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October 2010 Weddings

Bachelorette party VENT

So one of my BMs is in the process of trying to plan my bachelorette party. It's being planned for the thursday before my wedding when at least some of my OOT friends will be able to be there. So, I put together the list of invitees, etc., when my mom voices a concern about my EIGHT YEAR OLD niece, the flower girl, feeling left out. She e-mailed my sister her concerns, and my sister responded that she was also concerned about my EIGHT YEAR OLD niece feeling left out. From my BACHELORETTE party. Um. WTH is all I have to say to that. I love my niece and all but since when has it ever been considered appropriate to have people under the age of twenty one, let alone EIGHT, at a bachelorette party? I mean, seriously? I apologize for all the caps, but as you can see, I'm kind of annoyed.

So, I proposed that we do kind of a two part day. The first part would be at a spa where my niece could be included. The second part would be dinner and drinks, which would be adults only. My sister just responded that she thinks my niece would still feel left out if she didn't get to go to dinner. Since her husband wouldn't be in town yet and therefore not available to watch my niece, she proposed that she and my niece just stay for dinner and then leave on the early side since she wouldn't want to stay up late anyway. First of all, my parents and plenty of other family will be in town who can watch my niece. Second of all, maybe I just don't get it because I'm not a mom, but I don't understand, why an eight year old should be able to dictate all of our plans? Third of all, even if my niece is there for dinner I'm still worried that she's going to be left out. I mean, I'm going to be catching up with friends who I haven't seen in years. I don't see why an eight year old would enjoy our conversations about our lives, jobs and relationships. She's an extremely smart kid. And she'll want to be included in the conversation. She'll also want to be able to understand the conversation, and she'll most likely either get frustrated when she doesn't understand everything or be asking my sister ever 2 minutes what everyone is talking about. I just don't see how it would be at all enjoyable for her.

Ugh. I still feel badly about saying no, she can't come to dinner at all, and I'm not entirely sure how to word it to my sister. And I guess I could always just catch up with people over drinks after they leave. What would you ladies do?


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Re: Bachelorette party VENT

  • some places and events are not ment for children get her to understand that. i would be pissed. have you told her that you dont want the kid there? if she does join you for dinner have inapropriate conversation aroudn her so they can put her to bed. that is just rediculous. I mean seriously feel left out?!?! the child shouldnt get a choice the mom just needs to say her this is mommy time or gown up girl time and that be it!
    VICTORIA image 135 Invited so far!
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  • This reminds me of my sister's wedding. Our cousin, K, is 14. We thought it would be a good idea to make her feel included for her b-party, and let's just say we definitely made a mistake. She was bored. BORED!!! She just sat at dinner and texted the entire time. And kept talking about how she's bummed she was going to miss homecoming the day of the wedding.

    An 8 y.o. going to a b-party? Not appropriate at all! Why don't you suggest doing something just the two of you as your something special.

    She's the flower girl, anyway, and usually a b-party involves the bridesmaids. Nowadays, other gfs are invited.
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  • I personally wouldn't feel comfortable having an 8 year old at my bachelorette party, even for the dinner.  But that might be just cause me and my friends have dirty minds and the language would probably not be appropriate. 
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  • I say go with one of 2 things....

    Have a one on one talk with your niece and Ask her how she feels (since your family is only Anticipating how she feels).  Then explain to her that the evening is for the big girls and that the 2 of you will go do something special together to make up for it.

    OR explain all of that and have a full on spa day with her and everyone else.

    BUT.... I dont know how fun that would be for everyone else.. having a spa day with an 8 yr old....
    ~Alissa & Frank 10.9.10~
  • BTW.. this is YOUR B-party.. why is someone else calling the shots???
    ~Alissa & Frank 10.9.10~
  • I would just tell your sister that it is an adult only event and her daughter needs to learn that she cant be at everything.  It is not a place for a child and no one will have fun keeping PG rated.
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  • This night is about you... it's not a babysitting service.

    (can you tell I'm getting more annoyed for you as I go back and read this??)

    ~Alissa & Frank 10.9.10~
  • I'm probably going to be considered souless for this one, but screw that.

