I need some unbiased insight....

skepticals · July 2012

ETA: DD for privacy reasons.

Thanks for all the help ladies, I really appreciated it!

minskat30 · July 2012

Sigh, people are really sensitive about their kids sometimes and their parenting skills. I'm sorry. I don't think you said anything offensive (so long as your tone was light/question-like and not judgy). I think if anything you probably apologized too much...it gives people who are seeking drama some sort of vindication that they are a victim.

I get your concern about fitting in to the family but I'd be more concerned that your SO didn't stick up for you and tell his family it was just an attempt to make conversation and clearly wasn't intended to offend anyone. You shouldn't have to drag it out of your SO why he un-invited to you to the party...I'd be pretty hurt by that if I'm being honest (both in being un-invited and in SO trying to cover it up instead of sticking up for you).

skepticals · July 2012

Yeah, I did feel pretty upset about him not saying anything to begin with. I wouldnt have even known the truth if I hadnt asked after the fact. He went over to his parents house today, I can only assume hes going to talk to them. Hopefully he sticks up for me.

What really bothers me is the fact that I may not be welcome to any more family gatherings. BF doesnt want to live anywhere except where his family is, and my family is 7 hours away. If I decide to marry him and stay up here, and his family still doesnt want me around, theres a chance I would have to live without the love of any family close by. I dont know how I could handle that...

lennonkdc · July 2012

I don't think that you crossed a line or anything. I think 2 people who already don't *love* you used a awkward comment to pour fuel on the fire.

BF's lack of standing up for you and uninviting you to an event are two huge red flags to me. HUGE.

FI's family didn't like me much when we first started dating, but he stood up for me. He wouldn't have uninvited me to a family event, and he would not have let his mom or sister act so hostile towards me. Because he wouldn't let them treat me poorly, they learned how important I was to him, and got over it. Now we all get along, and even enjoy hanging out!

Talk to your BF stat, he's got to stand up to his mom and sis, if he won't, well I'd start rethinking some things.

skepticals · July 2012

Like I said in PP, he went over there today, Im really hoping he stood up for me.

Ill heed your words, though. If he doesnt stand up for me, Ill have to figure some stuff out. It breaks my heart that this is even happening.

minskat30 · July 2012

I wouldn't assume your SO will talk to them about it. I would have a very direct conversation with him about it and let him know what your expectations/hopes are.

He needs to nip this in the bud ASAP and needs to get his family to understand that (1) they are important to him (obviously, since he won't move), (2) you are important to him, (3) they are important to you (they will be your family nearby) AND (4) you are important to them. If he can't get them onboard with the fourth item in that list and he's "ok" with that fact...you'll have an uphill battle on your hand here. This will be a hard discussion to have but you need to have it so you can decide what is best for you too.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Edited to delete the fact that I quoted you...sorry about that. Missed the last sentence of your post.

skepticals · July 2012

I appreciate it, Minskat. Its going to be a very hard discussion, but it sounds like this is something that will make for many regrets if I just let it go unchecked.

LilTexasGal · July 2012

I agree with PPs, I do not think you crossed a line when commenting on something. You were just trying to make conversation. I'm pretty sure his mom is just trying to add fuel to the fire and is probably just getting herself more worked up about it than needed. You've tried to make it right and you've tried to apologize. You've done what you can to correct this situation and of his mom and sister want to stay pissy about it, well then that's on them.

My main concern is that BF didn't immediately stand up for you. When he found out his mother was upset over that comment he shouldn't have just agreed to uninvite you, especially not before talking to you about it. I totally get that family is important, but if you're going to one day be a part of his family, he needs to learn that you are just as important as his family. I had a similar issue with FI and my family. They were more passive aggressive (he isn't Christian OMFG stop the freakin' bus!) and tried to belittle him at every turn (holy bee's balls Batman, he's a gamer). FI is the type of guy that doesn't let these things get to him, but the way they treated him made me not want to be around my family. Finally they realized how important FI was to me and that if they tried to force me to chose them or him, they wouldn't like the outcome.

