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Ballet513 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_urgent-maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:292c145c-b103-4f90-9764-0e237c0d0a1cPost:b22f571e-74e5-4d6b-bf0e-77198245fd09">URGENT MAID OF HONOR QUESTION</a>:
[QUOTE]I had planned on having a wedding with a very large number of bridesmaids, ten to be exact. At that time, I asked my sister to be my maid of honor. I did so more out of obligation because I really would rather have my best friend be my MOH. In any event, my fiancee and I subsequently decided to eliminate the massive wedding party and only have one MOH and one best man. At this point, given that I have three sisters, I do not think it would be fair to keep my sister as MOH, when I have eliminated the other sisters. Would it be appropriate at this point to explain to my sister that I cannot have her as MOH given that I have cut out every other family member out of the wedding party because I do not want to favor any one family member and do not want to cause hard feelings? I would like to ask my best friend to be my MOH. Also, my fiancee is having his best friend as best man, and not any of his brothers. Help!
Posted by anniemac13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It is not appropriate to ask family and friends to be in your wedding party and then "un ask" them. If you have already asked people to be in your wedding party you are stuck with them. Good luck.

</div>

frantastic12 · April 2012

This isn't urgent. You can find your answer in one of the many previous posts on this same topic.

anniemac13 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_urgent-maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:292c145c-b103-4f90-9764-0e237c0d0a1cPost:388f8e81-17e6-445e-b30c-c9894ead3028">Re: URGENT MAID OF HONOR QUESTION</a>:
[QUOTE]This isn't urgent. You can find your answer in one of the many previous posts on this same topic.
Posted by 2012jmr[/QUOTE]

WOW.

libby2483 · April 2012

From your post, I can't tell if you already asked all of these people to be in your wedding party. If that is the case, it is very rude and hurtful to un-ask them. If, however, you were only thinking about asking them, but did not, that is a different situation, and you don't need to worry about a breech of etiquette there.

As for your MOH, however, you have already asked your sister, so it would be extremely hurtful to un-ask her. Imagine how she would feel if she were demoted and replaced. If you are concerned that your other sisters will be hurt, I would find a different way to honor them, like having them be usher-ettes or readers.

mbcdefg · April 2012

No, it's not appropriate to dump them all. Even more inappropriate to kick out your sister and replace her with someone else. Seriously, how shiitty would you feel if someone especially your sister did that to you? It's not their fault that you are regretting your decision to have a big bridal party, so don't punish THEM because YOU made a mistake. Figure out a way to deal with having a big bridal party.

bonge · April 2012

Why would you ask so many ppl if you didn't really want them to stand up there with you?

If you didn't ask them yet then you are ok for not having them but will have to keep your sister as MOH. Dumping her is a shitty move & will cause many hard feelings & rifts.

If you asked them all then you have to keep them all, if they don't get the outfit then they remove themself which is fine & you don't end up looking like a giant douche (not sayin you one, saying you would look like one). Your friends & family may not tell you what they really think to your face but behind your back............ I know i would not forgive my sister if she did that.

My sis did not invite me (or any of her family at all) to her wedding, we were close, it was not a dw where no one was invited, his family was all there, she took it upon herself to assume we could not afford it. I did not speak to her for 2 years & to this day i do not trust her anymore. That was about 8 years ago, it is still causing problems & she will not be a bridesmaid because of this, but i did invite her. I can't let it go completely (though she hasn't really apologized other than saying she did not think we could afford it or took ownership that she wronged me so that has a lot to do with it)

Do you want to end up in the same boat with your sis?

Lark2013 · April 2012

I agree with PPs that it is not really good to invite and then uninvite people to the WP. However, given your situation, I wonder if you could still keep all of your sisters in, and either have uneven sides, or see if FI could add some more people. Either way, you are in a sticky situation, and I wish you luck.

misssunshine17 · April 2012

OP, don't try to make what you did sound okay. You invited all these people to stand by you, and now you're "eliminating" them. How would you feel in this situation? I know I would feel hurt and slighted.

You should have drawn the line or taken the hint when they made comments about being too old. Ten is a lot of people. My personal opinion is that it's no long really an honor when so many people are sharing it.

To answer your original question: no. There is no kind way to boot your sister out of your wedding party.

mbcdefg · April 2012

The only remaining issue is the MOH sister, who lives in another state, does not see why any fuss should be made over weddings, has not and cannot help me with any of the planning or details (due either to distance or just plain apathy), and literally told me "what is hte big deal, just pick any old dress!" Maybe this lends another layer to it. The sisters, however, are the type that will be irritated by the MOH sister being the only one chosen if they have been taken out of the wedding party (even though they don't really want to stand up. Hope that makes sense--your basic passive-aggressive nonsense).

