Needed: advise on in-laws who hate each other.

bbrujah42 · May 2012

ok, so the basic run down goes like this... my Fi's parents got devorced in a very nastey and public way and as such (although they have both remarried) they continue to hate each other with a seething passion that can be felt in the room. They have both agreed not to start any drama at the wedding.

In an effort to make things easy and much less stressful, I am considering having a brunch with my parents and one set of the in-laws, then the rehersal and set up of the ceremony site, follwed by dinner with my parents and the other set of in-laws. As thoes involved will be paying for their own meals I would opened it up for our BM/GMs to be at either or both meals and of course at the rehersal itself.

Am I trying to cram too much into too short a period of time or does this sould acceptable in the efforts of.. well... keeping the drama to a minium?

We are also forgoing his dance with his mom since he views both women as his mom and don't want to deal with a hissy fit. ( IE /> "You're not his mother" stuff)

MyUserName1 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_needed-advise-on-in-laws-who-hate-each-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09b56639-d030-427d-b9de-61400e5cf069Post:6f66fb1d-c418-4615-85a8-94b9c30241bc">Needed: advise on in-laws who hate each other.</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, so the basic run down goes like this... my Fi's parents got devorced in a very nastey and public way and as such (although they have both remarried) they continue to hate each other with a seething passion that can be felt in the room. They have both agreed not to start any drama at the wedding. In an effort to make things easy and much less stressful, I am considering having a brunch with my parents and one set of the in-laws, then the rehersal and set up of the ceremony site, follwed by dinner with my parents and the other set of in-laws. <strong>As thoes involved will be paying for their own meals I would opened it up for our BM/GMs to be at either or both meals and of course at the rehersal itself. </strong>Am I trying to cram too much into too short a period of time or does this sould acceptable in the efforts of.. well... keeping the drama to a minium? We are also forgoing his dance with his mom since he views both women as his mom and don't want to deal with a hissy fit. ( IE /> "You're not his mother" stuff)
Posted by bbrujah42[/QUOTE]

<div>You need to host. It's extremely tacky to make your families and bridal party pay for their own meal at your rehearsal dinner or brunch.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, there's a spell check. Use it.</div>

crnflkgirl75 · May 2012

We had a similar situation. Here's the thing: they are all adults. Treat them that way. Do rehearsal then one dinner. They can put up with each other for a few hours. If they can't then they are being immature.

Meegles4 · May 2012

Yes, you're trying to cram too much in, IMO just to accommodate these people. Host one rehearsal and one meal. Whether that's a brunch, lunch or dinner is up to you and the timing of the rehearsal.

I also gree with what MUN1 says, you need to pay for people's meals. The RD is a thank you for attending the rehearsal, so you need to pay and the WP should be invited to one. I wouldn't saddle them and your parents with both.

As cornflake said, they're adults. They agreed not to cause drama at the wedding, this should include all wedding-related activities, i.e. the rehearsal.

bbrujah42 · May 2012

we simply can not afford to pay for the meals for everyone who will be there... it is simply not in our budget. and EVERYONE involved knows this... so however tacky it might seem to someone who has more means, the situation is understood and has been accepted.

Crnflk: but they do not act like adults when they are put into the same room with each other... we've already inlisted my mother (who is wonderfully tactful in dealing with situations like this) at dealing with any drama that may happen there. but while i don't want to play ref. i also cant ask anyone else to play ref.

would a sit-down conversation with both sets individually be out of line to outline how i would prefer them to act at the rehersal and the wedding itself?

Meegles4 · May 2012

OP - You don't have to host steak and lobster. A pizza party is fine. Or a barbeque at your house. But you need to host something. Your WP is already spending a lot of money and time to be in your wedding. In this specific instance, they have to take time to attend your rehearsal. The least you can do is thank them with a meal. Again, it could be a slice of pizza.

Also, you've already said they don't act like adults but that they have agreed to for your wedding. So, that includes the rehersal and dinner. Sure, sit down with them and reiterate what you've already talked about re: behavior at the wedding. But I'd hope they realize that when they agreed to not be douchey, that applied to all wedding events, not just the 6 hours you'll be in a white dress.