Since then they've taken the time to get to know him and really like him. They just had to get over themselves before they could accept him. Your BF needs to set things straight with him family before they will start setting things straight with you. This might not be helpful, because I am sure my family is different than his, but it helped me. I didn't threaten my family though, they just realized the more they were rude the more I pulled away from the family. If I were your BF I would say "Something came up, I can't make it! I'm sorry!"

Just my two cents.

skepticals · July 2012

From all these posts, Im really starting to worry about what kind of support I can expect from him if we were to get married.

Texas, Ive been with him for 3 years and living with him for 2. Its been long enough in my opinion for them to get used to me. What scares me is that if they made him choose, I cant see him choosing me. I wouldnt be angry either. He loves his family and his niece and nephew more than life, I would feel awful if he was forced to give them up on my account.

I think hes still going to the get together.

LilTexasGal · July 2012

I certainly think 3 years is enough time for them to get used to you (totally didn't pay attention to your ticker when I was posting). It took my family about 2 years to really come around, but if your BF is enabling them to build this "judgement" of you, it could be harder for you to be "accepted". Especially if you're not coming around to family functions. There is no way they can get to know you if they don't let themselves.

I completely understand your concern when it comes to if they made him chose. I sincerely hope he doesn't have a family who would make him chose between you or them, and I certainly hope that if they did it wouldn't be a chose he could easily make. Yes, he loves his niece and nephew a ton, but doesn't he love you a ton as well? He needs to show his family that you are just as important to him as they are. Personally I would be crushed if FI went to a family thing that I was uninvited to for the reasons you were uninvited. To me that would be like him saying that their behavior was fine by him and there were no consequences for their actions. But that's me, and I can get over-emotional at times.

SKP82 · July 2012

If they already didn't like you (or aren't your biggest fans), I could see how they could twist what you said and make it sound judgmental. If they didn't have a problem with you, they wouldn't have made it a big deal, IMO.

As PPs have said, people are uber sensitive about parenting, and she is probably SUPER sensitive about the potty training subject since she has a 3-year-old that isn't potty trained.

The sister sounds like a real peach for texting you and then saying she didn't "buy it" after your explanation...

If your BF won't stand up for you, I would SERIOUSLY be rethinking that relationship, especially since you said your family is so far away. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn't take me around his family because they didn't like me. Would he just leave you alone on Christmas/Thanksgiving/birthdays? That is super sh!tty if you ask me.

Since you already apologized, he should step up to his family, tell them you didn't mean anything by it and you had already apologized, and take you to the gathering anyway. If he's serious about having you in his life, he needs to make them realize that you're going to be sticking around and they need to respect you.

Peaseblossom55 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-need-some-unbiased-insight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e45b0dc4-3f9a-4004-b31a-07d0fbe717d4Post:6b3b8a26-7972-41da-9b60-9df0c30f010f">Re: I need some unbiased insight....</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think that you crossed a line or anything. I think 2 people who already don't *love* you used a awkward comment to pour fuel on the fire. BF's lack of standing up for you and uninviting you to an event are two huge red flags to me. HUGE. FI's family didn't like me much when we first started dating, but he stood up for me. He wouldn't have uninvited me to a family event, and he would not have let his mom or sister act so hostile towards me. Because he wouldn't let them treat me poorly, they learned how important I was to him, and got over it. Now we all get along, and even enjoy hanging out! Talk to your BF stat, he's got to stand up to his mom and sis, if he won't, well I'd start rethinking some things.
Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]
This is pretty much what I was going to say. I'd be concerned he isn't sticking up for you after 3 years. I would be crushed if I was uninvited to one of thw BF's family gatherings, because of something I said and just let it go at that.

