Wedding Etiquette Forum

Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?

My fiance and I just got engaged and are planning a September wedding. I am planning on having my best friend be the MOH, so I thought it would be appropriate to invite her parents since I have known them for many years growing up. Inviting the parents isn't the problem... it's her boyfriend.

She has been dating this guy for about a year and a half, and it has not been pleasant. He treats her terribly and has absolutely no respect for her, her family, or friends. Her parents, sister, friends, etc have all been trying to get her to leave him but she just will not. (This is a seperate issue that I don't want to get into here).

Long story short, I want her to be my MOH but I really, really, REALLY do not want to invite him. I have been reading the other posts about the +1 issue and many say that if they are in a relationship then we pretty much have to let them have the +1. I'm also afraid that if he does come he will cause drama with her parents and our other friends because no one likes the idea of them being together.

Call me a bridezilla, but I feel like this is my wedding so I should be able to invite, or not invite, anyone that I choose. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

Re: Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?

  • libby2483libby2483 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-someone-you-dont-want-to-come-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c59beb24-12bd-430e-bb7b-1c997847fe8aPost:00b0f862-5e82-41e3-b8a4-c7d579da0818">Re:Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You be the bigger person and invite him. Anything else makes you look really bad and risks losing her friendship forever. Is it worth that to you?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yep. One of my close friends was dating a girl that was terrible for him and that I very much disliked.  However, I didn't even consider not inviting her to the wedding, because she was his SO, which meant she was important to him.  They ended up breaking up between the time invitations went out and the wedding, so it turned out not to be an issue.  But, I'm sure glad that I didn't strain our friendship by excluding her.</div>
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would have declined being in a wedding if someone excluded my DH when we were just dating. As a friend I would NEVER put my friend in a position.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Be excluding him, you'll be punishing your friend.  She doesn't deserve to be treatedly badly on both sides.  Be her safe haven, show her how people SHOULD treat each other.  

    Maybe she'll eventually wake up and tell him buzz off.  If not, then she'll still have an open friendship she knows she can take shelter in, where she doesn't have to defend herself, or be judged.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • You must invite him for etiquette purposes but also do your friendship. Your friend will probably be hurt if you do NOT invite him. Do you really want to risk having her bow out over it?


    If you are worried, have your MOH and her bf sit at a different table then the parents..It might be odd, but it might also avoid drama, as well
  • You're going to make her choose between you and her serious boyfriend and you're going to loose. No matter what, the friendship will never be the same. She might smile and bare it, but she's going to be hurt. You have to decide if that's worth it to you. There's no way I would do that to someone I call a friend. 

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think you're stuck inviting him but you're not stuck allowing him to stay if he behaves badly.  Designate someone to observe him and if necessary escort him out.  +1's do not have the right to behave rudely or obnoxiously and expect to stay-not even if they're dating the MOH.  You might also give your MOH a heads-up that bad behavior from him won't be tolerated.
  • rajahmdrajahmd Galifrey member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    My (former) best friend got married this past October. She invited me, but refused to invite my fiance until after she got RSVP's back because her family (who paid for the wedding) wanted to limit the guest list to 75. It hurt a lot that she considered a little bit of money more important than my feelings and my relationship. That's part of the reason why we aren't friends anymore. Be the bigger person and think of your friend. Not inviting him would only give him ammo to potentially separate her from her friends further. Don't let your wedding be a factor in the potential end of a close friendship.
    Anniversary
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-someone-you-dont-want-to-come-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c59beb24-12bd-430e-bb7b-1c997847fe8aPost:446308c2-19b9-4153-a617-366eaba9173e">Re:Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?: NO ONE has the right to behave badly at a wedding, whether they are close to the couple or a guest of a guest. Hell, we had a contingency plan for removing my FATHER if he decided to show up wearing his asshat. That has nothing to do with "plus ones".
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Where did I say that it didn't apply to anyone else besides plus ones?  Quit looking for reasons to get pissed off.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-someone-you-dont-want-to-come-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c59beb24-12bd-430e-bb7b-1c997847fe8aPost:f95e5801-abaa-44fd-b564-98425e927656">Re: Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would have declined being in a wedding if someone excluded my DH when we were just dating. As a friend I would NEVER put my friend in a position.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    <div>This. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • In Response to Re:Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?:In Response to Re:Inviting someone you don't want to come to the wedding?: NO ONE has the right to behave badly at a wedding, whether they are close to the couple or a guest of a guest. Hell, we had a contingency plan for removing my FATHER if he decided to show up wearing his asshat. That has nothing to do with "plus ones".Posted by StageManager14Where did I say that it didn't apply to anyone else besides plus ones?nbsp; Quit looking for reasons to get pissed off. Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    Lol this.
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  • Invite the fool since she's your bestie...im going through this now and I'm inviting the fool but if drama occurs, have him thrown out and continue ur day as planned
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  • sierraberry32sierraberry32 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited December 2012
    My dads wedding gift to me was going to be a gun, most likely a 22, that I could discretely strap to my thigh. What a great way to avoid the future IL's drama! ;)
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  • My best friend is getting invited to my wedding but I really don't like her BF.  My fiance and I decided that only people who are married or have life partners are getting the +1 invite.  If she has a problem wiht it talk to her and say something that makes it sound like you would really like him there but you had to save the room for family and people who are really close to you.  My fiance and I have been practicing the line "There just wasn't enough room to have our entire family and a bunch of friends, I'm  sorry."  It has worked so far and no one has made too much of a fuss.  
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