Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion

katiewhompus · August 2010

Ok. First we are laying down some ground rules for this post because people tend to go crazy about religions.
1) No bashing each other's beliefs or saying they are stupid. I'm asking a question specific to a certain thing and don't want this to become and open forum for intolerance.

Really that was it. So onward!

As I mentioned Scott is Catholic, and I think once we have kids it will become more important for him to attend church and feel like we, and the children, are part of a community. He knows how I feel about God and the Church and respects my own beliefs.
Would it be considered disrespectful if I attended church but did not accept communion and had no interest in converting? I want to support my husband and my kids (if they decide that path is their way) but I don't want to step on toes or make people think I am being disrespectful. I also don't want Scott to have any stigma placed on him if I stay home and he goes to church by himself or with the kids.

Thoughts?

AllAboutTheBenjamin · August 2010

I don't think it would be disrespectful.

I think that if you guys want your children to attend church or have those values, you need to go to church and encourage their church education and whatnot - because children DO as they see their parents do.

I think it would be worse if Scott was taking them to church and you were staying home. At least if you're there, then your children can appreciate your presence and your support for their beliefs.

ohwhynot · August 2010

I don't think it's disrespectful to attend Mass, but you wouldn't just be skipping Communion - you'd be not saying the Apostle's Creed, The Lord's Prayer, not joining in the call/response, not singing the hymns, etc. Wouldn't that be a little awkward for you?

If your husband wants to take your children to church, I see nothing wrong with you simply staying home.

maratea · August 2010

I don't think it would be disrespectful. It would be disrespectful if he or his family guilted you into converting. I don't think that's right- you are respecting their beliefs, so they should do the same for you.

Two weekends ago, H and I were in NY visiting his grandma and we went to church with her (Lutheran church). I didn't take communion, just received a blessing, mostly because I didn't feel comfortable doing it. H told his grandma after service (stupid H) and she got kinda pissy about it. I'm sorry, I'm a member of another church, I just don't feel comfortable taking communion here.

betrothed123 · August 2010

I'm no longer religious, but I was raised in a deeply religious family, so I'm speaking from that point of view.

I wouldn't find it disrespectful for you to attend a church. As a believer I would most likely think you were considering joining the religion eventually, but even if you weren't there's a lot of good you can get out of attending religious services, so I wouldn't frown on your for going.

allisong23 · August 2010

I don't think it is disrespectful. My dad is Catholic and mom is Protestant, with no interest in converting. When we were kids, she would come with us to mass and just not get communion. She actually has probably attended more Catholic services than Protestant services. I think the Catholic Church would be happy that you were raising you kids in the church, even if you were not.

betrothed123 · August 2010

See I find it to be a bigger issue if only one of you attends service. My dad wasn't religious but my mom was and when we were young it was somewhat confusing to us. We thought my dad was going to hell because he didn't believe in god, and I honestly felt a bit of guilt that I was going to go to heaven without him.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

As long as you both agree on it, I don't think it's disrespectful. I don't think there is anything wrong with staying home either. However, I think some people may consider it odd or disrespectful (the hardcore church-goers, that is). My parents took a lot of crap for not attending church with my grandparents, mainly because they weren't bringing us kids. But what they think isn't important, what matters is how you and your H see it.

My father is an atheist, and when my brother decided to get baptized at 13 he didn't attend the ceremony. Some people thought it was wrong, but I think he did the right thing. He was letting my brother do what he wanted, but not going against his own beliefs by participating in a ceremony he didn't believe in.

stephl3055 · August 2010

I wouldn't be offended if you went to service with them. To me, if you stay home, it might send the signal that you don't support what your DH and kids are doing. Like I could imagine your kids asking why you weren't going, and then you would have to explain it to them. I assume that you are all for them going to church and being religious, but it's just not something that is right for you?

I went to church with DH for a few years before I converted. I would just stand/sit when everyone else did, and when he would go to receive communion I would just stay seated.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_catholic-people-others-want-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c674beda-367b-498c-8130-df1d33a633cePost:0c6d3163-8a3a-421e-b2f4-c96b4b26558b">Re: Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]See I find it to be a bigger issue if only one of you attends service. My dad wasn't religious but my mom was and when we were young it was somewhat confusing to us. We thought my dad was going to hell because he didn't believe in god, and I honestly felt a bit of guilt that I was going to go to heaven without him.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

Yep - this is precisely why I think you should go versus not going. Even if you're not fully participating in the communion or other aspects of the service, you're still THERE. If you're not there then your children are left to wonder about your fate or worry about you or whatever, or, it could confuse them as to why going to church is important in the first place. If daddy thinks one thing, and mommy thinks the other, who is right?

anna.oskar · August 2010

My father did this. My father is Jewish and my mother is Lutheran but every Sunday my father would put his "church-suit" on and come to with all of us. He never altered his beliefs but felt that family unity was the most important thing. As kids, we all knew dad was Jewish and thought he was a great sport for doing it. Of course, we did get Hanukkah and Christmas so perhaps we just thought it was cool we got extra holiday presents.

