Alcoholics at my wedding

Colleen3701 · November 2010

My FH and I will just have graduated college when we get married in May. Most of our friends will still be in college and are huge partiers. The first thing they asked me when I told them we were engaged was if there would be an open bar. A specific group has talked about getting trashed, pre-gaming, etc. We also have a few alcoholic relatives.

We are not big partiers and I don't want drunk people at my wedding. But I don't want to nix it all together cause I'd like some champagne. I don't want to do a cash bar because that is rude, and it isn't a budget thing. I'm afraid that if we do a consumption bar, all the drinks will be gone by the end of the cocktail hour and only 20 people will have gotten one.

So I was thinking drink tickets. You get 2 tickets, you get 2 drinks, period. no cash bar after wards. But I've heard lots of mixed reviews on drink tickets.

Thoughts? Ideas?

danieliza1127 · November 2010

I think most people understand that there's a level of decorum that goes along with weddings. When your friends say stuff about pre-partying, just tell them that you hope they won't show up drunk to your ceremony. There's nothing wrong with you being honest.

I think drink tickets are pretty lame honestly. If it's an evening wedding with a DJ and dancing, it won't be the fun party you're hoping for if you limit people to 2 drinks only.

opalsky007 · November 2010

Tickets are not polite.

I think your best options are to either have a dry event during the daytime when people aren't expecting to drink (you could still add a champagne toast if that's important to you), or to host the open bar and count on bartenders to refuse to serve people who have had too much. Bartenders are trained to do so.

Snippylynn · November 2010

YAY!!!! CARNIVAL WEDDING!!!

No? Not what you're after?

That's my first thought when someone says drinks tickets. Seriously. Terrible idea. What's to stop them from stealing someone else's or getting someone's who doesn't want them? If you want some alcohol then only host some, and not all. Don't have liquor available. Beer and wine is fine. Also, your bartender should know when to cut people off.

ootmother2 · November 2010

I think drink tickets are a bit rude.

Your bartenders will refuse to overserve. You may want to warn them ahead of time but that's part of their job to start out with

Birdie1483 · November 2010

I vote a big no to drink tickets. That's worse than cash bar IMO.

Can you talk with your caterer about your concerns with running out of alcohol? We will be working with an outside caterer to host beer and wine and I know many of the companies that we are looking into will bring more than enough alcohol and will only charge us for what is used. I've been to weddings where they went through 6-7 kegs and they have never run out of alcohol.

andy71781 · November 2010

If you are not providing drinks and word gets out the pregaming will only be worse. Seriously - let the bartenders do their jobs and have the open bar. You won't even notice if they are drunk.

Beachy730 · November 2010

Ditto others to nix the ticket idea and just have the open bar, counting on the bartenders to do their jobs.

We had friends talking about how drunk they would be at our wedding for months. There was a gap between our ceremony and reception (common in my hometown), and a big group of H's friends went to a bar down the street from the reception. We had a full open bar, and by the end of the night H and I were doing shots with people.

People are adults, and know how to handle themselves at a formal event. There is a difference between getting drunk and getting obliterated and stupid. We were the first of H's friends to get married, and only the second of my friends, so everyone talked about how drunk they were going to get. At first I was a little worried, but then realized how stupid I was to worry since they are all grown adults.

If you're that worried, you could hire a bouncer to kick out anyone that starts acting out of control.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:236201a0-957b-420e-afdc-5e86e39a3169">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are not providing drinks and word gets out the pregaming will only be worse. Seriously - let the bartenders do their jobs and have the open bar. You won't even notice if they are drunk.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

threadjack- I sent your a FB message. I need your address if you want cookies. If not, I'm sending your share to KJB too.

jemmini6 · November 2010

I don't like the idea of drink tickets only because, while it makes sense to you, to your guests just looks like you are being stingy. I have one person in particular that the bartender will be specifically told is not to be served at all, other than that, I'm putting my faith in my guests to be respectful to me and not overdo it. I would just convey your concerns in advance to your friends and let them know that, while you want them to have a good time at your wedding, you hope that they will be respectul of your and your other guests and show some moderation.

Birdie1483 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:9007d10d-bbc3-47d1-ab8d-52601beae65b">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] We had a full open bar, and by the end of the night H and I were doing shots with people.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

We ended up playing flippy cup at the end of one of our friend's weddings. :) But that was more in retaliation to the horribly rude DJ/owner who kept yelling at the bride over the microphone that she needed to get her drink off of the dance floor. Some things are better off said in private.

opalsky007 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:8f348e89-d923-4bf6-96c3-4882927036e4">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys keep saying "they're all adults" but really - just out of college? Obviously, not every college student is like that, but I've been to several weddings of people just out of college where thing got way out of control. I've seen brides in tears because of inappropriate guests, so I totally get OPs concern. That said, drink tickets are still rude (and so are your guests if they get wasted and act obnoxious).
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

And I've been to weddings where 50+ folks get out of control. The fact that it can happen doesn't make it okay to tell folks that you don't trust them to make good decisions.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:bda672cf-2b00-4151-a70e-f5f960fa9c3a">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholics at my wedding : And I've been to weddings where 50+ folks get out of control. The fact that it can happen doesn't make it okay to tell folks that you don't trust them to make good decisions.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

Very true. And trying to control other's actions at your wedding IMO is bridezilla territory. Some people think that by doing a cash bar people won't get drunk, or they can somehow limit guests to a certain amount of alcohol. Its the same when brides try and control the type of dancing their guests do. You just have to trust your guests to know how to act appropriately at an event. If you truly can't handle that, don't invite them, or hire security.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · November 2010

I would not suggest tickets. Yuck!

