f850e80b9">Re: I'm Just Confused...MOH "duties"</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally think its a case by case thing, depending upon how old you are, where your from and family ties. An example is my sister who is my Matron of Honor. I have not ASKED her to do anything for me except stand by my side and be there, however, my sister would be the first one on here saying that it is her duty to do things for me and its also her honor to do it. All of the family and friends I have grown up around would have it no other way. I think each of you already know what your family and friends feel. Many of you say its not a "duty" and that is fine for you. Yet others here myself included feel the opposite. I would never agree to be a MOH or BM in a wedding if I could not afford to do things for the bride. I have done all my planning myself too. My wedding is planned and paid for by myself and FI. But knowing my sister, she has things up her sleeve.
Posted by TeresaB2011[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I still disagree. I have many family members that are planners, they love to plan things and parties (my aunts mainly). But my cousin is a busy college student and is always working. If she declined being apart of the wedding because she wouldn't think it is right that she couldn't dedicate herself to my wedding I would be so hurt and embarrassed to think that she has to put so much effort for a simple title just because it's a norm in my family. Same goes for my other cousin who just had a baby and is in the military, I would be hurt if she declined because she thought she HAD to do stuff because it's a norm.</div><div>
</div><div> Once again, Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaids are TITLES, all they are is to honor your closest friendships/relationship with friends and family for the wedding day, just one day that they need to focus on attending. I definitely love wedding things and have helped many friends and family. I've also been in financially tough spots where I can't contribute a lot for parties. But I know for a fact that my friends and family asked me to be MOH or BM because they wanted to honor our relationship, not help them plan their wedding or parties.

</div>

aerinpegadrak · March 2011

The more you ask of people, the less they're going to want to do, and vice versa. The bare minimum is to get the dress and show up. Most MsOH will do more because they want to help their friend have a beautiful and successful wedding, not because some list published by the wedding industry said they had to. But there are lots of reasons that a MOH isn't willing or able to go beyond that bare minimum, and that doesn't necessarily make them a bad friend.

TeresaB2011 · March 2011

It's okay to disagree. Each of us have diffent opinions and that is what makes The Knot boards interesting.

awick14 · March 2011

I know that the BM & MOH dont have any duties but mine have been asking if I need help everytime the wedding comes up. They have helped me with almost everything. I love it. We are very close friends and a few of them are married and that helps alot as they give a new look at different things.

I know this is not typical of most wedding parties. But I would have to say I love mine! My FI has helped with everything that I have asked his opinion on or whenever he is in town he helps me out. (He works mostly out of town at the moment.)

kimberlygo · April 2011

Just thought I'd throw my 2 cents in here, but if you read these posts, the majority of people who have issues with their bridal party members are those who expect certain things, and those who don't are the ones who usually don't. If there is no expectation, you will be pleased at what the person has to offer and won't be dissapointed when they don't.

Enami · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-just-confusedmoh-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:65494e8f-33ba-499a-a71c-be16ddefa063Post:80a3f809-7086-4210-b58f-7d22f79f2e08">Re: I'm Just Confused...MOH "duties"</a>:
[QUOTE]Edit - SSalt, any way you can put fewer things in your sig? There's a lot going on and it literally takes up my entire computer screen. Countdown, row of badges, siggy challenge on top of another siggy challenge, then a planning bio, followed by a quote. Overkill, no?
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

Want overkill? Go to the 1st tri boards on the Bump...

mcskatcat · April 2011

I'm always shocked when someone says "I thought the whole point of bridesmaids was to help the bride." When I was choosing my WP, I was honestly choosing the guests of honor at my wedding. They were my closest friends and family, and I felt they were special enough to me that I wanted to honor them.

And ditto Vicki (I think?) who said that if it's that much stress you're doing it all wrong. The six months leading up to my wedding, I was working 70 hour weeks and didn't ask for any help from my WP (since they're all over the country) and didn't have any help from my FI either. And I still think it was a breeze. I honestly believe your attitude sets the tone for your day, so if you treat everyone well and keep calm, things will go wonderfully.

I'm Just Confused...MOH "duties"

Re: I'm Just Confused...MOH &quot;duties&quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

I'm Just Confused...MOH &quot;duties&quot;

Re: I'm Just Confused...MOH &amp;quot;duties&amp;quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

I'm Just Confused...MOH "duties"

Re: I'm Just Confused...MOH "duties"