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Wedding shower questions

kpkeaneykpkeaney member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Maybe this has been asked already and I missed it but anyway,

Do the people you invite to a shower have to be invited to the wedding? Also, if we opted for a co-ed pool party instead of a girls only shower, would that be too much like having the reception before the wedding?  And lastly, I'm in my 40's but getting married for the first time.... I'd love a shower or party but what could anyone possibly gift to me/us that we dont already have?
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Re: Wedding shower questions

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    DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    First of all, you don't host your own shower, so you'll only have one if someone offers.  If they offer, you'll probably want to have a registery to help them with ideas.  You can always upgrade on the things you already have - new dishes, better sheets, etc.

    And yes, everyone invited to any pre-wedding party (shower, engagement party, bachelor/ette party) must be invited to the wedding.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-shower-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc28b586-7ce8-40aa-85dd-3bbf3377a17dPost:b4b5e61b-226a-4cf2-bdc4-6c8145300d92">Wedding shower questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe this has been asked already and I missed it but anyway, Do the people you invite to a shower have to be invited to the wedding? Also, if we opted for a co-ed pool party instead of a girls only shower, would that be too much like having the reception before the wedding?  And lastly, I'm in my 40's but getting married for the first time.... I'd love a shower or party but what could anyone possibly gift to me/us that we dont already have?
    Posted by kpkeaney[/QUOTE]


    A coed shower is fine as long as you're not hosting.  You can't host a gift giving affair for yourself.  A showeer for just the ladies is great too.  You really may hav as many showers as people wish to throw for you.
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    kpkeaneykpkeaney member
    First Comment
    edited May 2011
    I wasn't planning on hosting or throwing my own shower. I know that my mother has something in the works and my sister has inquired about people to invite.

    We're not registered nor will we be. We have pretty much all that we need. If anyone specifically asks, is it okay to suggest gift cards to restaurants or fun things we wouldn't ordinarily do on our own?
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-shower-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc28b586-7ce8-40aa-85dd-3bbf3377a17dPost:5394f419-c3bd-434a-8434-0caae8fd9c9d">Re: Wedding shower questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wasn't planning on hosting or throwing my own shower. I know that my mother has something in the works and my sister has inquired about people to invite.
    Posted by kpkeaney[/QUOTE]

    Good.  The OP was written to sound as though you were.  Sorry
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    SrasotasunshineSrasotasunshine member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-shower-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc28b586-7ce8-40aa-85dd-3bbf3377a17dPost:5394f419-c3bd-434a-8434-0caae8fd9c9d">Re: Wedding shower questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wasn't planning on hosting or throwing my own shower. I know that my mother has something in the works and my sister has inquired about people to invite.
    Posted by kpkeaney[/QUOTE]


    I know times are changing but it also does not look good if a bride's mother hosts the shower. It comes off as gift grabby to some. If she has something in the works perhaps she could "help" the person that is actually "throwing' it.

    My mother paid for most of the shower (the only bridesmaid that had any inkling to do any sort of shower for me did not get any help from the other girls as promised so my mum paid for it but my BM hosted it).

    I think you are getting more advice than you expected with this one:)
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    SirJuliusVonHaastSirJuliusVonHaast
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    I would try to make at least a small registry. A lot of people register for unconventional things these days. For example, camping/outdoors equipment, fire proof safe, etc. or just upgrades like new high thread count sheets, special picture frames for your wedding photos.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-shower-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc28b586-7ce8-40aa-85dd-3bbf3377a17dPost:22adc4e8-2421-4f27-92a0-ef45329ab6a5">Re: Wedding shower questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding shower questions : I know times are changing but it also does not look good if a bride's mother hosts the shower. It comes off as gift grabby to some. If she has something in the works perhaps she could "help" the person that is actually "throwing' it. My mother paid for most of the shower (the only bridesmaid that had any inkling to do any sort of shower for me did not get any help from the other girls as promised so my mum paid for it but my BM hosted it). I think you are getting more advice than you expected with this one:)
    Posted by Srasotasunshine[/QUOTE]


    I think the negative thought about the MOB giving a bridall shower is changing, or so I've been told.

    I didn't give a bridal shower for my daughter and she was pissed until I told her that I was helping back the coed shower the bridal party gave for them.

    She had 5 freakin showers, she wasn't ignored by me or anyone!

