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Wedding Etiquette Forum

AHR and FI family

A little bit ago I posted about how I'm having a DW and my FI grandmother/family didn't RSVP. I had him contact them and they said they didn't have enough time to plan, blah blah blah, if it really was the last day to give the final number they won't be coming. So they aren't coming and have decided to do an AHR for us. I honestly really don't want this, but its not a hill to die on esp at the beginning of our marriage.

His grandmother is planning this whole thing. From the beginning we have made it clear this is not a second wedding. The first invitations she chose were clear wedding invitation (Invited to the marriage of...). FI told her we will not be using those. He also went over how we will not be having a first dance, cake cutting, etc that are "wedding" activities. So today she e-mails me asking for what song we would like for our first dance. I talked to FI and he said he will talk to her again and go over how we are not doing any of these activities. 

Should I respond to her e-mails? She will e-mail two times a day if I don't respond, or don't respond with an answer she likes. Also, if my FI gives her an answer she doens't like she will come to me and ask me the same question I guess looking for a different answer. How should I handle this? I feel like this is going to be on going and I don't know how to handle it so hopefully it will stop. TIA!

Re: AHR and FI family

  • I'm not AHR savvy, but I don't think doing a "first" dance would be terrible. If you absolutely don't want to, then have FI email her saying that you won't be having the dance, cake, etc. 
  • If she nags you, I'd say "FI told me he replied to your question!  Maybe you should check your spam filter?" I'd reply- just make it clear that you won't actually re-address whatever he's already addressed.
  • FutureMrsSSFutureMrsSS member
    10 Comments
    edited August 2012
    Thank you everyone. I have done the whole "That is something you need to talk to FI about /FI told me he had talked to you about this/ As FI told you... xyz / any variation that just repeats exactly what FI has already told her" I think I was just hoping there was another way to respond to shut it down. Maybe over time she'll get that we're together on things as a couple, and my answer isn't going to change from his. 

    As for the dancing thing... I am such an awkward person and don't even really want to do a first dance at my own wedding with like 20 people there. From what I've gathered this AHR is getting big, and I can not imagine a more uncomfortable situation to be put in. Also, its a backyard BBQ setting, and I feel like that makes it even more awkward to slow dance together in shorts and flip flops. Maybe I'm a weirdo... haha
  • With emails, I would reply and cc your FI on everything.  It sends the message that she can't go to you to go around him.  I would try to get him to remember word for word what he tells her when she asks anything in the future and respond back with exactly the same thing. 
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