Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)

suze423 · September 2010

Some background - last year FI got a DWI, totaled his car, and didn't get another car. He just rode his bike, took the bus, or borrowed his mother's car. At the time, FI and FMIL lived in the same neighborhood. For the most part the only thing he needed a car for was to pick up his son from school. FMIL took him in the morning, FI would borrow her car to pick him up in the afternoon. FI doesn't have a job...he's on disability due to having lupus. Disability checks are barely enough to live off of so there's no way he could have bought a car himself. He went to court for the DWI in April and was told he couldn't drive a car without a blow device installed on it. No more borrowing FMIL's car. I was also not working at the time so I started picking up his son. Worked fine until I started working again and FI moved into my house, about 10 miles from FMIL. She got sick of picking up his son and taking him to my house so she went and bought FI a car.

Here's the part that irritates me - she has decided that the car is our wedding present. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I think wedding presents should have something to do with us and our marriage. It's FI's fault that he didn't have a car, had nothing to do with me, and is completely due to his own stupidity (was waaaay drunk, doing emergency brake turns, and hit a crosswalk pole about 1 minute from his house). Is it wrong for me to be mad about this?

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

It's probably more that the car is a big expense, and she can't afford a wedding present on top of that, so she combined them. One of our wedding presents from my mom was a home brewing kit, which is entirely a gift for DH, and I didn't mind at all. She's also frequently in the habit of making one gift cover multiple occasions, so she'll get us a bigger birthday present but then nothing for Christmas.

Bottom line, I think it's extremely petty and somewhat rude to be mad about any sort of gift. She's under no obligation to have bought either of you a damn thing.

jessshirey · September 2010

Yes your being selfish, I believe its wrong for you to be mad. I think that is an awesome gift. Absolutely it is a gift for the both of you, since helps both of you out. You said that is no way for him to to buy a car. So now he can pick up his, now your step-son which is your responsibility not hers.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:4cdfa46a-3f80-45c3-86f1-35fd2f79c569">Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Some background - last year FI got a DWI, totaled his car, and didn't get another car. He just rode his bike, took the bus, or borrowed his mother's car. At the time, FI and FMIL lived in the same neighborhood. For the most part the only thing he needed a car for was to pick up his son from school. FMIL took him in the morning, FI would borrow her car to pick him up in the afternoon. FI doesn't have a job...he's on disability due to having lupus. Disability checks are barely enough to live off of so there's no way he could have bought a car himself. He went to court for the DWI in April and was told he couldn't drive a car without a blow device installed on it. No more borrowing FMIL's car. I was also not working at the time so I started picking up his son. Worked fine until I started working again and FI moved into my house, about 10 miles from FMIL. She got sick of picking up his son and taking him to my house so she went and bought FI a car. Here's the part that irritates me - she has decided that the car is our wedding present. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I think wedding presents should have something to do with us and our marriage. It's FI's fault that he didn't have a car, had nothing to do with me, and is completely due to his own stupidity (was waaaay drunk, doing emergency brake turns, and hit a crosswalk pole about 1 minute from his house). Is it wrong for me to be mad about this?
Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]

tldh · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:4cdfa46a-3f80-45c3-86f1-35fd2f79c569">Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Some background - last year FI got a DWI, totaled his car, and didn't get another car. He just rode his bike, took the bus, or borrowed his mother's car. At the time, FI and FMIL lived in the same neighborhood. For the most part the only thing he needed a car for was to pick up his son from school. FMIL took him in the morning, FI would borrow her car to pick him up in the afternoon. FI doesn't have a job...he's on disability due to having lupus. Disability checks are barely enough to live off of so there's no way he could have bought a car himself. He went to court for the DWI in April and was told he couldn't drive a car without a blow device installed on it. No more borrowing FMIL's car. I was also not working at the time so I started picking up his son. Worked fine until I started working again and FI moved into my house, about 10 miles from FMIL. She got sick of picking up his son and taking him to my house so she went and bought FI a car. Here's the part that irritates me - she has decided that the car is our wedding present. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I think wedding presents should have something to do with us and our marriage. It's FI's fault that he didn't have a car, had nothing to do with me, and is completely due to his own stupidity (was waaaay drunk, doing emergency brake turns, and hit a crosswalk pole about 1 minute from his house). Is it wrong for me to be mad about this?
Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]

Wow. That's all I can say. There is a child who needs to be picked up from school. You can't do it because of work, your FMIL is getting tired of making the trip and your FI doesn't have a car. FMIL buys a car for an early wedding present and you're ticked???

