Hi! And talk some sense into me

CrzyCatLady · May 2012

Hi! I've been an off-and-on lurker for a while. Lately I've been feeling the BSC setting in, so I thought I would post to get some sense knocked into me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8.5 years. I know, it sounds like a really long time, but we started dating at the beginning of college, so we were pretty young and not even thinking about marriage for a while. Boyfriend actually went off to grad school in Michigan almost five years ago now and I joined the working world in the DC area. Well, he's finally almost finished with school and is set to start a job in Washington state in August (yes, even further away from me, but we decided it was a better job offer than the DC deployment option). I'm actually pretty excited to start a new life in Seattle, but job prospects are not looking good for me so we're probably going to end up spending more time long distance than we both hoped. Anyway, we've been talking about marriage for a couple of years, and now that it's starting to actually seem like the not-so-distant future, we've both been going a little crazy. We both want to get engaged as soon as possible, but since he's not starting his job until August, it doesn't look like it's going to happen until at least September. Do you have any tips of things to do to distract us from talking about our future wedding plans (I swear, he brings up wedding stuff as much as I do)? Also, how do you stop yourself from worrying all the nice vendors will be booked by the time you get engaged? We've been talking about getting married in fall 2013, and now that he's moving to Washington neither of use want to delay our wedding until 2014. I know a year is plenty of time to plan and this fear is irrational, but it's there nonetheless. Please talk me out of this BSC spell. Thanks in advance!

CrzyCatLady · May 2012

Wow, that had paragraphs when I wrote it, I swear! Summary: boyfriend and I have been doing a lot of wedding talk and I've started to get a irrational fear that all the "good" vendors will be booked for the time frame we want once we finally get engaged. Please talk some sense into me!

JaniV123 · May 2012

all I can say is take up some hobbies and try not to for wedding stuff.

all these new stages are good

just talk to you bf about how all this wedding talk makes you anxious

hope this helps a bit

eirwyn · May 2012

If you guys have already set a date and are ready to book vendors, you're already (technically) engaged. You don't need a ring for it to be official.

If it bothers you to book vendors before you have the ring, then by all means wait. But if you guys really want fall 2013, then you should book whenever you want to and worry about getting the ring later.

Where are you looking at getting married? Is it an area that's really popular in the fall?

CrzyCatLady · May 2012

You and I know that Boyfriend and I are technically engaged, but he refuses. He wants to do the whole surprise proposal thing with a fancy ring, and though I'd be fine without, he insists. Also, if he wants to get me a pretty ring, who am I to say no? So not being able to use the word engaged in reference to our relationship makes me uncomfortable with the idea of moving ahead with wedding planning. We'd like to get married outside with an indoor reception in DC and because he has a pretty large family, as far as I can tell there aren't many venues that fit the bill I was bad and looked around a little online. I keep thinking that I'm just going to have to make compromises, but I don't want to be disappointed with my wedding. Especially since we've been waiting so long to get married and we'd both like to celebrate it.

JaniV123 · May 2012

my best advice is to talk to him about you worries for the venue issue

i think its the only way to settle things

eirwyn · May 2012

I understand what you mean about being uncomfortable looking at venues and such when you don't have an "official" proposal yet. BF and I are firm on wanting a Vegas wedding, and I have to stop myself from reading the Vegas board for general ideas.

The next time he brings it up, gently explain your concerns about venues booking up a year in advance. He may not realize how quickly they get snatched up. September is the third most common month for weddings, behind May and June, and DC is such a populous area that I understand why you might worry. If you're looking at October, you might run into issues with Columbus Day weekend since lots of people in DC will have that day off. (I'm sure you know this; I'm just bringing up talking points for the BF.)

peekaboo2011 · May 2012

Hey, I'm in DC too.

Having started to plan a wedding here once (not too long ago), I'm going to tell you that you'll be fine a year out. Really. I don't know how much you've looked or what your prospective budget is, but we found that that was a seriously limiting factor - venues and catering around here are RIDICULOUS.

So, take a deep breath and enjoy it. Also, if he doesn't consider you two to be engaged, you aren't engaged. Enjoy this time before you do get engaged and don't focus on the wedding planning until after he proposes. Take a deep breath and focus on your relationship. A wedding is one day. A marriage, however, is the rest of your life.

peekaboo2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-and-talk-some-sense-into-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:98a1ae46-9785-4dcf-898d-2e8b462bca35Post:31186a8e-f543-4705-91ad-209a1096a2fd">Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If you guys have already set a date and are ready to book vendors, you're already (technically) engaged</strong>. You don't need a ring for it to be official. If it bothers you to book vendors before you have the ring, then by all means wait. But if you guys really want fall 2013, then you should book whenever you want to and worry about getting the ring later. Where are you looking at getting married? Is it an area that's really popular in the fall?
Posted by eirwyn[/QUOTE]

Eirwyn, where did OP say this? She just said she was worried good vendors would be booked. Please don't tell posters that they're engaged if they aren't claiming that they're engaged without a ring but they're ready to plan.