    As a Mother, even, there are some events in your life that should just be CHILDLESS - and your bachelorette party is definitely one of them.

    I'm sorry, but an eight year old's feelings do NOT trump yours on this day.  You have to alter the way you ARE around children that young.  I don't know about you, but sex comes up in the conversations I have with my adult female friends, particularly at spas or bachelorette parties.  I think you're being more than generous to even have a child in the wedding party, to be honest.  No matter how great of a kid they are, kids are just extra work.

    If they give you a hard time, tell them that at my first wedding, where I did give in and have a flower girl, when the kid (who was my fiance's sister) started complaining about her dress and not being a "jr. bridesmaid," I told her she would like being a flower girl, or she'd like being a guest. ;) 
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  • My sister has tried to do this with my 9-year old niece.  We had a dinner a few weeks back with all the BM and my sister wanted to bring my niece who is a Jr BM.  I said that was fine but I wasn't going to ask any of the girls to sensor their conversations or language.  I said I wanted to have a good night with all the girls and just catch up.  I told her it was up to her but that was what would happen.  In all honesty I was completely surprised when she showed up alone.  I love my niece very much and I have included her in all the things I can and she is even getting to stay with all the girls the night before the wedding but a bachelorette party is no place for anyone under 21 (18 sometimes but VERY RARELY!!!)

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  • I would let the 8 year old come. Its not appropriate and the conversation would have to be tempered the whole day. Not only that, but let's be honest here, the 8 year old probably isnt the one throwing a tantrum about coming. Seems like mom wants it more than the 8 year old. She'll be bored within 15 minutes.

    I had my friends 18 year old txt me last night asking what she should wear to my bach. First of all, I didn't have her on the guest list. 2nd her mom told her she would have to make sure it was ok, and the little girl told me she okayed herself to come. I ended up telling her she could wear whatever she wants as soon as she turns 21.
  • I am a lurker here, but getting married on 10/8/10.  As the mother of an eight year old who is in my wedding, there is NO WAY, I would have her at the b-party.  I have a babysitter all lined up for the night of mine.  She is included in all of the things that a child should be included in, but not that.  I don't think my friends would feel comfortable with her there, and she really would be bored with all of the adults.  I don't think I would include her in any of it personally.

    Mindy
  • The only reason she would feel "left out" is if your mom and your sister complained about her being "left out" in front of her. When I was 8 I didn't know what a bachelorette party was. If they make plans to go to dinner on their own, she'll be fine.

    I would seriously tell your sister, "I don't feel comfortable inviting your daughter to a party where my college friends and I will be talking about blow jobs and wearing penis necklaces, not to mention the gifts of lingerie I'll be opening." Even if that's not true, let her know that a bachelorette party is a really inappropriate place for an 8 year old. A shower is fine, but not a b-party.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2010-weddings_bachelorette-party-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:595Discussion:698a2e19-8c4c-452c-9884-fe388b0ffa7aPost:b19d14e3-6b11-4127-bf8e-736e8d40cb89">Re: Bachelorette party VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]some places and events are not ment for children get her to understand that. i would be pissed. have you told her that you dont want the kid there? if she does join you for dinner have inapropriate conversation aroudn her so they can put her to bed. that is just rediculous. I mean seriously feel left out?!?! the child shouldnt get a choice the mom just needs to say her this is mommy time or gown up girl time and that be it!
    Posted by Victoriatx[/QUOTE]

    Exactly, and your not wrong.  I'm a mom of four. there is a time and place for children.  This clearly is not one of them. 
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  • Wow, just wow.  I can see her enjoying the spa, but anything after that??? WTH is right!  My girlfriend had gifts with condoms taped all over them - wonderful time for an eight year old.  I honestly think you need to put your foot down here.  I've given into a lot of family kid involvement, so I definitely understand the family pressure, but even I would not let this one pass.  She *might* feel left out, however, she doesn't know how freaking bored she is going to be.  Your sister would be eating her words when her daughter is begging to go home.  
    GL with your mum and sister, but hold your ground on this one.  And besides, your BM is throwing the party - not you mum, or sister - you can always say she wants it adults only (duh!).

