Venting

kleslater · February 2012

So I realize I'm putting myself out there to vent on here, but I have a rule about not venting to family about my fiance. So this past week we were supposed to go to a birthday party together last night, I didn't really want to go, with so much coming up (we are 30 days out from the big day), I just wanted to relax with our daughter. But he made a deal about it, so I got a sitter......then he said nevermind I made plans with "the guys". Whatever....I was irritated. But I had a blast yesterday with our little girl. Her and I left the house around 3pm and got home at 8, stayed up til 11 watching a movie.

At 7am I am woken up by our dog going nuts, coming to find out my lovely fiance is just getting home. I say "uh, are you just getting home??" He says, "I sent you a text". WTF? So I go check my phone, text at 5am telling me where he is. At another friends house.

Now backstory, him and I literally barely ever fight, about anything. We have our annoyances with each other from time to time, but we get over them easily. So when he comes upstairs, and goes to hug me I am fuming. I told him the behavior was unacceptable, for no reason should he be out until 7am. We are in our 30's for crying out loud. If I stayed out that late, my stuff would be waiting on the front porch, no doubt.

I am by no means a nagging, bitchy girl....but I kinda think I have a right to be pissed off!!!! Okay, be nice ladies, any other advice on how to handle the situation. Because his response to my calmly telling him I was unhappy (as I am not going to yell at him in front of our little girl), was to go back downstairs and go to sleep....because obviously its rough to party like a rock start. GRRR.

cheeseandrice · February 2012

Does he make a habit of staying out all night? Or is he normally a responsible person and this was a one-time thing? It sounds like it was an impromptu last-night out kind of thing, so I'd leave it be.

I think you're well within your rights to be annoyed (I would too), especially if he didn't update you at all until 5am. But, let him know why you're upset and move on from it. If this isn't a normal occurrence, I wouldn't turn it into a huge deal, you know?

cheeseandrice · February 2012

I missed that line, Edie. OP- are you saying your FI would kick you out if you stayed out until 7 am one night?

ZombieNates · February 2012

I wouldn't be annoyed at him getting home at 7. Please, when I go out with my friends, I do the same.

I would be annoyed at him not updating me until 5 am, though, because I get worried about him when he's out and I like to know a general idea of where he is.

I think the oddest part of your post is when you said that if you did the same, your stuff would be packed and outside. Really? Because then I'd be annoyed at the deeper issue of double standard than just one night out. Is that what you're annoyed at?

kleslater · February 2012

Yes, by all means this is not a common occurance. I am not the type of girl who would willingly put up with that kind of behavior on a regular basis.

I don't think he would literally kick me out, but he probably wouldn't speak to me for about 10 days. But regardless I wouldn't do that, because I think its blatantly disrespectful.

ZombieNates · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_venting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:833a31c7-7a4d-46cb-8d0e-a46e0380b7bcPost:a3198b13-2fc0-42bd-a4d4-01ff4cc594cb">Re: Venting</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, by all means this is not a common occurance. I am not the type of girl who would willingly put up with that kind of behavior on a regular basis. I don't think he would literally kick me out, but he probably wouldn't speak to me for about 10 days. But regardless I wouldn't do that, because I think its blatantly disrespectful.
Posted by kleslater[/QUOTE]
Well, then I can see why you'd be annoyed. The real issue is that he finds it okay to behave in a way you find completely disrespectful yet would string you up for the same behavior. Assuming he has always known how you feel about this, I'd be pissed.

What is he doing now? SLeeping? I'd wait until I cooled down a little and he had a chance to wake up, then I'd address the situation with him.

rickinicki · February 2012

Like the above posters, I'd be pretty annoyed if he waited until 5am to update you. That's just ridiculous. But if it's a one time offense I say let him know it's unacceptable and then move on.

kleslater · February 2012

Thanks for all the advice, ladies......it will be hard to let it slide. But I know I will get over it. I guess I was just wanting some sort of remorse or apology out of him. He knows he's wrong, and I guess in typical male fashion, is going to have a hard time spitting out "I'm sorry". I'm sure he will apologize, but I have to wait....after 5 years, I know how he works.

