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FMIL against alcohol

rae1200rae1200 member
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in Moms and Maids
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my FMIL....she is just like another mother to me. Here is the thing...she is supper religious and has told me point blank "I will not come to the reception if there is alcohol" My fiancé and I want alcohol at the reception BUT we do not want to disrespect his mothers life style. My mother and father are paying for the wedding and would like to serve alcohol at the reception. Since my FMIL is not paying for the wedding, the easy fix would be to tell her "If you are not paying for the wedding then you have no say so as to what is served at the wedding" HOWEVER...I do not want to disrespect her because she means a great deal to me and the day just wouldn't be right without her. WHAT DO I DO???? 
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Re: FMIL against alcohol

  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If your parents are paying, they get the final say. If you want to be that strict about it, anyway. If I was you, I would not budge on this. She does not have to drink, and it is really selfish that she can't get over this when a) it is not her wedding and b) she is not paying for it. 

    I would sit down with your FMIL and tell her your parents want the alcohol there, as do you and your FI. It's 4 against 1. See if there is any compromise you could work out, such as hosting only beer and wine, no hard liquor. For the record, I don't think it matters (since people can get drunk either way) but for some reason this compromise seems to work with some people. 

    The only other thing you might could do is have an alcohol free reception at the church/your ceremony venue, and then have your "real reception" be like an after party some where else. My aunt and uncle did this. Everyone was invited to both, but those who were like your FMIL did not attend the second reception. This would be more cost because you'd have to at least host cake, punch, and nuts or something at the first one. 
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    ditto PP - you could also think about maybe not having the bar open until after dinner; so your FMIL can leave? 

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  • sparent2010sparent2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-against-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f6f2253d-0572-4dfa-9e64-7459bbf0118aPost:9c84992b-bd86-44f2-8369-58dfc0de7b9a">Re: FMIL against alcohol</a>:
    [QUOTE]ditto PP - <strong>you could also think about maybe not having the bar open until after dinner; so your FMIL can leave? </strong>
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think that is a great idea. Like the others said ultimately it is the person paying who gets the final say</div>
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-against-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f6f2253d-0572-4dfa-9e64-7459bbf0118aPost:d75956aa-741b-45d3-897b-4ba5c3083002">Re: FMIL against alcohol</a>:
    [QUOTE]"I understand that you have a problem against alcohol. We'd never expect you to imbibe, and understand your feelings. We are offering it to those guests who do choose to drink." You aren't being disrespectful....she's being controlling, based on her own beliefs.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    ^^This^^
                       
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    One of the first things I always think of with this scenario is will she eat at place's like Applebees, Chilis, Outback, Olive Garden?  They serve alcohol and no one is forcing her to drink it.

    My DD's bio mom (she is my stepdd but she asked me to plan her wedding with her) is also very religious and wasn't crazy about alcohol.  She also wasn't paying for anything.

    We took to the time to set up non alcoholic beverages far away from the bar, with nice beverage jars, pretty draping fabric, etc.  It was a really lovely presentation, it let the bio mom's side of the family know they were important to us and we cared about them.  It worked for us.

    If FMIL will go to restaurants that serve alcohol then, for me, her argument loses credibility.  If you don't open the bar until after dinner how will you handle the cocktail hour.

    As a MOB who has hosted a wedding or two, I would certainly want to be respectful of your FMIL, but not at the expense of hospitality towards my guests.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto Retread and kmmssg.

    You can be respectful of her by not forcing her to partake of it.

    However keep in mind that plenty of people are quite religious and they drink.  My issue with not serving alcohol is that it can almost imply that one's faith is of greater importance than another's.

    And I think a threat like that is asking for a rather lovely response like Retread's.
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  • FutureJilliannDFutureJilliannD member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Tell her Jesus served wine at a wedding. I hate it when people pull this stuff. Why they think that their religion gives them the right to dictate how others live is beyond me. But if you want to appease her, I think the no open bar until after dinner is a great compromise.
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Also, it should be your FI having this conversation with her.  His mother = his problem.