I think it's actually very respectful of a spouse's wishes and beliefs to put that aside for the religious well-being of others.

Cory and i had this talk and he decided to join our potential family at church even though he leans toward the agnostic.

katiewhompus · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_catholic-people-others-want-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c674beda-367b-498c-8130-df1d33a633cePost:591e1d2c-8ffb-48be-9f9e-f29196d8377c">Re: Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it's disrespectful to attend Mass, but you wouldn't just be skipping Communion - you'd be not saying the Apostle's Creed, The Lord's Prayer, not joining in the call/response, not singing the hymns, etc. Wouldn't that be a little awkward for you? If your husband wants to take your children to church, I see nothing wrong with you simply staying home.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Hmm I didn't think of it that way. I normally say the Lord's Prayer when we attend religious functions (like the wedding last weekend) because I grew up saying it (Christian private school for 7 years). I do believe God exists, just not that He is the deity for me, if that makes any sense. I've also found I gravitate towards the Blessed Mary statues when I go to a Catholic church (Z's baptism).

Blueyed228 · August 2010

I dont see a problem with it.

I am not Catholic (Greek Orthodox) and we have decided to raise any future kids Catholic. I will attend church with them but just not be able to receive communion. I can however participate in the prayers because they are a part of my religion as well.

I think its all about your approach.

DodgersBride · August 2010

I don't think it would be disrespectful. As far as I know you can only take communion if you have done your first holy communion. So taking it would be far worst then not taking it. As maratea said you could get blessed when communion is give out if you wish too.

FI is Catholic and attend Catholic school growing up and just recently stop attending mass about 3-4 years ago. I was baptize but have not did any of the other sacraments and do not attend church on a regular basis. Our wedding is a long time from now but the debate over a church is still up in the air for us.

*BeachBride0410* · August 2010

I don't think it is disrespectful at all...however, and I do not want to offend anyone, I am only speaking from experience. Some catholic churches I have experienced don't always take kindly to people attending church that are not Catholic. I went to church a couple times with my grandmother who was very Catholic...the church in so many words asked her not to bring me back if I was not going to go through communion and officially join their church.

As kids we went to an Episcopalian church because of my mothers Catholic up bringing, some things she did not believe with the Catholic religion & Episcopalian had the similarities she liked.

goheels05 · August 2010

Nothing really new to add here, just wanted to say I think that's really awesome that you guys have worked through this and that you are willing to do that.

My experience was similar to Betrothed. My dad refused to go to a church unless it was his denomination, so for the first 14 years of my life, my siblings and I went to church with my mom and everyone assumed she was divorced. Not like that matters, but then suddenly he decided he needed to put his foot down and "make sure we were raised right" and we had to leave the church that I loved so that he would go to church with us. So, don't do that.

betrothed123 · August 2010

I should have clarified my statement a bit. My dad does believe in god, but he wasn't sitting next to us in church, so as a child I had a very hard time reconciling him not attending church with him believing in god, even if he said he did.

katiewhompus · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_catholic-people-others-want-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c674beda-367b-498c-8130-df1d33a633cePost:e639a1cb-621f-4f60-bffa-baddfec4c7f4">Re: Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]My father did this. My father is Jewish and my mother is Lutheran but every Sunday my father would put his "church-suit" on and come to with all of us. He never altered his beliefs but felt that family unity was the most important thing. As kids, we all knew dad was Jewish and thought he was a great sport for doing it. Of course, we did get Hanukkah and Christmas so perhaps we just thought it was cool we got extra holiday presents. I think it's actually very respectful of a spouse's wishes and beliefs to put that aside for the religious well-being of others. Cory and i had this talk and he decided to join our potential family at church even though he leans toward the agnostic.
Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]

That's part of it too. Scott has been so wonderful with me creating a small altar, different wedding bits I put into the ceremony, etc. that I want to give him something too. I also think it's important for the kids to see that we're a unit and that it's ok to disagree on spiritual beliefs. We have fun Christmases because we really tie in the Catholic and Pagan traditions which so far has been great.