This is a present for your marriage. Like it or not, you will have a stepchild whose needs (not to mention safety) have to be met.

Your FI's stupidity and your own stupidity will come up over and over again because nobody is perfect. You are going to have to be a team and that means compromising on what you really want for the good of your marriage - or in your case, the good of your family.

One more thing...I take it you know what a car costs right? A new car costs more than what we spent on our entire wedding and is a teeny tiny fraction of any gift we registered for. I think your FMIL was overly generous and you should be thanking her profusely.

eshaufle · September 2010

I think the DWI part bothers me more than the wedding present part. I don't know if this was a fluke misjudgment on his part or if drinking was always kind of a problem and this was just kind of the big blow-up of the problem. If it is a persistent problem though, I think he needs to get some help to protect himself and you. That kind of behavior puts himself and your future family at risk physically, emotionally and in the case if he were ever to injure someone it could possibly be financially too.

I hate giving advice that a post didn't ask for but it does legitimately concern me so I just wanted to point it out.

As far as the wedding present goes: a wedding gift can be something practical to start building your life together. Once you were married, wouldn't there be a possibility that he'd need to get a car anyways to help with his son or get to work or anything? This way, she's bearing the burden of the car payment so that you guys won't have to so it could be helpful to you guys in your first years of marriage. I'm not sure if her actions are completely unjustified.

melissamc2 · September 2010

Perhaps I'm not focusing well today, but you know what I keep thinking about this?

He can't work due to a "disability," can barely make ends meet financially, and has a young child to care for - but he can go out somewhere, drink to excess, and then endanger not only his own life, but the lives of everyone else on the street, and the biggest concern here is that YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR WEDDING GIFT?!

marissa_claire · September 2010

Agree with the PPs - this sort of does seem like a gift towards your marriage. Did you not ever have to give him a ride when he was without? Because in that case she took some stress of your shoulders as well. Similarly, this will become a joint asset when you get married, so you'll become part-owner of that car. A reliable car that works and gets him around will be a blessing in your life, so don't act like this isn't a gift to you.

I don't see how the bigger issue isn't that your FI got in an accident while drinking and driving. Seriously??? How is that not a big deal?

MairePoppy · September 2010

I'd be more concerned about whether fi has learned his lesson about drinking and driving, but:

A car is a very generous wedding gift. You should be thankful. Your fi can now pick up his son and do the household errands, without borrowing your car. So even though he will be the one driving it, the car will benefit both of you.

trix1223 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:4f892986-b859-4669-a099-dba7e59b69d3">Re: Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps I'm not focusing well today, but you know what I keep thinking about this? He can't work due to a "disability," can barely make ends meet financially, and has a young child to care for - but he can go out somewhere, drink to excess, and then endanger not only his own life, but the lives of everyone else on the street, and the biggest concern here is that YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR WEDDING GIFT?!
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

Absolutely agree with this.

AutumnFair · September 2010

melissa took the words right out of my mouth.

And unless I'm mistaken you would be able to drive this car too, so I'm really not seeing how this present is a disadvantage to you.

jerseydevil · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:4f892986-b859-4669-a099-dba7e59b69d3">Re: Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps I'm not focusing well today, but you know what I keep thinking about this? He can't work due to a "disability," can barely make ends meet financially, and has a young child to care for - but he can go out somewhere, drink to excess, and then endanger not only his own life, but the lives of everyone else on the street, and the biggest concern here is that YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR WEDDING GIFT?!
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

Couldn't agree more. BUT since that is what you are posting about, I'll answer that directly and say that if it was me, I would be most grateful for the generous and practical gift that will help your entire family out. And I would spend a lot more time and energy making sure your fiance has learned his lesson about drinking & driving AND make sure that he is really prepared for married life.

mkrupar · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:4f892986-b859-4669-a099-dba7e59b69d3">Re: Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps I'm not focusing well today, but you know what I keep thinking about this? He can't work due to a "disability," can barely make ends meet financially, and has a young child to care for - but he can go out somewhere, drink to excess, and then endanger not only his own life, but the lives of everyone else on the street, and the biggest concern here is that YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR WEDDING GIFT?!
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

Couldn't have said it better myself. I can't believe this is what you're focusing on! If I was given a car it wouldn't matter to me if that was my gift for the next ten birthdays. If anything, I wouldn't let FI behind the wheel of a car until he learned his lesson about drinking and driving. That's the bigger issue here.

tlbattaglia · September 2010

I would say yes, you're being selfish. And it's something that ultimately is for you, because it is for your FI and his son, which is going to be your family.

yurkovichwedding · September 2010

"Perhaps I'm not focusing well today, but you know what I keep thinking about this?
He can't work due to a "disability," can barely make ends meet financially, and has a young child to care for - but he can go out somewhere, drink to excess, and then endanger not only his own life, but the lives of everyone else on the street, and the biggest concern here is that YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR WEDDING GIFT?!"
To Melissamac2 who wrote the above: Amen, sister!