LilTexasGal · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-need-some-unbiased-insight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e45b0dc4-3f9a-4004-b31a-07d0fbe717d4Post:80787f10-f2f1-464b-ab4e-d0a5eb8fa00e">Re: I need some unbiased insight....</a>:
[QUOTE]If they already didn't like you (or aren't your biggest fans), I could see how they could twist what you said and make it sound judgmental. If they didn't have a problem with you, they wouldn't have made it a big deal, IMO. As PPs have said, people are uber sensitive about parenting, and she is probably SUPER sensitive about the potty training subject since she has a 3-year-old that isn't potty trained. The sister sounds like a real peach for texting you and then saying she didn't "buy it" after your explanation... If your BF won't stand up for you, I would SERIOUSLY be rethinking that relationship, especially since you said your family is so far away. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn't take me around his family because they didn't like me. Would he just leave you alone on Christmas/Thanksgiving/birthdays? That is super sh!tty if you ask me. <strong>Since you already apologized, he should step up to his family, tell them you didn't mean anything by it and you had already apologized, and take you to the gathering anyway. If he's serious about having you in his life, he needs to make them realize that you're going to be sticking around and they need to respect you.
</strong>Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

I've been trying to say this exactly, but couldn't find the words. Thank you SKP (my fingers totally just auto-typed SKIP...).

skepticals · July 2012

Thanks for all the wisdom and support guys! I knew this was the right place for advice.

Ive been invited to every family function since I moved up here, and I lived with BF at his parents house when I first moved, and we were looking for a place. Were over there at least twice a week, sometimes more. Its not for a lack of interaction, or not having time to get to know me, that has them disliking me.

I almost dont want to go to this gathering even if I AM reinvited. I know I sound like a coward, but this isnt the first time this sort of thing has happened. I used to get my hair done by his sisters friend, and I mentioned that wed had a small fight, but got it taken care of. I also mentioned that we had a discussion in which he told me that he understands if at any time I need to go back home to be with my family. The hair dresser told BFs sister, and she telephoned it to his mom, to his dad, and then to BF. By the end of it, they made it sound like I told her that we were "constantly fighting, going to break up, and I was going to move back home".

The hostility coming from certain members of his family just feels like it wont end, even if he stands up to them. Its almost inbalanced the amount of love and affection he shows for his sister, as opposed to what she shows for him. From what Ive learned about her, shell probably treat me how she wants no matter his feelings.

SKP82 · August 2012

Edited to delete quote.

Are you really okay with being in a relationship with someone whose family severely dislikes you and treats you like crap? What if you two have children and they treat your children the same way? I would NOT be okay with this at all.

ETA: Especially since he's told you that he will NOT move away from his family. So, moving around YOUR family (who I assume are supportive of you and your relationship with him) is not an option...

skepticals · August 2012

I completely agree, Im not OK with it. I want to give him a chance to talk to them, to stand up for me.

If he doesnt, if he just glosses it over.... I honestly dont know how I will react. I know itll end up in a serious talk.

Again, thank you for the input. Sometimes when its just you and him, you focus on the wrong things. I appreciate you guys giving me a good wake-up call.

cu97tiger · August 2012

Regardless of what he's saying to his parents right now, I would be PISSED that he uninvited me to a family function after 3 years of being together. If his parents uninvited you, then the time to stand up to them would have been right then by saying 'PrincessTinyFeet is my girlfriend and very important to me, I want you to work things out, and if she is welcome here, then I'll miss the event as well.'

I love my family with all my heart and soul. My sister is my best friend. But there's no chance I'd let a disagreement like this escalate to the point it has now. And if my sister asked me to choose between her and my husband (which she wouldn't, thank God), I'd pick my husband every time.

