Not Inviting FMIL

Alicesella88 · December 2012

Fi does not want his mother invited to the wedding. Is it ok to exclude FMIL from the wedding if that is what he wants?

AddieCake · December 2012

If he doesn't want his own mother there, there must be a strong reason. I would need more info to respond. Is he ready to end his relationship with her?

Alicesella88 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-inviting-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3f6d1ca9-b1e8-452e-a12d-dbc828d6d32fPost:dbbe33a6-b684-4eca-98a3-2ca1637f010f">Re: Not Inviting FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]If he doesn't want his own mother there, there must be a strong reason. I would need more info to respond. Is he ready to end his relationship with her?
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>According to him she is BSC. She has blamed the health issues of his Gma on him, damaged his car, had him arrested at 18 prior to throwing him out of their house, and countless other things. Since we have announced the engagement she has attempted to guilt trip him into having a better relationship and is pretending like non of the past events ever happened. About once a month she leaves him a voicemail message calling him nasty names and belittling him. </div>

mcda04 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-inviting-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3f6d1ca9-b1e8-452e-a12d-dbc828d6d32fPost:39ff7fcc-06ec-42db-8bf5-883944c24135">Re: Not Inviting FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Inviting FMIL : According to him she is BSC. She has blamed the health issues of his Gma on him, damaged his car, had him arrested at 18 prior to throwing him out of their house, and countless other things. Since we have announced the engagement she has attempted to guilt trip him into having a better relationship and is pretending like non of the past events ever happened. About once a month she leaves him a voicemail message calling him nasty names and belittling him.
Posted by Alicesella88[/QUOTE]

Yeah, Don't invite her if he doesn't want her there. It is his mother and if he already made up his mind, leave it alone.

I'm sorry you guys have to deal with her.

AddieCake · December 2012

Sounds like good enough reasons to me not to invite her if that is what he truly wants. Again, though, I must assume he is ready to cut ties with her if he doesn't invite her. Best of luck and my condolences on your situation!

MairePoppy · December 2012

Yes. Your fi should decide whether or not he wants a relationship with his mother and whether or not she should be invited to your wedding. You should support his decision. Under the circumstances, I don't blame him for not wanting her there.

RaptorSLH · December 2012

What Retread said, every line. Support your FI and his choice.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

It's your FI's wedding too, and if this will make his wedding day better for him, then absolutely exclude her.

SB1512 · December 2012

I agree with everyone else and sorry OP that your FI has a bad relationship with his mother. I know OP didn't mention this, but what about her FIs dad? If FIs dad and mom are still married and her FI wants dad there, is this an instance where it's ok to split up the social unit? If mom and dad are no longer together it's obviously not an issue, but just wondering how etiquette works in a situation like this since mom clearly seems to be a toxic person.

RaptorSLH · December 2012

SB, I know this isn't the etiquette correct answer, but I feel as though there are some situations that common rules of etiquette weren't designed to handle. If a relationship is toxic enough that you are willing to end it (as it sounds like the case here) then proper etiquette can go take a flying *bleep.* I will put the psychological well-being of the emotionally abused over the hurt feelings of the abuser or the outrage of Miss Manners any day.

Personal bias alert: I am estranged from one of my sisters, to the point I didn't attend her wedding, nor was she invited to mine, because the only way to stop her bullying was to cut her out of my life. So I have some pretty strong feelings on the matter.

SB1512 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-inviting-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3f6d1ca9-b1e8-452e-a12d-dbc828d6d32fPost:338c9078-6847-4274-8d84-afd987d1175b">Re: Not Inviting FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]SB, I know this isn't the etiquette correct answer, but I feel as though there are some situations that common rules of etiquette weren't designed to handle. If a relationship is toxic enough that you are willing to end it (as it sounds like the case here) then proper etiquette can go take a flying *bleep.* I will put the psychological well-being of the emotionally abused over the hurt feelings of the abuser or the outrage of Miss Manners any day. Personal bias alert: I am estranged from one of my sisters, to the point I didn't attend her wedding, nor was she invited to mine, because the only way to stop her bullying was to cut her out of my life. So I have some pretty strong feelings on the matter.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this take, and by no means was I advocating that etiquette trump what appears to be a toxic relationship. I am just curious if breaking etiquette in this case would be side eyed or not.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

I agree, you should respect your FI's wishes and not invite his mother. Both FI and I are estranged from our biological fathers. Both of their personalities are toxic and they refuse to take responsibility for their actions so neither of them are in our lives, much less invited to the wedding. We both know as the wedding date gets closer members of our families will try to bring our fathers up. We both support each other's decision no matter what it is.

MairePoppy · December 2012

NYUgirl- did I miss something? What the hell are you talking about?

If a parent (step, natural, adoptive), or any family member, has abused you, destroyed your property, has had you arrested, and is harassing you on a regular basis, then you don't have to invite her to your wedding. But doing so will probably mean the spouse will not attend the wedding either.

