Hurt feelings

kelle017 · March 2011

Now I know that all my bridesmaid has to do is show up dressed to the wedding. I get that.
I still have hurt feelings. She told me the other day she won't make it to my bachelorette party because she is to busy. She has a shower to go to that day at like noon. The party doesn't start until 6:30, and we are only going out to dinner and hanging out at my sisters.
I was pretty low key about dresses. I just picked the color. She didn't order the dress until late Jan. This after she asked if she could just wear slacks and a button down top.
For shoes, I just said black. She asked if she could actually wear tennis shoes because they were black. Payless has black shoes for under $20. I'll even buy them for her.
She hasn't once asked for help. I get that it's not a requirement of the bridesmaid, but it would have been nice. The other BM have. Even the one who lives out of state has helped more.
She never calls me to ask how things are going. I have to call her to tell her things. We've been friends, although maybe not so much anymore, since for 20+ years.
I kind of regret asking her, but FI wanted even numbers, and she is my oldest friend so I thought things would be fine.
Oh well.....lesson learned.
And in 15 days none of this will matter.

sonyamariedee · April 2011

maybe the reason she doesn't want to go to the bachelorette party is because she's pregnant and would feel uncomfortable? not sure if that's the situation, but just a suggestion as to what she could be feeling.

also, being pregnant really tires you out, so maybe going to one party for the day is too exhausting for her body to handle right now.

jemmini6 · April 2011

She's pregnant and has a lot going on and is probably pretty tired all the time. Baby trumps wedding every.single.time. Have you talked to her about her pregnancy and shown excitement for her? Or is all you talk about is your wedding and get upset because she's not excited for you?

I have 2 bridesmaids (one being my sister) who just had a baby in the last month (my nephew was just born on Tues). They don't call to see how my wedding planning is going, they don't offer to help with any projects, even when we do talk, they don't ask about my wedding at all. You know why? Because they JUST HAD A BABY! That's way more important and I'm way more excited for their new additions than I am for my wedding. And guess what, I don't regret having them in my wedding or question our friendship because their every second doesn't revolve around me. They are my friends/family and I love them because of who they are, not how much they fawn over me because I'm getting married...

MeeJay22 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:59c6bf7b-5cd5-4ac6-adbf-2ec72683374fPost:f1e4ba04-7f9e-4b07-a3e7-88fe262125e0">Re: Hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE] Unless your BM has some sort of physical or mental health issue that prevents her from wearing a dress and heels I think you are absolutely right to feel bummed. I would understand not showing up to the bachelorette party and even not helping out with wedding activities- people are busy. But it sounds like you have been fairly understanding.... Have you asked her why she wanted to wear something else? Is she really trying to wear what she already owns?
Posted by MeeJay22[/QUOTE]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Ignore all that. The fact that she's pregnant changes the whole game and that you forgot to mention this was the reason- means you already know what you want to do- you are just looking for validation.

sklink0486 · April 2011

Couple of things:

It would have been helpful and explain a lot if you would have mentioned that she was pregnant in the original post.

If she's pregnant and also has a shower to attend that day- i completely understand why she might not feel comfortable coming and/or will be too exhausted. Most bachelorrette parties I've been too involve a lot of drinking and "single" type things that would make me probably feel uncomfortable if I was pregnant too- wouldn't be much fun either watching everyone else drink.

She probably hasn't asked if you need help A) because it sounds like she has always been that way

Because she is trying to make plans for her baby

Also, you DID say that you asked her so that you could have even sides and because she has been a friend for 20+ years and you thought it would be "fine"- so you really asked her to have even sides....she may not know that, but knowing that yourself, you shouldn't hold her to too high of expectations including the fact that she is pregnant.

hdb322 · April 2011

I think most of these women in the post must have had a VERY casual weddings. Yes, make the concession for flats- the girl's pregnant. But in my wedding it is a very formal affair, and I am am spending alot of money on these people! The least they could do was wear a nice dress. And this day is one of the most important in your life, your friends should make a big deal out of it. and especially your BMs should make an even bigger deal! You are including them in this important event and if they don't appreciate that you CHOSE them, then I understand. Yes its a big deal that she's pregnant, but youll be right there when it's her day! So she should do the same for you! It's give and take people. Weddings are JUST as important as babies, c'mon.

xkelbel06 · April 2011

no. wedding =/= bringing a new baby into the world.

baby will ALWAYS trump weddings. ALWAYS.