We were not going to have any alcohol at all besides the champagne. At the last minute, we decided to do one signature drink. It was a pineapple martini and our guests seemed to be happy with it. Maybe just having one alcoholic drink will keep your guests from going crazy.

lyndausvi · November 2010

I've always attended open bars. Both families and friends all like to party. Yet at weddings , with everyone all dressed up with grandma there I find people tend to behave themselves. Sure someone will take it to another level. But oddly enough I find it's the person who rarely goes out is the one who gets drunk and not the normal partier.

I also find people are all talk, but at the actual event most people are pretty well behaved.

Don't punish everyone else because a few.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

I think that punishes everyone who's NOT being an a-hole. Frat boys will likely sneak in flasks or pre-game, as they said. It's the responsible people who will be stuck wit just 2 drinks - which isn't much for a 4-5 hour reception. If you don't want them there, don't invite them. Or trust that they'll behanve okay. Or that you won't notice them.

I know several people were drunk at my wedding. Like slurring their speech by the end of the night drunk. I thought that was fine - they all had safe rides home and they took advantage of the open bar I paid for. I'm glad someone did, since I ended up only having about 2 drinks all night!

Snippylynn · November 2010

What is this "pre-game"?? Is this a new phrase that people are using to say pre-party instead now?

ohwhynot · November 2010

I agree with a limited open bar - beer and wine. No shots, no asking the bartender to make it a little stronger. People can still get drunk (and they will!) but not as early or as quickly.

Your original idea of two tickets is, imo, a poor one because 1. tickets are tacky and 2. Two drinks? For all night? Seriously?

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:0f4a6c92-352d-4047-9ecd-84b09cfb70d4">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]What is this "pre-game"?? Is this a new phrase that people are using to say pre-party instead now?
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

I guess. We've always called it pre-game. It just means drinking before the bars or wedding or wherever you're going.

DramaGeek · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:bda672cf-2b00-4151-a70e-f5f960fa9c3a">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholics at my wedding : And I've been to weddings where 50+ folks get out of control. The fact that it can happen doesn't make it okay to tell folks that you don't trust them to make good decisions.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

Oh I agree, which is why I'd either go dry or have a limited bar - beer and wine only - or not invite those people who would potentially cause problems.

jemmini6 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:0d789c0b-8b09-468e-9256-8a0999533ade">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholics at my wedding : Because they are underage? Because otherwise, that's not going to work out well. Not to mention, incredibly... I can't even find the word for it.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

No, its actually my father who is an alcoholic and stole $1400 out of my wedding savings account to buy beer. I love my dad, but he is not welcome to drink at my wedding. Believe me, I wish I didn't have to go to the extent of telling the bartender not to serve him, but I don't trust him to respect my wishes of not drinking.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:a8c8b809-14ef-41e1-942d-d57d3b3cde21">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholics at my wedding : And what's to prevent him from having someone aquire drinks for him. Is the bartender supposed to babysit him, too? I mean, it sucks that your dad has issues but asking him not to be served at all is a bit....naive? If he wants to drink that badly, I don't think you're going to be able to stop him. If he gets drunk and is an ass, well then, he's an ass -- not you. Not worth starting a fight with your dad IMO.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Ditto. If H's 18 year old cousin was able to have people get drinks for him at our wedding, I'm sure your dad could easily manage to do the same.

Meg1979 · November 2010

I went to a wedding where people were actually buying other people's tickets. That was sad. I agree with the previous posters. I don't think it's fair to limit the bar because of a few bad seeds. Either limit the bar to a few different drinks or establish a no shot policy.

Colleen3701 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:8f348e89-d923-4bf6-96c3-4882927036e4">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys keep saying "they're all adults" but really - just out of college? Obviously, not every college student is like that, but I've been to several weddings of people just out of college where thing got way out of control. I've seen brides in tears because of inappropriate guests, so I totally get OPs concern. That said, drink tickets are still rude (and so are your guests if they get wasted and act obnoxious).
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

Exactly. They are not adults. There are 21, 22 and they skip class to go to the bar. They have probably never been to a wedding before, much less one they were old enough to drink at, so how would they know what wedding decorum is? I don't want to be rude and say something to them. But I don't want them causing a drunken scene at my wedding reception. And yes it will be totally rude of them, but that doesn't mean they wont do it.

So sure, no drink tickets. And ya, I limit the bar to wine and beer. But when they drink all of it, then other people suffer cause they didn't get a drink at all. I'm not a drinker so I'm not going to be taking shots with them.

