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Guest list is totally out of control.....

akhensley81akhensley81 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Snarky Brides
OK ladies - I'll try to make this as short a possible. We have a MAXIMUM CAPACITY for our reception of 140 people. The room can fit more but then we'll all feel like sardines, so that is my target number.

The problem is... as it stands my guest list has 212 names. I've cut out everyone I can think of -- any more and people are going to start getting offended. Now... of those 212, there are 60 people that fall in to the category of "probably won't come" -- that meaning, my mom or his mom want to invite them but don't *actually* expect them to make the trip. But - in the words of my mother - "we need to invite them because they'll send gifts, and I've sent gifts for all of THEIR kids' weddings." LOL!

I'm not sure I want to bet the farm that these people won't attend! I'd have a heart attack if they all started RSVP'ing.... without those 60 the list is down to 152 which is manageable because there will be some no-shows.... but my question is... would it be kosher to send a more general "announcement" to those 60 people rather than a specific "you're invited"???

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Re: Guest list is totally out of control.....

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    jma1983jma1983
    First Comment
    Are you inviting kids or adults only?  I'm not a fan of adult only receptions.  But, our list got way out of control....so we went back through and cut of a bunch of kids.  That might be a starting point? 

    Otherwise, I would start with who you and your FI want.  Then, however much space is left from there, that's where friends and neighbors of your parents can fill in the spots. 
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    aMrsin09aMrsin09
    First Comment
    It is an old tradition to send announcements AFTER the wedding (that's what we did), but it is used when your wedding was very small.  150 people is not small. 

    Also, Announcements don't carry the "gift requirement" that invitations do.  We got married overseas, so sure, I could have invited everyone knowing they wouldn't show, but with the announcement, none of them would feel "obligated" to send a gift*

    *yes, I know that is an old fashioned concept, but many still adhere to it.
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    aMrsin09aMrsin09
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_guest-list-totally-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5bcc88c8-ea14-455f-8f05-bef1361f2074Post:a9fc5fdc-c1fc-4389-8119-216bafbeb95a">Re: Guest list is totally out of control.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]It may be tradition that wedding announcements don't require gifts, her posts seems to say that the reason she is sending an announcement is so that they won't come to the wedding but still send a gift. Hence, gift-grabby.
    Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

    Oh absolutely.  I was just letting her know that sending announcements is not going to have her desired effects.
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    suz62984suz62984
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    Try doing an A and B list.  I know it sounds mean but you just have to think of it as trying to get the most bang for your buck.  You can send the A list out first 2.5 months in advance and send the B list out as you start getting "No" Rsvps in .  Just remember when you send out invites to keep people in the same social circles on the same list.  You don't want the A's telling the B's that they got their invites a few months ago.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Don't invite anyone unless you actually want them to attend. The idea of sending an invitation just to get a gift is very rude. And you can never be 100% sure that someone is going to decline your invitation. 
                       
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    culbycheeseculbycheese
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    edited January 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_guest-list-totally-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5bcc88c8-ea14-455f-8f05-bef1361f2074Post:720dd5d9-561b-4228-8eb0-2ef9f46ceaec">Guest list is totally out of control.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]But - in the words of my mother - "we need to invite them because they'll send gifts, and I've sent gifts for all of THEIR kids' weddings." Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]

    Nix the people that your mom says you have to invite because she did something for them or their kids or whatever. I'd just explain to mom that this is grabbing for gifts, and is quite tacky.

    Especially if you have no relationship with these people. And what happens if they accept because your mom went to their gig or sent gifts and you end up like sardines?
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    krmabojokrmabojo
    First Comment
    I would say the first step, if it is an optio, or if you have not already, say no one under 18. I have heard that many people with children enjoys wedding where they leave  the kids at home.

    Aside from that, as for parent's friends, tell you mom that since you both think that none of them will show just do not send invites. You do not want to overcrowd, as you have stated.