The last church he felt connected to was in Michigan, so we would be completely starting fresh which I think is a good thing in this situation. Would me not being Catholic/Christian be something to bring up while looking for one?

SarahPLiz · August 2010

I don't think it would be disrespectful. Actually I think it would be very respectful, as you are respecting his beliefs as valid and important to him by joining him there. We go to Mass with my mom and step-dad every time we go home for a holiday, out of respect for them. However, neither of us are particularly religious, and we are definitely not Catholic.

FI was raised Orthodox, and I told him that I was open to being married in the Orthodox church and raising our children there but I was not interested in converting. He was not interested in being married in a church, so it was a moot point. I would not, however, lie to a church about how I wanted to raise my children just to get married in that church. I am not saying you would do it, but I know people who have done that and I think it is the height of disrespect.

catemeg · August 2010

My father comes from a heavily Catholic family, and my Mom's is all over the place (but she grew up in the Episcopalian church). I was baptized Catholic but raised Episcopalian. The reason for this is that many of the beliefs and traditions of the Episcopoal and Catholic churches are the same, but the Episcopalian religion is more open (no restrictions on who can take communion, etc.) My father found that it satisfied his religious beliefs, but allowed my mother to participate.

If your husband would be open to compromise, perhaps he would consider the Episcopal church.

I attended Catholic services once in awhile, and sometimes people are pretty easy going about who attends, but there's definitely this "You're either Catholic or you're not" mentality. Once, I got up to let my cousin pass so she could go take communion, and my aunt shoved me back in my seat and said, "You can't have communion! You're not Catholic!" I was really pissed at my aunt for a long time.

Celles · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_catholic-people-others-want-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c674beda-367b-498c-8130-df1d33a633cePost:0c6d3163-8a3a-421e-b2f4-c96b4b26558b">Re: Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]See I find it to be a bigger issue if only one of you attends service. My dad wasn't religious but my mom was and when we were young it was somewhat confusing to us. We thought my dad was going to hell because he didn't believe in god, and I honestly felt a bit of guilt that I was going to go to heaven without him.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

That makes me so sad. :(

And more determined than ever to keep my hypothetical future spawn out of church until they're old enough to come to their own conclusions about Life, the Universe and Everything.

KatyRoseM · August 2010

I wouldn't go. I don't think its disrespectful but I do think its worthwhile to have your children know your beliefs too. It gives them more of a chance to choose, which is what you said you wanted. Just sitting quietly through mass won't tell them you have different beliefs, and you have a right and responsibility to share them with your children.

Ok, I know that wasn't totally on topic, just my two cents. My dad is Jewish and my mom is Methodist, neither went to services with others (aside from weddings and the Passover dinners). We knew what each thought and were encouraged to find what we thought. Its not disrespectful to go, it just might deprive you of a chance to talk with your children about something important to you.

katiewhompus · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_catholic-people-others-want-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c674beda-367b-498c-8130-df1d33a633cePost:9a8aef77-7e25-4bef-af29-b398e89d3e97">Re: Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it would be disrespectful. Actually I think it would be very respectful, as you are respecting his beliefs as valid and important to him by joining him there. We go to Mass with my mom and step-dad every time we go home for a holiday, out of respect for them. However, neither of us are particularly religious, and we are definitely not Catholic. FI was raised Orthodox, and I told him that I was open to being married in the Orthodox church and raising our children there but I was not interested in converting. He was not interested in being married in a church, so it was a moot point. I would not, however, lie to a church about how I wanted to raise my children just to get married in that church. I am not saying you would do it, but I know people who have done that and I think it is the height of disrespect.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. I just want to raise my children open to all of the options, and let them make their decisions based on the heart. My stance on religion is that I am always open to learning and want my children to be the same way.

JaciAngel9 · August 2010

As everybody else has posted - I wouldn not find it disrespectful. I am a practicing Catholic, again, after not practicing for many, many years. FI and I met with Father to discuss wedding options and my FI decided he wanted to become a member of the Catholic church (his mom was Catholic also) That was his choice and we have been going through preparations since so we can get married with a full Mass. Anyways, what I was getting at was - I find it more disrespectful when non-practicing Catholics recieve Communion. FI and I did not take Communion for a long time because he wasn't at the point to yet and I had not been to reconciliation in years. We would always either get a seat that nobody needed to get past us or we would step out of the pew, let the others into the line, and step back in.

I do not think, while looking for a church, that you need to bring up you not being Catholic/Christian. That is something for you to bring up once you have decided upon a church. Where I live, there are only 2 Catholic churches out of 6 that I will attend - so make sure you guys feel good about the one you go to weekly or else you won't want to go.

