Wedding Etiquette Forum

Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast

I've posted here and there before, but this is an anonymous sn because I am dealing with a touch subject and I don't want anyone to connect me to the post.

Background #1: My FFIL is baby obsessed.  He harrasses his children about giving him a grandchild on a regular basis.  He already has 1 grandchild from one of FI's sisters, and another sister is pregnant and due this spring.  When 2 of FI's sister's got married their father made a toast that heavily revolved around the idea that they should make him a grandchild asap now that they were married.  This same speech will be happening at our wedding, and while I'm pretty mortified by it, I had basically decided that he'll be the one to look foolish by rambling on and on about it.

Background #2: A good friend of mine was supposed to have a baby on the day of my wedding (which is quickly approaching, less than a month away).  Sadly, about 3 weeks ago she lost the baby, it's heartbreaking.  She and her husband do plan on attending my wedding, because she said they would like to be out of the house that day and not thinking about how they should have been at the hospital welcoming their new baby.

Question: Would it be out of line for FI to speak to his father about the toast he plans on making.  I'm pretty sure the last thing my friend needs to hear on her due date is a long drawn out speech about babies, and out of respect for their situation I would really like to avoid making her and her H uncomfortable and/or emotionally breaking down.  If this had not happened, I wouldn't say a thing, because you can't dictate things people do or say, but I'm wondering if this situation would be an exception.  Or if there is any other course of action we can take........thanks so much for any advice.

Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast

  • Well I don't know if it's proper etiquette, but I would definitely ask him not to say it! I think if your FI explains the situation to him, FFIL will see how it could hurt that poor couple's feelings.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2012
    I think you can say something. 

    ETA: do you think you could have him give his speech at the rehearsal dinner instead?
  • I absolutely think your FI should have a frank, but respectful talk to his dad about this.  Make sure Dad knows the details and understands how heartbreaking this would be.  In my MOB POV, I think it would be good to make sure Dad refrains from ANY baby talk during the reception out of respect for your friend, not just during the speech.  Sounds like he has started viewing his kids as grandbaby-makers.  It is a pet peeve of mine.
  • Definitely your fiance should speak to his father. Surely he will understand and be sensitive to the situation.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Under the circumstances, yes I would have your fiance mention it and explain WHY so he understands the importance of why not to bring it up..If he doesn't know THAT reason, he jmay just do it thinking it's funny since you guys are worried
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-or-rather-fi-talk-to-his-father-about-the-wedding-toast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:755ac65a-7d84-4878-bfbe-bb438d208932Post:99aaf4b1-a985-4bde-93c8-c61c41f1d356">Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast</a>:
    [QUOTE]I absolutely think your FI should have a frank, but respectful talk to his dad about this.  Make sure Dad knows the details and understands how heartbreaking this would be.  In my MOB POV, I think it would be good to make sure Dad refrains from ANY baby talk during the reception out of respect for your friend, not just during the speech.  <strong>Sounds like he has started viewing his kids as grandbaby-makers.  It is a pet peeve of mine.</strong>
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    Yup, mine too.  I've managed to hold my tongue on it (he started bugging me and FI about babies when we had been DATING for only 6 MONTHS), but I know he's gonna get worse after the wedding/honeymoon.  A whole different topic, but since it's not my own parents will it ever be OK for me to throw out snarky replies (why FFIL, do you want an invite to the conception?  Or, FFIL for every time you ask me if I'm pregnant we are postponing trying for a baby by 1 year).
  • I think you should ask your fiance to talk with his dad about it.  You might also talk with friend's husband/partner and warn him that your FFIL might make inappropriate comments. This way he can let your friend know that when your FFIL starts his speech (even if he doesn't intend to bring up babies), this might be a good time to use the ladies' room.


