we cant discuss wedding details help!

sewdrs · November 2012

hi, i have been engaged for a few weeks now . after he first purposed i know i overwhelmed him with wedding things. so i let things cooled off and apologized for it he said that it was fine and he understood but in those weeks i was bringing up ideas he did not like a single one of them and it seems like he is fighting tooth and nail over it all. even when we was just discussing budget he brought up paying for all the tuxes and dresses and i was like well i'm not sure that we could afford them and he was like well we just won't have them then. I really don't know what to do we can't even get past the budget without it becoming an argument. and then he acts like since he purposed that it's done and over with. i'm really not sure what to do to get him on the same page when all he wants to do is nit-pick i've already compermised a lot of things but i'm not going to have some hill billy show down i want him to be involved but i'd still like to have the wedding of my dreams without having to give in to all his tacky needs just because he doesn't want a very big wedding.

HELP!

Ajuliana · November 2012

Men need things simplified for them when it comes to weddings, since most don't care about choosing from an endless list of possibilities. Ask him which things he cares about--for my FI, he cares about food, having an elegant atmosphere, and not having too much pink in the decor.

If he says he really cares about the flowers, you can find three pictures of floral arrangments you like, and let him pick which one he DOESN'T like. Follow this procedure with everything he wants to have input into. That way he can be involved, but not totally overwhelmed.

**For my own wedding, I'm very interested to hear from other brides how they met in the middle with their grooms!**

handheld · November 2012

After the proposal I waited a few weeks before begining wedding planning, We decided not to do anything until after the holidays (We were engaged in October) I just did my own online homework during this time by the time it was time to discuss budget etc I had alot of idea I asked him what was important ot him and told him what was important to me those are the things we focused on togther everything else I took the reigns on and he was fine with that. Compromise and commuication are key! hope that helps wedding can be so stressful best of luck!

FloridaMichelle · November 2012

I agree with the poster that suggested asking him what he cares most about. My fiance cares most about a candy table... so he is getting his candy table. Maybe if you give him small tasks to do that involve wedding things he'll be more receptive?

hoffse · November 2012

Yeah if this isn't until March 2014 you don't need to be bugging him about it yet. I think it's always a good idea to crunch numbers early and just see what you will likely be able to afford (low ball it, don't high ball it), but you don't need to be fighting about it yet.

I think the other thing you need to accept right now is that unless your budget is truly unlimited, it's unlikely you are going to have the fairytale wedding. There WILL be compromises and you probably WILL be less that 100% thrilled about a couple of aspects you will need to settle on. Get used to it now because once you get that in your head as a reality compromise becomes that much easier.

Finally, recognize that this is his wedding too and he absolutely gets a vote. Don't steamroll over all of his preferences just because they don't match yours.

KDM323 · November 2012

First and foremost, don't attack your fiancee's ideas. It is not a good way to start off with a life together. And don't think that this is just your wedding and that a man isn't capable of making decisions regarding a wedding.

It sounds like the two of you both need to discuss what your budget is. Will you be paying for everything yourselves? Your budget is going to dictate where you can have your reception, how many people you can invite, even what kind of attire you will both wear.

Decide on a budget - and then discuss what is most important to you and what is most important to him.

Enjoy this!

misssunshine17 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-cant-discuss-wedding-details-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e21ca4-34c7-44f1-a66c-9834f5438742Post:179939b4-4599-44f1-b5f4-44d8b4daae20">Re: we cant discuss wedding details help!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If your wedding is actually in March 2014, I think you can wait until (early) next year to start talking wedding. I would just enjoy being engaged for a little while longer. (Maybe that's why he's annoyed?)</strong>
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>This. FI and I will be engaged for almost 3 years before we get married and if I would have bogged him down with too much wedding stuff during those first two years, he would have shut down completely. I think the first step is deciding what is truely important to both of you-- for me, it's photography, for FI it's food and alcohol, so things like center pieces and favors aren't important so they're not getting as much attenion/money. </div>

dtbluv · November 2012

All the PPs are saying great things.