    Also - please don't use such tiny font in your posts.
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  • CassieeKCassieeK
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-against-alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f6f2253d-0572-4dfa-9e64-7459bbf0118aPost:34da106b-1cf6-4383-b649-362d5ca7375e">Re: FMIL against alcohol</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of the first things I always think of with this scenario is will she eat at place's like Applebees, Chilis, Outback, Olive Garden?  They serve alcohol and no one is forcing her to drink it.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is a great point and a great example to use. As others have said, she doesn't have to drink the alcohol. To boycott the wedding she isn't paying for if it is present is ridiculous. </div>
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  • rae1200rae1200 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks so much for all of your helpful advise...you all have given me some great ideas on how to have the reception. I have been struggling with this for a few months now and it has made my wedding experience hell. My FI and I liked the idea of having an afternoon "tea" reception at the church instead of a cocktail hour and then proceed to a separate venue for dinner where alcohol will be served. That way everyone is happy. I am a little bit worried the guests that choose to attend the dinner will get tired since the wedding would have to be around 3 pm. Also, since this will be an out of town wedding for most who will attend this is a very big possibility.
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    How late is the dinner you would be planning?  I think most OOTers would be grateful for a good meal and would much rather eat than go back to the hotel.  If you think they'll be tired and if it's in your budget, you might consider having a couple of shuttles to drive the OOTers to and from the dinner
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  • FutureJilliannDFutureJilliannD member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would also ask what the gap would be between the two. If it is too long, this will be frustrating to all your guests.
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  • rae1200rae1200 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I was thinking maybe a 45 minute to an hour gap between tea and dinner...that way it will give guest time to commute from the church to the reception venue and get settled into their seats. Tea would start roughly at 3:45 or 4pm and then serve dinner at 6:30pm. Is that doable? FYI - I have never been in a wedding and have never helped plan a wedding...any advise would be GREATLY appreciated :):)
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I think your FMIL is being very immature and selfish to threaten to leave her own son's wedding because alcohol is being served.  I get that you love her and want to be respectful, but honestly, maybe she needs some brutal honesty to wake her up to the fact that she's being a baby.  I would say something like "I respect your views, but as my parents are hosting, they have decided to serve alcohol.  I hope you will accept this as we would both be very hurt and upset if you left because you can't set aside your opinions on one of the most important days of your son's life"
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  • Queen JaneQueen Jane member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    CMG - that's awesome. Did she figure it out the next morning? OP, I'm in the camp of if you want alcohol then gave it. I don't see how it's "disrespectful". Nobone is forcing her to and it is unfair of her to threaten not coming over this. I do think your compromise sounds lovely, but I don't think you should do it just to appease her, especially since it will likely coat you more to add on.
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  • cbvcru67cbvcru67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ok, sorry, I am a little goofy, but all I can think in my head is "FMIL against alcohol? More like FMIL against fun!"

    All seriousness, you  could have a 2:30pm ceremony, then head to the church basement or rec room and do a receiving line and cake and punch with maybe a cheese plate from say 3:45-5:00pm.  Then depending on travel time, start your reception at 5:30 or 6, serving dinner around 6- 6:30 I think?  Essentially, the cake and punch reception would take the place of a cocktail hour.  Does anyone else think a timeline like that would work?
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  • rae1200rae1200 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I appreciate everyone’s help...You all have been so wonderful. Things have actually gone from bad to worse...If thats possible. The priest that I grew up with is NOT allowed to marry me in MY church - The same church that he baptized and confirmed me in!!! Its very political. SOOO Now the whole "have tea at the church after the wedding" idea is out the window. NOW I am looking for a new venue. I am not getting married in another church and from where I am from there are only a handful of places that you can actually hold the wedding and reception at the same site. So its looking like she is going to have to be around the alcohol no matter what. When It comes down to it..she will not be paying for it..My Mother and father are…she will just have to deal I guess. I do want to make her feel comfortable but there really is no easy way around this issue.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You're not forcing her to have it.  Just make sure the venue you hire cuts people off when they're intoxicated.  I probably wouldn't have any ice luges either.
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