Also, stop talking to other people about your BFs family. You can see they will blow things out of proportion, so don't give them ammo.

skepticals · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-need-some-unbiased-insight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e45b0dc4-3f9a-4004-b31a-07d0fbe717d4Post:f1ad92e9-5d97-469f-91e6-3ac0c078fd68">Re: I need some unbiased insight....</a>:
[QUOTE]Regardless of what he's saying to his parents right now, I would be PISSED that he uninvited me to a family function after 3 years of being together. If his parents uninvited you, then the time to stand up to them would have been right then by saying 'PrincessTinyFeet is my girlfriend and very important to me, I want you to work things out, and if she is welcome here, then I'll miss the event as well.' I love my family with all my heart and soul. My sister is my best friend. But there's no chance I'd let a disagreement like this escalate to the point it has now. And if my sister asked me to choose between her and my husband (which she wouldn't, thank God), <strong>I'd pick my husband every time.</strong> Also, stop talking to other people about your BFs family. You can see they will blow things out of proportion, so don't give them ammo.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

<div>I want a relationship like this. I want to know that, if we got married, I would become his family.</div><div>Ill have a talk with him, and Ill bring up the points you made. I need to ask him way he was so willing to let me stay home.</div>

redheadtmk · August 2012

My biggest red flag after reading all the posts is that you might not be standing up for yourself to his family as much as you should. It does sound like you apologized more than you should have. By continuing to say sorry you in a sense are flaming the fire. At this point when you see his family again, if they bring it up, I would just say with a smile, " I did not mean it the way you interpreted it. It was a misunderstanding and I already apologized several times. Its up to you guys to accept that apology or not but there is nothing more for me to say or do on the subject." Then change the subject.

If you act upset and defensive every time something happens it will fuel thier flame. If soemthing like the hairdresser incident happens again, just act as if it is not a big deal. Say "I am sorry you heard things third hand that distressed you. Next time ask me, I will tell you the truth and save you the anxiety. Thannk you for being concerned for our relationship though. I appreciate you looking out for us." If you can say things like this with a sincere smile and tone of voice, it lets them know that you are not upset, not going to be dragged into any drama, makes it sound like you are not accusing them of anything, and leaves little room for more discussion.

Honestly the less you try to please his family the more they will probably like you. Dont be rude or anything by any means but stop playing the victim. That sounds harsher than I mean it to but it does sound like you need to step up for yourself a bit more.

Good luck

skepticals · August 2012

Redhawk, Youre right. Ive tried to be the nice, helpful, likeable girlfriend, and it doesnt seem to work. I need to stop apologizing and stand up for myself in every situation. And thank you, those are excellent suggestions on things to say.

Liv, thank you for the support. This is definitely going to be a point that defines our relationship, and where it will stand. On another note, your happy little sun avatar made me feel much better when I saw it. Thanks for being a nice person and being there foreveryone on this board!

To everyone, I talked to him today. I told him my feelings and asked him about the situation. He says that he will work on it, and that he will tell them to accept me and lay off. He fully believes that it can be figured out, and he knows that I have a lot to lose if his family rejects me. I wont be taking any negativity from them anymore, and I fully plan to stand up for myself, as the partner who their son has chosen.

Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart, for all the input and help. This has been horribly stressful, and Im glad I could count on you ladies for support. Pinkglambeauty can choke on that klassy promise ring, because you guys are awesome!

skepticals · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-need-some-unbiased-insight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e45b0dc4-3f9a-4004-b31a-07d0fbe717d4Post:82ef1e0d-bb67-4e36-9cc2-898f76bf23f7">Re: I need some unbiased insight....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am concerned about something.. You mention that it is "not an option" for him to not live near his family. So how did you guys meet if all your family, friends and support live 7 hours away? My concern is that YOU are compromising and he is NOT. You are willing to leave your family and be treated badly by his, just to be with him, while he won't consider moving or standing up to his family. That for me is a HUGE red flag in itself.
Posted by versdirtyhippy[/QUOTE]