    Brat
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    kpkeaneykpkeaney member
    First Comment

    I'm not having any bridal party so it will have probably fallen to my Mom anyway :)

    I was just reading some of the "Registery & Gifts" posts. I guess I will make a small registry....now to decide where to register...

    Thanks for the replies!

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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
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    YW

    be sure to come back!
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    >>I wasn't planning on hosting or throwing my own shower.

    Right.

    >>I know that my mother has something in the works and my sister has inquired about people to invite.

    Wrong - it's totally gift-grabby for family members to host or participate in hosting a shower.  If you have no WP (we didn't either), then maybe a friend will offer to host.

    >>is it okay to suggest gift cards to restaurants or fun things we wouldn't ordinarily do on our own?

    No.  Gifts for people getting married are supposed to be physical gifts.  See below:

    Shower gifts and wedding gifts are supposed to be wonderful and heartfelt and long-lasting, mirroring the giver's fervent hope that the couple's marriage be wonderful and heartfelt and long-lasting.

    By inviting these people to your wedding, you've asked your friends and family to be witnesses to your wedding ceremony, and as witnesses, those people are mentors for your marriage. Their gifts represent their acceptance of your request for their mentorship, and their gifts represent their presence in your lives and hearts forever.

    When you see/use these gifts, you are reminded that you have a circle of people around you as a couple, people who you can call on, people who have pledged their support of you two as a couple.

    The following ideas do not match with what a wedding gift is supposed to represent, and in fact, just demand that people give you money instead of a wedding gift:  a downpayment registry, a honeymoon registry, a “donation” to your fav charity, a money dance, a money tree, a greenback wedding or shower (where the guests bring cash), a plastic wedding or shower (where the guests bring gift cards), or an outright request for cash.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
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    oh geez

    I'm outie
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    BeazillaBeazilla member
    First Comment
    It's ok for your mother to host the shower. Times have changed and today it looks less gift-grabby for a mother to host a shower for her daughter, especially one that has long moved out.

    Co-ed showers are fine and can be a lot of fun. It'll be different from the reception. For gifts, you can upgrade things that you have like getting nicer cookware or linens, or do register for something different like sporting goods or power tools.
    image
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    mrsjustinm2bmrsjustinm2b
    First Comment
    it is fine to spread the word that you prefer gift cards etc by word of mouth, just nothing on the invites to any pre wedding parties about it. The reality is that not everyone needs "stuff" and personally I like to give gift cards since they are easier to pack around with me and are sure to be used.
    My sister the MOH is throwing my shower with my mom's help. Guess that makes me gift grabby.
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    nikkir4nikkir4
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    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding shower questions : I know times are changing but it also does not look good if a bride's mother hosts the shower. It comes off as gift grabby to some. If she has something in the works perhaps she could "help" the person that is actually "throwing' it. My mother paid for most of the shower (the only bridesmaid that had any inkling to do any sort of shower for me did not get any help from the other girls as promised so my mum paid for it but my BM hosted it). I think you are getting more advice than you expected with this one:)
    Posted by Srasotasunshine[/QUOTE]


    my MOH is throwing my shower, but many of the wedding showers I've been have been thrown by the bride's mother. IMO, if your mother helped pay for it & plan, then she is a host as well, whether it's unsaid or not.
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    NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    It's more than okay to not register for the wedding. Many people give cash gifts for the wedding anyway and most will get the hint and do so if you don't register.  But the entire point of a shower is to give the bride boxed gifts.  If you don't want or need any traditional stuff, I'd just decline to have a shower.  It would be way awkward to sit around watching the bride open envelopes with cash/gift cards, KWIM?  
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    amys325amys325 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    To the OP, have you heard of the Foodie Registry? I know it's new and expanding, but it's an actual wedding registry where you can register for restaurant gift cards.
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    mica178mica178 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-shower-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc28b586-7ce8-40aa-85dd-3bbf3377a17dPost:44760222-b8a5-4b7f-a3b7-7a115208f7f8">Re: Wedding shower questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]To the OP, have you heard of the Foodie Registry? I know it's new and expanding, but it's an actual wedding registry where you can register for restaurant gift cards.
    Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

    <div>You really shouldn't register for gift cards.  Among other reasons, when opening gifts at the shower, everyone will know exactly how much money the other guests spent.  Showers are for boxed gifts to get the bride's new home life started.  If she doesn't need boxed gifts, she shouldn't have a shower.</div>
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