So, Suze423, the bottom line is that everyone who has replied on here agrees that you ARE, indeed, being selfish and rude. Hope that clears things up for you.

And I hope you read this thread and think twice before making a disrespectful comment to your FMIL.

suze423 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:4a3fdfa9-3065-48b7-b6dc-fce1ba260049">Re: Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see how the bigger issue isn't that your FI got in an accident while drinking and driving. Seriously??? How is that not a big deal?
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

Never said it wasn't a big deal.

[QUOTE]the biggest concern here is that YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR WEDDING GIFT?!
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

Not really. The alcohol problem is a concern, but not what my post was about. I included that info as an explation about why he had no car.
FMIL has gone back and forth on buying a car for the past 5 months. FI thinks her main reason for buying it was to have something to hold over his head and to have a way to make him dependent on her. She is making one year of payments. We had a couples shower 2 weeks ago and she told some of our guests the car was her gift. I heard it from one of those guests the next day. She has never said that to FI or me. That's what hit a nerve with me.

[QUOTE]And unless I'm mistaken you would be able to drive this car too, so I'm really not seeing how this present is a disadvantage to you. [/QUOTE]
I'm not supposed to drive it with the blow device on it.

[QUOTE]Similarly, this will become a joint asset when you get married, so you'll become part-owner of that car.[/QUOTE]

Nope. Car is in her name.

[QUOTE]One more thing...I take it you know what a car costs right? A new car costs more than what we spent on our entire wedding and is a teeny tiny fraction of any gift we registered for. I think your FMIL was overly generous and you should be thanking her profusely.[/QUOTE]
Well aware of that, having bought 2 for myself. I personally would never buy my 32 year old son a car, especially with it being car #14. This car is about a third of what my dad is spending on the wedding.

[QUOTE]And I hope you read this thread and think twice before making a disrespectful comment to your FMIL.[/QUOTE]
Never have, never will. Not worth it.

CaseyandSalley · September 2010

If I was in your shoes Id be totally thankful for her

and there is no law that says you cannot drive a car with a blower in it (that I know of) the purpose is to prevent drinking and driving.

however if he is caught driving without one there are penalties

marissa_claire · September 2010

God forbid we tell you something you don't want to hear. And have you considered that if he didn't have a car you'll be the one driving him all over once you're married? Still a gift to you.

trix1223 · September 2010

And you're marrying this guy....why? He's 32 years old, and he's on car #14? FOURTEEN?

I hope you're prepared for lilving with a perpetual 15 year old. Because I think that's what you're in for. Sorry.

vsgal · September 2010

Jeebus, he is on car 14 at age 32? You did the math, right? You know that that is another car every year assuming he got his license at 16. I know you don't want to hear this, but I would reconsider spending the rest of you life with this guy. Based on what you wrote, it appears there are a lot of dependency issues and irresponsibilty problems that will not just disappear when you get married.

I would be livid with him and his inability to make rational decisions. I would be concerned that his mother in enabling his behavior.

deepcovejackie · September 2010

My first thought was..."he sounds like a real winner". I purposely didn't respond to your post, thinking that it would be too negative. However, I echo the concerns of those above. Re-read Melissa's post, and then again, and then again.

You have more problems then just not liking your wedding gift. Please try and put your stepchild ahead of your issues with your FMIL.

ps--yes, FMIL sounds like an enabler. Where the heck did he get 14 cars from?

tldh · September 2010

First, we can only respond to what you tell us - and we are free to comment on anything you put in your post.

Second, what is it about this guy that makes you want to marry him?? A friend told me not long ago that love is great but it takes much more than this for a successful marriage.

quotequeen · September 2010

You are going to be married, right? Things that help your family are a gift to both of you.

mcornelissen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:63ace691-b556-4ceb-a693-6c4a22326ef2">Re: Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say yes, you're being selfish. And it's something that ultimately is for you, because it is for your FI and his son, which is going to be your family.
Posted by tlbattaglia[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry to say, but I agree with this. You are being selfish.

jeanna85 · September 2010

is this a joke? she's giving you a CAR. No one is ever obligated to give you a gift, and she's buying your husband a car. I can't believe in this economy someone would complain about that. Stop being selfish.