My FI and I sat down and figured out a savings plan that would work for us, figuring out how much we could put away every month which decided our total budget. We also talked about the general feel we wanted for the wedding and what we each really cared about. We both like the idea of a relaxed, fun feel for our wedding, and FI really cares about the booze and food. I really care about photography and having all the people I love there, having a wonderful time.
Then we set aside a specific time for wedding talk. Right now it is Saturday mornings, as it took the place of our farmer's market visits. The time in general will change as needed; we'll talk more about it as the wedding gets closer and everything. We both thought it was important that we talk and share ideas, but that it not become the focus of our relationship. I still obsess over wedding details when I'm by myself, but when we're together we still just do our thing, the same way we did before we were engaged.
Take a break on planning, wait till after the holidays, then sit down and have a calm, chill discussion. Sketch out a budget, then create a list of priorities, and concentrate on those first.

AddieCake · November 2012

Definitely a good suggestion to ask him what he cares about with the planning. That's what I did, and it worked great. His list of what he cared about was so small that I happily gave him everything on it, and we both ended up loving our wedding.

daveANDkristen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-cant-discuss-wedding-details-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e21ca4-34c7-44f1-a66c-9834f5438742Post:9c3d1b9b-909b-4ae3-a58a-1f45f79ebae9">we cant discuss wedding details help!</a>:
[QUOTE]hi, i have been engaged for a few weeks now . after he first purposed i know i overwhelmed him with wedding things. so i let things cooled off and apologized for it he said that it was fine and he understood but in those weeks i was bringing up ideas he did not like a single one of them and it seems like he is fighting tooth and nail over it all. even when we was just discussing budget he brought up paying for all the tuxes and dresses and i was like well i'm not sure that we could afford them and he was like well we just won't have them then. I really don't know what to do we can't even get past the budget without it becoming an argument. and then he acts like since he purposed that it's done and over with. i'm really not sure what to do to get him on the same page when all he wants to do is nit-pick i've already compermised a lot of things <strong>but i'm not going to have some hill billy show down i want him to be involved but i'd still like to have the wedding of my dreams without having to give in to all his tacky needs just because he doesn't want a very big wedding.</strong> HELP!
Posted by sewdrs[/QUOTE]

To the bolded, I wanted to say that you can absolutely have an elegant, small wedding. It is definitely important to set a budget, and that is the first thing you should do. I'm not sure if either of your parents have offered to help with wedding costs, but if not, don't ask them to. You and your FI should figure out what you can afford to set aside between now and the wedding. However, realize that you may have a lot of upfront costs for deposits, depending on what venue you end up selecting. So you may need to save for a while before you can start booking things, unless you already have some money saved.

I also wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with the men not wearing tuxes! If your FI is not comfortable asking his GMs to pay for a tux rental, but does not want to cover the cost himself, you should consider letting them wear a black suit (or gray, navy, etc). Here is my DH and his GMs - we asked them all to wear a black suit and a white shirt, and FI and I picked out their ties (purchased at Kohls.com). I think they looked fabulous and coordinated nicely, even without the tuxes!

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/1/4/a16a416c-c343-49af-84f6-88a02ede6a3f.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/1/4/a16a416c-c343-49af-84f6-88a02ede6a3f.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

cnf2013 · November 2012

I was so stunned after my FI proposed and was immediatly nervous of being too wedding brained or bridezilla-ish he actually had to pry me to talk about things.

Everyone else gave great advice. My FI has had input on the things he finds most important and has been hands off in other areas telling me to "do whatever makes you happy and that will make me happy" sort of thing. Definitely chill out though. You still have a long time to go. You need an approximate budget and guest list before you can start looking at venues, which means you two need to figure out your inability to communicate first and foremost. Your ability to work together and make big decisions now will be indicative of how you will most likely work together in the future. Figure out how to be a team now because big decisions and discussions don't end with the wedding.

daveANDkristen · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-cant-discuss-wedding-details-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e21ca4-34c7-44f1-a66c-9834f5438742Post:eaf4d343-1d0f-4f46-9ca7-6d81e4562818">Re: we cant discuss wedding details help!</a>:
[QUOTE]DaveandKristen -- nice looking bunch of guys. I also think that even if some of the men do not have dark suits, they may find it more palatable to buy a suit (which they can use for other occassions) than rent a tux.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Thanks, I think so! As for buying a suit over renting a tux, I agree and that is the reason behing our decision. Two of the GMs already had a black suit, but one had to buy one and so did DH. I felt a little bad that our friend had to buy one, but he said he didn't mind (actually he said, I'm almost 30, I should own a suit!). The same groomsman was in another friend's wedding the year before, and his tux/shoe rental for that wedding cost around $140. He bought his suit for less than that, so either way, he was happy!

ksblumb · November 2012

When we first started wedding plans, it was a little difficult to get my FI on board as well. He didn't like a lot of the ideas, and he would contribute to the conversation for maybe 10 minutes until he checked out...

