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Stressed - anyone have some desserts?

My maid of honor is my best friend.  Or correction was.  Last September she moved to Montana - to the middle of nowhere - for a teaching position.  I missed her more than anything but she was still promising to come to my wedding.  She had half my wedding party in her family.  Her oldest daughter was my junior bridesmaid, and her youngest daughter was my flower girl.  She was doing really well in her new teaching job, she liked it and had made some friends.  Most of them were guys which was the problem.  One she was kissing, one she was flirting with, and the other...well, yah.  This January she found out she was pregnant by him.  She is devasted by it, doesn't want another baby (she has 4 kids already), was praying for a miscarriage, and she begged me to not tell anyone.  She is my best friend, but this put a lot of stress and pressure on me as well as a lot of hurt.  I had doubts that she would even show up to my wedding because she is kind of flaky to begin with.  I know, I know - that is wrong to say as she has four kids, but you think having four kids would require a little structure - not in her case.  Now throw the pregnancy in to the mix, with her due date at October 1st.  My wedding is September 22nd.  But up until recently she was still promising to come.  She said she had 60 day maternity leave, 30 days before and 30 days after, and wanted to spend it here.  Now I know it seems like I put all my eggs in her basket, but I knew it was a possibilty she couldn't come.  I had made contigency plans - my sister would step in as maid of honor and she is happy to do it (I have since asked her).  I am just more hurt because she is my best friend and won't be there.  I almost a little angry because how can she not be there?  We are each other's best friends!  But she said she can't be there because her insurance won't allow her to have the baby except in Montana.  Shortly after I found out she was pregnant and she begged me not to tell anyone, I started getting pressure from my mom and my aunt (who has practically been my wedding coordinator from day one - she has done everything!) to decide on bridesmaid dresses.  My aunt said she had a dress in her closet that she had never worn that would fit my maid of honor, my best friend.  It was the right size.  Pre-pregnancy.  I kept putting them off, and putting them off.  And they kept pressuring me until I finally snapped and told them the truth but that nothing was to be said.  But apparently my mom can't keep a secret, and she emailed my friend on facebook saying congrats on your bun in the oven and now my friend is upset which I understand but I had all this pressure coming at me, not to mention feeling a word of hurt at my best friend not being there.  I am posting this more to vent, kudos to reading this far by the way if you have as it is a very unstructured post, and comments are welcome but please don't be snarky as that is something I cannot take right now.

Re: Stressed - anyone have some desserts?

  • edited February 2012
    In Response to Stressed - anyone have some desserts?:
    [QUOTE]My maid of honor is my best friend.  Or correction was.  Last September she moved to Montana - to the middle of nowhere - for a teaching position.  I missed her more than anything but she was still promising to come to my wedding.  She had half my wedding party in her family.  Her oldest daughter was my junior bridesmaid, and her youngest daughter was my flower girl.  She was doing really well in her new teaching job, she liked it and had made some friends.  Most of them were guys which was the problem.  One she was kissing, one she was flirting with, and the other...well, yah.  This January she found out she was pregnant by him.  She is devasted by it, doesn't want another baby (she has 4 kids already), was praying for a miscarriage, and she begged me to not tell anyone.  She is my best friend, but this put a lot of stress and pressure on me as well as a lot of hurt.  I had doubts that she would even show up to my wedding because she is kind of flaky to begin with.  I know, I know - that is wrong to say as she has four kids, but you think having four kids would require a little structure - not in her case.  Now throw the pregnancy in to the mix, with her due date at October 1st.  My wedding is September 22nd.  But up until recently she was still promising to come.  She said she had 60 day maternity leave, 30 days before and 30 days after, and wanted to spend it here.  Now I know it seems like I put all my eggs in her basket, but I knew it was a possibilty she couldn't come.  I had made contigency plans - my sister would step in as maid of honor and she is happy to do it (I have since asked her).  I am just more hurt because she is my best friend and won't be there.  I almost a little angry because how can she not be there?  We are each other's best friends!  But she said she can't be there because her insurance won't allow her to have the baby except in Montana.  Shortly after I found out she was pregnant and she begged me not to tell anyone, I started getting pressure from my mom and my aunt (who has practically been my wedding coordinator from day one - she has done everything!) to decide on bridesmaid dresses.  My aunt said she had a dress in her closet that she had never worn that would fit my maid of honor, my best friend.  It was the right size.  Pre-pregnancy.  I kept putting them off, and putting them off.  And they kept pressuring me until I finally snapped and told them the truth but that nothing was to be said.  But apparently my mom can't keep a secret, and she emailed my friend on facebook saying congrats on your bun in the oven and now my friend is upset which I understand but I had all this pressure coming at me, not to mention feeling a word of hurt at my best friend not being there.  I am posting this more to vent, kudos to reading this far by the way if you have as it is a very unstructured post, and comments are welcome but please don't be snarky as that is something I cannot take right now.
    Posted by jennifer21011[/QUOTE]