AutumnFair · September 2010

OP, just out of curiosity are you more upset at your FMIL because she is enabling her son's reckless behavior or are you really upset that you wouldn't use the car because you have your own? If its because she is enabling him, I think you have a lot more troubles to come because I doubt that this momma's boy will stop his reckless ways (obviously going through 14 cars) and I doubt even with a talk to his mom will she stop enabling him.

Your FI does not sound responsible and I don't know what your family thinks but if mine heard the situation of your FI I think they would be very concern for what I was getting myself into. This guy might be sweet and you have such strong feelings for him but I really think you should step back and think about his behavior and how it will effect you down the road. You sound like a smart gal but sometimes being blinded by love can obscure someone's common sense and this guy doesn't sound like he's going to carry the load of being married since he is unemployed, has a problem with driving responsibly and his mother enables all the negative choices he does.

So I really hope that this issue is more of a wake up call on who you are marrying then just being annoyed with his mother. Once again I hope you can pull yourself away and think about if this guy is really the one to spend the rest of your life with.

eshaufle · September 2010

Why on earth has he gone through 14 years in only 16 years of driving (MAX - assuming licensed at 16 years old)??? You're further explanation brought up even more red flags with this situation.

I totally agree with PP that the FMIL seems to be enabling whatever reckless behavior that is leading to him needing 14 cars in 16 years. Don't you want someone that is independent from his parents at the age of 32?? And someone who is accountable for their own actions and behaves responsbily?

Also, do you realize that the burden of his actions will fall to you once you're married? Do you want to be buying a new car every year for him (for whatever reason this is required) if he continues to engage in reckless behavior? Anytime someone needs that many cars, I can't believe it's not for reasons other than reckless ones.

He may be a wonderful FI and a nice person but that does not change the fact that he has so many red flags that would make marriage very difficult.

renegade gaucho · September 2010

Your fiance is a douche, and you're a moron for marrying him.

suze423 · September 2010

Good grief some of you people are nasty. Don't get me wrong... I was sick of being the chauffeur so I'm glad he's got the car. I never said anything to the contrary. I'm well aware that no one is obligated to give us gifts and I actually wasn't expecting one from her. My only point was that I didn't like how it suddenly became a wedding gift. The only time it has been referred to as a gift was at our shower 2 weeks ago when she said something like "well my was too big to wrap." and my gut reaction was that she was merely trying to one-up everyone else. She went back and forth about buying it since before we were engaged and her final deciding factor was that she would designate it a company car for her real estate business to get a tax write off which is why the car is in her name.

For those of you who think the 14 cars are all due to recklessness, they're not. Just the last one. Other than that they were just very old, very used with high mileage and died a natural death.

Aside from a few of you I do appreciate your comments.

renegade gaucho · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:d4b17c4f-9506-48d5-9bee-43dab0196a08">Re: Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Good grief some of you people are nasty.
Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]

You're quite a peach yourself.

mkrupar · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-fmils-wedding-present-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:97f47c03-0114-41b4-bf2d-b99a73c739c9Post:d4b17c4f-9506-48d5-9bee-43dab0196a08">Re: Need to vent - FMIL's "wedding present" (kinda long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Good grief some of you people are nasty. Don't get me wrong... I was sick of being the chauffeur so I'm glad he's got the car. I never said anything to the contrary. I'm well aware that no one is obligated to give us gifts and I actually wasn't expecting one from her. My only point was that I didn't like how it suddenly became a wedding gift. The only time it has been referred to as a gift was at our shower 2 weeks ago when she said something like "well my was too big to wrap." and my gut reaction was that she was merely trying to one-up everyone else. She went back and forth about buying it since before we were engaged and her final deciding factor was that she would designate it a company car for her real estate business to get a tax write off which is why the car is in her name. For those of you who think the 14 cars are all due to recklessness, they're not. Just the last one. Other than that they were just very old, very used with high mileage and died a natural death. Aside from a few of you I do appreciate your comments.
Posted by suze423[/QUOTE]

Let me get this straight. Your 32 year old fiance doesn't work, gets arrested for a DWI, has had 14 cars in his lifetime, you mom buys him a car, but keeps it in her name as a company car as a tax write off. Soooo, not only is your fiance a "fantastic" person, your FMIL is committing tax fraud. This family is just full of winners. I wonder what the IRS would think if they ever got a hold of this information. If she ever gets audited I hope she will have some sort of back-up to prove this is a business expense, because it's not, it's for her stupid son who has to blow before he can drive a car. What exactly is the reason you want to marry this guy?

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