So at first I tried just backing off a bit. Not talking about wedding stuff quite so often, not for soooo long when I did talk about it. But the interest still wasn't there. He was excited to marry me, but not so excited for the whole wedding planning and wedding day.

We continued to brainstorm and once we decided on a feel for the wedding that really fit us, he was 110% into it. We decided on a small family wedding, 35-50 guests. No dancing, no big party. A nice ceremony and then a family dinner to enjoy our loved ones. We've never been into going out and partying and dont ususlly hang out with really large groups of people, so a traditional wedding just felt forced. Once we decided to hold true to who we were - he talked about it more often than me! He is super helpful with the planning now, always has input, and we make 99% of the decisions together.

"Hillbilly wedding" and "his tacky needs" are also quite concerning to me here. It is not just your day, it is his day too. A day to celebrate the two of you coming together - and the feel of the wedding should reflect that. You need to consider his wants and needs and incorporate them. If you can't find any middle ground here and can't compromise on anything... maybe take a slower approach to the planning process?

Good luck!

TiffanyT816 · November 2012

my FI cares about funny things, but I try to keep him as involved as he wants to be. I had our STD and Invitations created, showed them to him and if there were any changes he wanted, we made them togther. There is TONS of details that can be in a wedding, I limit the details that I show/tell him.
I gave my FI 3 color combinations that I liked and he picked out of them.

The most recent detail, our rehearsal dinner. We've compromised with a nice pizza place where we can rent the top floor. The big issue here was budget, as we're paying for it ourselves.

I think to involve him is important, but to leave out too many details/options is essential.

FloridaMichelle · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-cant-discuss-wedding-details-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e21ca4-34c7-44f1-a66c-9834f5438742Post:179939b4-4599-44f1-b5f4-44d8b4daae20">Re: we cant discuss wedding details help!</a>:
[QUOTE]If your wedding is actually in March 2014, I think you can wait until (early) next year to start talking wedding. I would just enjoy being engaged for a little while longer. (Maybe that's why he's annoyed?)
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I tried this after I got engaged, but after a couple months of not having plans I started to get the planning itch.. so now I'm looking at dresses. It's hard to wait! </div><div>I agree that making the "just engaged" feeling last is nice. </div>

sewdrs · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-cant-discuss-wedding-details-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e21ca4-34c7-44f1-a66c-9834f5438742Post:4dacf2bd-b0f6-4605-9771-77e4dfc68018">Re: we cant discuss wedding details help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to we cant discuss wedding details help! : To the bolded, I wanted to say that you can absolutely have an elegant, small wedding. It is definitely important to set a budget, and that is the first thing you should do. I'm not sure if either of your parents have offered to help with wedding costs, but if not, don't ask them to. You and your FI should figure out what you can afford to set aside between now and the wedding. However, realize that you may have a lot of upfront costs for deposits, depending on what venue you end up selecting. So you may need to save for a while before you can start booking things, unless you already have some money saved. I also wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with the men not wearing tuxes! If your FI is not comfortable asking his GMs to pay for a tux rental, but does not want to cover the cost himself, you should consider letting them wear a black suit (or gray, navy, etc). Here is my DH and his GMs - we asked them all to wear a black suit and a white shirt, and FI and I picked out their ties (purchased at Kohls.com). I think they looked fabulous and coordinated nicely, even without the tuxes!
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

<div>i would be fine with suits but he was talking blue jeans and he has never had to pay for a tux or suit or whatever when he was in weddings but all the weddings i have been in i paid for my dresses and i explained this hoping he would understand it but he just kinda shut down after that i know we need to get the guest list going and i have a very large family and his mom estimated 100 for his side (knowing not everyone will come) it's still alot of people i know he doesnt know what all goes into a wedding cause i showed him a list and he was shocked but he can't meet me in the middle somewhere i don't know how to discuss it we will be talking budget and he will start arguing about the venue (even though all i have done is called around for prices) and he bugs out or the suit thing or whatever and just decides we don't need it or a bar or sit down dinner or dj or anything that cost a little extra im making alot of the stuff myself but he just dosen't seem to comprehind it.............</div>

Meghannsix · December 2012

I'm sorry, but I cannot get over you being afraid of having a tacky hillbilly wedding when your posts are full of bad spelling and grammar, no capital letters, and possibly the longest run on sentence I've seen in months.