LD1970 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:59c6bf7b-5cd5-4ac6-adbf-2ec72683374fPost:f1c021c8-3a0e-4708-94da-0c1db675c74f">Re: Hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]no. wedding =/= bringing a new baby into the world. baby will ALWAYS trump weddings. ALWAYS.
Posted by xkelbel06[/QUOTE]
Why? For those of us who don't plan to have babies, babies don't trump ANYTHING. Maybe that's YOUR priority scheme, but it certainly isn't everyone's.

hdb322 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:59c6bf7b-5cd5-4ac6-adbf-2ec72683374fPost:f1c021c8-3a0e-4708-94da-0c1db675c74f">Re: Hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]no. wedding =/= bringing a new baby into the world. baby will ALWAYS trump weddings. ALWAYS.
Posted by xkelbel06[/QUOTE]

So you don't think that marrying your best friend and the love of your life is just as important? They are the person you chose to have kids with, and that amazing family! I understand that in this day in age, the idea of marriage is not the 'end all be all' for most, but your marriage is supposed to be for forever. It's a commitment to that ONE person you chose to enjoy your life, family and bliss with. I think that's pretty dang important. And when I have our first child together it will be MORE special b/c he was apart of it. Isn't that the point of a baby? To add to the love. It's all about celebrating special moments for people and that means different things to different people. Some choose the family and marriage, others choose academia- it doesn't make either field less important. And true friends understand whats special for you and support you and your happiness. Whatever it may be.

But we are going off on a tangent here.

Queen Jane · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:59c6bf7b-5cd5-4ac6-adbf-2ec72683374fPost:7f860a04-ddae-4beb-9570-a95e9564e8c6">Re: Hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE] I think most of these women in the post must have had a VERY casual weddings. Yes, make the concession for flats- the girl's pregnant. But in my wedding it is a very formal affair, and I am am spending alot of money on these people! The least they could do was wear a nice dress. And this day is one of the most important in your life, your friends should make a big deal out of it. and especially your BMs should make an even bigger deal! You are including them in this important event and if they don't appreciate that you CHOSE them, then I understand. Yes its a big deal that she's pregnant, but youll be right there when it's her day! So she should do the same for you! It's give and take people. Weddings are JUST as important as babies, c'mon.
Posted by hdb322[/QUOTE]

Weddings are one day. Pregnancies are 280 days (long and difficult ones at that). Then there's, ya know, the rest of the baby's entire life to take care of. Two parties in one day while pregnant would put me recuperating for a week. If this BM was selected just to make even sides (which is wrong in itself), I don't really see the big deal. And when you actually go through pregnancy and birth a child (should you choose to do so), it will probably make more sense why babies trump weddings. A wedding (not "marriage") is a party, a celebration of the marriage that took place. The marriage is not any less valid if someone shows up in a pair of slacks, especially a pregnant bridesmaid. And we don't know that OP will be there when the baby is born.

jemmini6 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:59c6bf7b-5cd5-4ac6-adbf-2ec72683374fPost:7f860a04-ddae-4beb-9570-a95e9564e8c6">Re: Hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE] I think most of these women in the post must have had a VERY casual weddings. Yes, make the concession for flats- the girl's pregnant. But in my wedding it is a very formal affair, and I am am spending alot of money on these people! The least they could do was wear a nice dress. And this day is one of the most important in your life, your friends should make a big deal out of it. and especially your BMs should make an even bigger deal! You are including them in this important event and if they don't appreciate that you CHOSE them, then I understand. Yes its a big deal that she's pregnant, but youll be right there when it's her day! So she should do the same for you! It's give and take people. Weddings are JUST as important as babies, c'mon.
Posted by hdb322[/QUOTE]

Well aren't you a peach? Your bridal party is doing YOU a favor by agreeing to be in it. You aren't doing them any favors by making them pay $100's to buy a dress for your 'formal' wedding. My wedding is fairly formal, but my friendships are more important to me than what they wear that day, but it's nice to see that all you care about it people fawning all over you in a pretty dress because you are throwing a party ONE day.

