Moms and Maids

Mother problems.

My mother and I are estranged and she likes my fiance [to some degree] but she dislikes his family. I don't have much contact with her. She is the only family I have [the rest of my family is scattered around different states and most of them are mentally unstable. I was an only child and my father was never in my life.] but I am afraid to even invite her to my wedding. I recently got engaged and she has a habit of purposely sabotaging events and things in my life if I let her go. I love her to death because she is my mother but I'm afraid that even just having her in the chapel will cause me stress and I will be too busy panicking while walking down the aisle about her doing something than actually enjoying my wedding. It hurts my conscience to not want her there. I'm torn between feeling like "IT'S MY WEDDING I SHOULDN'T LET ANYONE RUIN IT" and "BUT SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!"

 Should I invite her to the wedding or is it just not worth a good idea at all?

Re: Mother problems.

  • sierra85sierra85 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I say invite her. but first, enlist a good friend to watch her and if she starts to make a scene have that person pull her aside. let your friend deal with it. after all it's your day that way your concience is clear and you had a back up plan. tell the person that if need be, escourt her out of the church and tell her that unless she is going to be completely suportive she needs to leave. If she doesnt make a scene., you have to joy of a good event with your mom
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Sierra. Judging from your post, you're going to feel worse if you don't invite her. You love her and I'm sure she loves you. Try to establish a better relationship with her before the wedding. -I just saw that your wedding isn't until 2014- so that gives you plenty of time to work things out with your mom.
    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    2014 wedding? Why are you even thinking about this now?

    You didn't given us the details we would need to give a sound answer. You say you are estranged however she knows your FI. You don't tell us what you are afraid she will do.

    Without knowing the details, I would say she is still your mother. Invite her.
  • lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    It all boils down to this: Will you regret it for the rest of your life if you didn't invite your own mother to your wedding?

    Panicking about what might happen only interferes with your ability to enjoy special moments (and your life in general).  You aren't going to be able to control everyone at your wedding.  A baby might cry.  The pastor might mispronounce your name.  Your FI might get the hiccups.  As long as you and your FI are married at the end of the day, isn't that all that REALLY matters?  If your mom (or anyone else) causes a scene, it will reflect badly on her, not on you.  There should be enough other special moments to overshadow any negativity that she causes.
    If it's still too much for you to handle, just elope or have a private ceremony with just you, your FI, and a witness.

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  • edited December 2011

    You have lots of time.  Wait and see what things are like as it gets closer.  By then, the answer may be more clear!

    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • lmcit23lmcit23 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Invite her don't give her any details about the wedding so she can't stress you out before.  I feel if you don't invite her you will regret it later maybe you can assign someone to keep her in check if need be.
  • edited December 2011
    May I share a story about a friend of mine?

    Her parents were heroin addicts her entire life.  Her aunt took custody of her and raised her.  She had some contact with her mom, and barley any with her dad.  She learned a few years before getting married that her dad had died of an overdose. 

    While planning her wedding she became re-united with her mom, who, for the time being, was sober.  She had great times wedding planning with her mom.  This was the first time she ever felt she had a mom.

    Her mother went to the wedding.  When the night was over, her mother was no where to be found, and all of the wedding envelopes were missing.  She has since moved, her mother only knew to contact her at her old residence, and she has since heard anything about her mom other than she's using again.

    Still, my friend does not hold any bad feelings for her mother and that she stole from her - but cherishes the few months that she was able to spend with her as mother and daughter.

    So I guess it's up to you, but be prepared for her to act up, but if you want her there, have her there.
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  • TinaLatinaTinaLatina member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you for all of your responses.
    I'm still quite torn. I have a lot of time to plan though.
    Honestly I'd be more upset if my mother came to the wedding and then did something negative/caused a scene than I would if I didn't invite her at all. It's a bit of an internal struggle because I feel like I'd be a bad daughter if I didn't invite her.
    However my mother deeply regrets inviting her mother to her wedding because her mother [my grandmother] caused problems before the wedding, so much so that my father's side of the family failed to show up entirely because they didn't want to put up with her. So I don't want history to repeat itself either.

    I would appreciate more responses, hopefully I can figure this out.
    Thanks for the input you all have already given me.
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Tina, I really do feel for your situation. Since we don't personally know the whole situation of your relationship with your mom, it is truly up to you on if you really desire her to be there. 

    If you do not invite her, consider your relationship to get even more distant (if not end). So its basically a question of "how much do I care about this relationship and do I want it to continue?" If you care enough that you do not want it to be even more strain or end then invite her. If you could care less on where the relationship goes then don't invite her. Also you don't have to invite her just because you feel like you will be a bad daughter, because if she was a crap mom she doesn't deserve the honor of seeing you get married.

     I have been at weddings where the parent had a terrible if none existent relationship with a parent, some invited the parent, some did not. It is definitely a personal choice that I think talking with those who know your relationship better would be a good suggestion to do. I also advise to wait until you are ready to send out invites to make the final decision. 
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