A wedding is a party. If you can't find a way to plan a party together, you're going to have a tough time planning a life together. Relax, breathe, enjoy being engaged.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to Re:we cant discuss wedding details help!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: we cant discuss wedding details help!:In Response to we cant discuss wedding details help! : To the bolded, I wanted to say that you can absolutely have an elegant, small wedding.nbsp; It is definitely important to set a budget, and that is the first thing you should do.nbsp; I'm not sure if either of your parents have offered to help with wedding costs, but if not, don't ask them to.nbsp; You and your FI should figure out what you can afford to set aside between now and the wedding.nbsp; However, realize that you may have a lot of upfront costs for deposits, depending on what venue you end up selecting.nbsp; So you may need to save for a while before you can start booking things, unless you already have some money saved. I also wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with the men not wearing tuxes!nbsp; If your FI is not comfortable asking his GMs to pay for a tux rental, but does not want to cover the cost himself, you should consider letting them wear a black suit or gray, navy, etc.nbsp; Here is my DH and his GMs we asked them all to wear a black suit and a white shirt, and FI and I picked out their ties purchased at Kohls.com.nbsp; I think they looked fabulous and coordinated nicely, even without the tuxes!Posted by daveANDkristeni would be fine with suits but he was talking blue jeans and he has never had to pay for a tux or suit or whatever when he was in weddings but all the weddings i have been in i paid for my dresses and i explained this hoping he would understand it but he just kinda shut down after that i know we need to get the guest list going and i have a very large family and his mom estimated 100 for his side knowing not everyone will come it's still alot of people i know he doesnt know what all goes into a wedding cause i showed him a list and he was shocked but he can't meet me in the middle somewhere i don't know how to discuss it we will be talking budget and he will start arguing about the venue even though all i have done is called around for prices and he bugs out or the suit thing or whatever and just decides we don't need it or a bar or sit down dinner or dj or anything that cost a little extra im making alot of the stuff myself but he just dosen't seem to comprehind it............. Posted by sewdrs[/QUOTE]

Punctuation and capitalization are your friend. Seriously. I can't even read your post because it is literally ONE sentence.

Stop focusing on your FI's "hillbilly" and "tacky" ideas. Start focusing on being an adult, communicating, compromising, and for the love of all that's holy, educating yourself on proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2012

It sounds like you are trying to "back into" your budget (example: "oh I called around and venues cost $5000 so we have to budget $5000 for the venue") and that's not only backwards, it's why he's saying things like "just cut the DJ." What you need to do instead is sit down and agree on a set price you are willing to spend on the ENTIRE wedding. Once you have that total, you can start to look for vendors that fit within your total price cap. It's a lot easier to make a case in favor of, say, having a DJ when you can say "look, we set a budget of $10,000 and that included $500 for the DJ and this DJ is charging us $485 so he's in budget and there's no financial reason not to have one." Oh, and stop calling your FI a tacky hillbilly just because he wants, it sounds like, a more casual wedding than you. As long as all of your guests are hosted properly (a seat for every butt at the ceremony and reception, appropriate food and drink offerings for the time of day of the wedding, no b-listing, no cash bar, etc.), the wedding won't be "tacky," even if the groomsmen are in jeans.

ksblumb · December 2012

I'm not going to give a ton of advice, because I didn't make it through your second post (grammar, please!).

However, why not start with The Knot budget? You can type in your budget, say $10,000, and then it will tell you about how much you need to spend in each area. Obviously tweak it to your needs - less on ceremony decor, more on food, etc. But, it gives you a good starting point. Weddings can be a huge financial commitment, so when you talk wedding and your guy just sees dollar signs adding up, you can't really blame him. Sit down and go through The Knot budget together and hopefully it will ease his mind a little bit.

sewdrs · December 2012

Sorry didn't know this was a gramatical website! if you can't read it don't post

sewdrs · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-cant-discuss-wedding-details-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19e21ca4-34c7-44f1-a66c-9834f5438742Post:179939b4-4599-44f1-b5f4-44d8b4daae20">Re: we cant discuss wedding details help!</a>:
[QUOTE]If your wedding is actually in March 2014, I think you can wait until (early) next year to start talking wedding. I would just enjoy being engaged for a little while longer. (Maybe that's why he's annoyed?)
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>it's oct 2013</div>

we cant discuss wedding details help!

Re: we cant discuss wedding details help!

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