MairePoppy · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-inviting-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3f6d1ca9-b1e8-452e-a12d-dbc828d6d32fPost:137ad48a-af8d-4746-8325-db3ed8639fec">Re: Not Inviting FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Marie so if SM had an affair with my dad, resulting in my home being destroyed (and yes, dad was part of htis too), but it was my home too, resulting in my having to leave, some here say it is NOT ok to not invite here. Now with OP, we do not know what generated the arrest, but it is clear that I did not cause the affair which resulting in my family home being destroyed. I assume that OPs FMIL car incident was an accident. My SM actions were deliberate.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

I'm going to give you some sympathy, because I have friends who have found themselves in similar circumstances. Their husbands left them for someone else and it hurt their children deeply, emotionally and financially. So I am sorry you are hurting.

I'm also going to give you the truth. Your father, not the other woman, was responsible for your well being until you became an adult. He was not bound and dragged off by his lover. He went willingly. Do you have to forgive either or both of them? No, absolutely not. But if you choose to invite your father, you must include his wife on the invitation.You are free to say a very polite hello to her and ignore her for the rest of the day. Use seating assignments to keep them away from your mother and her entourage, if your mom is similarly angry with them.

If you choose to ignore etiquette, then there's a good chance that the man who left his wife and kids for another woman, will also skip his daughter's wedding for the same woman.

Take the high road.

MairePoppy · December 2012

The women who have posted in this thread, are mothers, stepmothers, divorcees, children of divorced/remarried parents. I am a mom and a step-mom. There is no prevailing prejudice against moms on this board.

"In short, I do not see how people can justify excluding OPs FMIL but not a SM who was affair partner. "

It's a parent's duty to care for his or her child. When a mother is abusive or neglectful, she is the one who severs that bond. She does not have a right to victimize a person just because she gave birth to him. The child has a right to cut ties with his abuser. If Alice's FMIL is married to her FFIL, the situation is going to be difficult for the father. But etiquette does not require that you invite your abuser to your wedding.

If you posted on this board that your father's girlfriend blamed you for things that were not your fault, called the cops on you and harassed you regularly by phone, you would have gotten a different answer. There is a difference between your SM throwing you out of your home and your parents being forced to down size because they are running two households, instead of one. That would happen no matter what the reason was for your parent's divorce.

I understand you have a bond with your father that makes it possible to forgive him. I don't blame you for not wanting a relationship with his wife. But the question you are asking is a matter of etiquette. It is not proper to invite half a couple to your wedding.

Have you talked to your father about your feelings?

NYCMercedes · December 2012

NYU, the MIL in question is clearly abusive. How can you not see that? She is also clearly toxic. Has your SM abused you? Your father MADE the DECISION to end the household. How wonderful you can forgive him for this horrible slight to you. He CHOSE not to live with you. According to you, he CHOSE to be unrealistic about the possible impact on you. I recommend you not ask him to make a choice regarding your wedding.

Alicesella88 · December 2012

Thank you everyone.

I am fully supporting FI in his decision not to invite FMIL to our wedding. She is a toxic individual and she has caused him much drama, and suffering over the years.

MairePoppy · December 2012

Good luck Alice.

NYU, the two situations are not comparable. If you described your SM the same way that the OP described her FMIL, you would get the same answers that she got. I'm sure you are going to do whatever you want, regardless of the etiquette, so why argue about it? I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a very happy marriage.

Alicesella88 · December 2012

NYUgirl - I did not go into details of FIs arrest and what came of it. You don't know the whole story so pretending that you do is pointless. There was nothing involving drugs and he was not 'difficult to deal with' as you were so quick to assume. FI was arrested and once the police figured out that FMIL was BSing everyone the charges were dropped. As RetreadBride said " It's pretty easy to get a minor child arrested. The police are much more likely to believe the adult parent than the child."

It dosn't take away from the fact that she had him arrested and the blame does in fact belong to her. She has been extremely unstable for as long as I can remember. (I have known FI well over 10 years) Thankfully both FI's biological dad and stepdad have divorced her and are no longer involved with her in anyway.

Our situations are far from similar. It seems that you have some issue with your stepmother and father and are looking for any and every excuse to bring it up. Have you considered going to therapy for this?

Alicesella88 · December 2012

First off: I never once said that a divorced woman was a POS, so don't try and twist my words around. I said that FI's mother was unstable and BSC, there is a difference. You don't know me so I don't know why you would say something ridiculous like that.

Secondly: Fi's Stepdad and Biological Dad were not a part of his life during this time. and FI did not have the option to live with either of them after leaving his mother's home. Both Bio-Dad and SD have only recently stepped back into FI's life. Adding facts does not change the story, it just gives a little more insight to the background of my FI's dilemma.

Criticizing and harassing strangers online won't help you nor will it change your situation at all. I think you need to take the time and go get some help for your own situation. Maybe try therapy with your dad and stepmom. This might help you out a bit.

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