Moms and Maids

Engaged bridesmaids.....

I have a question about how you should answer when a bridesmaid gets engaged and is either A: asking you how much things cost, or B: bragging about the cost of her wedding. 
Two of my bridesmaids have gotten engaged after I asked them to be in my wedding.  One of them is basically excited for me, I'm excited for her, we talk about how great The Knot is, etc. :)  The other is all about how much things cost.  She wanted to know how much my engagement ring cost and the total carot.  I said I didn't know (I don't want to know, it doesnt matter to me, my ring is perfect for me) and she then said "Well, my diamond is bigger than yours so mine must be more carots".   She compared our Christmas gifts from our fiances.  She is having a wedding for 270+ at someplace very expensive, I am having a wedding for 70 at a boutique-y hotel.  She wants to know how much I spent for everything!  

Also, she is bragging to me about how much her family and her fiances family are contributing to their wedding (they are basically paying for the whole thing) and that her parents are also paying for their honeymoon.  My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves.  My mom is buying my wedding dress so I picked out a beautiful gown from Davids Bridal that costs less than $1000.  Her dress is going to be from a boutique and she said she will try to stay under $5000.   

I don't want to be put in the position of competing for the most expensive wedding, but she is bringing out the worst in me by forcing me into it.  I don't answer her questions about money.  But it is getting harder and harder to not be snarky.  For me it is about planning a day that reflects me and my fiance.  It is about quality over quantity.  But I can't help feeling bad when she talks about how "cheap" the dresses are at David Bridal, and how my wedding will be "so small and cute". 

Also- I love my bridesmaid and I don't want to cut ties with her.  We have been friends for a long time.  She has asked me to be in her wedding, and she always asks how my wedding planning is coming along, and she wants to be involved.  In every other way but this she is the perfect bridesmaid!

How would you ladies reply to questions about cost, size, etc?  What should I say when she says that my wedding gown doesn't "look cheap" (with a tone of surprise?) 

Oh- and I am not jealous.  My fiance and I could afford to have a huge wedding if we wanted- we choose not to.  I could have gotten an expensive gown, but I chose not too because I wanted to give my parents a break. 

Thanks!
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Re: Engaged bridesmaids.....

  • edited December 2011
    She is being a bitch.  And she can't "force [you] into" anything.  Refuse to engage in conversations about the cost, end of story.  It doesn't matter.
  • edited December 2011
    If she is a good enough friend to be a BM, I hope that you can have an honest conversation with her. 

    "Our weddings are going to be different.  We are two different people with different tastes and different budgets.  I am happy to talk about wedding planning and ideas, but I'd rather not talk about costs.  I don't want this to feel like a competition of whose wedding costs more."
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Engaged bridesmaids.....:
    I have a question about how you should answer when a bridesmaid gets engaged and is either A: asking you how much things cost, or B: bragging about the cost of her wedding.  Two of my bridesmaids have gotten engaged after I asked them to be in my wedding.  One of them is basically excited for me, I'm excited for her, we talk about how great The Knot is, etc. :)  The other is all about how much things cost.  She wanted to know how much my engagement ring cost and the total carot.  I said I didn't know (I don't want to know, it doesnt matter to me, my ring is perfect for me) and she then said "Well, my diamond is bigger than yours so mine must be more carots".   She compared our Christmas gifts from our fiances.  She is having a wedding for 270+ at someplace very expensive, I am having a wedding for 70 at a boutique-y hotel.  She wants to know how much I spent for everything!   Also, she is bragging to me about how much her family and her fiances family are contributing to their wedding (they are basically paying for the whole thing) and that her parents are also paying for their honeymoon.  My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves.  My mom is buying my wedding dress so I picked out a beautiful gown from Davids Bridal that costs less than $1000.  Her dress is going to be from a boutique and she said she will try to stay under $5000.    I don't want to be put in the position of competing for the most expensive wedding, but she is bringing out the worst in me by forcing me into it.  I don't answer her questions about money.  But it is getting harder and harder to not be snarky.  For me it is about planning a day that reflects me and my fiance.  It is about quality over quantity.  But I can't help feeling bad when she talks about how "cheap" the dresses are at David Bridal, and how my wedding will be "so small and cute".  Also- I love my bridesmaid and I don't want to cut ties with her.  We have been friends for a long time.  She has asked me to be in her wedding, and she always asks how my wedding planning is coming along, and she wants to be involved.  In every other way but this she is the perfect bridesmaid! How would you ladies reply to questions about cost, size, etc?  What should I say when she says that my wedding gown doesn't "look cheap" (with a tone of surprise?)  Oh- and I am not jealous.  My fiance and I could afford to have a huge wedding if we wanted- we choose not to.  I could have gotten an expensive gown, but I chose not too because I wanted to give my parents a break.  Thanks!
    Posted by Davesgrl2011
    Wow. Talk about self absorbed, she definitely is out of line as a friend to call your BM dresses "cheap" and personally, friend or not, I would have called her out on it. 

    Anyway, I would start mastering the old but always useful, "Bean Dip" routine aka changing the subject, she will eventually get it that you don't want to hear her blab about how much her wedding is going to be and someone else paying for it. Also I would avoid ALL discussion of your wedding to her so she can't make rude comments again. 

    So basic conversation:

    BM: Yeah, I just picked out these 100 stem roses centerpieces that will cost X amount. It's going to look awesome for my "vision". Did you decide on what you are doing yet?
    You: That's great. I'm still looking, so many options out there. But yeah, have you seen the new preview for the new Pirates movie?