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  • Have your FI talk with your FFIL.  My friend lost a baby and it was a very tough time for her and her H.  I would have FI approach FFIL from this point of view.  Maybe he can start with, you know catcus' friend X?  She was supposed to be due with her 2nd child on our wedding, but unfortunely lost the baby.  They want to attend the wedding to help keep their mind off of this.  And at Becky and Sally's wedding, in your toast, you mentioned grandkids.  I'm hoping that for your toast at our wedding, you can refrain from talking about grandkids since X and her husband would have had a new baby on the day of our wedding.

    If FFIL gets very defensive, and seems like he will say what he wants to say about babies.  Tell him you will have the DJ cut his mic.  This is an extreme but if this was my friend, I would go this far for her, knowing how much she was hurting right after she lost her baby.

    I also like Avion's advice about giving the friends husband a heads up.
  • I agree with a blending of PP's advice.  Depending on the dynamics of your friendship, I would either give your friend a heads up directly, or go through her husband.  I would also have your FI talk to his father, but I would stay away from mentioning who the couple is that is going through this.  Some people don't have a filter to begin with, and if you add alcohol to the mix, the next thing you know you could have a scenario where FFIL is making a toast where he still brings up babies and apologizes to this couple by name.  That would make for a super awkward situation.  I also would follow OliveOils advice about speaking to the DJ before the wedding.  I would let the DJ know that for personal reasons and the comfort of a couple at the wedding, to please cut FFIL's mike should he start to bring up babies.  Honestly, I think it would be OK if FFIL mentioned babies in his toast, but only if it was a passing comment or one sentence of the overall speech, but if he continues to pursue the topic his mic should be shut down.
  • I think your FFIL should just not be allowed to make any toasts or speeches.  He doesn't sound like he can be counted upon to comply with any requests whatsoever not to discuss babies or grandchildren, and bringing up this other couple who lost their baby will do nothing to keep his mouth shut and may even inspire more crap coming out of it.  Rather than trying to control what he says, I'd just not let him speak.

    I would notify the DJ that he is not to be given the mike, period, and if he does get his hands on it, it is immediately to be turned off.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-or-rather-fi-talk-to-his-father-about-the-wedding-toast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:755ac65a-7d84-4878-bfbe-bb438d208932Post:b3c0e672-06be-4a41-afe7-021c24179d35">Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think your FFIL should just not be allowed to make any toasts or speeches.  He doesn't sound like he can be counted upon to comply with any requests whatsoever not to discuss babies or grandchildren, and bringing up this other couple who lost their baby will do nothing to keep his mouth shut and may even inspire more crap coming out of it.  Rather than trying to control what he says, I'd just not let him speak. I would notify the DJ that he is not to be given the mike, period, and if he does get his hands on it, it is immediately to be turned off.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    Yes. There is no need for any FOG to speak unless he is the reception host. Assuming he is not paying, your FI should tell him there is o nly the welcome speech by the FOB and then the two WP toasts. The DJ should be told not to give him the mike.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-or-rather-fi-talk-to-his-father-about-the-wedding-toast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:755ac65a-7d84-4878-bfbe-bb438d208932Post:28088301-19fb-4c77-bec0-27780e3ed466">Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've posted here and there before, but this is an anonymous sn because I am dealing with a touch subject and I don't want anyone to connect me to the post. Background #1: My FFIL is baby obsessed.  He harrasses his children about giving him a grandchild on a regular basis.  He already has 1 grandchild from one of FI's sisters, and another sister is pregnant and due this spring.  When 2 of FI's sister's got married their father made a toast that heavily revolved around the idea that they should make him a grandchild asap now that they were married.  This same speech will be happening at our wedding, and while I'm pretty mortified by it, I had basically decided that he'll be the one to look foolish by rambling on and on about it. Background #2: A good friend of mine was supposed to have a baby on the day of my wedding (which is quickly approaching, less than a month away).  Sadly, about 3 weeks ago she lost the baby, it's heartbreaking.  She and her husband do plan on attending my wedding, because she said they would like to be out of the house that day and not thinking about how they should have been at the hospital welcoming their new baby. Question: Would it be out of line for FI to speak to his father about the toast he plans on making.  I'm pretty sure the last thing my friend needs to hear on her due date is a long drawn out speech about babies, and out of respect for their situation I would really like to avoid making her and her H uncomfortable and/or emotionally breaking down.  If this had not happened, I wouldn't say a thing, because you can't dictate things people do or say, but I'm wondering if this situation would be an exception.  Or if there is any other course of action we can take........thanks so much for any advice.
    Posted by cactus526[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I don't think it's out of line at all. In all honesty, just the fact that it makes you uncomfortable, and that it's your wedding day, is enough reason to ask that your FI talk to him about it. It's a really rude/innapropriate subject to bring up in the first place.</div><div>
    </div><div>My father is very similar to your FFIL about the baby issue (he has six right now, but god knows six is no where near enough), and I swear if he brings it up at the wedding I'm walking over and just taking the mic from him... -.-