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  • There is no way I would take my daughter to a b-party.  I agree with whoever said that the child won't feel left out unless mom and grandma point out that she can't go.  I would flat out say no or like a PP said, tell her that you all will not sensor your conversations. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2010-weddings_bachelorette-party-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:595Discussion:698a2e19-8c4c-452c-9884-fe388b0ffa7aPost:302ddba4-a22d-4971-bb6d-cbed3b320098">Re: Bachelorette party VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only reason she would feel "left out" is if your mom and your sister complained about her being "left out" in front of her. When I was 8 I didn't know what a bachelorette party was. If they make plans to go to dinner on their own, she'll be fine. I would seriously tell your sister, "I don't feel comfortable inviting your daughter to a party where my college friends and I will be talking about blow jobs and wearing penis necklaces, not to mention the gifts of lingerie I'll be opening." Even if that's not true, let her know that a bachelorette party is a really inappropriate place for an 8 year old. A shower is fine, but not a b-party.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    THIS! exactly. i can't believe your sister & mother would even come to you with something like this..
  • swjb2010swjb2010 member
    100 Comments
    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2010-weddings_bachelorette-party-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:595Discussion:698a2e19-8c4c-452c-9884-fe388b0ffa7aPost:88515e04-a197-4687-8116-e9f9a3b1f97d">Re: Bachelorette party VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would let the 8 year old come. Its not appropriate and the conversation would have to be tempered the whole day. Not only that, but let's be honest here, the 8 year old probably isnt the one throwing a tantrum about coming. Seems like mom wants it more than the 8 year old. She'll be bored within 15 minutes. I had my friends 18 year old txt me last night asking what she should wear to my bach. First of all, I didn't have her on the guest list. 2nd her mom told her she would have to make sure it was ok, and the little girl told me she okayed herself to come. I ended up telling her she could wear whatever she wants as soon as she turns 21.
    Posted by NickDanielleB[/QUOTE]

    <div>I had to lol at that because I know my niece, and she would totally throw a tantrum about not coming even without being cajoled by my sister or mother. Especially since all of my sisters and I will be going out and presumably leaving her with my parents. She'll know she's being left out of something. This is a child who threw a fit when she found out that my parents, sisters, brother-in-law and I were playing Apples-to-Apples (which she was too young to play and understand anyway) one night after she went to bed. Of course, then we tried to play with her the next day and she freaked out because she couldn't understand the game. So, I feel fairly certain of her reaction either to not coming to the b-party, or coming and not understanding what people are talking about. Not that I think this is a reason to cater to her. I'm assuming my sister hasn't mentioned anything about it to my niece yet, and I do think my sister is smart enough to keep details about it to a minimum. At least I hope so.</div><div>
    </div><div>Anyway, thanks for all your input ladies! It's always nice to have confirmation that you're not totally crazy and out of line. :) And I do like the idea of taking time out to do something just with her. I think I'll suggest that.</div>
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  • I think that if you did the spa day where she could come, your neice would not feel left out. That is completely fair....
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  • personally....an 8 year old has no business at a batch. party.  At all.  I do not care how close she is to you.  What I think is that her mother is looking for a reason to skip out early.  Or her husband will not be around to watch her and no one in your family is stepping up to do so.  I'm sorry your family is catering to her and your sister over this. 

    If you want, you could do the spa thing with her (of course, she is going to feel left out of the conversation with you and your friends), and then ditch her after for dinner and drinks...but I don't think she should be there at all.  Period.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2010-weddings_bachelorette-party-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:595Discussion:698a2e19-8c4c-452c-9884-fe388b0ffa7aPost:b1a34d44-d7f7-431c-8324-91c46682c007">Re: Bachelorette party VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm probably going to be considered souless for this one, but screw that. As a Mother, even, there are some events in your life that should just be CHILDLESS - and your bachelorette party is definitely one of them. I'm sorry, but an eight year old's feelings do NOT trump yours on this day.  You have to alter the way you ARE around children that young.  I don't know about you, but sex comes up in the conversations I have with my adult female friends, particularly at spas or bachelorette parties.  I think you're being more than generous to even have a child in the wedding party, to be honest.  No matter how great of a kid they are, kids are just extra work. If they give you a hard time, tell them that at my first wedding, where I did give in and have a flower girl, when the kid (who was my fiance's sister) started complaining about her dress and not being a "jr. bridesmaid," I told her she would like being a flower girl, or she'd like being a guest. ;) 
    Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