And if you have to drink to have a good time, whether it be at a wedding reception or anywhere else, then you must have a very sad pathetic life.

waltzingmatilda13 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:a25cd61d-343d-4448-aa26-5fb460fa49b0">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholics at my wedding : Exactly. They are not adults. There are 21, 22 and they skip class to go to the bar. They have probably never been to a wedding before, much less one they were old enough to drink at, so how would they know what wedding decorum is? I don't want to be rude and say something to them. But I don't want them causing a drunken scene at my wedding reception. And yes it will be totally rude of them, but that doesn't mean they wont do it. So sure, no drink tickets. And ya, I limit the bar to wine and beer. But when they drink all of it, then other people suffer cause they didn't get a drink at all. <strong>I'm not a drinker so I'm not going to be taking shots with them.</strong>
Posted by Colleen3701[/QUOTE]

Most reception venues won't allow shots and if they don't you can ask your bartender to not serve them. Hopefully that will tone down the drunkenness as well.

soontobeschooley · November 2010

I get why you could be concerned since everyone is just graduating college, and most of us were in the same boat back then.

I agree tickets are terrible. But, if you are so concerned, I would just have wine and beer. As long as you don't have a beerbong, everything should be fine. And what they do in the parking lot is their business.

I just asked my guests not to show up drunk at the ceremony. There will be so much going on at the reception that I probably wouldn't notice if someone "overindulged."

Rosie109 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:a25cd61d-343d-4448-aa26-5fb460fa49b0">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholics at my wedding : Exactly. They are not adults. There are 21, 22 and they skip class to go to the bar. They have probably never been to a wedding before, much less one they were old enough to drink at,<strong> so how would they know what wedding decorum is?</strong> I don't want to be rude and say something to them. But I don't want them causing a drunken scene at my wedding reception. And yes it will be totally rude of them, but that doesn't mean they wont do it. So sure, no drink tickets. And ya, I limit the bar to wine and beer. But when they drink all of it, then other people suffer cause they didn't get a drink at all. I'm not a drinker so I'm not going to be taking shots with them.
Posted by Colleen3701[/QUOTE]

<div>Imma go out on a limb here and say that if you are legal to drink you should be able to control yourself in public, regardless if you are at a wedding or at a bar. </div>

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:a25cd61d-343d-4448-aa26-5fb460fa49b0">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcoholics at my wedding : Exactly. They are not adults. There are 21, 22 and they skip class to go to the bar. They have probably never been to a wedding before, much less one they were old enough to drink at, so how would they know what wedding decorum is? I don't want to be rude and say something to them. But I don't want them causing a drunken scene at my wedding reception. And yes it will be totally rude of them, but that doesn't mean they wont do it. So sure, no drink tickets. And ya, I limit the bar to wine and beer. But when they drink all of it, then other people suffer cause they didn't get a drink at all. I'm not a drinker so I'm not going to be taking shots with them.
Posted by Colleen3701[/QUOTE]

I didn't mean you had to do shots with them. I was just saying that I was worried originally about how drunk some of our friends would get because they are all big drinkers (as are H and I), but I realized there is no point worrying, and by the end of the night I was doing shots with them because I couldnt' care less.

Can you work out pricing with your venue to have unlimited beer and wine? Or even just do unlimited beer, and have a bottle of red and a bottle of white on each table. Make sure the bar is closed for about an hour and a half at dinner which will limit their consumption then.

PiscesFish · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcoholics-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf025b76-68fa-429f-8d0b-5995cc14990ePost:761c9109-0c7b-45bb-9222-5bed0f07641f">Re: Alcoholics at my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm sure your dad is totally going to think it's AOK for you to treat him like a baby and embarass him with the bartender and other people. Hopefully you tell him beforhand that he's not allowed. I'm sure that reaction is going to be *awesome.*
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

I too wonder why the dad had access to OP's bank account, but ---

Are you seriously flaming the OP for not enabling her alcoholic dad to potentially ruin her wedding? Presumably after 20+ years being raised by this a-hole, she's suffered more than her fair share of cruelty and abuse. Alcoholics are capable of nothing else. This pathetic excuse of a human is likely way overdue for his karmic b-slap.

I changed my mind OP. Don't invite your dad.

Simply Fated · November 2010

You mentioned these people planned on pre-gaming, so doing things like having tickets and a dry wedding isn't going to work out so well. Especially the tickets where the sobers will give the drinkers their tickets.
If people want to drink, they will find a way to get the alcohol, even if it means from outside sources.

The problem with relying on bartenders is that in a wedding situation, it's hard for the bartenders to see who exactly is consuming the drink.
I would mention your concerns to the matre d or someone in charge so they can help keep an eye on consumption and out of control guests.

mica178 · November 2010

Talk with your venue. You can figure out your budget and then pick a wine and beer list that fits your needs. Alert the coordinator that there are some individuals who cannot self-monitor their alcohol intake, and have taxi information cards for the bartender to hand out.

My venue did allow people to do shots, so I walked in on a bunch of tequila and jager rounds. And some of H's college/grad school buddies were being liberal with the open bar. Whatever. As we were leaving, an army of taxis showed up to take our drunk guests to their hotels. There were no accidents by our wedding guests that night. It was fine.

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