    </div>
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • You are on the ETIQUETTE board,
    so I'll point out that the Father of the Groom does not give a toast at the wedding reception.

    The Father of the BRIDE starts the reception with a toast to thank everyone for coming, and then the Best Man toasts the newlyweds.  Period.

    Now, the groom's parents host the RD, and the RD begins with the Father of the Groom giving a toast to thank everyone for coming.  I don't see a way you can prohibit him from talking at the RD, which he is hosting.  So like the previous posters have suggested, FI should talk to him or talk to FI's mother about this, so that his toast is just right on target and focused on THANKING PEOPLE FOR COMING instead of INTERCOURSE, which would of course be against all etiquette.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-or-rather-fi-talk-to-his-father-about-the-wedding-toast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:755ac65a-7d84-4878-bfbe-bb438d208932Post:b267a5b3-08f6-4efc-b5a9-f650e529fae3">Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast : Yes. There is no need for any FOG to speak unless he is the reception host. Assuming he is not paying, your FI should tell him there is o nly the welcome speech by the FOB and then the two WP toasts. The DJ should be told not to give him the mike.
    Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

    FI's parents are paying for half the wedding.  And my father despises public speaking so he has no desire to make a welcome speech.  So I'm guessing FFIL's $$ grants him time with the microphone?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-or-rather-fi-talk-to-his-father-about-the-wedding-toast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:755ac65a-7d84-4878-bfbe-bb438d208932Post:d7e20a17-aa7e-43a9-b5f8-540c951430f9">Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast : FI's parents are paying for half the wedding.  And my father despises public speaking so he has no desire to make a welcome speech.  So I'm guessing FFIL's $$ grants him time with the microphone?
    Posted by cactus526[/QUOTE]

    <div>While I'd say that pitching into the cost does grant your FFIL some say in your wedding, I don't think that any amount of money gives him the right to make you/your guests uncomfortable or discuss your reproductive rights/choices. If giving a speech is really important to him, then you should probably let him do so, just make sure he knows that you, your FI, and your guests (if you feel the need to tell him about your friends) are not comfortable with him bringing up the baby issue and wont tolerate it.

    Also, (I'm sleepy and can't remember/too lazy to see if anyone mentioned this) I'd be a little wary about telling him about your friends. It's takes a certain level of thoughtlessness to bring up someone's reproductive choices, and you might want to make sure that he wouldn't bring up the loss of their baby if someone told him about it.</div>
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-or-rather-fi-talk-to-his-father-about-the-wedding-toast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:755ac65a-7d84-4878-bfbe-bb438d208932Post:d7e20a17-aa7e-43a9-b5f8-540c951430f9">Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we (or rather FI) talk to his father about the wedding toast : FI's parents are paying for half the wedding.  And my father despises public speaking so he has no desire to make a welcome speech.  So I'm guessing FFIL's $$ grants him time with the microphone?
    Posted by cactus526[/QUOTE]

    Opps. Amanda gave good advice about not mentioning to him about your friend's loss, as you can't trust his decision-making. Retread gave good advice about keeping the number os speeches to a minimum.
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