He's just lucky I'm not a "i will get you back for this one later" type girl, since my girls night is only a couple weeks away! lol

celticmyss · February 2012

I'd much prefer FH came home at 7am than have him drive home drunk. I would be pissed if he waited until 5am to update me though.

The double standard is a bigger issue to me.

chirpchirp · February 2012

Yeah, I understand that you're upset but not all men have a problem apologizing when they're in the wrong and they know it.

pixiedust84 · February 2012

I wouldn't be mad about the 7am thing. H and I do that too. However I think if we had a child it would annoy me. I agree with DJ, definitely don't let him off the hook today from parenting because he's tired. I would also be annoyed at the double standard and at the fact that you guys made plans and he completely ditched you. That is pretty rude and would hurt my feelings.

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_venting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:833a31c7-7a4d-46cb-8d0e-a46e0380b7bcPost:e9c5c2ce-0c4b-4671-8ffe-d37fc5e5cb92">Re: Venting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting : Well, then I can see why you'd be annoyed. The real issue is that he finds it okay to behave in a way you find completely disrespectful yet would string you up for the same behavior. Assuming he has always known how you feel about this, I'd be pissed. What is he doing now? SLeeping? I'd wait until I cooled down a little and he had a chance to wake up, then I'd address the situation with him.
Posted by ZombieNates[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'm not really understanding how you're not seeing the REAL issue here.

J&K10910 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_venting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:833a31c7-7a4d-46cb-8d0e-a46e0380b7bcPost:a99db78b-ff46-4a62-934b-97ac41151022">Re: Venting</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be mad about the 7am thing. H and I do that too. However I think if we had a child it would annoy me. I agree with DJ, definitely don't let him off the hook today from parenting because he's tired. I would also be annoyed at the double standard and <strong>at the fact that you guys made plans and he completely ditched you. That is pretty rude and would hurt my feelings.</strong>
Posted by pixiedust84[/QUOTE]

This too. Especialyl since your plans were solid enough that you HIRED A BABYSITTER.

mizutamababy · February 2012

I wouldn't care so much that DH stayed out all night if we had nothing planned/there wasn't something he was supposed to do around the house, but it would upset me if he ditched our set in stone plans to do so.

If/when you do talk I'd present it in the same way you presented it to us... If you were to do the same he'd be worried sick and not happy at all if on top of that you were too thoughtless to send a text letting you know what was going on before 5 a.m. And as other PPs said no get of our parenting free card for the day just because he got plastered.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

I agree, it's not what he did, it's how he did it. He ditched you, didn't check in till 5 am, and did something he would freak out if you did.

If it's still bothering you, maybe just talk to him and tell him how you feel. It was a one time thing, so try not to hold it over his head. It could just be a fluke.

kleslater · February 2012

UPDATE

After I cooled down for a couple hours and did some work, I woke him up. I calmly let him know that I didn't want to argue and I was willing to drop it, however I did also feel it was disrespectful behavior. I told him that he could argue it all he wanted but if I had behaved the same way, he would have been entirely more upset than I had been. I felt he was getting off easy, because I am a rational person.

He agreed and apologize. He assured me that by no means did he mean to upset me, he was having a good time with the guys and hadn't gotten to do so in awhile. He understood my concerns, got his butt off the couch, and did his daddy duties for the day while I took a well deserved nap!

Yaaaay! Now we can go back to normalcy. Thanks again for all your thoughts! Definitely helped to vent and get kind advice!

polichik · February 2012

I have a problem letting men of the hook for apologizing because they're men. If DH pulled something like that, he'd certainly apologize, and he'd expect me to do the same. Not being able to admit when you mess up is a pretty big problem. I'd be furious if DH did that, and we're in our mid 20's with no children. It's a respect issue, and his not checking in is compounded by his refusal to accept responsibility for doing something really selfish. Also, if he would ever legitimately not speak to you for 10 days (or even 2 days) over anything, please rethink things with him. That's really, really unhealthy and not a good sign.

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