Unsure of Registry Etiquette

sarahmail79 · May 2011

My fiance and I are toying with the idea of having a private ceremony with just our immediate family (parents, siblings, and children) since this will be wedding #2 for us both and although we are madly in love, we feel like we'd rather celebrate with our friends and extended families at a reception. Plus, as much as we love everyone, we know they love to party and we'd rather spend the money on the venue and the food and drinks and music to let everyone enjoy themselves. Our thought was film the ceremony and then play it back at the reception. However, does that mean we shouldn't register since we aren't inviting people to the ceremony?

PS: If it matters any, my first wedding was tiny and 99% of the guests at this one didn't get to come to it - I want to make sure you all know I'm not attempting a double-dip.

Thanks!!

Sarah

shortee426 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:7503a323-6557-41fe-90f7-91ef7f3ffb1b">Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are toying with the idea of having a private ceremony with just our immediate family (parents, siblings, and children) since this will be wedding #2 for us both and although we are madly in love, we feel like we'd rather celebrate with our friends and extended families at a reception. Plus, as much as we love everyone, we know they love to party and we'd rather spend the money on the venue and the food and drinks and music to let everyone enjoy themselves. Our thought was film the ceremony and then play it back at the reception. However, does that mean we shouldn't register since we aren't inviting people to the ceremony? PS: <strong> If it matters any, my first wedding was tiny and 99% of the guests at this one didn't get to come to it </strong>- I want to make sure you all know I'm not attempting a double-dip. Thanks!! Sarah
Posted by sarahmail79[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, that doesn't matter :-p</div><div>
</div><div>Many people would say that you should not register, as it would be rude to expect a reception guest to bring you a gift when they were not invited to the ceremony (no, watching the video does not count). However, I personally think it is OK to set up a small registry. I look at it this way: Some people might ask if you are registered, implying they would like to buy you a gift from it. Those who would be offended by you registering, won't be asking about it anyway and therefore won't even know it exists. I wouldn't advertise it (which you shouldn't do anyway), but create it. And when (if) someone asks about it, tell them you set up a small registry at <store name> in case anyone wanted to purchase off of it but gifts are really not expected.

</div>

AdeleDazeem · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:3e8ab351-6e64-4345-aa93-f15125bff4d3">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Unsure of Registry Etiquette : No, that doesn't matter :-p Many people would say that you should not register, as it would be rude to expect a reception guest to bring you a gift when they were not invited to the ceremony (no, watching the video does not count). However, I personally think it is OK to set up a small registry. I look at it this way: Some people might ask if you are registered, implying they would like to buy you a gift from it. Those who would be offended by you registering, won't be asking about it anyway and therefore won't even know it exists. I wouldn't advertise it (which you shouldn't do anyway), but create it. And when (if) someone asks about it, tell them you set up a small registry at <store name /> in case anyone wanted to purchase off of it but gifts are really not expected.
Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

This!

SteveandKris · May 2011

I might be in the minority here - but if I wasn't invited to watch you exchange vows live, I don't really want to watch the recap reel ...

cindyn9178 · May 2011

I personally think it is rude to have a reception if you are not inviting those people to the ceremony. If I wasn't invited to the ceremony, I would definitely not attend the reception. It would look extremely gift grabby to me.

SteveandKris · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:49cfd7cd-4745-423a-b57d-b1395a8eec83">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally think it is rude to have a reception if you are not inviting those people to the ceremony. If I wasn't invited to the ceremony, I would definitely not attend the reception. It would look extremely gift grabby to me.
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

unless the ceremony is seriously like 6-10 people, bride, groom, mom and dad (x2) and siblings...

but i still don't want to watch it and be reminded that I wasn't good enough to be there

terrichael · May 2011

Because some people will want to give you a gift to celebrate your marriage, I think it's perfectly fine for you to register. I think sometimes a gift is considered the "price of admission" to the event but that's not what it is. You give someone a gift to celebrate the occasion. If I were invited to your reception, I'd want to bring send you a wedding gift. If there are a few things you'd like to have in your new home, sure, register!

cindyn9178 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:96ebc5e6-9a3d-4cf1-b886-a8e8e37474cf">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette : unless the ceremony is seriously like 6-10 people, bride, groom, mom and dad (x2) and siblings... but i still don't want to watch it and be reminded that I wasn't good enough to be there
Posted by SteveandKris[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but even so.. I think if you are going to choose to have a small ceremony that's fine, but you don't get to have the big party afterwards. It looks gift grabby (and it is) and it says to those people "you weren't good enough to see me get married in person".

susie829 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:1426486b-d134-4279-9755-5c2ae189a472">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette : Yeah, but even so.. I think if you are going to choose to have a small ceremony that's fine, but you don't get to have the big party afterwards. It looks gift grabby (and it is) and it says to those people "you weren't good enough to see me get married in person".
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

i totally disagree with this. we're getting married at city hall and having a reception for family and friends afterwards. neither of us like to be in the spotlight and we're on a tight budget. we'd rather have the money go to the party where people get to enjoy themselves. i don't think it's gift grabby and i don't think it's rude. i think it's rude of you to say that just because someone is deciding to have a private ceremony with just immediate family then they are not allowed to have a party. why shouldn't they get to have a big party? it's a celebration!