    What Melissa said!  My boyrs are jr. groomsmen/ushers (11 and 6yrs old) there is no way in hell they are going to be included in the bachelor party, even though they are just going to dinner and then to a karoke bar.  We have told them that they will get to do something fun with my FI at a later date.
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  • Eight year olds are not dumb, if you tell her it is a party for grown ups and she can't come, she will understand.  I agree w/ PP, it is not the eight year old who is upset about all this.

    My eight year old niece is also my FG, she gets it.  We have to give the kids more credit!

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  • oh i am frustrated for you... like pp have said i think a a bach party is about you since you are the bride and and 8 year old has no business being there. seriously and then you extended the invite of a spa day the the grown up stuff later and that still wasn't good enough... seriously? SERIOUSLY?! this just makes me so mad because here you are trying to make everyone happy and that is still not enough... i would say spa day and no dinner for your niece you deserve to have the bach party you want and honestly i don't think that would happen if a kid is there the majority of the time.  just my opinion...
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  • Hahahaha I can just imagine this happening... at my bachelorette, we had penis necklaces and sipped our champagne from penis straws, and when we got to the club, I had to take a blow job shot... I can just picture if my neice had been with us (she's 10)... "Why is Auntie sucking on that weird shaped/colored straw?" LOL

    There's a time and a place for kids... I can't belive that mom would even want to expose her daughter to that!  My mom was covering my eyes for the "bad parts" of movies till I was like 14!  hahah
  • OMG!  No freaking way that she should be included.  I'm sure she is the most precious little eight year old darling ever, but tell them no.  This event is not about her, and the sooner she learns that she's not the center of the universe, the better.  It's also really important for her Mom and Grandma to understand that point.

    If that kid goes to school and says that she went to a bachelorette party and overheard any kind of "adult talk", the teacher would be required to refer her to the school counselor for further investigation.  I'm not kidding.  Tell your sister/Mom that you don't want her looking at ink blots with the school shrink.  It goes down easier than the truth, which is that they are spoiling the kid and being rude to you. 

    PS:  Some salons don't allow kids.  Book your fun there, then tell them that you couldn't cancel without having to pay a cancellation penalty.  Suggest that Mommy and Grandma take the kid out for ice cream, then to a bookstore while you are at the spa.  They can let the kid look at developmentally appropriate books while they look for books on how to get some spine and stand up to small children.
  • swjb2010swjb2010 member
    100 Comments
    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2010-weddings_bachelorette-party-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:595Discussion:698a2e19-8c4c-452c-9884-fe388b0ffa7aPost:13cded00-56cc-4013-a005-900917cad195">Re: Bachelorette party VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]OMG!  No freaking way that she should be included.  I'm sure she is the most precious little eight year old darling ever, but tell them no.  This event is not about her, and the sooner she learns that she's not the center of the universe, the better.  It's also really important for her Mom and Grandma to understand that point. 
    Posted by Mumkin[/QUOTE]

    <div>Your response totally made me laugh. And the bit above is <em>especially</em> true.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: Can I just add that I've already gone out of my way to make sure my niece feels useful and included in the wedding? She likes having "important jobs" to do, and since I'm having my aisle covered in flower petals, I told her that as the flower girl she would be in charge of making sure the aisle was evenly covered in petals before the ceremony (with sister's supervision of course).</div>
    image 135 Invited so far!
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    image 34 Will be missing out!
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  • THIS is why I'm glad the youngest person in my BP is 16.  No FG or RB.  There's enough drama to deal with without adding potentially unpredictable kids into the mix.

    I hope it all works out in your favor!
    ~Alissa & Frank 10.9.10~
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