    #1- You can't control how people respond to you. If they want to be snarky, they're allowed.

    #2- Are you seriously saying that this woman is no longer your best friend because she, what? Got pregnant? It's not as though she did it to spite you-- from what you've written, this wasn't awesome news for her. Maybe you should act like a friend and talk to her about how she's feeling, because I would imagine she's probably having some pretty difficult emotions right now, and the last thing she needs is more stress because you're nagging her about what this does to your plans.

    #3- There are lots of bridesmaids dresses with empire waists, which would be very forgiving for a growing belly.

    ETA: #4- Don't have your sister "step-in" as MoH. Is your sister already in the bridal party? She should maintain whatever title she has now. To do otherwise would be hells of rude.
    image
  • I'm not understanding why you are airing someone else's dirty laundry on the internet.  Especially when she asked you not to say anything to anyone, let alone the entire internet.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm not really clear why you're upset with your friend.  She got pregnant.  It happens.  To a lot of people, often accidentally.  Furthermore, she asked you not to tell anyone and you told your mother, who said something to her about it.  That's you in the wrong, not her, and I don't blame her for being upset at you breaking her confidence. 

    Sounds like she can't make it to the wedding at all now, is that right?  She has to have the baby in Montana, and she can't fly in her third trimester, and who the hell wants to drive from Montana to Nebraska when they're 8 months pregnant with four kids?  That doesn't mean that she can't be your MOH in absentia.  It's not like she's blowing you off to smoke weed with a pack of underage boys or something like that. 

    You should apologize sincerely for breaking her trust, and reassure your friend that you understand why she (and her kids) won't be able to be there, that you still consider her your MOH and that you will be thinking about her on the day of, etc etc.  Then shift the focus of your concern from you, who are planning a party, to her, who is bringing a fifth human being into the world in less than stellar circumstances.  She could probably really use your love and support right now.  Maybe you should plan a trip up to see her and help her out.



  • I get that your upset that your best friend is going to miss your wedding and won't be able to be physically present as your MOH.  It's okay to be disappointed that your dear friend won't be there with you - but I think that's the extent of it. 

    Your friend sounds like she is struggling a lot right now - unplanned family addition, job in a new location, four children at home.  The emotional burden of all of that, in addition to physical and economic has be tremendous.  On top of that, her best friend aired personal, possibly embarrassing (given how you've describe her reaction) information just to get people to stop pestering about a bridesmaids dress.  So now, in addition managing her pregnancy, your friend can't be where she wants to be because of her insurance plan, and people are e-mailing her about her personal life.