MOH isn't required to help you plan YOUR wedding. Her job is to be your main witness.

Whether they are O.K. with being booted or not, the bottom line here is that YOU made a mistake, not them. So own it, rather than trying to blame everyone else.

ETA: and if you eliminate ALL of the bridal party - every single person - then that's a bit more fair. But keeping the Best Man and MOH as the "special people" is bound to hurt some feelings. And booting your SISTER out as the Maid of Honor and replacing her with someone who's more up to doing the job* is just downright cruel.

*You said it's to keep it fair between your sisters, but since you mentioned in detail that she's not helping with your wedding then I'm betting that your real reason is because you think you should have someone more helpful as your MOH. And if you REALLY wanted to keep it fair between your sisters, then you would've had co-Maids of Honor, or no designated MOH, in the first place. Own up to it ... you want someone "better for the job." Barf.

MrsKathyC · April 2012

If you can sit and talk with your sisters and nieces and just explain to them that you and your fiance have decided not to have a wedding party. No need to give them the reason why. That way no ones feelings get hurt by being replaced. Unfortunately, that also means NO maid of honor OR best man. That's the only way I see that you can remedy this.

Good luck.

ceh789 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_urgent-maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:292c145c-b103-4f90-9764-0e237c0d0a1cPost:3e8cad84-f38c-4008-8f6d-741a62cec0fb">Re: URGENT MAID OF HONOR QUESTION</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is some perspective. Yes, I did ask the people initially. Initially I asked three sisters and my best friend. Of the sisters (ages 53, 48, and 49), two of them were appalled that I would even consider having them as bridesmaids "because they are all way too old to be doing such things." (Their words not mine) They also seemed to feel it was quite silly for me at 43 (First wedding, his second) to even be having a formal wedding with reception because I am "too old". (The same sisters are also not throwing a shower for me). I asked them because I was in their weddings and assumed it would follow tradition. I responded to the two to just forget standing up if that's really how they felt. One of these two protested, one remained silent as if relieved not to have to stand up. That's how all of this started. Then one niece wanted in. Which meant two other nieces couldn't be left out, and so on, til there were ten. We tried to shop for dresses, but I got nothing but drama and excuses about doing so from one stepdaughter (who is very overweight),, and complete disinterest and apathy from most of the others. My fiancee and I are both running very successful and busy businesses and it just became ridiculous in the very early planning. Like herding cats. Nobody was the least bit disappointed to be dropped out of the wedding party and all seem to be looking forward to the event more than when they were expected to do anything. The only remaining issue is the MOH sister, who lives in another state, does not see why any fuss should be made over weddings, has not and cannot help me with any of the planning or details (due either to distance or just plain apathy), and literally told me "what is hte big deal, just pick any old dress!" Maybe this lends another layer to it. The sisters, however, are the type that will be irritated by the MOH sister being the only one chosen if they have been taken out of the wedding party (even though they don't really want to stand up. Hope that makes sense--your basic passive-aggressive nonsense).
Posted by anniemac13[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Oh good lord what a disaster. Just about the only thing you got right is that this is nonsense.</div><div>
</div><div>1) There's nothing wrong with declining to be a BM for any reason - feeling too old, not wanting to spend the money, it's Tuesday - any reason.</div><div>2) I'd roll my eyes at anyone with 10 BM's. I don't care how old you are, you don't need 10 BMs.</div><div>3) Your sisters don't owe you a shower so that snarky aside wasn't necessary.</div><div>4) If people 'want in' too bad. You choose your WP, people don't apply.</div><div>5) Your WP doesn't plan your wedding with/for you. It's not apathy - it's YOUR WEDDING, not theirs so it's not their job.</div>

frantastic12 · April 2012

Your posts have been quoted, so it's pointless to DD. Changing the title of the thread just brings more attention to it.

Also, I really hope your attitude toward your stepdaughter is a little better than what you indicated in your post.

We tried to shop for dresses, but I got nothing but drama and excuses about doing so from one stepdaughter (who is very overweight)

Maybe she's insecure. Also, (as someone's stepdaughter) it seems to me that booting your stepdaughter(s)-to-be isn't the best way to start off your relationship. Your sisters are adults, and while it's wrong to boot anyone out of the WP, it would be especially hurtful to do so to a future stepchild.

Viczaesar · April 2012

Would you like to try a semicolon next, OP?

Viczaesar · April 2012

Would you like to try a semicolon next, OP?

dragontrainer · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_urgent-maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:292c145c-b103-4f90-9764-0e237c0d0a1cPost:03bad8e2-8bd9-4209-bf54-eddc665f681a">Re: .</a>:
[QUOTE]Would you like to try a semicolon next, OP?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

LOL. My tea almost came out through my nose.

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Re: .

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