MNVegas · May 2011

Extremely rude! If people are not important enough to invite to your ceremony, then why would you then turn around and invite them to a reception, which is a gift giving event. I find this very gift grabby and not sure if I would waste my time attending the reception.

If you want to have a party, then have a barbeque or some other thing, but don't call it a reception and don't show your video of the wedding that you are not inviting these people to. Just have fun!

susie829 · May 2011

i need to stop reading these boards. a lot of you are very judgy about other people's weddings. it's fine if you wanted to have a big ceremony but not everyone does. just because someone doesn't want a huge ceremony doesn't mean that they're tacky or wrong or can't have a reception for family and friends. we all have our reasons for doing it the way we want. none of my friends or family are offended that they're not invited to a city hall ceremony. they understand that my fiance and i are not comfortable being in the spotlight and standing in front of a large group of people. they love us no matter what and if i had friends like some you, we wouldn't be friends anymore. the wedding is not about you so why are you being so selfish and expecting the couple to have a huge ceremony just to satisfy YOUR ego? nobody ever said that you have to buy a gift for a reception or even for a wedding. a gift is always optional so if someone has a private ceremony and only invites you to the reception, don't buy a gift if it bothers you that much. BUT to not attend becuase YOUR feelings are hurt is ridiculous. if that's the case, then you don't give a crap about the couple and their reasoning behind having a private ceremony. get over yourselves. i'm so done with these boards.

Onoyu · May 2011

I think it's sweet that while you want a small wedding you still want to celebrate with all your friends. I would not however, play the video at the reception if I were in your shoes. If you have a wedding website make it available there, or simple have a small stack of CDs at a table at your reception so that people can pick it up if they want, or even a laptop people can gather around that loops it throughout the event. That way IF people want to see it they can.

As far as "gift grabby" having a reception, make a "word of mouth" registry. Have a modest one prepared with a variety of prices and if someone asks if you have a regisrty say "why yes actually!" and if they don't, don't mention it. If they want to get you a gift then they will, this way they have ideas if they need them and anyone who doesn't particularly want to give you a gift wouldn't know any better. If someone does arrive with a gift, tuck it in a corner out of view and thank them in a way that makes it seem as though you are happily surprised and in no way expect a gift from your guests. I think that would keep everyone at least moderately happy.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:27838e67-73ec-4c19-bda1-d6ae6631ee24">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette : i totally disagree with this. we're getting married at city hall and having a reception for family and friends afterwards. neither of us like to be in the spotlight and we're on a tight budget. we'd rather have the money go to the party where people get to enjoy themselves. i don't think it's gift grabby and i don't think it's rude. i think it's rude of you to say that just because someone is deciding to have a private ceremony with just immediate family then they are not allowed to have a party. why shouldn't they get to have a big party? it's a celebration!
Posted by susie829[/QUOTE]

<div>The fact that you are doing it doesn't automatically make it ok. And no, pointing out that something is rude is not rude. People come to this board to get the honest opinions that loved ones won't give them. </div><div>
</div><div>Plenty of people will be offended if you opt for the small ceremony/large reception. That's just the way it is. As long as you keep the ceremony tiny (under 10 people) it's ok etiquette wise, but that doesn't change the fact that some people are going to be hurt and offended, they are going to think it is rude, and they are going to think it is a gift grab. </div><div>
</div><div>People don't like being second tier. There's just no way around that.</div>

Onoyu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:8193bd80-f623-4274-a0a4-f692225065c9">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]As long as you keep the ceremony tiny (under 10 people) it's ok etiquette wise, but that doesn't change the fact that some people are going to be hurt and offended, they are going to think it is rude, and they are going to think it is a gift grab. People don't like being second tier. There's just no way around that.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

I beg to differ, I remember my sisters wedding was just family and all her friends were very dissapointed, even insulted. They felt like even if it was just a home-made box cake at someones house they wanted to be involved. And if you are that concerned that people will feel you just want gifts from them then perhaps they don't truly want to celebrate your marriage but want to attend a big event.