Baby trumps wedding, no matter what. Marriage is equally important as children, but you won't be any less married because someone wore pants to your wedding. Get over yourself. Seriously.

hdb322 · April 2011

My girls are neither here nor there. And attacking each other doesn't answer the girl's question and isn't helpful in any respect. We can agree to disagree. Some people think a wedding is 'just another party' and other women, like me, have planned this day since I was a child and think that celebrating it with close friends makes your union more special. I chose my girls b/c I wanted to share this process with them and have them enjoy the ride with me. I am sure they don't see it as an imposition as you might feel they do. And when I do have my first child my girls will be there right beside me. And when they get married and have children I will be right beside them, feeling proud that they wanted me to be apart of the important events in their life-like friends do. And it will be their turn to be fawned over. And if that is not your style. That's totally cool.

To answer kelle's question succintly: I think you should make a few concessions with the outfit, like her shoes, but in my opionion it's not to much to ask her to wear a dress. THe bachelorette party thing, I understand why you would be hurt (I would be too) But with the pregnancy being an issue, some people have a good point. She might feel uncomfortable going out (depending on how risque your bach party is), andshe probably is going to be really tired after the shower earlier. Just communicate with her that you'd really like her to stop by at least for dinner and that it would mean alot to you, but you understand if she doesn't feel up to it day of.
That's my opinion- it's one of many- take it or leave it. and Good luck, wedding planning is stressful enough without these little hiccups.

eviltwin13 · April 2011

I don't think a wedding is just like any other party. If it was, we wouldn't be here posting on message boards, or generally spending so much time on planning and discussing our weddings. And while I'm grateful to everyone in my bridal party for being willing to stand up with me, I don't agree that that means I have to accept anything they suggest, if I think about it carefully and don't think it's reasonable. I don't think I would want one bridesmaid in pants when everyone else is wearing floor length formal gowns - but I would certainly not mind flats and a loose, flowing dress that allowed plenty of room for a growing baby. My bridesmaids are all choosing their own dresses anyway, so I'd probably ask my friend to choose what was comfortable for her. But I don't think asking someone to wear formal clothing to a black tie event is unreasonable.

As for whether one thing "trumps" another, that is a matter of personal opinion. My aunt and uncle didn't attend my sister's wedding because they decided to go to Thailand instead. For them, traveling trumped the wedding. (Yes, they scheduled the trip after they already got the invite - it wasn't a matter of having to cancel a trip already planned.) Other people found it strange that they chose not to be there, and my dad was pretty insulted, but it was their choice. We've been joking all throughout my wedding planning that I should just go ahead and suggest that they go off to some exotic destination on my wedding day, just to make it even. My point is, there will always be people who feel that whatever is going on in their own life is more important than a wedding, whether you agree with that or not.

However, pregnancy involves potential health risks to the mother and baby, especially when traveling or spending nights away from home, so I do think that women should be able to make decisions about what they'll attend based on what their health and comfort allows.

eviltwin13 · April 2011

People seem to be criticizing the OP for, among other things, wanting her BM to wear a dress and flats rather than slacks and tennis shoes. To me, she should not feel guilty about asking her BMs to wear a dress if they want to be part of the bridal party. I have bridesmaids who have budgetary constraints and issues finding nice, affordable gowns in their size that they feel comfortable in, and yet everyone's managed to find something. Standing up in a wedding party requires very little, really, but it does require dressing appropriately.

It isn't just brides who have strong opinions and make demands. I have had people in my bridal party acting like jerks to each other starting two weeks after I got engaged, fighting over stupid crap like scheduling a date for the shower and jockeying for the "right" to influence the choice of bridesmaid dress. I'll just speak for myself and my own bridal party, and say that some misguided people are using this event as an opportunity to make me "prove" how much I care about them by allowing them to "take precedence" over the other friends and family members in my life. If I don't take their advice it's like I'm criticizing them. These are their own personal issues that have nothing to do with me. My FI is getting to know many of these folks for the first time and isn't exactly forming a favorable opinion of them based on what he's seen of their behavior during this process...