ETA: If they do happen to throw any fits at the rehearsal or wedding itself, that reflects poorly on them. You can ask them to behave, but they're adults and they'll do what they want in the end. If something bad happens, I promise you you'll be so happy on your wedding day that you'll just roll your eyes and move on...and your other guests will think they're crazy, not you.

andrea2473 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_needed-advise-on-in-laws-who-hate-each-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09b56639-d030-427d-b9de-61400e5cf069Post:4c0625c5-6ead-4f4d-bdfa-ce0a042c6f25">Re: Needed: advise on in-laws who hate each other.</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>we simply can not afford to pay for the meals for everyone who will be there... it is simply not in our budget</strong>. and EVERYONE involved knows this... so however tacky it might seem to someone who has more means, the situation is understood and has been accepted. Crnflk: but they do not act like adults when they are put into the same room with each other... we've already inlisted my mother (who is wonderfully tactful in dealing with situations like this) at dealing with any drama that may happen there. but while i don't want to play ref. i also cant ask anyone else to play ref. would a sit-down conversation with both sets individually be out of line to outline how i would prefer them to act at the rehersal and the wedding itself?
Posted by bbrujah42[/QUOTE]

If you can't afford to host a RD, then you shouldn't "host" one. Which means you would need to forego the rehearsal as well.
And if you do it anyway, then only have one. Why have two dinners if you can't afford one? That doesn't make any sense.

JaxInBlue · May 2012

Ditto PPs. You could just have rehearsl and one meal (either before or after), and you need to host whatever you can afford for the number of people attending - pizza, party trays, hot dogs and hamburgers, whatever is in your budget. The rehearsal dinner/meal is an acknowledgement of the effort people made to be part of your day and they shouldn't be required to pay, particularly if they are also volunteering labor that day.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2012

This is how we worked it out:

My dad and his GF met my in-laws for drinks on Friday.
My mom and her husband met my in-laws for breakfast on Saturday.
EVERYONE went to the HOSTED rehearsal dinner on Saturday night (there will be more people there than just parents, so this is fine - we had about 40 people).
EVERYONE went to the wedding. My parents sat at different tables.

You either host a rehearsal dinner or you just don't have a rehearsal.

arrestclementine · June 2012

Seriously spell check is your friend... agree with pp if you're having a rd please pay fir their meals otherwise don't have one

bonge · June 2012

Why does everyone think rehearsal dinners have to be all done up in restaurants where it is 30pp?

I am having a pizza & beer party for less than 200 for 25 ppl, if you cant even afford that then no rehearsal dinner is needed

rmp4996 · June 2012

She didn't ask about spelling, so why does anyone feel the need to correct slight spelling errors that are made? If you want to harp on spelling, be an English teacher and correct your students who care. Also, if you are going to write a bitchy post like "seriously, spell check is your friend" then you ahould also proof read your post, because YOU sound silly telling someone to use spell check when you write "please pay fir their meals" (amber0389).

arrestclementine · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_needed-advise-on-in-laws-who-hate-each-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09b56639-d030-427d-b9de-61400e5cf069Post:0b7c4c1a-79a8-4aea-8c33-0a4552a9eca3">Re: Needed: advise on in-laws who hate each other.</a>:
[QUOTE]She didn't ask about spelling, so why does anyone feel the need to correct slight spelling errors that are made? If you want to harp on spelling, be an English teacher and correct your students who care. Also, if you are going to write a bitchy post like "seriously, spell check is your friend" then you <em><strong>ahould </strong></em>also proof read your post, because YOU sound silly telling someone to use spell check when you write "please pay fir their meals" (amber0389).
Posted by rmp4996[/QUOTE]

I'm so sorry. I mistyped one word. You see there is this neat little feature the TK has. It has an ABC with a check mark on it, also known as a spell check. But it REALLY makes it VERY difficult to read a post that every other word is misspelled.

And I'm sorry could you please explain what <span style="font-weight:bold;">ahould</span> is? We all make a mistake or two - but the original post, well it is just awful.

Needed: advise on in-laws who hate each other.

Re: Needed: advise on in-laws who hate each other.

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