Have you guys talked about Baptizing your children, etc? I figured out if you're going to raise them in the Catholic church that you guys have talked about it - I just wanted to make sure.

mrscarter052011 · August 2010

Ditto the PP's. I think the fact that you have discussed this is great.

FI and I had a similar discussion after a friend's mother's funeral a month ago. It was a full mass and I went to receive communion (bc I am Catholic) he is not, nor does he share those beliefs so he stayed in the pew. Not an issue for me but another friend said to him "Just suck it up and go up" which is something I find much more disrespectful.

betrothed123 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_catholic-people-others-want-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c674beda-367b-498c-8130-df1d33a633cePost:337ec276-2051-4f4d-942a-8a5bcc3c86e5">Re: Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]I attended Catholic services once in awhile, and sometimes people are pretty easy going about who attends, but there's definitely this "You're either Catholic or you're not" mentality. Once, I got up to let my cousin pass so she could go take communion, and my aunt shoved me back in my seat and said, "You can't have communion! You're not Catholic!" I was really pissed at my aunt for a long time.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]
This would have to depend on the particular parish you decide to go for, though. Examples from both ends of the spectrum:

I was not catholic. When I was in high school I attended a Catholic church a few times and all the parishioners were very excited to have someone new, and very interested to meet and learn about me.

My grandfather died last year and had stopped attending church because of how completely the cancer was consuming him. He was having a hard time moving, let alone going to church. Because he couldn't attend the priest actually turned away my grandmother when she attempted to attend services. He told her she was not welcome until she brought her husband and children back into the fold.

When my grandfather died my grandmother called their church to arrange the services and the priest refused because he wasn't attending regularly when he died. My grandmother called a different church and the priest was falling over himself to help her in any way he could.

Just like anything else there are people who want to be exclusive and people who are open and welcoming.

andyandhillary · August 2010

I think you have a great attitude! I wouldn't be offended at all.

katiewhompus · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_catholic-people-others-want-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c674beda-367b-498c-8130-df1d33a633cePost:06aba25a-e17b-42db-94c2-bb67fd8e5bff">Re: Catholic people (and others), I want your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't go. I don't think its disrespectful but I do think its worthwhile to have your children know your beliefs too. It gives them more of a chance to choose, which is what you said you wanted. Just sitting quietly through mass won't tell them you have different beliefs, and you have a right and responsibility to share them with your children. Ok, I know that wasn't totally on topic, just my two cents. My dad is Jewish and my mom is Methodist, neither went to services with others (aside from weddings and the Passover dinners). We knew what each thought and were encouraged to find what we thought. Its not disrespectful to go, it just might deprive you of a chance to talk with your children about something important to you.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

I view attending the church as a way to make our beliefs get equal time. Most of my beliefs are very subtley woven into my daily life, so the kids will be exposed to them much more than they would Dh's beliefs. In a cynical view this will also let me know what they are being told at the church, so we can discuss it at home.

Baptism came up early in the relationship. Z was baptised after we had been dating for about 5 months and I was actually really surprised I was invited to it. I quietly asked sil if she was sure she wanted me there, as I was not Catholic, and she assured me that she wanted me there. As we were leaving Scott said "So how do you feel about baptizing our kids?" (again, 5 months in, no talk of marriage yet) and we discussed it.

betrothed123 · August 2010

Attending mass does not equate to pretending you don't have your own beliefs. OP can simultaneously attend mass to show her children that she supports her husband's beliefs and teach her children her own beliefs while her husband does what he needs to do to show the children he also supports her in her beliefs.

MarriedInAFever · August 2010

Personally, I feel uncomfortable in Catholic services because I don't participate.

Have you ever tried an inter-denominational church? I've attended one my entire life and it's a good options for blended families. Catholics often attend and do Catholic rituals. Everyone is welcome to take communion, etc, etc. You might want to visit other churches and see if there's a better fit for you.

shaydenise · August 2010

Your scenario is how I grew up. My dad is Catholic and my mom is Baptist. We switch off churches each Sunday (one Sunday it was Catholic the next it was Baptist and so on). My mom, brother and I never took communion in the Catholic church but my dad did. My parents wanted my brother and I to be able to decide what denomination (and religion, really) we felt was for us. I don't really consider myself any denomination (just a christian

) but my FI and I go to a Methodist church now. So long story short - no I don't think it's wrong to attend and support your family while having no intention of converting. While I know a lot of people have issues with the Catholic church my opinion is that a Christian church is a Christian church and all are welcome...

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