So yeah. The general tone on this site is always that the bride should bend over backwards to take care of everyone else and be careful not to ask for too much, i.e. anything besides requesting that the bridesmaids buy a dress and show up to the wedding. And now people are suggesting that the bride can't even ask for that. So I guess I am wondering where exactly the line is drawn.

Getting back to the original post. I know people who have lost pregnancies in their 8th month, who've had to go on bed rest, etc and so on, and if this friend is in that category there shouldn't be any expectation of her being able to attend the wedding, much less be in the bridal party. If it's just a matter of being tired and uncomfortable but healthy and able to attend, then they should get together and talk this out. In the very first post of this thread, there was no mention of the person being pregnant at all - she said she could not attend the events because she was "too busy". It sounds to me like these friends need to be more honest with each other.

jemmini6 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:59c6bf7b-5cd5-4ac6-adbf-2ec72683374fPost:4d6069ce-e2e6-4596-8e2c-30f00c060689">Re: Hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]My girls are neither here nor there. And attacking each other doesn't answer the girl's question and isn't helpful in any respect. We can agree to disagree. Some people think a wedding is 'just another party' and other women, <strong>like me, have planned this day since I was a child</strong> and think that celebrating it with close friends makes your union more special. I chose my girls b/c I wanted to share this process with them and have them enjoy the ride with me. I am sure they don't see it as an imposition as you might feel they do. And when I do have my first child my girls will be there right beside me. And when they get married and have children I will be right beside them, feeling proud that they wanted me to be apart of the important events in their life-like friends do. And it will be their turn to be fawned over. And if that is not your style. That's totally cool. To answer kelle's question succintly: I think you should make a few concessions with the outfit, like her shoes, but in my opionion it's not to much to ask her to wear a dress. THe bachelorette party thing, I understand why you would be hurt (I would be too) But with the pregnancy being an issue, some people have a good point. She might feel uncomfortable going out (depending on how risque your bach party is), andshe probably is going to be really tired after the shower earlier. Just communicate with her that you'd really like her to stop by at least for dinner and that it would mean alot to you, but you understand if she doesn't feel up to it day of. That's my opinion- it's one of many- take it or leave it. and Good luck, wedding planning is stressful enough without these little hiccups.
Posted by hdb322[/QUOTE]

Really? You've spent your whole life looking forward to one day? What happens when that day is over? There is way more to life than a wedding and those who treat it like some sort of finish line are going to be sorely disappointed when it's over.

To address the OP...I don't think the bride was out of line to ask that she wear a dress, which the bridesmaid ended up doing. My problem is that the OP is now regretting even asking her friend of 20+ years to be in the bridal party because she's not living up to the expecations she's been spoonfed since childhood (like you) of all that a bridesmaid should be. She intentionally left out the VERY important detail that this friend was pregnant in order to make her friend out to be the bad guy, when she's not.

Matty143 · April 2011

THANK GOD someone else on here is rational. Baby DOES NOT trump wedding. PERIOD. Put some flats on and suck it up! No wonder so many people, myself included want an ADULT reception.

I bet when you were planning YOUR wedding, you would have been upset about this, but now that you have a baby, we should all take a back seat? NO THANKS..

1. Unless its her shower earlier that day, she can go hang out at your sisters house.
2. PANTS!?!?!?! Tell her you no longer need her to be a BM.
3. There is a reason you have lost touch with this one. She sounds like a crap friend, let her go, there is nothing wrong with uneven sides.

filaw · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:59c6bf7b-5cd5-4ac6-adbf-2ec72683374fPost:e40a8204-fd6d-4092-8326-6f5669b3d3e4">Re: Hurt feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hurt feelings : Really? You've spent your whole life looking forward to one day? What happens when that day is over?
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>Just because you've been looking forward to and anticipating something for a long time doesn't mean you think life isn't worth living once it's over. Once it's over, you have beautiful memories to treasure as well as a new stage of life to enter and new things to look forward to.</div>

Hurt feelings

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