<div>He lived about 30 minutes away from me for 10 years, and moved back home to help take care of his sick father about a month after we met. We did it long distance, until I moved up here for school, with the added bonus of being with him. Hes not willing to move because he missed out on 10 years of his niece growing up, being with his family, and his dad is still sick. He wants to enjoy his family (especially his dad, while hes here), since he was away for 10 years. This is why Im not really upset by his unwillingness to move. He also has no way of finding a job doing what hes good at where my family is in which he could make nearly enough money to live comfortably (Im from Santa Barbara, so rent and living expenses are ridiculous). </div><div>
</div><div>Im not willing to leave and be treated badly by any means. We talked, and I made it clear that I will not be living up here away from my family and shunned by his. He fully intends on standing up to his family. Thanks for the insight though!</div>

skepticals · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-need-some-unbiased-insight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e45b0dc4-3f9a-4004-b31a-07d0fbe717d4Post:0dedfc99-227b-47b8-8f66-b4995c8f5787">Re: I need some unbiased insight....</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh ok, that makes way more sense!!
Posted by versdirtyhippy[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, were in a tough position when it comes to our living situation, haha!</div><div>Weve both discussed it, though, and he feels that it would be best if i live back home for a while after Im out of school. He wants me to know for sure if I can give up living close to my family. He doesnt want us to get married and me have regrets. He does have his flaws, and his family isnt always the best to deal with, but I truly feel that he loves me and wants what makes me happiest.</div>

minskat30 · August 2012

I'm glad you had a talk....don't back down, please, though. If this attitude from the family continues, please address it with SO head-on.

I think you are, based on your posts, a really great gal and you should expect the most from your SO. And I totally get the sick parent thing (spent 7 years caring for my grandma during highschool and college, now caring for my dad for 6 months). Doesn't mean you can give up who you are and what you want your future to look like. It is hard to realize that when you are loosing someone you love but you can't loose focus of the other things in life...trust me. It sounds like your SO may need some help dealing through these issues too...counseling is a huge help in this regard.

skepticals · August 2012

I wont back down, I promise. Im tired of letting people walk on me. And thank you, Im glad that Im not coming off as BSC!

I totally understand and sympathize with his desire to be around his family, but I do think that, if it comes to it, I may not be what he needs right now. If he needs to care for his family and that takes precidence over our relationship, Ill know that its time for me to focus on me, and go.

Luckily, from the sound of our talk, he loves me and wants me in his life, regardless of what his family thinks.

I think counseling would be very helpful if it gets to that point. I went to a psychiatrist for 8 years, and he helped me in ways I cant even describe. If we have to, I am most certainly willing to put in the counseling.

minskat30 · August 2012

I'm glad to hear that. It is very difficult to go through a grief process for someone you know is passing (not sure how terminal his dad is).

That said, you can't forget the other things in your life...it isn't easy to remember everything "else" but it is important that he makes you a critical part of your life "together"...ESPECIALLY during this time. SO has been a huge part of my life during this time period of loosing my dad.

skepticals · August 2012

His dad has Polio, and a couple other diseases. Hes outlived the doctors 'deadline', and is doing pretty well. I think BF is mostly scared of his dad suddenly taking a turn for the worst and feeling like he didnt spend enough time with him. I also think that, since he had been living solo for a long while, he sometimes forgets that he doesnt have to carry the burden of all of the emotions hes feeling. Sometimes I have to coax the feeling out of him, and show him that Im here for him.

I think the key to all of this is to always make sure that, even in the sad times, Im happy with the relationship. I just have to be tuned into my feelings, and not let everyone elses problems trump my own happiness.

*sigh* Why cant relationships be easy? :P

LilTexasGal · August 2012

Glad you talked to your BF about it, and I'm glad to hear how you've responded. Everyone has pretty much said everything that I would want to add to this conversation. Keep your chin up! As cliche as this sounds, don't let yourself settle when it comes to things that are important to you!

skepticals · August 2012

Thanks Texas! Im starting to figure out that I am the most important person in my life. Being a martyr for someone else doesnt make me a better person, but rather a person filled with regrets. And thanks for the kind words!

I need some unbiased insight....

Re: I need some unbiased insight....

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