    If she tries to switch back to wedding stuff, just keep giving general simple answers and keep changing the topic. 

    Don't let yourself get warped in thinking you need to outdo her. Be proud that you and your FI are paying for your own and taking responsibility of saving, budgeting, etc. Stuff like this makes you more independent and can tackle other big things like houses, cars, etc in the future. In the end all of wedding is about marrying the person you love, and that is one thing no person can outdo. 

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, I'm a fan of "I can't imagine why you'd need to know that.  Why do you ask?" routine.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Engaged bridesmaids.....:
    BM: Yeah, I just picked out these 100 stem roses centerpieces that will cost X amount. It's going to look awesome for my "vision". Did you decide on what you are doing yet? You: That's great. I'm still looking, so many options out there. But yeah, have you seen the new preview for the new Pirates movie? If she tries to switch back to wedding stuff, just keep giving general simple answers and keep changing the topic.  Posted by AutumnFair
    This.

    One of my BMs feels the need to compete at everything in life - she always has. She's a great person otherwise. I change the subject every time I feel a "I'm so much better than you" comparison coming.....or I let her win and remind myself how much more fabulous I am as a person because I don't feel the need to "win" at something petty. Take the high road dearie, you'll be glad you did. =)
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with pps-- if it makes you uncomfortable, don't engage with her. I would even suggest that you outrightly tell her that you don't want to talk about money with her. Tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable and move on in the conversation. She sounds very insecure-- don't let her play these games.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm in sort of a reverse situation.  My parents are paying for my wedding, but my BM and the best man paid for their own.  FI and I are keeping our mouths shut about the money aspect.  Under no circumstances do we want them to feel uncomfortable.  Our dj costs more than their entire wedding, but they have no need to know that.

    Your friend is being rude.  Try saying something like, "I'd rather not discuss money.  We are not in a competition.  Our weddings will be different, but they will both be lovely."
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Engaged bridesmaids.....:
    Yeah, I'm a fan of "I can't imagine why you'd need to know that.  Why do you ask?" routine.
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  • becunning2becunning2
    1000 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    I like the "I can't imagine" routine as well--but if you've already engaged in some conversations with her about cost, it would be really odd for you to do an about face on the matter. 

    Why not something a little more subtle the first time (if you have indeed talked about some costs associated with your wedding, if not, I can't imagine trumps all):

    "You know, bridesmaid turned bridezilla [please substitute proper name], I know we've talked about finances before... but I'm increasingly uncomfortable talking about it now. I'm so glad to have had you to discuss wedding details with--but the price tag is a detail I'm no longer willing to discuss."

    ...if she persists, ask her about that bean dip (hehe) or be more frank with a firm "there's no reasonf or you to know how much I spent on my flowers..."

  • KnibletKniblet
    2500 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I'm a fan of "I can't imagine why you'd need to know that.  Why do you ask?" routine.
    Posted by deepcovejackie
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  • trix1223trix1223
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    edited December 2011
    becunning:  great advice! 
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    I like the approaches edielaura suggested.  I think that if you do the "I don't feel the need to flaunt" or "why do you ask?" the offending BM will be taken aback, and it will be clear that she's treading in inappropriate waters.  Especially as far as friends are concerned, I believe that direct is better.  GL!
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, don't use the bean dip until you've already told her enough is enough. Clearly indicate that price is not something you're interested in talking about - because unless you're clear that it's not a topic up for conversation then it's partly your fault too whenever it becomes one - and then if she can't shake it loose start the bean dip. After repeating, "I'm sorry, but I've already told you I don't feel comfortable talking about that. Yummmm bean dip!"
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  • jemmini6jemmini6
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    I'd probably be blunt and say "It's really not important how much we are spending.  We clearly have different tastes & priorities for our weddings, so I really don't think discussing finances is going to help either of our planning."  If you want to go one step further to be extra snarky, you could add "because I don't have to flaunt how much money I'm spending to make myself feel better about the fact that my marriage will probably fail within the first year."  (YI would obviously never say that last part, but I always feel that people who put so much importance on how much they are spending and more importantly, making sure that everyone else knows how much they are spending, tend to have the shortest marriages.  It generally has nothing to do with the money, but everything to do with their need to feel superior and that something they have is better than everyone else...which is generally not their marriage).

    Anyways OP, just try to avoid talking about finances and if she always seems to make it a competition, just let her know that you aren't competing and you couldn't be more thrilled with the wedding you are planning.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Engaged bridesmaids.....:
    In Response to Re: Engaged bridesmaids..... : This. One of my BMs feels the need to compete at everything in life - she always has. She's a great person otherwise. I change the subject every time I feel a "I'm so much better than you" comparison coming.....or I let her win and remind myself how much more fabulous I am as a person because I don't feel the need to "win" at something petty. Take the high road dearie, you'll be glad you did. =)
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  • discordiasadiscordiasa
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Engaged bridesmaids.....:
    The next time she brings up money (if you have the nerve) I would say something like, "That's nice, but FI and I don't feel the need to flaunt how much money we have". At least that's what I would do.  Or just make a blank face at her and she might realize how dumb she sounds.
    Posted by edielaura

    I would say the same thing! It is none of her business how much you and your fiance are spending. Me and my fiance are paying for our wedding, and what we decide to spend is no one's business but our own. Good luck! (:
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