What I'm trying to say is <a href="http://community.theknot.com/cs/ks/user/default.aspx?membershipid=7072295897986263&plckUserId=7072295897986263" target="_blank" class="username_knot">sarahmail79 </a>, if you feel the people you are inviting will view it as alright, then do it. YOU know them, not us. My high societiy cousins kind of people would be insulted, my kind of people would be falling over with joy for us.

JuneMaggie · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:49cfd7cd-4745-423a-b57d-b1395a8eec83">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally think it is rude to have a reception if you are not inviting those people to the ceremony. If I wasn't invited to the ceremony, I would definitely not attend the reception. It would look extremely gift grabby to me.
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

<div>I feel the opposite- come one, aren't we all in it for the party!?!? I mean, the weddings are lovely and can be very emotional and meaningful, but I would be much more offended to be invited to the ceremony and not the reception- the reception is where the money is spent- the per head count- so I don't see anything wrong with having a small ceremony and a big reception- and yes, I would register. </div>

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:f8b1c419-4822-4463-a0e8-8db2adefe296">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette : I beg to differ, I remember my sisters wedding was just family and all her friends were very dissapointed, even insulted. They felt like even if it was just a home-made box cake at someones house they wanted to be involved. And if you are that concerned that people will feel you just want gifts from them then perhaps they don't truly want to celebrate your marriage but want to attend a big event. Posted by Onoyu[/QUOTE]

<div>How is that different from what I said? People will be hurt to be left out. You just made my point. </div>

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:581b6155-9287-4766-9082-9c5ea4e29894">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette : I feel the opposite- come one, aren't we all in it for the party!?!? I mean, the weddings are lovely and can be very emotional and meaningful, but I would be much more offended to be invited to the ceremony and not the reception- the reception is where the money is spent- the per head count- so I don't see anything wrong with having a small ceremony and a big reception- and yes, I would register.
Posted by JuneMaggie[/QUOTE]

This!

Nina0528 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:7503a323-6557-41fe-90f7-91ef7f3ffb1b">Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are toying with the idea of having a private ceremony with just our immediate family (parents, siblings, and children) since this will be wedding #2 for us both and although we are madly in love, we feel like we'd rather celebrate with our friends and extended families at a reception. <strong> Plus, as much as we love everyone, we know they love to party and we'd rather spend the money on the venue and the food and drinks and music to let everyone enjoy themselves</strong>. Our thought was film the ceremony and then play it back at the reception. However, does that mean we shouldn't register since we aren't inviting people to the ceremony? PS: If it matters any, my first wedding was tiny and 99% of the guests at this one didn't get to come to it - I want to make sure you all know I'm not attempting a double-dip. Thanks!! Sarah
Posted by sarahmail79[/QUOTE]

It seems like your main reason for doing this is to save money. How is not inviting them to the ceremony going to save you a whole lot of money? The reception is the expensive part.

cindyn9178 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_unsure-of-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:139bbaa6-07d5-4b93-942c-c96a7075367bPost:95c33b66-8ce3-4ac3-b58e-e5d7b2bc0b62">Re: Unsure of Registry Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Unsure of Registry Etiquette : It seems like your main reason for doing this is to save money. How is not inviting them to the ceremony going to save you a whole lot of money? The reception is the expensive part.
Posted by Nina0528[/QUOTE]
I was going to ask the same question... how it is saving you money by only have a few people there? The last time I checked, you don't pay for how many people come to your ceremony...

And some of you said that you don't feel comfortable standing up in front of people to get married with everyone watching you.. yet you want to have a large reception with everybody there, for you. Its basically the same thing.. if you don't want attention on you, then don't have a reception.

I still stick to what I said, it is rude to have a reception if you're not allowing people to come to your ceremony. Like a PP said, if you want to have a party afterwards, have a BBQ or something casual, and don't call it reception, don't wear a wedding gown, and definitely do NOT register for gifts.

noodle_oo · May 2011

I know no one asked this, but my 2 cents: if you are having a tiny ceremony and a larger reception, just remember that showers are out. You can have a tiny shower with the people invited to the ceremony, but don't invite anyone who gets the reception only invite to it. *THAT* would be rude.

And regarding the reception only invite: I love my friends, and I think I'd be hurt. It is one thing to have a private wedding altogether (I get that, I'd still be sad to miss it). But to have a private ceremony and then a big reception, I just don't understand that AT ALL. The ceremony is short and that's not the expensive part. So why exclude so many people? Either you want the big wedding or you don't. I dno't get the "I want a small private ceremony because I"m a shy, private person" but then followed by "giant party where I'm still the center of attention but somehow now it is okay, oh yeah and buy us a wedding gift."

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