Swazzle · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-and-talk-some-sense-into-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98a1ae46-9785-4dcf-898d-2e8b462bca35Post:54b5e30f-e843-45c5-a880-f3b0deca0068">Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me :<strong> Eirwyn, where did OP say this?</strong> She just said she was worried good vendors would be booked. Please don't tell posters that they're engaged if they aren't claiming that they're engaged without a ring but they're ready to plan.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>THIS. I thought I was losing it earlier, I was so confused. </div><div>
</div><div>OP: Definitely explain to your BF that you don't want to talk about WR things until you're actually engaged. That will help put your BSC to bay :) Also, feel free to stick around here. We talk about a ton of things that have nothing to do with weddings. </div><div>
</div><div>Do you have any hobbies? </div>

eirwyn · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-and-talk-some-sense-into-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:98a1ae46-9785-4dcf-898d-2e8b462bca35Post:54b5e30f-e843-45c5-a880-f3b0deca0068">Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me : Eirwyn, where did OP say this? She just said she was worried good vendors would be booked. Please don't tell posters that they're engaged if they aren't claiming that they're engaged without a ring but they're ready to plan.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
This:

"<strong>We've</strong> been talking about getting married in fall 2013, and now that he's moving to Washington <strong>neither of us want to delay our wedding</strong> until 2014."

I read that as they're both discussing a date, and the bolded part shows they're on the same page regarding that date. I apologize if I mis-read it, but that's what I took away from it.

peekaboo2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-and-talk-some-sense-into-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:98a1ae46-9785-4dcf-898d-2e8b462bca35Post:1e1d8e0a-5159-4b21-bd76-6ac58c300956">Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me : This: " We've been talking about getting married in fall 2013, and now that he's moving to Washington neither of us want to delay our wedding until 2014." I read that as they're both discussing a date, and the bolded part shows they're on the same page regarding that date. I apologize if I mis-read it, but that's what I took away from it.
Posted by eirwyn[/QUOTE]

BF and I have talked about getting married in the summer of 2015. If I went home tonight and said "We're technically engaged", he'd probably ask me to pack my things. A general timeline that you want to stick to does not an engagement make.

eirwyn · May 2012

Oh, I agree. As I said, I probably mis-read it. I thought they had a firm date of fall 2013. As in discussed, planned, settled, and just waiting on the ring.

I apologize, OP.

peekaboo2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-and-talk-some-sense-into-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:98a1ae46-9785-4dcf-898d-2e8b462bca35Post:85f2d292-aa47-4e84-b439-0f2b1b04e469">Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, I agree. As I said, I probably mis-read it. I thought they had a firm date of fall 2013. As in discussed, planned, settled, and just waiting on the ring. I apologize, OP.
Posted by eirwyn[/QUOTE]

Even if that were the case, OP still considers herself not engaged (as seen in the use of "Boyfriend" instead of "fiance"), and your responses seemed to encourage pre-planning, which we strongly discourage on this board, as it's planning an event that technically may never happen.

eirwyn · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-and-talk-some-sense-into-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:98a1ae46-9785-4dcf-898d-2e8b462bca35Post:23f517ec-5722-4239-a780-4b5df8607bd0">Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi! And talk some sense into me : Even if that were the case, OP still considers herself not engaged (as seen in the use of "Boyfriend" instead of "fiance"), and your responses seemed to encourage <strong>pre-planning, which we strongly discourage on this board, as it's planning an event that technically may never happen</strong>.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
Yes, I realize that. As I've said twice now, I misunderstood her post and apologized for misinterpreting it. I'm owning my mistake. I don't see a need to keep beating a dead horse.

CrzyCatLady · May 2012

Wow, I didn't mean to start anything, lol! To clarify, I know that preplanning is a nono, so no worries there. As for if we're engaged or not, Boyfriend likes to say that we're betrothed as we both want to marry each other and are just waiting for him to be able to save some money to by me a ring to get engaged. In fact, he wants to check out some venues the next time he's in town and I had to tell him to slow his roll. Technically, we could start booking things because I've saved a good amount of money for our wedding already, but I'm not comfortable with doing any of those things until we're engaged. He's just really ready to be done with school and is looking forward to the next major milestone. And I think it's really cute and wonderful that he wants to marry me so badly. But I need to find something else for us to talk about that holds his interest as much, or it will continue to be wedding talk all the time. Thanks for the responses!

eirwyn · May 2012

"Betrothed". I like that.

I hear you now. I was way off-base. Anyway, you need to distract yourself. I get it. I was in the same boat when BF talked about our wedding all the time. I started planning our next vacation instead. I've also been reading a lot about nutrition and weight loss. Every time I feel the urge to look at dresses and such, I look at hotels in Orlando instead. I find it helps to switch the fantasy. Maybe I can condition my brain into thinking about Florida instead of Vegas.

Hi! And talk some sense into me

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