    I think, if you want to repair and restore this friendship, you stop prioritizing your wedding over her life changes.  You tell her you understand that she can't be there; you make arrangements for her to be skyped or phoned in if you can and she wants that.  Maybe you send flowers to her home so she feels included.  You ask her what you can do to help her out - maybe you can arrange for some meal deliveries or send some goodies for her kids so she gets 15 minutes to relax right now.   And you apologize for outing her pregnacy to other people - and don't share her news with anyone else.  In my opinion, it's on you, not her, to set things right.
    image
    Anniversary


  • First off, I don't get why you're so mad and hurt. I get that it's upsetting that she can't be at your wedding as you had hoped, but from the sound of it, you were already somewhat aware that she might not show up, so why is it really this big of a shock to you? You should try to be a little more understanding to the fact that she's going to be extremely pregnant, would have to drive to a different states while 8 months pregnant, because she won't be able to fly at that point, and she literally can't have the baby anywhere else. Did you expect her to say "Eh, whatevs. I'd still have another month, hopefully I won't go into labor on your wedding day and if I did, then oh well! I'm SOL! It's all good!" I don't think so. Not to mention this is a baby that she doesn't want to begin with. How about putting your wedding aside, and being there for her as a friend?

    Second, I agree with PPs, don't replace her with your sister as MOH. That's rude.

    Third, I'm not sure where desserts come into play, but when I read your title for this thread, I was hoping to get some dessert recipes and share some. Just sayin'.
  • In Response to Stressed - anyone have some desserts?:
    [QUOTE]My maid of honor is my best friend.  Or correction was.  Last September she moved to Montana - to the middle of nowhere - for a teaching position.  I missed her more than anything but she was still promising to come to my wedding.  She had half my wedding party in her family.  Her oldest daughter was my junior bridesmaid, and her youngest daughter was my flower girl.  She was doing really well in her new teaching job, she liked it and had made some friends.  Most of them were guys which was the problem.  One she was kissing, one she was flirting with, and the other...well, yah.  This January she found out she was pregnant by him.  She is devasted by it, doesn't want another baby (she has 4 kids already), was praying for a miscarriage, and she begged me to not tell anyone.  She is my best friend, but this put a lot of stress and pressure on me as well as a lot of hurt.  I had doubts that she would even show up to my wedding because she is kind of flaky to begin with.  I know, I know - that is wrong to say as she has four kids, but you think having four kids would require a little structure - not in her case.  Now throw the pregnancy in to the mix, with her due date at October 1st.  My wedding is September 22nd.  But up until recently she was still promising to come.  She said she had 60 day maternity leave, 30 days before and 30 days after, and wanted to spend it here.  Now I know it seems like I put all my eggs in her basket, but I knew it was a possibilty she couldn't come.  I had made contigency plans - my sister would step in as maid of honor and she is happy to do it (I have since asked her).  I am just more hurt because she is my best friend and won't be there.  I almost a little angry because how can she not be there?  We are each other's best friends!  But she said she can't be there because her insurance won't allow her to have the baby except in Montana.  Shortly after I found out she was pregnant and she begged me not to tell anyone, I started getting pressure from my mom and my aunt (who has practically been my wedding coordinator from day one - she has done everything!) to decide on bridesmaid dresses.  My aunt said she had a dress in her closet that she had never worn that would fit my maid of honor, my best friend.  It was the right size.  Pre-pregnancy.  I kept putting them off, and putting them off.  And they kept pressuring me until I finally snapped and told them the truth but that nothing was to be said.  But apparently my mom can't keep a secret, and she emailed my friend on facebook saying congrats on your bun in the oven and now my friend is upset which I understand but I had all this pressure coming at me, not to mention feeling a word of hurt at my best friend not being there.  I am posting this more to vent, kudos to reading this far by the way if you have as it is a very unstructured post, and comments are welcome but please don't be snarky as that is something I cannot take right now.
    Posted by jennifer21011[/QUOTE]

    Check out the bolded part up there.  THAT is what you were concerned about?  Please explain just exactly how this put so much pressure on YOU.  She has a crisis in her life and you go into "how do I put my wedding first" mode.  Seriously.

    I hope your mother has apologized for what she did blabbing on the internet.  You are making way too many excuses for not keeping her secret.  You could easily say, "I will let you know when I'm ready to deal with dresses." but you went into panic about your wedding, and you worried about that first.

    I got nothing, but your obsession with your wedding has likely cost you a best friend.  Tragic and shallow.
  • Sonya, I'm guessing that she was referring to that saying that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

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