    Good luck!
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    KappaKKappaK member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_guest-list-totally-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5bcc88c8-ea14-455f-8f05-bef1361f2074Post:758d8f9a-a9ca-4050-8117-1f1e5ea23427">Re: Guest list is totally out of control.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Try doing an A and B list.  I know it sounds mean but you just have to think of it as trying to get the most bang for your buck.  You can send the A list out first 2.5 months in advance and send the B list out as you start getting "No" Rsvps in .  Just remember when you send out invites to keep people in the same social circles on the same list.  You don't want the A's telling the B's that they got their invites a few months ago.
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree.  Literally everyone my FI and I invited RSVPed yes, even people in other countries.  Never assume people are going to not come.  Either try was suz suggested, cut your guest list to people you really care about, and not ones you hope will send gifts, or change your venue to meet the needs of your guest list.
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    aprovencher21aprovencher21
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    I'm currently having this problem with my FMIL from hell.  She wants to invite some of her old family friends (people I've never met.....and my fiance doesn't remember) basically saying they won't come (probably) but will send gifts.  To begin with she isn't contributing anything in terms of the budget to our wedding.....so iniitally I felt bad saying no but not anymore!! I told her I don't want to send invites just to "guilt" people in a gift (how rude!)....and what happens if they all want to come.  While my reception hall is large enough.....I'm not paying for that many more people who I don't even want there!!

    In this case I'd tell you mom about the hall restrictions and your worries and cross those people off the invite list.  Invites shouldn't be about gifts....or who has given gifts in the past.
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    megandjaymegandjay member
    First Comment
    Um, so this is the snarky brides forum, so I am going to be snarky....

    You BOOKED a venue BEFORE you had a guest list???

    Okay, I know that is not advice nor will it be helpful...So, I agree with other posters- cut out the 'obligation' invites from the parents and stick to people that you and your FI know.
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    akhensley81akhensley81 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Hahaha I was wondering how long it would take for someone to notice that we booked a venue before finalizing the list. Good call!!!

    We actually were about 99% sure on the guest list when we found out the venue that I *really* wanted was starting to get calls for my date. We booked it, and I figured the venue pricing/capacity would help me get that last 1% finalized. And at the time, it was fine. But then my mother (I'm wondering if one of her snarky friends gave her this idea) started emailing me more and more names... "let's invite this person, they won't come but they owe us, blah blah blah...." and what's worse is that HIS step-mom caught on to this and has been sending me names to invite, who "probably" won't come as well.

    The more I've been thinking about it.. I'm just going to have to put my foot down. The LAST thing I want is an over-capacity reception. I've been chopping names of MY friends just to make room for all of these distant cousins who I've never met. It's not right!! We are all splitting this budet -- me and my man, my family, and his family. If they don't like it, tough.

    Thanks, girls!!! :)

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    megandjaymegandjay member
    First Comment
    In that case- maybe give each person a hard number? Like- each of the parents (couple) get to invite 50- totalling 100 for the parents, and you and FI invite 50? Or something like that. Then just send them back their lists and make THEM do the cutting!!! It is your wedding afterall!
    ~For Sale~
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    melissadefelicemelissadefelice member
    First Comment
    I have the same problem.  My FI has a HUGE family and the gues list was huge.  We really can't afford a medium, let alone a large wedding ( I would like to elope, actually).  I drew the line at 150 people, and we had 180.  So we cut people.  The family that my mother-in-law and mom said we "had to invite but won't come" I cut.  I can't take the chance they might show up.  My mother also said she had her own guest list of people to add - and that she would pay for them.  While that is normally not an issue, it became one because her list would put us over the 150 limit and cause us to "upgrade" our recpetion by almost $2,000.  So, I had to say "no".  My FI and I made a list, we cut people, who will probably be pissed, but oh well. 
    We are also sending out a "second wave" of invites if people on our A list decline.
    My rule of thumb - if I haven't spoken to them in more than a year, they aren't invited.
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